Love is Not Enough

Despite what certain people say, love is not all you need.

2016 was a year of many firsts: I was responsible for helping plan social events for a bunch of people that don't usually want to be around too many people, I had my first peer-to-peer review, my first rebound relationship, and another first that became more obvious this year. It was the first time I had a couple different guys pursuing me, the first time I said I love you to my first boyfriend, the first time I had to consider a relationship longer than a few dates, the first time to think about meeting families, and I went through my first breakup.

It was the first time I had to consider someone's feelings on a daily, intimate level. It was the first time I had someone that cared enough to push past my walls. It was the first time I tried to let someone take care of me. (Yes, I said TRIED.) I loved him and he loved me, but it wasn't enough. He couldn't love me past my fears of intimacy and trust issues. I couldn't love him enough to make him feel valued or secure. He couldn't love me enough to get past our differences on religion. I couldn't love him enough for him to not resent me for my faith. He couldn't love me enough to fix my finances. I couldn't love him enough to eliminate his anger issues. He couldn't love me enough for me to know how to communicate my thoughts and feelings with him without lashing out.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying love isn't needed, but it should be the minimum. Yes, you need love, but you also need faith, trust, commitment, patience, communication, compassion, honesty, kindness, emotional support, romance, intimacy, vulnerability, and acceptance. Love can be passive. You can say you love God. Great. Now what? Unless love is in the active tense, it's essentially useless. Love must be active to be effective. Love is the first step. Where does it take you after that?

Love isn't enough to make you a good mother. I love BG, but I'm not able to provide the resources or the situation he needs to be set up the best in life. I've decided to give BG up for adoption officially. Does this mean I don't love him enough? Of course not.

I'm angry. I'm angry at BG's dad for bailing and being exactly who I thought he was. I'm angry at BG for interrupting my life. I'm angry at myself for lowering my standards and making a stupid choice and putting us in this position. I'm angry at everyone who tells me what I should do and feel. I'm angry at D for bailing when it got tough. I'm angry at J for not knowing what I need even though I don't tell him. I'm angry at the system which makes it difficult to get back on your feet. I'm angry because I'm not where I thought I would be at this point in my life. I'm angry because reality doesn't match the expectations.

But, I still love BG. It kills me that my issues and struggles could be passed on to him, not genetically as some might suggest, but because I would treat him differently. Am I meant to be more than a doggie mom? I'm not sure at this point. Maybe I'm more in love with the idea of being a Mom but don't want to deal with the gritty day-to-day.

Yes, I love him. But it isn't enough.
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Love is Not Enough

The more that we take
The paler we get
I can't remember what it is
We tried to forget

The tile on the floor
So cold it can sting
In your eyes is a place
Worth remembering

Do you wake up and taste this
And smash it apart
I've gone all this fucking way
To wind up back at the start

Hey the closer we think we are
Well it only got us so far
Have you got anything left to show
No no I didn't think so

Hey the sooner we realize
We cover ourselves with lies
Well Underneath we're not so tough
Oh love is not enough

Well it hides in the dark
Like the weaker and vain
We didn't give it a mouth
So it cannot complain

We never really had a chance
We never really make it through
And to think I believed
I believed I could get better with you

Hey the closer we think we are
Well it only got us so far
Have you got anything left to show
No no I didn't think so

Hey the sooner we realize
We cover ourselves with lies
Well Underneath we're not so tough
Oh love is not enough

My Drug

Music is my prayer. Music is my pronouncement of sentiments.

On Friday, I worried that I wasn't praying to God enough. I do pray. I allow myself to cry out in the lyrics of songs that describe the overwhelming myriad of thoughts and emotions. Songs have always given me the ability to pore out my frustrations, joys, heartaches, and determination in ways that mere words cannot do. I have many favorite songs depending on my current emotional state.

Outside of this blog, I am a very private person, and I have to remind myself to intentionally engage with others even in intimate relationships. Sometimes, it's a protective coping skill and sometimes, it's because I genuinely don't think people will find me interesting. I don't initiate conversations with others and usually, when I'm out in public, I have a resting b!+(h face. Before you ask, yes, this is also a defensive coping mechanism.

Even at work, I spend more time reading than I do talking to coworkers. The ironic thing is that I've had people complain that I talk too much, although had they told me instead of complaining about it with another coworker in a chat conversation, I would have stopped bothering them. So now, in an effort not to be that annoying chatty person that forces herself into unwanted conversations, I've overcorrected and don't talk to anyone unless they try to talk with me first. This makes for a lonely work day, since I come across as bristly so people leave me alone, although I want to be sociable but feel hesitant to talk to them first. It's much like walking a tightrope.

The wonderful thing about music is that you're never too old or young, too rich or poor, too uneducated or intelligent, or charismatic or awkward to find connections with others.  Music is healing, and of course, there are multiple studies that show the effect of music in multiple areas of the brain.

Occasionally, I use a dramatic movie or TV show as my tool for catharsis, but most likely, I'll play some music and allow myself for a few brief moments to feel before I tamper down my human side. (Also, I NEED movies to have happy endings!) Music allows you to inject your own slant to what the words mean, no matter the intention or personal experience of the songwriter.  Although the details of life are unique, human experiences are generally universal. While someone in Zambia may not understand the particulars of my childhood, he will be able to understand the hurts and pleasures experienced.

Even if the song in question seems to be a secular one, it fills in the gaps and helps to balance out the ups and downs of life. They can be as smooth as the Black Hills of South Dakota or they can be as turbulent as the Grand Tetons. While I do enjoy the dopamine from happy songs, periodically, I need the release that angry songs initiates.

Music minimizes rejection. Music soothes heartbreak. Music intensifies happiness. Music honors love, no matter the form. Music strengthens faith and trust.
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Trust in You

Letting go of every single dream
I lay each one down at Your feet
Every moment of my wandering
Never changes what You see
I try to win this war
I confess, my hands are weary, I need Your rest
Mighty warrior, king of the fight
No matter what I face You're by my side

When You don't move the mountains
I'm needing You to move
When You don't part the waters
I wish I could walk through
When You don't give the answers
As I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You

Truth is, You know what tomorrow brings
There's not a day ahead You have not seen
So let all things be my life and breath
I want what You want Lord and nothing less

When You don't move the mountains
I'm needing You to move
When You don't part the waters
I wish I could walk through
When You don't give the answers
As I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You
I will trust in You

You are my strength and comfort
You are my steady hand
You are my firm foudation
The rock on which I stand
Your ways are always higher
Your plans are always good
There's not a place where I'll go
You've not already stood

When You don't move the mountains
I'm needing You to move
When You don't part the waters
I wish I could walk through
When You don't give the answers
As I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You
I will trust in You
I will trust in You
I will trust in You