The Crux

My work team completed a core values exercise based on Brené Brown's Dare to Lead(Group word cloud above). I circled anything that resonated with me and then narrowed it down to my top 5. I didn't discover anything surprising, but I'm abnormally introspective, which manifests in being self-aware. I may or may not have overanalyzed more than what was expected. 😏 I've expanded and expounded slightly from that assignment.

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Growing up in an environment that emphasized status and accomplishments, words were sometimes just that. Was it considered life-changing or better than what they’d already done? If not, then they did not feel impressed. It made me determined to make sure that people feel valued merely because they are a human being—not because of a title or achievements. In no way does this mean I am a fan of participation awards or coddling people. In addition, I am very intentional with what I promise someone. I’ve had clients and customers who initially were upset I wouldn’t make them a promise that I wasn’t sure I could deliver. I’m a big fan of under-promise and overdeliver as more than just business jargon.

Integrity was the first word that came to mind even before I looked at the options. I consider it vital because the principle drives me when no one else is around and determines my treatment of others when I have no benefit. In addition, integrity is a factor in feeling safe because I can trust the person to be authentic and work towards the benefit of the team. My word is my bond, and when I feel pressured, while ethics can be swayed, integrity is a quality that is internal and a personal choice.

Faith in God is not a requirement to have integrity, but having faith makes it easier in some ways. All the world's great religions praise integrity as a principle spiritual value. I have a grounding pole when things are turbulent and that reminds me why I still have faith in God and humanity when humanity has disappointed me. Integrity is paramount to God and it is impressed upon throughout the Bible from Psalms and Proverbs all the way through to Revelations.

My lifelong goal remains to make sure people never feel shame for who they are and that they feel an appreciated member of the group. Inclusion and compassion are the biggest drivers of this goal. I never want people to feel worse about themselves after they interact with me. Understanding that people have different struggles they are facing or have surmounted sets up an environment of acceptance and safety. Compassion also does not necessarily mean accommodations or a “bah, humbug” mentality, but rather, it’s more aligned with grace and empathy.

In geology, inclusion means that, although the particle is embedded, it is still distinct from the surrounding area. If someone feels safe, he feels freer to express himself and take risks because he feels like part of a family that will accept him for his true self. It does NOT mean he loses his identity to the group. In reality, I hesitate to go somewhere I don't feel completely sure that I'm wanted. It's difficult as a socializer to have that kind of handicap. I struggle inviting people to my house because, well, if you'd seen my house, you'd understand. It's easier to be kinder to others than myself. (Side note: I am accepting any and all social invites that don't collide with any other commitments.)

Contentment is significant because it requires an internal dialogue of gratitude and positivity. This state of being doesn’t mean I am settling with my career or life situation but that I focus on being satisfied with happiness as an outlook and not as a goal to achieve someday or think “I will be happy when I___”.

Humor is the cherry on top of the ice cream sundae. Humor looks at things in a different light. It means bringing joy to things that can sometimes be uncomfortable and sets others at ease. It is both a way of coping and a form of entertainment.

I spend much of my time volunteering at church and in my community. I would like to spend this next year with even more time spent with hands-on volunteering because it keeps me grounded, makes a difference, and allows me to help others as I can. I could be better at practicing gratitude with what I have, although this time of year helps remind me.

I enjoy engaging people online in debates and sometimes controversial discussions. It provides a good training ground for not jumping to conclusions, asking clarifying questions, and making sure to walk away if I feel tempted to provide an emotional response in the heat of the moment. Despite the successes, I still struggle to remain positive, especially on topics where it can be challenging to find the silver lining.

I intentionally surround myself with people that have similar goals. My boyfriend’s character is very much like mine. We see eye-to-eye on many things, and part of the reason I love him is that we share the integrity, compassion, and humor values. When I have friends that cause friction, I am polite but firm in my response. Some people consider me meek, but that's generally just until I get more comfortable with them or I'm in my comfort zone. At that point, there are other words I've been called.

I have friends across spectrums in many different regards because I find value in different parts of their characteristics. My weakest point would still be my family just because we have so much history and because of the dynamic of the relationships, but I think they still support my values overall, although the methods might be called into question.

I have also become more comfortable in staying firm in the mounting pressure of mainstream society’s expectations regarding what defines success vs. what I consider important. I attribute part of this to more global interactions and exposure to a widening variety of people. I evaluate companies as viable workplaces based on the employee culture and whether they legitimately invest in their employees and treat them like a healthy family.

All my values are internal because the inward drive the outward. If you feel content, you have security. If you are inclusive and compassionate, you exude generosity. If you have humor, you endue fun and optimism.  If you have integrity, you act with ethics, you embrace teamwork, and you strive for excellence to deliver results. Everybody wins.

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Most People Are Good

I believe kids oughta stay kids as long as they can
Turn off the screen, go climb a tree, get dirt on their hands
I believe we gotta forgive and make amends
'Cause nobody gets a second chance to make new old friends
I believe in working hard for what you've got
Even if it don't add up to a hell of a lot

I believe most people are good
And most mamas oughta qualify for sainthood
I believe most Friday nights look better under neon or stadium lights
I believe you love who you love
Ain't nothing you should ever be ashamed of
I believe this world ain't half as bad as it looks
I believe most people are good

I believe them streets of gold are worth the work
But I still wanna go even if they were paved in dirt
I believe that youth is spent well on the young
'Cause wisdom in your teens would be a lot less fun
I believe if you just go by the nightly news
Your faith in all mankind would be the first thing you lose

I believe most people are good
And most mamas oughta qualify for sainthood
I believe most Friday nights look better under neon or stadium lights
I believe you love who you love
Ain't nothing you should ever be ashamed of
I believe this world ain't half as bad as it looks
I believe most people are good

I believe that days go slow and years go fast
And every breath's a gift, the first one to the last

I believe most people are good
And most mamas oughta qualify for sainthood
I believe most Friday nights look better under neon or stadium lights
I believe you love who you love
Ain't nothing you should ever be ashamed of
I believe this world ain't half as bad as it looks
I believe most people are good

I believe most people are good
I believe most people are good

Heartless Expectations

What connects us?

The small introverted part of me loves the safety of online communication, and I spend hours in debates and commenting on posts and learning about different topics and people; however, although I'm not exceptionally skilled at it, my favorite medium is face-to-face interactions. Even FaceTime and Skype cannot replicate the energy between two people, whether disagreeing or not. I make many of my decisions about people based on my gut reactions to them in person. Despite what some people will tell you, it is very easy for me to make snap judgments and conclusions, especially online.

Emotions rise easily, and when you don't see the other person's face, you don't get a sense of the natural interplay of in-person interactions. You don't see the tear that runs down someone's face when you make a callous remark, you don't recognize the internal thoughts going through his head when you insult him, and you don't understand her emotions when you debate a topic as basic as the best flavor of cheesecake(key lime). You don't see the consequences of your word choice.

In an age when you can contact the majority of the developed world 24 hours a day, are we really any more connected than before? What determines connection? Nationalism? Human experience? Social standing? Education? Humanity? What do we do when we are connected but don't feel a connection?

We often talk about the human experience being universal. Does that mean if I have not been through your specific experience, I cannot understand? Of course not. I may not be able to understand the particulars, but at a basic level, I can understand the emotions of anger, love, worry, happiness, etc. Does this mean I have more in common with someone halfway across the world than with someone down the street from me? Maybe yes, maybe no.

Even within my own demographic, I am a member of multiple Venn diagrams. How specific and how intricate do we create the parameters that determine connection? If some recent news and posts are to be believed, I should side with my gender over all other statuses; for others, I should choose my religion over all else. Or should it be based on something different altogether?

Between a child and an adult, the same event will provide you with 2 varying eyewitness accounts. For a man and a women, a simple walk down the street elicits different emotional and physical responses. Race has been a highlighted attribute as of late. How I am treated by police and retail shops is not the same as someone with darker skin.

So, how do we find a connection when we are all various mixtures of personalities, thoughts, and experiences? Why is it so challenging to accept that someone else's feelings are valid and should be acknowledged before being addressed? Why are we so quick to assume that someone is acting selfishly? Our thoughts are colored by our life experience and worldview and assumed impression of the other person, whether accurate or false.

Much of it comes down to intention. If I believe that you are attacking me or not acting in my best interest, my interpretation will be far different than if I think you are coming from a place of love.  If you make a comment about something personal to me, my blood pressure will rise and my fingers will start typing 85 WPM to make sure you hear my reaction to your perceived slight. If I instead challenge myself to ask more questions or if I consider you to be ignorant and unaware, my tone will be much different. There's always talk about mindset in the therapy/self-improvement world. Positive vs. negative thoughts, growth vs. fixed mindsets, etc., and it's all valid discussion.

In the Orthodox Church, when we struggle in forgiving someone, we are advised to pray for that person. It's not for the other person, although we do wish them blessings. At first, I don't mean it. In fact, I act more like a two-year-old toddler in a sulk. I don't like them; why should I want the best for them? It clearly shows that prayer is not for God; it's for us.

When you have faith in the larger picture, it's easier to ride out the short-term stresses. Notice I didn't say they were gone. It confuses me some people think that when you become Christian or have a deeper faith, things become instantaneously easier. In no way have I achieved any kind of theosis or inner peace. I struggle periodically with depression, daily with feelings of inadequacy, and always with selfishness and pride. Thank God there's such a thing as grace. Connection to God is paramount in times when people let you down, when they attack you, and when they act (dare I say?) HUMAN. It keeps me grounded on days when all else fails and reminds me to think outside my egocentric assumptions and consider different viewpoints and try to see someone's heart.
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Human

I can hold my breath
I can bite my tongue
I can stay awake for days
If that's what you want
Be your number one
I can fake a smile
I can force a laugh
I can dance and play the part
If that's what you ask
Give you all I am

I can do it
I can do it
I can do it

But I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
Cause I'm only human

I can turn it on
Be a good machine
I can hold the weight of worlds
If that's what you need
Be your everything

I can do it
I can do it
I'll get through it

But I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
Cause I'm only human

I'm only human
I'm only human
Just a little human

I can take so much
'Til I've had enough

Cause I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
Cause I'm only human

Allegations

The past few weeks have been rough. I know people talk about triggers so often these days, it's become a joke. On the surface, I haven't had any side effects from all the assault and rape cases covered in the media in such detail. I'm not having flashbacks, and I'm still able to function on a daily basis.

Below the surface is a different story: I've fallen into a mild depression, I am experiencing anxiety, and I am having trouble processing the emotions and thoughts that have manifested. While my abuse hasn't had as large an impact on my romantic relationship as I thought, I assumed I had dealt with it much better than it appears I have. Issues with child abuse and sexual crimes are still sensitive areas and can bring up emotional reactions, even in otherwise calm discussions with my boyfriend.

I'm glad my abuser is dead.

If he were alive today, where would I be? Would I have to decide if I wanted to prosecute him? Would I still be in denial about what happened?  Would I be emotionally stunted? Would I have to sit in a courtroom as every decision I made was torn apart and intent decided? Would my memories be questioned? Would I be attacked for daring to suggest that someone with a shiny public reputation could behave in such a way? Would people insinuate that I was complicit in my own abuse despite being a child when it began? Would I be weighed and found wanting?

I'm glad my abuser is dead.

Maybe that makes me a coward. I don't have to go through any public ridicule and judgment, but I also don't get to ask the question most assault survivors want to know: "WHY?" I don't get closure and satisfaction of justice.

As I watch Dr. Ford share her account of the event she partially remembers, I admire her strength and composure, even at the personal cost of such a decision. Being in such a public forum exacerbates any pressure and anxiety a thousandfold, even from the already heightened environment of a private courtroom. Reading the comments from the tens of thousands of strangers that have opinions on experiences they were not part of has been frustrating and deplorable. How do you explain without sounding crazy that someone whom you never met is impacting your life?

I'm glad my abuser is dead.

I don't have to worry about interacting with him, I don't have to worry about people upset that I dare malign his character, and I don't have to worry about reporting him to prevent future abuse on other people. I don't have to worry about the victim shaming, even in questions that are slanted. Even within the abuse and assault community, everyone has speculations about how it should be reported, when it should be reported, and when it's serious enough to be reported.  I don't have to worry if people think I'm believed just because I'm a woman or because of personal interests.

I'm glad my abuser is dead.

I can proceed with life as it was. I can keep my personal secrets secret. I can minimize the repercussions of his behavior. I can deal with the impact on a daily basis. I can process through my life within my selected social circle. I don't have to deal with him.

I'm glad my abuser is dead.
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Til It Happens to You

You tell me it gets better, it gets better in time
You say I'll pull myself together, pull it together
You'll be fine
Tell me what the hell do you know? What do you know?
Tell me how the hell could you know? How could you know?

Till it happens to you, you don't know how it feels
How it feels
Till it happens to you, you won't know
It won't be real
No, it won't be real
Won't know how it feels

You tell me hold your head up
Hold your head up and be strong
'Cause when you fall, you gotta get up
You gotta get up and move on

Tell me, how the hell could you talk?
How could you talk?
'Cause until you walk where I walk
It's just all talk

Till it happens to you, you don't know how it feels
How it feels
Till it happens to you, you won't know
It won't be real (how could you know?)
No, it won't be real (how could you know?)
Won't know how I feel

Till your world burns and crashes
Till you're at the end, the end of your rope
Till you're standing in my shoes, I don't wanna hear nothing from you
From you, from you, 'cause you don't know

Till it happens to you, you don't know how I feel
How I feel, how I feel
Till it happens to you, you won't know
It won't be real (how could you know?)
No, it won't be real (how could you know?)
Won't know how it feels

Till it happens to you, happens to you, happens to you
Happens to you, happens to you, happens to you (how could you know?)

Till it happens to you, you won't know how I feel

Value vs. Cost

You wouldn't believe me if I told you how many times I have written and rewritten about this topic, especially in my head. I have so many thoughts, opinions, questions, and concerns to share, but shockingly, I am finding it difficult to express what I mean while saying everything I mean in the way that I mean. Even with all that thinking, this post still only scratches the surface.

A common thread throughout the past year and a half has been about value. On an intrinsic level, without having to have anything to contribute to the family, workforce or the world, how is a value determined? One of the most damaging things someone can hear in his or her life is "You have been weighed; you have been measured, and you have been found wanting."

People should never feel like they have no value. I'm not talking about participation trophies or trite "That was great" statements. I'm talking about value as a being, as themselves, personality and charisma aside. It begins early. How you treat your child will manifest the repercussions throughout the rest of his or her lifetime. EVERY human being has a value.

It's easy to talk about empathy. It's such a trendy word. Businesses want their customer service to make you feel like they understand your situation. "Put yourself in their shoes" is a common theme in corporate training. "Engage with the customer." What then? If it's artificial, it comes across as condescending and insincere.

When the goal is to create value, it naturally produces empathy. After all, when you realize someone's value, you DO empathize with them - not necessarily about their specific situation but about their experience and emotions as a fellow human. When you value someone, even at the most basic level of concern, you don't want to cause them any unnecessary pain. Each person will value someone differently than their neighbor would, sometimes in relation to how the other person benefits them and sometimes in relation to nothing at all.

I struggle with feeling valued every day. Growing up, it was something to be earned, not given freely. I struggle with feeling like second-string in my family, my work, my church, my friends, and my life. I struggle with it so much that my 6-month goal was to make sure I didn't cause someone to not feel valued. I know I failed miserably, but even being aware of it made a drastic difference in my interactions, whether on social media or in real life.

One thing I've noticed since my little experiment has been the assumption of intention. Everyone is the hero and victim of their own life story. If someone is your perceived friend, you assume their intentions are good. If someone has assumedly wronged you(even a friend), you claim they are out to hurt you. Assumptions are a tricky thing, and we all know what happens when we assume.

Anger is an easy go-to, especially in our increasingly disconnected world. When you don't see the other person as a fellow life traveler, it's easier to be insulting, hurtful, and bullying. If you distract people with barbs thrown at them, they won't see your pain. If you can look past the anger and tone and address the issue, that's when the real healing and progress is made.

The other side of value is how much do you keep fighting for it, whether it be a relationship, a possession, or a philosophy you believe in? If something is at risk, what is the cost vs. benefit analysis and what is your criteria for determining it? Financially, emotionally, long-term vs. short-term? What is the balance of seeing something else's value while at the same time not losing yours?

In only two areas do I not question my value: God and dogs.

Dogs are easy. Unconditional love is so ingrained in their being that it takes an extraordinary amount of abuse and pain for them to hate their family. I'm definitely not the best dog mom, but my girls get so excited every day when I get home, I'm amazed at the size of the pedestal on which I've been placed. I can never measure up to that, but they don't expect me to. Whatever I do for them is perfect because it comes from me.

God is the same for me. Even in the darkest of moments in 2017 and 2018, while I railed against God and tried to push through the depression, I never felt like He valued me any less. The judgment and shame I felt were of my own mind and that of other humans. He created me; why wouldn't He value me? There's a sense of freedom in that knowledge. No matter how often people fail me, I can accept their unintentional slights because I know they're flawed, but that isn't the whole story. God created people with a mere token of His capacity for love, and these days, with all the hurting in this world,  everyone appears to be the "least of these". People that are the most battered are the best at seeing value in others because they know the pain not having it causes. Everyone should feel valued and it's up to us to help people see it in themselves when they have lost their way.

You have not been weighed; you have not been measured, and you have been found valuable because you are.

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High Tide or Low Tide

In high seas or in low seas
I'm gonna be your friend
I'm gonna be your friend
In high seas or in low seas
I'll be by your side
I'll be by your side

I heard her praying, praying, praying
I said I heard my mother
She was praying (praying, praying, praying) yeah, and I
And the words that she said (the words that she said)
They still-a lingers in my head (lingers in my head)
She said "a child is born in this world
He needs protection." Wo-ohGod guide and protect us

When we're wrong, please correct us (when we're wrong, correct us)
And stand by me

In high seas or in low seas
I'm gonna be your friend
He said, "I'm gonna be your friend"
And, baby, high tide or in low tide
I'll be by your side
I'll be by your side

I said I heard my mother
She was cryin' (I heard her cryin'), yeah! (Cryin', cryin')
And the tears that she shed (the tears that she shed)
They still linger in my head (lingers in my head)
She said "a child is born in this world
He needs protection"

God, guide and protect us
When we're wrong (when we're wrong), please correct us. (O-oh)
And in high seas or in low seas
I'm gonna be your friend
I'm gonna be your friend
Said, in high tide or in low tide
I'll be by your side
I'll be by your side

High seas, in low seas
I'm gonna be your friend
I'm gonna be your friend
High tide or in low tide
I'll be by your side
I'll be by your side

A Letter of Thanks and an Apology

Dear J, Friends, Family, Acquaintances, and Random Strangers,

Thank you.

As cliché as it sounds, it really does take you falling on your face for you to realize who truly cares about your well-being, even when it doesn't fit into a pretty package. Although social media is maligned for distancing people, it is easy to see who supported me, despite not supporting my situation with A.

People who haven't talked to me in years sent words of encouragement, prayers, and gifts. People who claimed to admire me and care about what happened in my life went radio-silent and ghosted. At times when I was despairing, I often got encouragement from people who didn't even know me or who I knew vaguely through other people. I was in so many prayer circles, J and I joked that I was in a prayer n-sphere.

I know you shouldn't base your self-esteem on social media, but when insecurity strikes his head, you read into every statement, reaction, non-comment. Don't be fooled - judgmental people are everywhere. Some are people who are supposed to be like family. It doesn't matter. When the chips are down, it feels like going through a wildfire, tornado, earthquake all mixed in one. When the dust settles, what's left are the people worth keeping.

I'm sorry I wasn't strong. I'm sorry I didn't care enough to sacrifice as much as I should have. I'm sorry my flaws and mistakes have been out there for people to see and critique. I'm sorry my life isn't going the way it "should" be. I'm sorry I regret my decision. I'm sorry I'm not enough.

This is the last apology and reference I'll make, though. I made the decision with the information and situation I had at the time. My life is my life - not yours. I'm horrible at being patient with people who let themselves get stuck. This especially applies to me. I won't talk about it anymore and if you ask me, I'll tell you I'm fine and change the subject. Time to pull myself up by my bootstraps and "Suck it up, buttercup."

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Nobody Can Save Me

I'm dancing with my demons
I'm hanging off the edge
Storm clouds gather beneath me
Waves break above my head
Headfirst hallucination

I wanna fall wide awake now
You tell me it's alright
Tell me I'm forgiven, tonight

But nobody can save me now
I'm holding up a light
I'm chasing out the darkness inside
'Cause nobody can save me

Stared into this illusion
For answers yet to come
I chose a false solution
But nobody proved me wrong
Headfirst hallucination

I wanna fall wide awake
Watch the ground giving way now
You tell me it's alright
Tell me I'm forgiven, tonight

But nobody can save me now
I'm holding up a light
I'm chasing out the darkness inside
'Cause nobody can save me

Been searching somewhere out there
For what's been missing right here (I wanna fall wide awake now)
I've been searching somewhere out there
For what's been missing right here (I wanna fall wide awake now)
I wanna fall wide awake now
So tell me it's alright
Tell me I'm forgiven, tonight

And only I can save me now
I'm holding up a light
Chasing out the darkness inside
And I don't wanna let you down
But only I can save me!

Been searching somewhere out there
For what's been missing right here