Oh. My. I have been gone quite a while. This has been for a couple of reasons: I started a new job, I have been keeping busy with dog rescue work, and honestly, I haven't really felt the need to write.
What has changed, you may ask? I suppose I have begun another cycle of introspection. I tend to flow in and out of seasons of desiring change and of just coasting. It's not a negative thing. If I focus too much, I will beat myself up very badly; if I don't focus enough, I won't change at all.
Several people have commented on the idea that I am "Superwoman." They tell me I should let my guard down and let someone help me. My response is, "Who? Are YOU volunteering to be that someone?" Usually, the response is either an awkward silence or an embarrassed hemming and hawing, finally responding with "No, but someone."
I have taken care of myself for so long, I don't know how to be any other way, but honestly, it's not out of choice. I would LOVE for someone to come along, not necessarily to take care of me, but for me to lean on. Taking care of everything around me is tiring; making it look like I have everything taken care of, or seemingly don't care when it's tearing me up inside, is debilitating.
I'm not going to lie: I will always be a strong woman, and most likely the guy I end up marrying (if it happens) is going to have a feisty, opinionated warrior on his hands; BUT, the only reason I have been "Superwoman"(which is a false label, anyway) is because I have HAD to.
In my past experiences with people close to me, whenever I leaned on them, the carpet got pulled out from under me. I learned early on that people will disappoint you, even the ones purporting to be your caretaker and /or in your inner circle, so I stopped leaning on people. Not a surprising reaction.
I have to consciously fight against my trained tendency to close myself off, and a few times, I have even managed to ask for help! I still don't really believe people when they promise me things they will do for me. I'm more of a "I'll believe it when it happens" kind of person, especially with certain people that have proved that their promises really don't mean much to them. I take promises VERY seriously.
I struggled long and hard with trusting God as well because if people disappoint you, it's one thing; but if God disappoints you, where do you go? My heart would break in exponential measurements, if such a thing could be measured. In the Orthodox church, we have one or more Psalms read in each service. It is comforting to hear David, one of God's chosen and beloved, making statements that strike a chord somewhere within me or that I have uttered in my life at one time or another. The Psalms as far as content are all over the map, i.e. praising, seeking, confessing, etc. They encompass so many emotions all within a span of 150 verses. As Orthodox Christians, we are to read the Psalms in their entirety at least once every week(the early monks did this daily). If you read nothing else in the Bible for the week, at least reading the Psalms puts your mind in a good reflective state. I'm not saying I make this happen every week, but it's a goal. :)
In a world that emphasizes partnering with people, I find it challenging to be just with God and to be okay with that. I have considered though that in the Garden of Eden, Adam had God and all the animals to himself, and he STILL needed someone else––someone to complete him, although she came out of him. When I think about that, I don't feel so guilty having a desire for someone in addition to God.
So, until the day I have a partner in crime, I plan my life for me and only me, I make no expectations of people in my life, and I will continue pretending to be "Superwoman" as long as my cape is needed to protect me.
On THAT note, I will be spending Thanksgiving Day with the pups.
