So....I've finally made the decision. I think, anyway. Who knows? I might change my mind tomorrow.
Deep breaths. Inhale. Exhale.
Are you crazy?
Who ever said I made a decision based on logic and smarts?
You've always been a sink-or-swim situation kind of person.
But, it's not a short-term decision. It has an 18+-year sentence.
What if you pass on your mental issues?
It would be better off without you.
You're getting old. This might be your last chance.
The baby's father, G, has a great support network set up--much better than yours.
You've never been one to do things the traditional way.
Don't let the child feel abandoned and unloved for the rest of its life.
You'll regret giving it up.
You'll regret keeping it.
You're being selfless.
You're being selfish.
You're being stupid.
You have people around you who will help.
What if J decides he doesn't love me anymore and I'm left alone?
Your life will never be the same.
What if you can't do this?
Whatever happens, this is all in God's plan for you.
At the end of the day, it's just me and the dogs.
How are YOU going to take care of a baby?
The thoughts go back and forth. Some are mine; some are comments/advice from friends and acquaintances.
I told many people that G would not want to be a father because he told me he couldn't have kids, so I assumed when I got pregnant that it was because it was a line. From the moment I told him, he's been very excited. He said he didn't think he could have kids because he had been trying with a few girlfriends. Within 5 days, he told me if I didn't want to raise BG at all, he's been best friends with a Huntsville girl for 11 years, and she is willing to marry him and help raise BG. They told their families, who were very supportive. (I was slightly jealous) He has a house set up in a nice part of the area. His family would be 20 minutes away. BG would go to preschool, private school, and be well taken care of. If I want to share custody, he would stay in Nashville to be involved in the day-to-day and would switch shifts around so he would be available to care for BG while I work and then I would take over in the evenings while he works.
The decision changed from "Do I have to give up BG?" to "Do I want to give up BG?" The good thing is my decision is between good and good. There's really not a bad option here.
J has said he won't have any issue with helping to raise another man's child, and he has been so supportive, albeit annoyingly not forthcoming with his opinion.The hard part is while we are good now, I still consider us in the beginning stages of our relationship. I have no long-term claim on him at this point, and while I couldn't completely factor him into my decision, in all fairness, I couldn't rule him out. In some ways, the decision would have been easier were we not together.
All that to say....I'm going to give the baby thing a try.
Whew! There I said it. Am I terrified? Yes, yes, I am. Am I stubborn? Yes, yes, I am.
Thankfully, I've had a super easy pregnancy so far, although I'm slightly nervous that something will happen in the last 3 months. I'm dreading the labor and delivery portion, and I don't even have an inkling of an idea about how to create a birth plan. I STILL have no idea of the gender because trying to get an appointment set up--insurance, work schedule, and transferring to a different ob-gyn--has proven frustrating.
All I can ask for at this point are prayers. I have no idea how I'm going to make this work, and we all know I LOVE being pushed out of my comfort zone.
I do however crave adventures, and this seems like somewhat of a big one.
========================================================
Piece by Piece - Kelly Clarkson
Deep breaths. Inhale. Exhale.
Are you crazy?
Who ever said I made a decision based on logic and smarts?
You've always been a sink-or-swim situation kind of person.
But, it's not a short-term decision. It has an 18+-year sentence.
What if you pass on your mental issues?
It would be better off without you.
You're getting old. This might be your last chance.
The baby's father, G, has a great support network set up--much better than yours.
You've never been one to do things the traditional way.
Don't let the child feel abandoned and unloved for the rest of its life.
You'll regret giving it up.
You'll regret keeping it.
You're being selfless.
You're being selfish.
You're being stupid.
You have people around you who will help.
What if J decides he doesn't love me anymore and I'm left alone?
Your life will never be the same.
What if you can't do this?
Whatever happens, this is all in God's plan for you.
At the end of the day, it's just me and the dogs.
How are YOU going to take care of a baby?
The thoughts go back and forth. Some are mine; some are comments/advice from friends and acquaintances.
I told many people that G would not want to be a father because he told me he couldn't have kids, so I assumed when I got pregnant that it was because it was a line. From the moment I told him, he's been very excited. He said he didn't think he could have kids because he had been trying with a few girlfriends. Within 5 days, he told me if I didn't want to raise BG at all, he's been best friends with a Huntsville girl for 11 years, and she is willing to marry him and help raise BG. They told their families, who were very supportive. (I was slightly jealous) He has a house set up in a nice part of the area. His family would be 20 minutes away. BG would go to preschool, private school, and be well taken care of. If I want to share custody, he would stay in Nashville to be involved in the day-to-day and would switch shifts around so he would be available to care for BG while I work and then I would take over in the evenings while he works.
The decision changed from "Do I have to give up BG?" to "Do I want to give up BG?" The good thing is my decision is between good and good. There's really not a bad option here.
J has said he won't have any issue with helping to raise another man's child, and he has been so supportive, albeit annoyingly not forthcoming with his opinion.The hard part is while we are good now, I still consider us in the beginning stages of our relationship. I have no long-term claim on him at this point, and while I couldn't completely factor him into my decision, in all fairness, I couldn't rule him out. In some ways, the decision would have been easier were we not together.
All that to say....I'm going to give the baby thing a try.
Whew! There I said it. Am I terrified? Yes, yes, I am. Am I stubborn? Yes, yes, I am.
Thankfully, I've had a super easy pregnancy so far, although I'm slightly nervous that something will happen in the last 3 months. I'm dreading the labor and delivery portion, and I don't even have an inkling of an idea about how to create a birth plan. I STILL have no idea of the gender because trying to get an appointment set up--insurance, work schedule, and transferring to a different ob-gyn--has proven frustrating.
All I can ask for at this point are prayers. I have no idea how I'm going to make this work, and we all know I LOVE being pushed out of my comfort zone.
I do however crave adventures, and this seems like somewhat of a big one.
========================================================
Piece by Piece - Kelly Clarkson
And all I remember is your back
Walking towards the airport, leaving us all in your past
I traveled fifteen hundred miles to see you
I begged you to want me, but you didn’t want to
Walking towards the airport, leaving us all in your past
I traveled fifteen hundred miles to see you
I begged you to want me, but you didn’t want to
But piece by piece, he collected me up
Off the ground, where you abandoned things
Piece by piece he filled the holes that you burned in me
Six years old and you know
He never walks away
He never asks for money
He takes care of me
He loves me
Piece by piece, he restores my faith
That a man can be kind and the father could, stay
Off the ground, where you abandoned things
Piece by piece he filled the holes that you burned in me
Six years old and you know
He never walks away
He never asks for money
He takes care of me
He loves me
Piece by piece, he restores my faith
That a man can be kind and the father could, stay
And all of your words fall flat
I made something of myself and now you wanna come back
But your love, it isn’t free, it has to be earned
Back then I didn’t have anything you needed so I was worthless
I made something of myself and now you wanna come back
But your love, it isn’t free, it has to be earned
Back then I didn’t have anything you needed so I was worthless
But piece by piece, he collected me up
Off the ground, where you abandoned things
Piece by piece he filled the holes that you burned in me
Six years old and you know
He never walks away
He never asks for money
He takes care of me
'Cause he loves me
Piece by piece, he restored my faith
That a man can be kind and a father could, stay
Off the ground, where you abandoned things
Piece by piece he filled the holes that you burned in me
Six years old and you know
He never walks away
He never asks for money
He takes care of me
'Cause he loves me
Piece by piece, he restored my faith
That a man can be kind and a father could, stay
Tears in my eyes! Still praying for you. I have an ear should you ever want to make use of it.
ReplyDeleteAs long as you are confident in your decision, what other people say doesn't matter. I'm always here for you with open arms, for anything.
ReplyDelete