Love is Not Enough

Despite what certain people say, love is not all you need.

2016 was a year of many firsts: I was responsible for helping plan social events for a bunch of people that don't usually want to be around too many people, I had my first peer-to-peer review, my first rebound relationship, and another first that became more obvious this year. It was the first time I had a couple different guys pursuing me, the first time I said I love you to my first boyfriend, the first time I had to consider a relationship longer than a few dates, the first time to think about meeting families, and I went through my first breakup.

It was the first time I had to consider someone's feelings on a daily, intimate level. It was the first time I had someone that cared enough to push past my walls. It was the first time I tried to let someone take care of me. (Yes, I said TRIED.) I loved him and he loved me, but it wasn't enough. He couldn't love me past my fears of intimacy and trust issues. I couldn't love him enough to make him feel valued or secure. He couldn't love me enough to get past our differences on religion. I couldn't love him enough for him to not resent me for my faith. He couldn't love me enough to fix my finances. I couldn't love him enough to eliminate his anger issues. He couldn't love me enough for me to know how to communicate my thoughts and feelings with him without lashing out.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying love isn't needed, but it should be the minimum. Yes, you need love, but you also need faith, trust, commitment, patience, communication, compassion, honesty, kindness, emotional support, romance, intimacy, vulnerability, and acceptance. Love can be passive. You can say you love God. Great. Now what? Unless love is in the active tense, it's essentially useless. Love must be active to be effective. Love is the first step. Where does it take you after that?

Love isn't enough to make you a good mother. I love BG, but I'm not able to provide the resources or the situation he needs to be set up the best in life. I've decided to give BG up for adoption officially. Does this mean I don't love him enough? Of course not.

I'm angry. I'm angry at BG's dad for bailing and being exactly who I thought he was. I'm angry at BG for interrupting my life. I'm angry at myself for lowering my standards and making a stupid choice and putting us in this position. I'm angry at everyone who tells me what I should do and feel. I'm angry at D for bailing when it got tough. I'm angry at J for not knowing what I need even though I don't tell him. I'm angry at the system which makes it difficult to get back on your feet. I'm angry because I'm not where I thought I would be at this point in my life. I'm angry because reality doesn't match the expectations.

But, I still love BG. It kills me that my issues and struggles could be passed on to him, not genetically as some might suggest, but because I would treat him differently. Am I meant to be more than a doggie mom? I'm not sure at this point. Maybe I'm more in love with the idea of being a Mom but don't want to deal with the gritty day-to-day.

Yes, I love him. But it isn't enough.
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Love is Not Enough

The more that we take
The paler we get
I can't remember what it is
We tried to forget

The tile on the floor
So cold it can sting
In your eyes is a place
Worth remembering

Do you wake up and taste this
And smash it apart
I've gone all this fucking way
To wind up back at the start

Hey the closer we think we are
Well it only got us so far
Have you got anything left to show
No no I didn't think so

Hey the sooner we realize
We cover ourselves with lies
Well Underneath we're not so tough
Oh love is not enough

Well it hides in the dark
Like the weaker and vain
We didn't give it a mouth
So it cannot complain

We never really had a chance
We never really make it through
And to think I believed
I believed I could get better with you

Hey the closer we think we are
Well it only got us so far
Have you got anything left to show
No no I didn't think so

Hey the sooner we realize
We cover ourselves with lies
Well Underneath we're not so tough
Oh love is not enough

My Drug

Music is my prayer. Music is my pronouncement of sentiments.

On Friday, I worried that I wasn't praying to God enough. I do pray. I allow myself to cry out in the lyrics of songs that describe the overwhelming myriad of thoughts and emotions. Songs have always given me the ability to pore out my frustrations, joys, heartaches, and determination in ways that mere words cannot do. I have many favorite songs depending on my current emotional state.

Outside of this blog, I am a very private person, and I have to remind myself to intentionally engage with others even in intimate relationships. Sometimes, it's a protective coping skill and sometimes, it's because I genuinely don't think people will find me interesting. I don't initiate conversations with others and usually, when I'm out in public, I have a resting b!+(h face. Before you ask, yes, this is also a defensive coping mechanism.

Even at work, I spend more time reading than I do talking to coworkers. The ironic thing is that I've had people complain that I talk too much, although had they told me instead of complaining about it with another coworker in a chat conversation, I would have stopped bothering them. So now, in an effort not to be that annoying chatty person that forces herself into unwanted conversations, I've overcorrected and don't talk to anyone unless they try to talk with me first. This makes for a lonely work day, since I come across as bristly so people leave me alone, although I want to be sociable but feel hesitant to talk to them first. It's much like walking a tightrope.

The wonderful thing about music is that you're never too old or young, too rich or poor, too uneducated or intelligent, or charismatic or awkward to find connections with others.  Music is healing, and of course, there are multiple studies that show the effect of music in multiple areas of the brain.

Occasionally, I use a dramatic movie or TV show as my tool for catharsis, but most likely, I'll play some music and allow myself for a few brief moments to feel before I tamper down my human side. (Also, I NEED movies to have happy endings!) Music allows you to inject your own slant to what the words mean, no matter the intention or personal experience of the songwriter.  Although the details of life are unique, human experiences are generally universal. While someone in Zambia may not understand the particulars of my childhood, he will be able to understand the hurts and pleasures experienced.

Even if the song in question seems to be a secular one, it fills in the gaps and helps to balance out the ups and downs of life. They can be as smooth as the Black Hills of South Dakota or they can be as turbulent as the Grand Tetons. While I do enjoy the dopamine from happy songs, periodically, I need the release that angry songs initiates.

Music minimizes rejection. Music soothes heartbreak. Music intensifies happiness. Music honors love, no matter the form. Music strengthens faith and trust.
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Trust in You

Letting go of every single dream
I lay each one down at Your feet
Every moment of my wandering
Never changes what You see
I try to win this war
I confess, my hands are weary, I need Your rest
Mighty warrior, king of the fight
No matter what I face You're by my side

When You don't move the mountains
I'm needing You to move
When You don't part the waters
I wish I could walk through
When You don't give the answers
As I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You

Truth is, You know what tomorrow brings
There's not a day ahead You have not seen
So let all things be my life and breath
I want what You want Lord and nothing less

When You don't move the mountains
I'm needing You to move
When You don't part the waters
I wish I could walk through
When You don't give the answers
As I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You
I will trust in You

You are my strength and comfort
You are my steady hand
You are my firm foudation
The rock on which I stand
Your ways are always higher
Your plans are always good
There's not a place where I'll go
You've not already stood

When You don't move the mountains
I'm needing You to move
When You don't part the waters
I wish I could walk through
When You don't give the answers
As I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You
I will trust in You
I will trust in You
I will trust in You

The Cowardly Tin Scarecrow

I am NOT strong.

When people praise me for my strength and tell me they don't know how I do it, I want to laugh sardonically and maniacally.

Being strong is being proactive, considering all the options, and making a decision. Being strong is having a smile on your face, not because you are faking it, but because you are confident and at peace with yourself and with God. Being strong is being able to reach out to others for help.

Being strong isn't trudging through day by day. Being strong isn't being in a catatonic state. Being strong isn't being able to cry almost at the drop of a hat. Being strong isn't going home and collapsing as soon as you walk in the door. Being strong isn't wanting to head into the wind and run away from all your responsibilities. Being strong isn't having to deal with the consequences of your choices.

I do whatever it is because there is no other option for me to take. There have been several points in my younger years where I considered, and a couple where I halfheartedly attempted, suicide. I would love to say that I've grown past that point and matured in my old age. It's not others' responsibility to pay the penalty for my poor choices.

Most days are easy, but sometimes, especially lately, I feel like I'm fighting through a fog. I don't have any amazing insights to share other than don't judge people that have committed suicide or struggled with depression. Whether they are strong or weak is immaterial. Even if you know them well and live with them everyday, you can't know their internal thoughts.

For some unknown reason, I've never been angry at God. Maybe I should be, but I definitely can't credit my assumed maturity and wisdom. Is it because I don't actually believe in Him? Possibly. My faith and commitment ebbs and flows with the level correlating to how my life is going. I'm almost positive this is why God continues to throw obstacles at me. I would almost assuredly be one of those people that relies on my own intelligence and talents to solve problems.

Even in this season of turbulence and repeated rejections, I'm having trouble praying, though, so clearly, I haven't learned my lesson. I might have a short conversation in passing, but my heart feels apathetic. Maybe I'm afraid to lean on Him in case He disappoints me, too.

Maybe it's time to start my new season on my own terms.
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Even If

They say sometimes you win some
Sometimes you lose some
And right now, right now I'm losing bad
I've stood on this stage night after night
Reminding the broken it'll be alright
But right now, oh right now I just can't

It's easy to sing
When there's nothing to bring me down
But what will I say
When I'm held to the flame
Like I am right now

I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone

They say it only takes a little faith
To move a mountain
Good thing
A little faith is all I have right now
But God, when You choose
To leave mountains unmovable
Give me the strength to be able to sing
It is well with my soul

I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt
Would all go away if You'd just say the word
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone

You've been faithful, You've been good
All of my days
Jesus, I will cling to You
Come what may
‘Cause I know You're able
I know You can

I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt
Would all go away if You'd just say the word
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone

It is well with my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul

Just Desserts

Dear stress, let's break up.

This was supposed to be a coasting year. I'm beginning to think 2016 was a piece of cake compared to where I'm currently dwelling. I feel like a zombie walking around-no emotions, no energy, no enthusiasm for anything-just surviving on autopilot. The emotional roller coaster has won. I concede the battle.

I'm so drained and exhausted. I try to muster the energy needed to be Pollyanna so I don't drag people down with my Eeyore/"woe is me" attitude. I put myself in this situation; I should be able to deal with it. I can keep it up for a short time, but as time progresses, the endurance level gets shorter and shorter. Afterwards, I go into isolation and escape into books until I need to fake through the next interaction.

People often talk about how they don't deserve bad things that happen in their life, but you never hear talk about disowning the good things that occur. We have a lawyer in town that tries to tell people, "You deserve to be paid." LIES. It makes me want to throw something or challenge him to a debate. No one deserves anything except for what they earn on their own merit. Everything else is merely a situational obstacle or assistance.

Sometimes, not having control of a situation allows you to not stress about the outcomes. When you have an impact on the possibilities based on your choices, it can be more challenging to give it over to God and to let things happen. When I got news that based on the ultrasound, BG was going to have a heart defect (ASD-Atrial Septal Defect and possible TGA-Transposition of the Great Arteries), I felt strangely calm about the entire situation. I had no control and nothing I did was going to fix the problem.

Trying to be thankful when your baby has been in the hospital for almost 6 weeks and is about to have surgery on his face has proven to be a bit more strenuous, mostly because he's in there because of life choices I've made. I'm only slightly exaggerating. Since I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes in 2009, doctors have been telling me I need to monitor my blood sugar. Well, it's finally caught up to me. It hasn't affected only me; the consequences are playing out in poor BG's life and he is just now starting out in life. Trying to decide if I'm still keeping BG since G has backed out of his co-parenting responsibilities and is even denying his paternity has proven to be downright debilitating.

People have been supremely generous with all kinds of baby gifts and supplies; but, at the end of the day, it is still just me and BG. No baby daddy or partner for support on nights when I feel emotionally and spiritually exhausted and need a break. We're just now at the beginning of the next chapter. Even with assistance from the state, there is barely enough money for just me, let alone another responsibility to care for. I could go the single mom route; but looking at my current and anticipated situation, I also feel a good option is to choose a better life for him.

I had decided on the adoption route early on in my pregnancy, but I changed my mind when G decided he wanted to be involved with BG. When I pressured him for developing a co-parenting plan, he backed out of wanting any responsibility because he "is getting to [sic] old to wait tables, to [sic] old and wild AF for this sh&t, could raise a kid by myself or in a relationship, but not co-parenting, and in case you missed the memo; I can't have children, doctor approved".

Needless to say, I got super pissed off. I don't care that he did what I expected him to do at the beginning. I am angrier because he acted like he wanted to be in this and then backed out when it became real and when it became obvious I was not going to get into a relationship with him. All I can say is I am glad that he pulled this before we got further in and it actually impacted poor BG. I have no tolerance for people who make promises and then bail as soon as it gets difficult. Yes, this is a sore point for me and one of the reasons I can come across as harshly blunt and opinionated. I'd rather lay all the cards on the table instead of making false promises.

Sadly, he's not the only one in my life to have made a promise and flaked on me. During the pregnancy alone, there have been many offers of help; I have learned that about 50% of those will pan out. I absolutely realize not everyone is in a position to give. I am not asking for that. I am referring to the people that ask how they can help, provide a way they say they can contribute, and then bail before keeping their promise.  I understand that life happens, people have their own families, other responsibilities, etc., but it's just frustrating. Whether they've legitimately wanted to help or just made the appropriate comments, it feels like being forgotten. It's those same people that will tell me, "You have people around that will help with BG, there's always financial support, ask people for ____." Guess what? I've done that, and yet, here I am.

I feel guilty because I shouldn't be expecting anything at all, and anything anyone can provide is just icing on the cake. On the other hand, I've had people I never expected (and, in several instances, have never met) to provide help, prayers, gifts, advice. I've had to get better about not automatically refusing help and gifts because I don't have the luxury of being my normal independent self.

As I ponder next steps, finances, logistics, etc., I find myself over-analyzing EVERYthing I can think of. I have pros and cons lists, have thought about all angles of the situation, and I am no closer to a decision. So, I keep waffling on whether to give up BG for adoption or commit to a new path. The answer you get depends on what day (and sometimes when in the day) you ask me. I know, I KNOW. I'm getting irritated at myself, too. Have I mentioned how commitment-phobic I am?

Every person that knows of my dilemma has an opinion on what my decision should be. Some friends come out and say their thoughts directly. Others may not realize it, but their preference comes across in the nuances of their questions and phrasing. The only one seemingly silent is God, whom I can't tell what He would have me do. I've tried to take each day at a time, but being still and praying about next steps is not something I enjoy doing.

Logically, I know this situation is temporary, but I'm tired of having to be strong enough to keep moving forward. I'm sure that makes me sound weak and pathetic, but I would like to just take a break from feeling like life's punching bag.

If you need me, I'm going to be taking the rest of the year off from life wallowing in the sludge of misery and stink of wretchedness.

End self-pitying post...Blech!

Meditations:
Psalm 40:1-3
I waited patiently for the Lord, And He inclined to me, and heard my cry. He also brought me up out of a horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my steps. He has put a new song in my mouth--Praise to our God; many will see it and fear, and trust in the Lord.

Psalm 46:10
Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!
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Worn

I'm tired
I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing

I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
'Cause I'm worn

I know I need
To lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won't let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn

And my prayers are wearing thin
I'm worn even before the day begins
I'm worn I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn so heaven so come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Yes all that's dead inside will be reborn
Though I'm worn
Yeah I'm worn

The Baby Thing

So....I've finally made the decision. I think, anyway. Who knows? I might change my mind tomorrow.

Deep breaths. Inhale. Exhale.

Are you crazy?
Who ever said I made a decision based on logic and smarts?
You've always been a sink-or-swim situation kind of person.
But, it's not a short-term decision. It has an 18+-year sentence.
What if you pass on your mental issues?
It would be better off without you.
You're getting old. This might be your last chance.
The baby's father, G, has a great support network set up--much better than yours.
You've never been one to do things the traditional way.
Don't let the child feel abandoned and unloved for the rest of its life.
You'll regret giving it up.
You'll regret keeping it.
You're being selfless.
You're being selfish.
You're being stupid.
You have people around you who will help.
What if J decides he doesn't love me anymore and I'm left alone?
Your life will never be the same.
What if you can't do this?
Whatever happens, this is all in God's plan for you.
At the end of the day, it's just me and the dogs.
How are YOU going to take care of a baby?

The thoughts go back and forth. Some are mine; some are comments/advice from friends and acquaintances.

I told many people that G would not want to be a father because he told me he couldn't have kids, so I assumed when I got pregnant that it was because it was a line. From the moment I told him, he's been very excited. He said he didn't think he could have kids because he had been trying with a few girlfriends. Within 5 days, he told me if I didn't want to raise BG at all, he's been best friends with a Huntsville girl for 11 years, and she is willing to marry him and help raise BG. They told their families, who were very supportive. (I was slightly jealous) He has a house set up in a nice part of the area. His family would be 20 minutes away. BG would go to preschool, private school, and be well taken care of. If I want to share custody, he would stay in Nashville to be involved in the day-to-day and would switch shifts around so he would be available to care for BG while I work and then I would take over in the evenings while he works.

The decision changed from "Do I have to give up BG?" to "Do I want to give up BG?" The good thing is my decision is between good and good. There's really not a bad option here.

J has said he won't have any issue with helping to raise another man's child, and he has been so supportive, albeit annoyingly not forthcoming with his opinion.The hard part is while we are good now, I still consider us in the beginning stages of our relationship. I have no long-term claim on him at this point, and while I couldn't completely factor him into my decision, in all fairness, I couldn't rule him out. In some ways, the decision would have been easier were we not together.

All that to say....I'm going to give the baby thing a try.

Whew! There I said it. Am I terrified? Yes, yes, I am. Am I stubborn? Yes, yes, I am.

Thankfully, I've had a super easy pregnancy so far, although I'm slightly nervous that something will happen in the last 3 months. I'm dreading the labor and delivery portion, and I don't even have an inkling of an idea about how to create a birth plan. I STILL have no idea of the gender because trying to get an appointment set up--insurance, work schedule, and transferring to a different ob-gyn--has proven frustrating.

All I can ask for at this point are prayers. I have no idea how I'm going to make this work, and we all know I LOVE being pushed out of my comfort zone.
I do however crave adventures, and this seems like somewhat of a big one.  
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Piece by Piece - Kelly Clarkson

And all I remember is your back
Walking towards the airport, leaving us all in your past
I traveled fifteen hundred miles to see you
I begged you to want me, but you didn’t want to

But piece by piece, he collected me up
Off the ground, where you abandoned things
Piece by piece he filled the holes that you burned in me
Six years old and you know
He never walks away
He never asks for money
He takes care of me
He loves me
Piece by piece, he restores my faith
That a man can be kind and the father could, stay

And all of your words fall flat
I made something of myself and now you wanna come back
But your love, it isn’t free, it has to be earned
Back then I didn’t have anything you needed so I was worthless

But piece by piece, he collected me up
Off the ground, where you abandoned things
Piece by piece he filled the holes that you burned in me
Six years old and you know
He never walks away
He never asks for money
He takes care of me
'Cause he loves me
Piece by piece, he restored my faith
That a man can be kind and a father could, stay

Piece by piece

Piece by piece I fell far from the tree
I will never leave her like you left me
And she will never have to wonder her worth
Because unlike you I’m going to put her first and you know
He’ll never walk away,
He’ll never break her heart
He’ll take care of things, he’ll love her
Piece by piece, he restored my faith
That a man can be kind and the father should be great

Piece by piece
Piece by piece