Someone asked me how I know that I can trust them. It's nothing I can really put my finger on. Some people think people that have been abused are hyper aware of body language and vocal inflections. I don't exactly know how I know, but I just go with my initial "gut" reaction towards a person. I know when people are safe and when people are only putting a facade. I also tend to feel a connection with people that have been in similar situations, especially abusive ones, even if they are not exactly like mine. This is only outside my family, of course. :)
I am selective with sharing myself, but I promise I am light years away from where I used to be even a few years ago. Some of it was a conscious decision that I made last summer, and some of it has just been life, I think. I am still such a people-pleaser that I cannot get out of my habit of determining what people want and becoming that, even at the risk of causing detriment to my own emotional psyche.
Recently, I have been focusing on really thinking about what I want-not in an unhealthy way, but in an "I need to take care of me" mentality. I must admit it is much more difficult than I had anticipated. You would think being "selfish" would be easy, but with my people-pleasing mind, it takes an actual effort to think about myself first. With the few times I have said "No" not being failures and no catalysmic world-endings to be seen, it does make me a little bit braver and gives me pause instead of being a "yes-man."
I still see this as being a battle, at least in the forseeable future. It is difficult to undo 30 years of training in a few years. As I walk further and further out from my "safe zone" with no negative repercussions, I do become braver, but I think I will always be difficult to be in a close relationship with. I am stubborn, and I scare way too easily. It reminds me over-correcting in a car. When I make the effort towards improving and receive what I perceive to be a rejection, I jerk back and flee the other direction when what I should be doing is taking a deep breath and coming at it with calm, assertive energy. ;)
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"Trust Me" - The Fray
Looking for something I've never seen.
Alone and I'm in between
The place that I'm from and
The place that I'm in:
A city I've never been.
Alone and I'm in between
The place that I'm from and
The place that I'm in:
A city I've never been.
I found a friend. or should I say foe.
Said there's a few things you should know.
We don't want you to see
We come and we go;
Here today, gone tomorrow.
We're only taking turns
Holding this world.
It's how it's always been.
When you're older, you will understand.
If I say who I know, it just goes to show
You need me less than I need you.
Take it from me
We don't give sympathy
You can trust me trust nobody
But I said you and me
We don't have honesty
The things we don't want to speak
I'll try to get out but I never will
Traffic is perfectly still
Were only taking turns
Holding this world
It's how it's always been
When you're older you will understand
And again maybe you don't
And again maybe you won't
When you're older
You might understand
When you're older
You might understand
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