A Letter of Thanks and an Apology

Dear J, Friends, Family, Acquaintances, and Random Strangers,

Thank you.

As cliché as it sounds, it really does take you falling on your face for you to realize who truly cares about your well-being, even when it doesn't fit into a pretty package. Although social media is maligned for distancing people, it is easy to see who supported me, despite not supporting my situation with A.

People who haven't talked to me in years sent words of encouragement, prayers, and gifts. People who claimed to admire me and care about what happened in my life went radio-silent and ghosted. At times when I was despairing, I often got encouragement from people who didn't even know me or who I knew vaguely through other people. I was in so many prayer circles, J and I joked that I was in a prayer n-sphere.

I know you shouldn't base your self-esteem on social media, but when insecurity strikes his head, you read into every statement, reaction, non-comment. Don't be fooled - judgmental people are everywhere. Some are people who are supposed to be like family. It doesn't matter. When the chips are down, it feels like going through a wildfire, tornado, earthquake all mixed in one. When the dust settles, what's left are the people worth keeping.

I'm sorry I wasn't strong. I'm sorry I didn't care enough to sacrifice as much as I should have. I'm sorry my flaws and mistakes have been out there for people to see and critique. I'm sorry my life isn't going the way it "should" be. I'm sorry I regret my decision. I'm sorry I'm not enough.

This is the last apology and reference I'll make, though. I made the decision with the information and situation I had at the time. My life is my life - not yours. I'm horrible at being patient with people who let themselves get stuck. This especially applies to me. I won't talk about it anymore and if you ask me, I'll tell you I'm fine and change the subject. Time to pull myself up by my bootstraps and "Suck it up, buttercup."

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Nobody Can Save Me

I'm dancing with my demons
I'm hanging off the edge
Storm clouds gather beneath me
Waves break above my head
Headfirst hallucination

I wanna fall wide awake now
You tell me it's alright
Tell me I'm forgiven, tonight

But nobody can save me now
I'm holding up a light
I'm chasing out the darkness inside
'Cause nobody can save me

Stared into this illusion
For answers yet to come
I chose a false solution
But nobody proved me wrong
Headfirst hallucination

I wanna fall wide awake
Watch the ground giving way now
You tell me it's alright
Tell me I'm forgiven, tonight

But nobody can save me now
I'm holding up a light
I'm chasing out the darkness inside
'Cause nobody can save me

Been searching somewhere out there
For what's been missing right here (I wanna fall wide awake now)
I've been searching somewhere out there
For what's been missing right here (I wanna fall wide awake now)
I wanna fall wide awake now
So tell me it's alright
Tell me I'm forgiven, tonight

And only I can save me now
I'm holding up a light
Chasing out the darkness inside
And I don't wanna let you down
But only I can save me!

Been searching somewhere out there
For what's been missing right here