Despite what certain people say, love is not all you need.
2016 was a year of many firsts: I was responsible for helping plan social events for a bunch of people that don't usually want to be around too many people, I had my first peer-to-peer review, my first rebound relationship, and another first that became more obvious this year. It was the first time I had a couple different guys pursuing me, the first time I said I love you to my first boyfriend, the first time I had to consider a relationship longer than a few dates, the first time to think about meeting families, and I went through my first breakup.
It was the first time I had to consider someone's feelings on a daily, intimate level. It was the first time I had someone that cared enough to push past my walls. It was the first time I tried to let someone take care of me. (Yes, I said TRIED.) I loved him and he loved me, but it wasn't enough. He couldn't love me past my fears of intimacy and trust issues. I couldn't love him enough to make him feel valued or secure. He couldn't love me enough to get past our differences on religion. I couldn't love him enough for him to not resent me for my faith. He couldn't love me enough to fix my finances. I couldn't love him enough to eliminate his anger issues. He couldn't love me enough for me to know how to communicate my thoughts and feelings with him without lashing out.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying love isn't needed, but it should be the minimum. Yes, you need love, but you also need faith, trust, commitment, patience, communication, compassion, honesty, kindness, emotional support, romance, intimacy, vulnerability, and acceptance. Love can be passive. You can say you love God. Great. Now what? Unless love is in the active tense, it's essentially useless. Love must be active to be effective. Love is the first step. Where does it take you after that?
Love isn't enough to make you a good mother. I love BG, but I'm not able to provide the resources or the situation he needs to be set up the best in life. I've decided to give BG up for adoption officially. Does this mean I don't love him enough? Of course not.
I'm angry. I'm angry at BG's dad for bailing and being exactly who I thought he was. I'm angry at BG for interrupting my life. I'm angry at myself for lowering my standards and making a stupid choice and putting us in this position. I'm angry at everyone who tells me what I should do and feel. I'm angry at D for bailing when it got tough. I'm angry at J for not knowing what I need even though I don't tell him. I'm angry at the system which makes it difficult to get back on your feet. I'm angry because I'm not where I thought I would be at this point in my life. I'm angry because reality doesn't match the expectations.
But, I still love BG. It kills me that my issues and struggles could be passed on to him, not genetically as some might suggest, but because I would treat him differently. Am I meant to be more than a doggie mom? I'm not sure at this point. Maybe I'm more in love with the idea of being a Mom but don't want to deal with the gritty day-to-day.
Yes, I love him. But it isn't enough.
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Love is Not Enough
2016 was a year of many firsts: I was responsible for helping plan social events for a bunch of people that don't usually want to be around too many people, I had my first peer-to-peer review, my first rebound relationship, and another first that became more obvious this year. It was the first time I had a couple different guys pursuing me, the first time I said I love you to my first boyfriend, the first time I had to consider a relationship longer than a few dates, the first time to think about meeting families, and I went through my first breakup.
It was the first time I had to consider someone's feelings on a daily, intimate level. It was the first time I had someone that cared enough to push past my walls. It was the first time I tried to let someone take care of me. (Yes, I said TRIED.) I loved him and he loved me, but it wasn't enough. He couldn't love me past my fears of intimacy and trust issues. I couldn't love him enough to make him feel valued or secure. He couldn't love me enough to get past our differences on religion. I couldn't love him enough for him to not resent me for my faith. He couldn't love me enough to fix my finances. I couldn't love him enough to eliminate his anger issues. He couldn't love me enough for me to know how to communicate my thoughts and feelings with him without lashing out.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying love isn't needed, but it should be the minimum. Yes, you need love, but you also need faith, trust, commitment, patience, communication, compassion, honesty, kindness, emotional support, romance, intimacy, vulnerability, and acceptance. Love can be passive. You can say you love God. Great. Now what? Unless love is in the active tense, it's essentially useless. Love must be active to be effective. Love is the first step. Where does it take you after that?
Love isn't enough to make you a good mother. I love BG, but I'm not able to provide the resources or the situation he needs to be set up the best in life. I've decided to give BG up for adoption officially. Does this mean I don't love him enough? Of course not.
I'm angry. I'm angry at BG's dad for bailing and being exactly who I thought he was. I'm angry at BG for interrupting my life. I'm angry at myself for lowering my standards and making a stupid choice and putting us in this position. I'm angry at everyone who tells me what I should do and feel. I'm angry at D for bailing when it got tough. I'm angry at J for not knowing what I need even though I don't tell him. I'm angry at the system which makes it difficult to get back on your feet. I'm angry because I'm not where I thought I would be at this point in my life. I'm angry because reality doesn't match the expectations.
But, I still love BG. It kills me that my issues and struggles could be passed on to him, not genetically as some might suggest, but because I would treat him differently. Am I meant to be more than a doggie mom? I'm not sure at this point. Maybe I'm more in love with the idea of being a Mom but don't want to deal with the gritty day-to-day.
Yes, I love him. But it isn't enough.
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Love is Not Enough
The more that we take
The paler we get
I can't remember what it is
We tried to forget
The paler we get
I can't remember what it is
We tried to forget
The tile on the floor
So cold it can sting
In your eyes is a place
Worth remembering
So cold it can sting
In your eyes is a place
Worth remembering
Do you wake up and taste this
And smash it apart
I've gone all this fucking way
To wind up back at the start
And smash it apart
I've gone all this fucking way
To wind up back at the start
Hey the closer we think we are
Well it only got us so far
Have you got anything left to show
No no I didn't think so
Well it only got us so far
Have you got anything left to show
No no I didn't think so
Hey the sooner we realize
We cover ourselves with lies
Well Underneath we're not so tough
Oh love is not enough
We cover ourselves with lies
Well Underneath we're not so tough
Oh love is not enough
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