Social Anxiety

It may or may not surprise you to know that I have social anxiety. Before you ask, no, I have never been officially diagnosed, but I know myself in social situations. It's not the same as just being shy.

Groups of people stress me out. It's not as bad when I am in a group where I know almost every individual, but the greater the number of people present and the fewer I actually know, the less likely I am to be there. It's A (but not the only) reason I don't go to huge concerts, why I don't like to go shopping in malls, and why you will never find me in a club. Even an event as small as, say, an open house for your company's new location will overwhelm me, and I skedaddle to the safety of my solo residence and dogs as quickly and quietly as possible. Sometimes after church, I toy with the idea of not going into coffee hour to chitchat. More often than not, though, I can manage a short while.

People often ask, "How are you today?" The question directed to me should be, "How social are you feeling today?" Social anxiety and ambiversion do not mesh well. On days that I feel like being social, it's not a catastrophe, but if for some reason I am feeling the need to withdraw, it merely heightens the tendencies that are already there.

I know, I know. I should "just grow up and get over it." I am working on it, but I've also reached that age where I don't have to do something I don't want to. It's a dangerous place to be, as it can become stagnant quite quickly.

Yes, I have a fabulous vocabulary, although, sadly, I do not use as much of it as I would like. However, when I am feeling awkward and flustered, it is as if all the words I have learned in my 34 years have completely vacated my brain, and I have no idea what to say. I am horrible at small talk. I would much rather debate and discuss more cerebral topics. I really couldn't care less about the pop culture of today. Even the mainstream media aims for shock value and negative stories. No wonder people are depressed!

At some point, I am going to HAVE to talk to people. What is completely ironic, though, is that despite having social anxiety, I actually enjoy being around people(caveat: that I know and only in smaller groups). The more I interact with my community, the less my social anxiety controls me. Practice makes perfect?

The holidays can especially be an iffy time. There is such an emphasis on gathering with family and friends you don't often see, but for many people, it can remind one of the feeling of not really being an integral part of something, just merely existing on the outskirts. Multiple parties do not always portray an accurate picture of how the individual really feels beneath the façade.

This makes it even more critical, albeit difficult, to laugh at fear and to march forward confidently into battle--yes, I said battle--and slaughter the many demons of anxiety, disassociation, and cowardice. It's fortuitous that I am so stubborn and determined, then.