Square Peg, Round Hole

"The worst solitude is to be destitute of sincere friendship."

If I'm being honest, I should admit that I am a horrible friend. I do not say this out of false modesty, but rather an objective account of my interpersonal skills with my community. How do I expect to be a good wife if I cannot even be a good friend?

I remember reading a blog post a couple of years ago that really resonated with me(although I cannot find it now). The author was talking about 2 different types of friends, essentially a "first-responder" friend and a "builder" friend. The difference is that the first-responders are great when you have trauma and catastrophes in your life, but they aren't there for the daily struggle, for the constant roller coaster of life. I am fabulous at being there when a need arises, but I don't do anything to maintain the long-term relationship. It's almost like being a rock skipping across a pond. I land just long enough to make brief contact, and then I'm off again.

I'm only a friend when it's easy. Nothing is required of me. All I need to do is smile politely, show or tell people what they want to see, and share just enough to make me seem intimate and "real", but not too needy. It's easy to relate to people only in one capacity and compartmentalize certain types of friendships I have.

I still struggle with trying to make friendships fit what I want them to be so they benefit me. One of my current friendships frustrates me because I want something different, but I'm so fearful of rejection and losing the person that I will most likely never push for something more or accept the fact that our friendship isn't fitting the box I want to put it in.  My insecurities come out of the woodwork, and I find myself clinging to the very thing that I should be letting go. Can we say hamster wheel??

I'm not even a good friend to myself. I am completely a fair-weather fan of me. As long as everything is moving along smoothly, I'm upbeat, complimentary of my characteristics, and accepting even of my faults. As soon as something goes wrong, I spin around into a 180-degree thought process and become the judge and jury and sentence myself to a life sentence without any hope of parole.

Despite the spiritual struggles and attacks during Lent, it's actually a fairly "easy" season for me. I excel at seeing why I should be remorseful about my pride and selfishness towards God and my fellow man. Stepping through the gate into the Paschal season is difficult. I still find myself being wary about accepting God's grace because deep down, I do not trust God completely(or even halfway, really). I only want to be a Christian as much as is necessary for me to seem "good". I don't like having to struggle, and while, yes, logically, I see the benefit in it, I am lazy and want to take the easy way out. Until that is fixed, I'm afraid this will be a long ride on the hamster wheel.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dionne Warwick - That's What Friends Are For

And I never thought I'd feel this way
And as far as I'm concerned
I'm glad I got the chance to say
That I do believe, I love you

And if I should ever go away
Well, then close your eyes and try
To feel the way we do today
And then if you can remember

Keep smiling, keep shining
Knowing you can always count on me, for sure
That's what friends are for
For good times and bad times

I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for

Well, you came in loving me
And now there's so much more I see
And so by the way
I thank you

Oh and then for the times when we're apart
Well, then close your eyes and know
The words are coming from my heart
And then if you can remember

Keep smiling and keep shining
Knowing you can always count on me, for sure

That's what friends are for
In good times and bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for