God is One Stubborn Guy

“It is an act of humility towards the mystery of the presence of the Lord in our lives to accept trials and difficulties, even upsetting ones, even ones which come from other people.  It is letting the Lord follow His plan for us and respecting the mystery of His presence. We must let the Lord be quite free to follow His plan for us.t We must accept everything and everybody He uses to fulfill this plan.  When it is impossible for us not to be sad, our sadness should be gentle and serene.  We must accept suffering and not become bitter.” - (Metropolitan Anthony (Bloom) of Sourozh – “Courage to Pray”)

 I've tried to throw God away more times than I care to admit...okay, more times than I can count–like that goofy animal that doesn't get that I want to be alone and that "No, I DON'T want to cuddle right now; I'm just irritated at the world" and "No, I DON'T know why I feel this way or when I'll feel better!"

Dealing with my own emotions definitely makes me assume that God deals with me like I am a 2-year old child having a tantrum, except with MUCH more patience and annoyingly accurate understanding.

Try as I might to pull myself away, He keeps getting in my face. I test Him often and intensely, and He doesn't react. He doesn't punish me for my lack of comprehension and obedience. Rather, He seems to reward me and realizes that I need to come to terms with life on my own.

I argue with Him. ALOT. I complain and whine and make half-hearted promises and try to bargain with Him. I rationalize about how my plan is beneficial to me, and justify why my choices should determine my reward but not my consequences.

I get angry about why He won't just leave me alone in my fallacies and warped views. Then, I feel guilty for feeling angry with Him because He loves me so I should be more appreciative. Then, I feel ashamed and confused that I'm feeling guilty and angry. And, so the cycle goes on and on and on...

Yet, there He patiently stays, while I wrestle with my demons–His arms and Love wrapped around me, always in front of my face waiting until I see Him as He is, not as I have imagined Him to be. Ever-constant. Never changing.

He is firm and gentle, patient and unrelenting, challenging and comforting, all-knowing and mysterious, judging and forgiving, masculine and feminine, and through it all He is what I need Him to be when I need it, even though I have not the awareness of what I need.

Would I claim that I love and trust God as I should at this point? Definitely not. I struggle with the balance of depending on God for everything while still yearning for human relationships. I sometimes feel guilty that my earthly relationships are more important to me than my heavenly one. I have to remind myself that the human and animal relationships are a small reflection of God's intention of our relationship with Him, and that He Himself has a relationship.

I'm slowly learning that my Heavenly Father is NOT my earthly father. I'm slowly learning that I am worthy of God's love, despite the lies and frightened whispers my inner child would have me believe. If I could learn to relax and allow God's love to infiltrate every fiber of my being, everything else would fall into place. Every so often, I'll see a glimpse of it and acknowledge that it's there, and then I fall back into old habits. I'm a stubborn learner–the curse of intelligence, I'm afraid, but then God already knows and accepts that. It's time I did, too.
==============================================================
Warrior

This is a story that I have never told
I gotta get this off my chest to let it go
I need to take back the light inside you stole
You're a criminal
And you steal like you're a pro

All the pain and the truth
I wear like a battle wound
So ashamed, so confused
I was broken and bruised

Now I'm a warrior
Now I've got thicker skin
I'm a warrior
I'm stronger than I've ever been
And my armor, is made of steel, you can't get in
I'm a warrior
And you can never hurt me again

Out of the ashes, I'm burning like a fire
You can save your apologies, you're nothing but a liar
I've got shame, I've got scars
That I will never show
I'm a survivor
In more ways than you know

Cause all the pain and the truth
I wear like a battle wound
So ashamed, so confused
I'm not broken or bruised

'Cause now I'm a warrior
Now I've got thicker skin
I'm a warrior
I'm stronger than I've ever been
And my armor, is made of steel, you can't get in
I'm a warrior
And you can never hurt me

There's a part of me I can't get back
A little girl grew up too fast
All it took was once, I'll never be the same
Now I'm taking back my life today
Nothing left that you can say
Cause you are never gonna take the blame anyway

Now I'm a warrior
I've got thicker skin
I'm a warrior
I'm stronger than I've ever been
And my armor, is made of steel, you can't get in
I'm a warrior
And you can never hurt me again

Square Peg, Round Hole

"The worst solitude is to be destitute of sincere friendship."

If I'm being honest, I should admit that I am a horrible friend. I do not say this out of false modesty, but rather an objective account of my interpersonal skills with my community. How do I expect to be a good wife if I cannot even be a good friend?

I remember reading a blog post a couple of years ago that really resonated with me(although I cannot find it now). The author was talking about 2 different types of friends, essentially a "first-responder" friend and a "builder" friend. The difference is that the first-responders are great when you have trauma and catastrophes in your life, but they aren't there for the daily struggle, for the constant roller coaster of life. I am fabulous at being there when a need arises, but I don't do anything to maintain the long-term relationship. It's almost like being a rock skipping across a pond. I land just long enough to make brief contact, and then I'm off again.

I'm only a friend when it's easy. Nothing is required of me. All I need to do is smile politely, show or tell people what they want to see, and share just enough to make me seem intimate and "real", but not too needy. It's easy to relate to people only in one capacity and compartmentalize certain types of friendships I have.

I still struggle with trying to make friendships fit what I want them to be so they benefit me. One of my current friendships frustrates me because I want something different, but I'm so fearful of rejection and losing the person that I will most likely never push for something more or accept the fact that our friendship isn't fitting the box I want to put it in.  My insecurities come out of the woodwork, and I find myself clinging to the very thing that I should be letting go. Can we say hamster wheel??

I'm not even a good friend to myself. I am completely a fair-weather fan of me. As long as everything is moving along smoothly, I'm upbeat, complimentary of my characteristics, and accepting even of my faults. As soon as something goes wrong, I spin around into a 180-degree thought process and become the judge and jury and sentence myself to a life sentence without any hope of parole.

Despite the spiritual struggles and attacks during Lent, it's actually a fairly "easy" season for me. I excel at seeing why I should be remorseful about my pride and selfishness towards God and my fellow man. Stepping through the gate into the Paschal season is difficult. I still find myself being wary about accepting God's grace because deep down, I do not trust God completely(or even halfway, really). I only want to be a Christian as much as is necessary for me to seem "good". I don't like having to struggle, and while, yes, logically, I see the benefit in it, I am lazy and want to take the easy way out. Until that is fixed, I'm afraid this will be a long ride on the hamster wheel.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dionne Warwick - That's What Friends Are For

And I never thought I'd feel this way
And as far as I'm concerned
I'm glad I got the chance to say
That I do believe, I love you

And if I should ever go away
Well, then close your eyes and try
To feel the way we do today
And then if you can remember

Keep smiling, keep shining
Knowing you can always count on me, for sure
That's what friends are for
For good times and bad times

I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for

Well, you came in loving me
And now there's so much more I see
And so by the way
I thank you

Oh and then for the times when we're apart
Well, then close your eyes and know
The words are coming from my heart
And then if you can remember

Keep smiling and keep shining
Knowing you can always count on me, for sure

That's what friends are for
In good times and bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for

Boring is Underrated

I am suffering from some serious baby envy right now. Ugh. I finally admit that I am a girl/woman. I want to get married and have kids. I've been trying to come up with a good, selfless reason why I would want to do this, and I have nothing. Zip. Zilch. Nada. I don't want to have a family for any other reason than because I want one.

I don't expect some sort of fairytale or Hollywood romance with fireworks and a novel-worthy storyline. If I'm honest, I should admit that I have a romanticized image of two old people doing the mundane, ordinary day-to-day activities and just reveling in the fact that someone has been through the thick and thin with you for ~50 years.

Since it is after the New Year, people have been asking me what my resolution is for this year. I just make some sarcastic comment(shocking, I know!), but I have several resolutions. Some carry over from last year, of course, and most of them I won't share with anyone else, but all of them relate to breaking out of my shell and cocoon that I have remained in for approximately 15 years now.

This past week was the 1-year anniversary of losing Basil. While I tend to equate my feelings for him as more of a parent/child than pet or partner, it's not as intimate or vulnerable as a human-human relationship. I still miss the crap out of that little bugger, but I also know that is only a minor equivalent to what I will feel with a close human loss(father's death notwithstanding); however, building my life around dogs is too seductive because dogs don't require much of you emotionally. They love you. You yell at them. They look sad. You give them a treat or a hug. It is such a minimal amount of risk for your heart.

The problem is that I still live in a bubble of fear––fear of things that I don't particularly care to share here, but needless to say, there are too many of them. I am where I am in my life due to fear of change and the unwillingness to do things differently because there hasn't been enough of an impetus to move forward. Inside this bubble, I am "safe" and I know how things operate and I can function through the day-to-day.

Recently, I learned of a "Rejection Therapy" product. Like most of the world, I maneuver my life in such a way that I receive a minimal amount of rejection. I have purchased the cards, and my intent is to create opportunities in which I am forced to be outside of my comfort zone. The goal of this particular program is to make it so that rejections sting less each time, and you build yourself up to bigger risks and opportunities. I am excited and extremely nervous about doing this, but I dislike being stagnant in personal growth, and I definitely think the rewards will outweigh the cost.

My hope is that this will also increase my openness in being vulnerable to people in general. If my goal is to have a family, then I have to be open to rejection in order to make it happen. Blech! I must drink the medicine, I suppose...
=================================================================
Thinking Out Loud

When your legs don't work like they used to before
And I can't sweep you off of your feet
Will your mouth still remember the taste of my love?
Will your eyes still smile from your cheeks?

And, darling, I will be loving you 'til we're 70
And, baby, my heart could still fall as hard at 23
And I'm thinking 'bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways
Maybe just the touch of a hand
Well, me—I fall in love with you every single day
And I just wanna tell you I am

So honey now
Take me into your loving arms
Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars
Place your head on my beating heart
I'm thinking out loud
That maybe we found love right where we are

When my hair's all but gone and my memory fades
And the crowds don't remember my name
When my hands don't play the strings the same way
I know you will still love me the same

'Cause honey your soul could never grow old, it's evergreen
And, baby, your smile's forever in my mind and memory
I'm thinking 'bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways
Maybe it's all part of a plan
Well, I'll just keep on making the same mistakes
Hoping that you'll understand

But, baby, now
Take me into your loving arms
Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars
Place your head on my beating heart
Thinking out loud
That maybe we found love right where we are

So, baby, now
Take me into your loving arms
Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars
Oh, darling, place your head on my beating heart
I'm thinking out loud
That maybe we found love right where we are
Oh, baby, we found love right where we are
And we found love right where we are




Acoustic version