Communication

I love words. Ever since I learned to read even before kindergarten, I have enjoyed the ability to explore the deliciousness of combining various letters to create words, sentences, paragraphs, songs, and entire books. Worlds come alive. Feelings move from ambiguity to specifics, and worlds are visualized with adjectives, nouns, and adverbs. Worlds, both real and fictional, become magical and visceral.

Even though I crave to learn as much as I can about anything, I prefer fiction to non-fiction. Technical books are usually much too dry to enjoy, self-help and business books are very preachy, and, unless I'm interested in the topic, it takes me forever to read a book. Fiction on the other hand, I can devour hours at a time. I get emotionally invested in the characters. I ride their emotional coaster with them, hurt with their hurts, laugh at their jokes, and smile with their happiness. I can escape my feelings and, for a brief time, experience emotions that are safe in a way. No one gets hurt, no one is actually betrayed, and life is usually wrapped up neatly by the end of the glimpse into their lives.

If I had to name a guilty pleasure, I would have to claim Linkin Park. Depending on whom you ask, multiple songs can be considered emo, but from the initial exposure to Hybrid Theory when I heard "Crawling", I could process emotions through their songs. Other than Disturbed and Highly Suspect, they're the "heaviest" I really go into music. I like the blend of rap and rock, and J has learned when I say I'm having a "Linkin Park kind of day", something's wrong. I appreciate that their songs are not usually about the typical "love song", and although their is occasionally profanity, it's there to embellish and enhance the message-not just for shock value.

Words can hurt, heal, encourage, or defeat, especially internal communication. My boss could tell I was struggling after signing the surrender paperwork last Monday and sent me this:

"I nominate P as my Hero of the Month! P has blown me away this past month with her Character alone. She has had a lot of things happen over the past couple of months that really impacted her personal life but she still managed to not miss work but even more, she managed her work/life balance better than many could – given the circumstances. P led the team in the most Positive survey responses and one of the highest scores in the department at a PRR of 90%. P is always willing to help where the business needs whether it be in Chat or on the Phones. She also gives a lot of support to her peers by shadowing, sharing best practices, and helping answer questions. Thank you, P, for your character, work ethic, and your constant drive to help and improve. It does not go unnoticed."

At the end of the year, we have to complete a self-assessment. I struggle to brag about myself without joking about my arrogance and minimizing my skills. There are two versions I could give. The assessment I would give if I were giving it to someone else and the one I would give about myself.

Version 1:
Summary

P is a wonderful asset wherever she is placed. There is no job she is not willing to do. She is undoubtedly the most willing team player I can imagine. She is great at keeping a positive attitude during conflicts and not letting work affect her mood. She excels at learning new information and sharing it with other teammates. She not only loves to learn information presented but keeps asking questions so she can completely understand the context and how it fits the mission and vision of the organization. She has a strong desire to genuinely help customers, is persistent in solving issues, and does not let the customer's frustration affect her. She is great at researching for information she needs and thinking outside the box for creative solutions. She is excellent at communication in a clear way that customers can understand no matter their technical level without sounding like she's being condescending or patronizing. Her compassion and intention to advocate for the customer come across in her communication with customers and results in positive survey responses and a continuously improving response rate. Customer feedback continuously highlights their enjoyment with their customer experience. She has shown leadership in assisting teammates in best practices and sharing her skills so that the department as a whole can improve. Throughout all this, she does not have an air of arrogance about her knowledge or attempt to bring others down to make herself look better. In fact, she is always looking for ways she can improve and excel in ALL areas of her job. I would like to see her take more initiative in learning even more in-depth about the various technologies. She has never been put on a corrective action plan and can be counted on to work overtime when needed. She rises to the challenge and continuously applies feedback to her performance. She has a high level of integrity. She has positive interactions with all her teammates and a wonderful sense of humor that helps to relax tense situations and keep morale up. I would like to see her be more open and a little less stoic. She takes a while to warm up to people, but she's got a great personality and is charming when she gets to know you.

Positives
Able to work in a team or solo environment
Adaptable to change
Quick to learn information
Perfectionist
Excellent vocabulary and communication skills
High Survey Response Rate
High Reliability
Side-by-sides helping teammates
Go-to for information from teammates
Positive attitude
Strong work ethic
Open to constructive criticism and improvement
Strong customer service
Patient with frustrated customers
Creative problem solver
Good at analyzing
Eagerness to learn and understand

Areas of Opportunity and Plan to Improve

High RCR- Being more proactive with followups and increasing knowledge to solve issues
High ACW- Adding to resources and tools to minimize time searching for answers for customers
Inconsistent QA scores-Improving as focus is placed on increasing skills and customer experience
Low PRR-Being more proactive with followups and increasing knowledge to resolve issues

Version 2 if I wrote what I really wanted:
Summary

P settles for what's easy. She doesn't really involve herself in others' lives. She gets moody. She gets distracted easily. She thinks herself above everyone else. She's competitive. She over-analyzes everything. She doesn't want to take responsibility for her life choices. She forgets information and asks questions all the time. She challenges rules and processes in place, and thinks she knows better than others about what needs to be done. She has to know everything, even if it doesn't directly affect her. She's good at bluffing about her skills, but there's no substance. She butts her opinions when questions are asked around her. She's got an opinion about everything, except for the things that matter. She's lazy and tries to do the minimum, yet she gets resentful when she's not the best. She's highly arrogant. She's selective about who she likes to be nice to. She has trouble finishing what she started. She wants people to admire her when she hasn't done anything to be admired for. She acts too big for her britches and doesn't pay attention to detail. She talks too much and isn't a good listener. She's forgetful and doesn't remember details about other people.

Negatives
Low PRR
High RCR
High ACW
Low rapport
Low technical skills
Quick to jump to conclusions
Gets irritated with customers
Hubris

Positives
High reliability
Perfectionist
Smart

I would want to hire the first person and not even acquaint myself with the second. It was a struggle to not go back and edit the first submission, and I had to hit submit before I let myself edit it down to downplay my skills. Even when I have peer-reviewed others, I try to frame it in a positive light, and I would never send version number 2 to anyone since it's just beating down someone who probably has sensitivities in at least one of those areas. Don't let the length of the summaries confuse, though.

Astonishingly, my self-talk HAS improved. Recent events notwithstanding, I'm getting better at accepting compliments and not feeling like I need to prove myself. When things don't go the way you expect, it's a good check on your pride. "I'm better than this" and "you need me" should never be thoughts in my mind. Yet, at the base of it all is that whisper that I will never be enough, that I'll always be second-choice, that I'll always be the consolation prize.

Words...

================================================================

Heavy

I don’t like my mind right now
Stacking up problems that are so unnecessary
Wish that I could slow things down
I wanna let go but there’s comfort in the panic
And I drive myself crazy
Thinking everything's about me
Yeah, I drive myself crazy
'Cause I can’t escape the gravity

I'm holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
So much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what's bringing me down
If I just let go, I'd be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?

You say that I'm paranoid
But I’m pretty sure the world is out to get me
It’s not like I make the choice
To let my mind stay so fucking messy
I know I'm not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning 'round me just the same
I know I'm not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning 'round me just the same

I'm holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
So much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what's bringing me down
If I just let go, I'd be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?

I know I'm not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning 'round me just the same
I know I'm not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning 'round me just the same
And I drive myself crazy
Thinking everything’s about me

Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
So much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what's bringing me down
If I just let go, I'd be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Why is everything so heavy?
Why is everything so heavy?

Mediocrity

I've been coasting.

It's so easy to get into a rut and lull yourself into the land of complacency. I need failures to light a fire in my belly. This past week, no matter what the competition was, I could not win. The tricky part was I usually came in 2nd. It's a good check on humility, but when it all hits in the same week, it's rough. In several of the cases, it was just barely a loss. That extra effort...

I haven't been to church in a month, and my social life is extra selective. Partially, because it's our busy time at work, I have been working 90+-hour weeks while I can to save up money for past-due bills. Mostly, though, it's been avoidance. That extra effort...

It's been challenging to see other moms and children in any age.  All I can think is, "Did I give in too easily?" and "Another thing I've failed at." I see pictures of new babies, announcements of new pregnancies, and the first thought that comes to my mind is, "That was supposed to be MY life." In some ways, it feels like he died. I don't want to talk to everyone about it, and I keep feeling jealousy at the "normal" route of other mothers. I also feel like too many strangers know too much about my life and personal choices I've made. I can't imagine being a celebrity and having everything placed under a microscope.

I haven't been praying, I haven't been reading anything even remotely close to quality just so I can get an emotional release, and I haven't been asking God for help. I feel like I'm in a fog. The hard part about being in a situation that most people haven't been through is that they can't understand it completely. People comprehend bits and pieces, but it's difficult to explain the entire story. That extra effort...

How do you explain that you're jealous of parents having sleepless nights, toddlers that don't listen to rules, or overnight throw-up? How do you explain that you want to complain about your child being sick? How do you explain how it feels when your child does better in 1 week than he did in 3 weeks in his mom's care?

How do you explain that you don't think of your child for most of the day, and yet, you feel like a part of you has been cut out? That extra effort...
===========================================
Skyscraper

Skies are crying, I am watching
Catching tear drops in my hands
Only silence as it's ending
Like we never had a chance
Do you have to make me feel like
There's nothing left of me?

You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper

As the smoke clears, I awaken
And untangle you from me
Would it make you feel better
To watch me while I bleed?
All my windows still are broken
But I'm standing on my feet

You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper

Go run, run, run
I'm gonna stay right here,
Watch you disappear
Yeah, oh
Go run, run, run
Yeah, it's a long way down
But I am closer to the clouds up here

You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Oh Oh
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper

(Like a skyscraper)

Like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper