The Cowardly Tin Scarecrow

I am NOT strong.

When people praise me for my strength and tell me they don't know how I do it, I want to laugh sardonically and maniacally.

Being strong is being proactive, considering all the options, and making a decision. Being strong is having a smile on your face, not because you are faking it, but because you are confident and at peace with yourself and with God. Being strong is being able to reach out to others for help.

Being strong isn't trudging through day by day. Being strong isn't being in a catatonic state. Being strong isn't being able to cry almost at the drop of a hat. Being strong isn't going home and collapsing as soon as you walk in the door. Being strong isn't wanting to head into the wind and run away from all your responsibilities. Being strong isn't having to deal with the consequences of your choices.

I do whatever it is because there is no other option for me to take. There have been several points in my younger years where I considered, and a couple where I halfheartedly attempted, suicide. I would love to say that I've grown past that point and matured in my old age. It's not others' responsibility to pay the penalty for my poor choices.

Most days are easy, but sometimes, especially lately, I feel like I'm fighting through a fog. I don't have any amazing insights to share other than don't judge people that have committed suicide or struggled with depression. Whether they are strong or weak is immaterial. Even if you know them well and live with them everyday, you can't know their internal thoughts.

For some unknown reason, I've never been angry at God. Maybe I should be, but I definitely can't credit my assumed maturity and wisdom. Is it because I don't actually believe in Him? Possibly. My faith and commitment ebbs and flows with the level correlating to how my life is going. I'm almost positive this is why God continues to throw obstacles at me. I would almost assuredly be one of those people that relies on my own intelligence and talents to solve problems.

Even in this season of turbulence and repeated rejections, I'm having trouble praying, though, so clearly, I haven't learned my lesson. I might have a short conversation in passing, but my heart feels apathetic. Maybe I'm afraid to lean on Him in case He disappoints me, too.

Maybe it's time to start my new season on my own terms.
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Even If

They say sometimes you win some
Sometimes you lose some
And right now, right now I'm losing bad
I've stood on this stage night after night
Reminding the broken it'll be alright
But right now, oh right now I just can't

It's easy to sing
When there's nothing to bring me down
But what will I say
When I'm held to the flame
Like I am right now

I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone

They say it only takes a little faith
To move a mountain
Good thing
A little faith is all I have right now
But God, when You choose
To leave mountains unmovable
Give me the strength to be able to sing
It is well with my soul

I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt
Would all go away if You'd just say the word
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone

You've been faithful, You've been good
All of my days
Jesus, I will cling to You
Come what may
‘Cause I know You're able
I know You can

I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt
Would all go away if You'd just say the word
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone

It is well with my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul

Just Desserts

Dear stress, let's break up.

This was supposed to be a coasting year. I'm beginning to think 2016 was a piece of cake compared to where I'm currently dwelling. I feel like a zombie walking around-no emotions, no energy, no enthusiasm for anything-just surviving on autopilot. The emotional roller coaster has won. I concede the battle.

I'm so drained and exhausted. I try to muster the energy needed to be Pollyanna so I don't drag people down with my Eeyore/"woe is me" attitude. I put myself in this situation; I should be able to deal with it. I can keep it up for a short time, but as time progresses, the endurance level gets shorter and shorter. Afterwards, I go into isolation and escape into books until I need to fake through the next interaction.

People often talk about how they don't deserve bad things that happen in their life, but you never hear talk about disowning the good things that occur. We have a lawyer in town that tries to tell people, "You deserve to be paid." LIES. It makes me want to throw something or challenge him to a debate. No one deserves anything except for what they earn on their own merit. Everything else is merely a situational obstacle or assistance.

Sometimes, not having control of a situation allows you to not stress about the outcomes. When you have an impact on the possibilities based on your choices, it can be more challenging to give it over to God and to let things happen. When I got news that based on the ultrasound, BG was going to have a heart defect (ASD-Atrial Septal Defect and possible TGA-Transposition of the Great Arteries), I felt strangely calm about the entire situation. I had no control and nothing I did was going to fix the problem.

Trying to be thankful when your baby has been in the hospital for almost 6 weeks and is about to have surgery on his face has proven to be a bit more strenuous, mostly because he's in there because of life choices I've made. I'm only slightly exaggerating. Since I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes in 2009, doctors have been telling me I need to monitor my blood sugar. Well, it's finally caught up to me. It hasn't affected only me; the consequences are playing out in poor BG's life and he is just now starting out in life. Trying to decide if I'm still keeping BG since G has backed out of his co-parenting responsibilities and is even denying his paternity has proven to be downright debilitating.

People have been supremely generous with all kinds of baby gifts and supplies; but, at the end of the day, it is still just me and BG. No baby daddy or partner for support on nights when I feel emotionally and spiritually exhausted and need a break. We're just now at the beginning of the next chapter. Even with assistance from the state, there is barely enough money for just me, let alone another responsibility to care for. I could go the single mom route; but looking at my current and anticipated situation, I also feel a good option is to choose a better life for him.

I had decided on the adoption route early on in my pregnancy, but I changed my mind when G decided he wanted to be involved with BG. When I pressured him for developing a co-parenting plan, he backed out of wanting any responsibility because he "is getting to [sic] old to wait tables, to [sic] old and wild AF for this sh&t, could raise a kid by myself or in a relationship, but not co-parenting, and in case you missed the memo; I can't have children, doctor approved".

Needless to say, I got super pissed off. I don't care that he did what I expected him to do at the beginning. I am angrier because he acted like he wanted to be in this and then backed out when it became real and when it became obvious I was not going to get into a relationship with him. All I can say is I am glad that he pulled this before we got further in and it actually impacted poor BG. I have no tolerance for people who make promises and then bail as soon as it gets difficult. Yes, this is a sore point for me and one of the reasons I can come across as harshly blunt and opinionated. I'd rather lay all the cards on the table instead of making false promises.

Sadly, he's not the only one in my life to have made a promise and flaked on me. During the pregnancy alone, there have been many offers of help; I have learned that about 50% of those will pan out. I absolutely realize not everyone is in a position to give. I am not asking for that. I am referring to the people that ask how they can help, provide a way they say they can contribute, and then bail before keeping their promise.  I understand that life happens, people have their own families, other responsibilities, etc., but it's just frustrating. Whether they've legitimately wanted to help or just made the appropriate comments, it feels like being forgotten. It's those same people that will tell me, "You have people around that will help with BG, there's always financial support, ask people for ____." Guess what? I've done that, and yet, here I am.

I feel guilty because I shouldn't be expecting anything at all, and anything anyone can provide is just icing on the cake. On the other hand, I've had people I never expected (and, in several instances, have never met) to provide help, prayers, gifts, advice. I've had to get better about not automatically refusing help and gifts because I don't have the luxury of being my normal independent self.

As I ponder next steps, finances, logistics, etc., I find myself over-analyzing EVERYthing I can think of. I have pros and cons lists, have thought about all angles of the situation, and I am no closer to a decision. So, I keep waffling on whether to give up BG for adoption or commit to a new path. The answer you get depends on what day (and sometimes when in the day) you ask me. I know, I KNOW. I'm getting irritated at myself, too. Have I mentioned how commitment-phobic I am?

Every person that knows of my dilemma has an opinion on what my decision should be. Some friends come out and say their thoughts directly. Others may not realize it, but their preference comes across in the nuances of their questions and phrasing. The only one seemingly silent is God, whom I can't tell what He would have me do. I've tried to take each day at a time, but being still and praying about next steps is not something I enjoy doing.

Logically, I know this situation is temporary, but I'm tired of having to be strong enough to keep moving forward. I'm sure that makes me sound weak and pathetic, but I would like to just take a break from feeling like life's punching bag.

If you need me, I'm going to be taking the rest of the year off from life wallowing in the sludge of misery and stink of wretchedness.

End self-pitying post...Blech!

Meditations:
Psalm 40:1-3
I waited patiently for the Lord, And He inclined to me, and heard my cry. He also brought me up out of a horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my steps. He has put a new song in my mouth--Praise to our God; many will see it and fear, and trust in the Lord.

Psalm 46:10
Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!
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Worn

I'm tired
I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing

I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
'Cause I'm worn

I know I need
To lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won't let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn

And my prayers are wearing thin
I'm worn even before the day begins
I'm worn I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn so heaven so come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Yes all that's dead inside will be reborn
Though I'm worn
Yeah I'm worn

The Baby Thing

So....I've finally made the decision. I think, anyway. Who knows? I might change my mind tomorrow.

Deep breaths. Inhale. Exhale.

Are you crazy?
Who ever said I made a decision based on logic and smarts?
You've always been a sink-or-swim situation kind of person.
But, it's not a short-term decision. It has an 18+-year sentence.
What if you pass on your mental issues?
It would be better off without you.
You're getting old. This might be your last chance.
The baby's father, G, has a great support network set up--much better than yours.
You've never been one to do things the traditional way.
Don't let the child feel abandoned and unloved for the rest of its life.
You'll regret giving it up.
You'll regret keeping it.
You're being selfless.
You're being selfish.
You're being stupid.
You have people around you who will help.
What if J decides he doesn't love me anymore and I'm left alone?
Your life will never be the same.
What if you can't do this?
Whatever happens, this is all in God's plan for you.
At the end of the day, it's just me and the dogs.
How are YOU going to take care of a baby?

The thoughts go back and forth. Some are mine; some are comments/advice from friends and acquaintances.

I told many people that G would not want to be a father because he told me he couldn't have kids, so I assumed when I got pregnant that it was because it was a line. From the moment I told him, he's been very excited. He said he didn't think he could have kids because he had been trying with a few girlfriends. Within 5 days, he told me if I didn't want to raise BG at all, he's been best friends with a Huntsville girl for 11 years, and she is willing to marry him and help raise BG. They told their families, who were very supportive. (I was slightly jealous) He has a house set up in a nice part of the area. His family would be 20 minutes away. BG would go to preschool, private school, and be well taken care of. If I want to share custody, he would stay in Nashville to be involved in the day-to-day and would switch shifts around so he would be available to care for BG while I work and then I would take over in the evenings while he works.

The decision changed from "Do I have to give up BG?" to "Do I want to give up BG?" The good thing is my decision is between good and good. There's really not a bad option here.

J has said he won't have any issue with helping to raise another man's child, and he has been so supportive, albeit annoyingly not forthcoming with his opinion.The hard part is while we are good now, I still consider us in the beginning stages of our relationship. I have no long-term claim on him at this point, and while I couldn't completely factor him into my decision, in all fairness, I couldn't rule him out. In some ways, the decision would have been easier were we not together.

All that to say....I'm going to give the baby thing a try.

Whew! There I said it. Am I terrified? Yes, yes, I am. Am I stubborn? Yes, yes, I am.

Thankfully, I've had a super easy pregnancy so far, although I'm slightly nervous that something will happen in the last 3 months. I'm dreading the labor and delivery portion, and I don't even have an inkling of an idea about how to create a birth plan. I STILL have no idea of the gender because trying to get an appointment set up--insurance, work schedule, and transferring to a different ob-gyn--has proven frustrating.

All I can ask for at this point are prayers. I have no idea how I'm going to make this work, and we all know I LOVE being pushed out of my comfort zone.
I do however crave adventures, and this seems like somewhat of a big one.  
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Piece by Piece - Kelly Clarkson

And all I remember is your back
Walking towards the airport, leaving us all in your past
I traveled fifteen hundred miles to see you
I begged you to want me, but you didn’t want to

But piece by piece, he collected me up
Off the ground, where you abandoned things
Piece by piece he filled the holes that you burned in me
Six years old and you know
He never walks away
He never asks for money
He takes care of me
He loves me
Piece by piece, he restores my faith
That a man can be kind and the father could, stay

And all of your words fall flat
I made something of myself and now you wanna come back
But your love, it isn’t free, it has to be earned
Back then I didn’t have anything you needed so I was worthless

But piece by piece, he collected me up
Off the ground, where you abandoned things
Piece by piece he filled the holes that you burned in me
Six years old and you know
He never walks away
He never asks for money
He takes care of me
'Cause he loves me
Piece by piece, he restored my faith
That a man can be kind and a father could, stay

Piece by piece

Piece by piece I fell far from the tree
I will never leave her like you left me
And she will never have to wonder her worth
Because unlike you I’m going to put her first and you know
He’ll never walk away,
He’ll never break her heart
He’ll take care of things, he’ll love her
Piece by piece, he restored my faith
That a man can be kind and the father should be great

Piece by piece
Piece by piece

The Very Best Worst Day

My heart has been broken more than a few times in my life. February 22, 1999, was not one of those days.

I can remember the day my dad died very vividly. It replays like a movie in my head. I can tell you what friends and teacher came to the hospital to support me. I can tell you that I comforted my mom and sister when they got emotional after learning that he was just living through machines.

I can tell you I did not cry.

In hindsight, I see that day as the day of my release from prison. I didn't know it at the time, but it was the last day I would be a sexual abuse victim. It was the BEST worst day of my entire life.

Until I admitted the abuse to myself a year later, I never once considered myself as an abuse survivor. I would read stories about abuse and feel sorry for those people but I did not see myself in their shoes. Throughout the abuse, I saw myself as being a "bad" person for having feelings and I knew there was something wrong with what my dad was doing; but I didn't have a support system as I do now, and since it had been going on for 12 years, I didn't know any different, so I thought it was "normal".

I isolated myself from schoolmates, I very rarely portrayed any type of emotion that wasn't negative, I was hostile and resistant to most people, I didn't cry because that was a weakness, I looked forward to going back to school on Mondays and dreaded Fridays, and I read books. Books were the one place I could escape from my life. I could go into many different worlds and lives and I knew there was better out there. If only I could hold on until 18, then I would be free.

For a long time, I felt guilty that I had caused my dad's death. He had a biopsy a short time beforehand, and I liked to goose him because I knew he hated it. I had no idea about the surgery and I goosed him a few days before his collapse on the side of the road. I did a lot of research to determine if sutures could be burst just by poking someone. The jury is still out.

If my dad were still alive today, I have no doubt my life would be filled with much more turmoil and I would be stuck in a time warp. I wrote the following letter 3 years ago and updated it to reflect the current situation. I finally feel like a victor. I opened myself up to relationships this year, and while they didn't turn out ideally, I BEAT THE DEVIL. I am not stuck in a cage of my thoughts and worries.

I have cried. And I have lived.

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Dear Daddy,

I am taking this time to finally say goodbye to you. After almost 18 years, I have finally had enough. I held onto you and your effect on me for so long because I did not want to let you go. As long as I held on to the anger and the hurt, in some ways, you were still with me. I had never really given myself a chance to mourn you because I was trying to hold on to something that never actually existed.

You deeply hurt me with your abuse of me, and I cannot begin to understand it, but I have decided I do not want you to determine my life anymore. Remaining stuck in the past will never allow me the life or the love I really want to achieve. I had allowed you to decide when I was happy, when I was sad, when I distrusted people, and when I felt unsafe. You were like a voice whispering in my ear and keeping blinders on me. I am tired of having a victim mentality instead of a warrior mentality. All it did was keep me stuck. I saw others pass me by like ships in a fog, and I envied them their happiness and successes.

I am sorry your life was so bad that you felt like you had to take it out on your own family. I must say that I don’t understand that level of egocentrism and despair where you need to inflict pain on other people to make yourself feel better. I do hope in some way it helped; otherwise, it’s even worse that in the end, it was all for nothing.

I don’t want to make this into a letter of anger and hatred since that is precisely what I am trying to keep away from, but suffice it to say, in your pathetic parenting of me as a child and teenager, I felt like such a failure and disappointment to you. Nothing was ever good enough - I was never good enough for you. Your love, what little there was, had to be earned, but you were so cold and distant that when you did offer your perverted sense of affection, I welcomed it because I knew that was all I was going to get from you.

I cannot pretend to understand why you adopted children if they were not what you wanted. You were all about image and appearances and status. I got so invested in keeping up appearances that I stayed away from all people in case they found out the truth about our family. I felt completely worthless because you made me feel that way every day growing up, and I carried that with me into adulthood.

I questioned my basic value as a human being, and I always worried about being a burden or imposition on anyone. I isolated myself and felt uneasy around other people, especially males, at a level far behind social awkwardness and anxiety. I used to be desperate for love and approval and would do anything to make people like me because of you. It was the worst thing in the world, as far as I was concerned, if someone was mad at me or didn’t like me. I was intimidated by angry people and felt guilty when I stood up for myself or acted in my own best interest because of you.

I was attracted to emotionally unavailable people with addictive personalities and to other victims because I confused love with pity and tended to “love” people that I could pity and rescue. I repressed my feelings and told everyone that I was “fine” because I was unaware of the impact that my inability to identify and express my feelings had on my adult life. I have a dependent personality because of you and was so terrified of rejection or abandonment that I stayed in situations or relationships that were harmful to me. My fears and dependency kept me from ending unfulfilling relationships and prevented me from entering into fulfilling ones, which was a result of the dysfunctional example that I had growing up. I ran scared in the other direction so I could not be damaged again.

I do admit that you taught me some good things: love of education, desire to improve myself, compassion for others’ suffering, desire to help those in need, and, interestingly enough, hope that there is something better and bigger out there than this measly existence. You made me aware of faults that were within me, and, in doing so, I am able to work on them and improve my life for the better, so thank you for that. So, in spite of everything you did, I am still a valuable person, but that’s because of what I’ve done, not because of your example for me.

I’ve already begun to mend myself, but I realize that I still have a long way to go before I will be able to completely move past everything that has happened. I realize that there are good men in the world, in spite of your fabulous example. I won’t think about you anymore except in a vague, foggy memory sort of way--like a stranger I would pass on the street. In the end, however, I win. I win every day that I choose to get up and fight.

This year, I have allowed myself to feel emotions, to invest myself in healthy relationships, to push myself outside of my emotional comfort zone. I have realized my self-worth and refused to accept less than the best because I deserve it. I have created a circle of trust and loyalty with quality people, not because I have anything to contribute but because I live. I have focused on self-care because I am important enough to be taken care of just as much as I take care of others. I allowed myself to let go in intimate relationships and trust that the other person had my best interest at heart. I even fell in love. I CAN be happy. I CAN be a human being.

There is nothing more I want or need from you. Your love and acceptance could not change who I am or where I am going in my life. There is nothing more to say except, “Goodbye and good riddance.” I wish I could say it has been wonderful, but that would be a lie.

Your adopted (but never really yours) daughter

God is One Stubborn Guy

“It is an act of humility towards the mystery of the presence of the Lord in our lives to accept trials and difficulties, even upsetting ones, even ones which come from other people.  It is letting the Lord follow His plan for us and respecting the mystery of His presence. We must let the Lord be quite free to follow His plan for us.t We must accept everything and everybody He uses to fulfill this plan.  When it is impossible for us not to be sad, our sadness should be gentle and serene.  We must accept suffering and not become bitter.” - (Metropolitan Anthony (Bloom) of Sourozh – “Courage to Pray”)

 I've tried to throw God away more times than I care to admit...okay, more times than I can count–like that goofy animal that doesn't get that I want to be alone and that "No, I DON'T want to cuddle right now; I'm just irritated at the world" and "No, I DON'T know why I feel this way or when I'll feel better!"

Dealing with my own emotions definitely makes me assume that God deals with me like I am a 2-year old child having a tantrum, except with MUCH more patience and annoyingly accurate understanding.

Try as I might to pull myself away, He keeps getting in my face. I test Him often and intensely, and He doesn't react. He doesn't punish me for my lack of comprehension and obedience. Rather, He seems to reward me and realizes that I need to come to terms with life on my own.

I argue with Him. ALOT. I complain and whine and make half-hearted promises and try to bargain with Him. I rationalize about how my plan is beneficial to me, and justify why my choices should determine my reward but not my consequences.

I get angry about why He won't just leave me alone in my fallacies and warped views. Then, I feel guilty for feeling angry with Him because He loves me so I should be more appreciative. Then, I feel ashamed and confused that I'm feeling guilty and angry. And, so the cycle goes on and on and on...

Yet, there He patiently stays, while I wrestle with my demons–His arms and Love wrapped around me, always in front of my face waiting until I see Him as He is, not as I have imagined Him to be. Ever-constant. Never changing.

He is firm and gentle, patient and unrelenting, challenging and comforting, all-knowing and mysterious, judging and forgiving, masculine and feminine, and through it all He is what I need Him to be when I need it, even though I have not the awareness of what I need.

Would I claim that I love and trust God as I should at this point? Definitely not. I struggle with the balance of depending on God for everything while still yearning for human relationships. I sometimes feel guilty that my earthly relationships are more important to me than my heavenly one. I have to remind myself that the human and animal relationships are a small reflection of God's intention of our relationship with Him, and that He Himself has a relationship.

I'm slowly learning that my Heavenly Father is NOT my earthly father. I'm slowly learning that I am worthy of God's love, despite the lies and frightened whispers my inner child would have me believe. If I could learn to relax and allow God's love to infiltrate every fiber of my being, everything else would fall into place. Every so often, I'll see a glimpse of it and acknowledge that it's there, and then I fall back into old habits. I'm a stubborn learner–the curse of intelligence, I'm afraid, but then God already knows and accepts that. It's time I did, too.
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Warrior

This is a story that I have never told
I gotta get this off my chest to let it go
I need to take back the light inside you stole
You're a criminal
And you steal like you're a pro

All the pain and the truth
I wear like a battle wound
So ashamed, so confused
I was broken and bruised

Now I'm a warrior
Now I've got thicker skin
I'm a warrior
I'm stronger than I've ever been
And my armor, is made of steel, you can't get in
I'm a warrior
And you can never hurt me again

Out of the ashes, I'm burning like a fire
You can save your apologies, you're nothing but a liar
I've got shame, I've got scars
That I will never show
I'm a survivor
In more ways than you know

Cause all the pain and the truth
I wear like a battle wound
So ashamed, so confused
I'm not broken or bruised

'Cause now I'm a warrior
Now I've got thicker skin
I'm a warrior
I'm stronger than I've ever been
And my armor, is made of steel, you can't get in
I'm a warrior
And you can never hurt me

There's a part of me I can't get back
A little girl grew up too fast
All it took was once, I'll never be the same
Now I'm taking back my life today
Nothing left that you can say
Cause you are never gonna take the blame anyway

Now I'm a warrior
I've got thicker skin
I'm a warrior
I'm stronger than I've ever been
And my armor, is made of steel, you can't get in
I'm a warrior
And you can never hurt me again