The Cowardly Tin Scarecrow

I am NOT strong.

When people praise me for my strength and tell me they don't know how I do it, I want to laugh sardonically and maniacally.

Being strong is being proactive, considering all the options, and making a decision. Being strong is having a smile on your face, not because you are faking it, but because you are confident and at peace with yourself and with God. Being strong is being able to reach out to others for help.

Being strong isn't trudging through day by day. Being strong isn't being in a catatonic state. Being strong isn't being able to cry almost at the drop of a hat. Being strong isn't going home and collapsing as soon as you walk in the door. Being strong isn't wanting to head into the wind and run away from all your responsibilities. Being strong isn't having to deal with the consequences of your choices.

I do whatever it is because there is no other option for me to take. There have been several points in my younger years where I considered, and a couple where I halfheartedly attempted, suicide. I would love to say that I've grown past that point and matured in my old age. It's not others' responsibility to pay the penalty for my poor choices.

Most days are easy, but sometimes, especially lately, I feel like I'm fighting through a fog. I don't have any amazing insights to share other than don't judge people that have committed suicide or struggled with depression. Whether they are strong or weak is immaterial. Even if you know them well and live with them everyday, you can't know their internal thoughts.

For some unknown reason, I've never been angry at God. Maybe I should be, but I definitely can't credit my assumed maturity and wisdom. Is it because I don't actually believe in Him? Possibly. My faith and commitment ebbs and flows with the level correlating to how my life is going. I'm almost positive this is why God continues to throw obstacles at me. I would almost assuredly be one of those people that relies on my own intelligence and talents to solve problems.

Even in this season of turbulence and repeated rejections, I'm having trouble praying, though, so clearly, I haven't learned my lesson. I might have a short conversation in passing, but my heart feels apathetic. Maybe I'm afraid to lean on Him in case He disappoints me, too.

Maybe it's time to start my new season on my own terms.
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Even If

They say sometimes you win some
Sometimes you lose some
And right now, right now I'm losing bad
I've stood on this stage night after night
Reminding the broken it'll be alright
But right now, oh right now I just can't

It's easy to sing
When there's nothing to bring me down
But what will I say
When I'm held to the flame
Like I am right now

I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone

They say it only takes a little faith
To move a mountain
Good thing
A little faith is all I have right now
But God, when You choose
To leave mountains unmovable
Give me the strength to be able to sing
It is well with my soul

I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt
Would all go away if You'd just say the word
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone

You've been faithful, You've been good
All of my days
Jesus, I will cling to You
Come what may
‘Cause I know You're able
I know You can

I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt
Would all go away if You'd just say the word
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone

It is well with my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul

Just Desserts

Dear stress, let's break up.

This was supposed to be a coasting year. I'm beginning to think 2016 was a piece of cake compared to where I'm currently dwelling. I feel like a zombie walking around-no emotions, no energy, no enthusiasm for anything-just surviving on autopilot. The emotional roller coaster has won. I concede the battle.

I'm so drained and exhausted. I try to muster the energy needed to be Pollyanna so I don't drag people down with my Eeyore/"woe is me" attitude. I put myself in this situation; I should be able to deal with it. I can keep it up for a short time, but as time progresses, the endurance level gets shorter and shorter. Afterwards, I go into isolation and escape into books until I need to fake through the next interaction.

People often talk about how they don't deserve bad things that happen in their life, but you never hear talk about disowning the good things that occur. We have a lawyer in town that tries to tell people, "You deserve to be paid." LIES. It makes me want to throw something or challenge him to a debate. No one deserves anything except for what they earn on their own merit. Everything else is merely a situational obstacle or assistance.

Sometimes, not having control of a situation allows you to not stress about the outcomes. When you have an impact on the possibilities based on your choices, it can be more challenging to give it over to God and to let things happen. When I got news that based on the ultrasound, BG was going to have a heart defect (ASD-Atrial Septal Defect and possible TGA-Transposition of the Great Arteries), I felt strangely calm about the entire situation. I had no control and nothing I did was going to fix the problem.

Trying to be thankful when your baby has been in the hospital for almost 6 weeks and is about to have surgery on his face has proven to be a bit more strenuous, mostly because he's in there because of life choices I've made. I'm only slightly exaggerating. Since I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes in 2009, doctors have been telling me I need to monitor my blood sugar. Well, it's finally caught up to me. It hasn't affected only me; the consequences are playing out in poor BG's life and he is just now starting out in life. Trying to decide if I'm still keeping BG since G has backed out of his co-parenting responsibilities and is even denying his paternity has proven to be downright debilitating.

People have been supremely generous with all kinds of baby gifts and supplies; but, at the end of the day, it is still just me and BG. No baby daddy or partner for support on nights when I feel emotionally and spiritually exhausted and need a break. We're just now at the beginning of the next chapter. Even with assistance from the state, there is barely enough money for just me, let alone another responsibility to care for. I could go the single mom route; but looking at my current and anticipated situation, I also feel a good option is to choose a better life for him.

I had decided on the adoption route early on in my pregnancy, but I changed my mind when G decided he wanted to be involved with BG. When I pressured him for developing a co-parenting plan, he backed out of wanting any responsibility because he "is getting to [sic] old to wait tables, to [sic] old and wild AF for this sh&t, could raise a kid by myself or in a relationship, but not co-parenting, and in case you missed the memo; I can't have children, doctor approved".

Needless to say, I got super pissed off. I don't care that he did what I expected him to do at the beginning. I am angrier because he acted like he wanted to be in this and then backed out when it became real and when it became obvious I was not going to get into a relationship with him. All I can say is I am glad that he pulled this before we got further in and it actually impacted poor BG. I have no tolerance for people who make promises and then bail as soon as it gets difficult. Yes, this is a sore point for me and one of the reasons I can come across as harshly blunt and opinionated. I'd rather lay all the cards on the table instead of making false promises.

Sadly, he's not the only one in my life to have made a promise and flaked on me. During the pregnancy alone, there have been many offers of help; I have learned that about 50% of those will pan out. I absolutely realize not everyone is in a position to give. I am not asking for that. I am referring to the people that ask how they can help, provide a way they say they can contribute, and then bail before keeping their promise.  I understand that life happens, people have their own families, other responsibilities, etc., but it's just frustrating. Whether they've legitimately wanted to help or just made the appropriate comments, it feels like being forgotten. It's those same people that will tell me, "You have people around that will help with BG, there's always financial support, ask people for ____." Guess what? I've done that, and yet, here I am.

I feel guilty because I shouldn't be expecting anything at all, and anything anyone can provide is just icing on the cake. On the other hand, I've had people I never expected (and, in several instances, have never met) to provide help, prayers, gifts, advice. I've had to get better about not automatically refusing help and gifts because I don't have the luxury of being my normal independent self.

As I ponder next steps, finances, logistics, etc., I find myself over-analyzing EVERYthing I can think of. I have pros and cons lists, have thought about all angles of the situation, and I am no closer to a decision. So, I keep waffling on whether to give up BG for adoption or commit to a new path. The answer you get depends on what day (and sometimes when in the day) you ask me. I know, I KNOW. I'm getting irritated at myself, too. Have I mentioned how commitment-phobic I am?

Every person that knows of my dilemma has an opinion on what my decision should be. Some friends come out and say their thoughts directly. Others may not realize it, but their preference comes across in the nuances of their questions and phrasing. The only one seemingly silent is God, whom I can't tell what He would have me do. I've tried to take each day at a time, but being still and praying about next steps is not something I enjoy doing.

Logically, I know this situation is temporary, but I'm tired of having to be strong enough to keep moving forward. I'm sure that makes me sound weak and pathetic, but I would like to just take a break from feeling like life's punching bag.

If you need me, I'm going to be taking the rest of the year off from life wallowing in the sludge of misery and stink of wretchedness.

End self-pitying post...Blech!

Meditations:
Psalm 40:1-3
I waited patiently for the Lord, And He inclined to me, and heard my cry. He also brought me up out of a horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my steps. He has put a new song in my mouth--Praise to our God; many will see it and fear, and trust in the Lord.

Psalm 46:10
Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!
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Worn

I'm tired
I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing

I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
'Cause I'm worn

I know I need
To lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won't let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn

And my prayers are wearing thin
I'm worn even before the day begins
I'm worn I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn so heaven so come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Yes all that's dead inside will be reborn
Though I'm worn
Yeah I'm worn