The Baby Thing

So....I've finally made the decision. I think, anyway. Who knows? I might change my mind tomorrow.

Deep breaths. Inhale. Exhale.

Are you crazy?
Who ever said I made a decision based on logic and smarts?
You've always been a sink-or-swim situation kind of person.
But, it's not a short-term decision. It has an 18+-year sentence.
What if you pass on your mental issues?
It would be better off without you.
You're getting old. This might be your last chance.
The baby's father, G, has a great support network set up--much better than yours.
You've never been one to do things the traditional way.
Don't let the child feel abandoned and unloved for the rest of its life.
You'll regret giving it up.
You'll regret keeping it.
You're being selfless.
You're being selfish.
You're being stupid.
You have people around you who will help.
What if J decides he doesn't love me anymore and I'm left alone?
Your life will never be the same.
What if you can't do this?
Whatever happens, this is all in God's plan for you.
At the end of the day, it's just me and the dogs.
How are YOU going to take care of a baby?

The thoughts go back and forth. Some are mine; some are comments/advice from friends and acquaintances.

I told many people that G would not want to be a father because he told me he couldn't have kids, so I assumed when I got pregnant that it was because it was a line. From the moment I told him, he's been very excited. He said he didn't think he could have kids because he had been trying with a few girlfriends. Within 5 days, he told me if I didn't want to raise BG at all, he's been best friends with a Huntsville girl for 11 years, and she is willing to marry him and help raise BG. They told their families, who were very supportive. (I was slightly jealous) He has a house set up in a nice part of the area. His family would be 20 minutes away. BG would go to preschool, private school, and be well taken care of. If I want to share custody, he would stay in Nashville to be involved in the day-to-day and would switch shifts around so he would be available to care for BG while I work and then I would take over in the evenings while he works.

The decision changed from "Do I have to give up BG?" to "Do I want to give up BG?" The good thing is my decision is between good and good. There's really not a bad option here.

J has said he won't have any issue with helping to raise another man's child, and he has been so supportive, albeit annoyingly not forthcoming with his opinion.The hard part is while we are good now, I still consider us in the beginning stages of our relationship. I have no long-term claim on him at this point, and while I couldn't completely factor him into my decision, in all fairness, I couldn't rule him out. In some ways, the decision would have been easier were we not together.

All that to say....I'm going to give the baby thing a try.

Whew! There I said it. Am I terrified? Yes, yes, I am. Am I stubborn? Yes, yes, I am.

Thankfully, I've had a super easy pregnancy so far, although I'm slightly nervous that something will happen in the last 3 months. I'm dreading the labor and delivery portion, and I don't even have an inkling of an idea about how to create a birth plan. I STILL have no idea of the gender because trying to get an appointment set up--insurance, work schedule, and transferring to a different ob-gyn--has proven frustrating.

All I can ask for at this point are prayers. I have no idea how I'm going to make this work, and we all know I LOVE being pushed out of my comfort zone.
I do however crave adventures, and this seems like somewhat of a big one.  
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Piece by Piece - Kelly Clarkson

And all I remember is your back
Walking towards the airport, leaving us all in your past
I traveled fifteen hundred miles to see you
I begged you to want me, but you didn’t want to

But piece by piece, he collected me up
Off the ground, where you abandoned things
Piece by piece he filled the holes that you burned in me
Six years old and you know
He never walks away
He never asks for money
He takes care of me
He loves me
Piece by piece, he restores my faith
That a man can be kind and the father could, stay

And all of your words fall flat
I made something of myself and now you wanna come back
But your love, it isn’t free, it has to be earned
Back then I didn’t have anything you needed so I was worthless

But piece by piece, he collected me up
Off the ground, where you abandoned things
Piece by piece he filled the holes that you burned in me
Six years old and you know
He never walks away
He never asks for money
He takes care of me
'Cause he loves me
Piece by piece, he restored my faith
That a man can be kind and a father could, stay

Piece by piece

Piece by piece I fell far from the tree
I will never leave her like you left me
And she will never have to wonder her worth
Because unlike you I’m going to put her first and you know
He’ll never walk away,
He’ll never break her heart
He’ll take care of things, he’ll love her
Piece by piece, he restored my faith
That a man can be kind and the father should be great

Piece by piece
Piece by piece

The Very Best Worst Day

My heart has been broken more than a few times in my life. February 22, 1999, was not one of those days.

I can remember the day my dad died very vividly. It replays like a movie in my head. I can tell you what friends and teacher came to the hospital to support me. I can tell you that I comforted my mom and sister when they got emotional after learning that he was just living through machines.

I can tell you I did not cry.

In hindsight, I see that day as the day of my release from prison. I didn't know it at the time, but it was the last day I would be a sexual abuse victim. It was the BEST worst day of my entire life.

Until I admitted the abuse to myself a year later, I never once considered myself as an abuse survivor. I would read stories about abuse and feel sorry for those people but I did not see myself in their shoes. Throughout the abuse, I saw myself as being a "bad" person for having feelings and I knew there was something wrong with what my dad was doing; but I didn't have a support system as I do now, and since it had been going on for 12 years, I didn't know any different, so I thought it was "normal".

I isolated myself from schoolmates, I very rarely portrayed any type of emotion that wasn't negative, I was hostile and resistant to most people, I didn't cry because that was a weakness, I looked forward to going back to school on Mondays and dreaded Fridays, and I read books. Books were the one place I could escape from my life. I could go into many different worlds and lives and I knew there was better out there. If only I could hold on until 18, then I would be free.

For a long time, I felt guilty that I had caused my dad's death. He had a biopsy a short time beforehand, and I liked to goose him because I knew he hated it. I had no idea about the surgery and I goosed him a few days before his collapse on the side of the road. I did a lot of research to determine if sutures could be burst just by poking someone. The jury is still out.

If my dad were still alive today, I have no doubt my life would be filled with much more turmoil and I would be stuck in a time warp. I wrote the following letter 3 years ago and updated it to reflect the current situation. I finally feel like a victor. I opened myself up to relationships this year, and while they didn't turn out ideally, I BEAT THE DEVIL. I am not stuck in a cage of my thoughts and worries.

I have cried. And I have lived.

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Dear Daddy,

I am taking this time to finally say goodbye to you. After almost 18 years, I have finally had enough. I held onto you and your effect on me for so long because I did not want to let you go. As long as I held on to the anger and the hurt, in some ways, you were still with me. I had never really given myself a chance to mourn you because I was trying to hold on to something that never actually existed.

You deeply hurt me with your abuse of me, and I cannot begin to understand it, but I have decided I do not want you to determine my life anymore. Remaining stuck in the past will never allow me the life or the love I really want to achieve. I had allowed you to decide when I was happy, when I was sad, when I distrusted people, and when I felt unsafe. You were like a voice whispering in my ear and keeping blinders on me. I am tired of having a victim mentality instead of a warrior mentality. All it did was keep me stuck. I saw others pass me by like ships in a fog, and I envied them their happiness and successes.

I am sorry your life was so bad that you felt like you had to take it out on your own family. I must say that I don’t understand that level of egocentrism and despair where you need to inflict pain on other people to make yourself feel better. I do hope in some way it helped; otherwise, it’s even worse that in the end, it was all for nothing.

I don’t want to make this into a letter of anger and hatred since that is precisely what I am trying to keep away from, but suffice it to say, in your pathetic parenting of me as a child and teenager, I felt like such a failure and disappointment to you. Nothing was ever good enough - I was never good enough for you. Your love, what little there was, had to be earned, but you were so cold and distant that when you did offer your perverted sense of affection, I welcomed it because I knew that was all I was going to get from you.

I cannot pretend to understand why you adopted children if they were not what you wanted. You were all about image and appearances and status. I got so invested in keeping up appearances that I stayed away from all people in case they found out the truth about our family. I felt completely worthless because you made me feel that way every day growing up, and I carried that with me into adulthood.

I questioned my basic value as a human being, and I always worried about being a burden or imposition on anyone. I isolated myself and felt uneasy around other people, especially males, at a level far behind social awkwardness and anxiety. I used to be desperate for love and approval and would do anything to make people like me because of you. It was the worst thing in the world, as far as I was concerned, if someone was mad at me or didn’t like me. I was intimidated by angry people and felt guilty when I stood up for myself or acted in my own best interest because of you.

I was attracted to emotionally unavailable people with addictive personalities and to other victims because I confused love with pity and tended to “love” people that I could pity and rescue. I repressed my feelings and told everyone that I was “fine” because I was unaware of the impact that my inability to identify and express my feelings had on my adult life. I have a dependent personality because of you and was so terrified of rejection or abandonment that I stayed in situations or relationships that were harmful to me. My fears and dependency kept me from ending unfulfilling relationships and prevented me from entering into fulfilling ones, which was a result of the dysfunctional example that I had growing up. I ran scared in the other direction so I could not be damaged again.

I do admit that you taught me some good things: love of education, desire to improve myself, compassion for others’ suffering, desire to help those in need, and, interestingly enough, hope that there is something better and bigger out there than this measly existence. You made me aware of faults that were within me, and, in doing so, I am able to work on them and improve my life for the better, so thank you for that. So, in spite of everything you did, I am still a valuable person, but that’s because of what I’ve done, not because of your example for me.

I’ve already begun to mend myself, but I realize that I still have a long way to go before I will be able to completely move past everything that has happened. I realize that there are good men in the world, in spite of your fabulous example. I won’t think about you anymore except in a vague, foggy memory sort of way--like a stranger I would pass on the street. In the end, however, I win. I win every day that I choose to get up and fight.

This year, I have allowed myself to feel emotions, to invest myself in healthy relationships, to push myself outside of my emotional comfort zone. I have realized my self-worth and refused to accept less than the best because I deserve it. I have created a circle of trust and loyalty with quality people, not because I have anything to contribute but because I live. I have focused on self-care because I am important enough to be taken care of just as much as I take care of others. I allowed myself to let go in intimate relationships and trust that the other person had my best interest at heart. I even fell in love. I CAN be happy. I CAN be a human being.

There is nothing more I want or need from you. Your love and acceptance could not change who I am or where I am going in my life. There is nothing more to say except, “Goodbye and good riddance.” I wish I could say it has been wonderful, but that would be a lie.

Your adopted (but never really yours) daughter

God is One Stubborn Guy

“It is an act of humility towards the mystery of the presence of the Lord in our lives to accept trials and difficulties, even upsetting ones, even ones which come from other people.  It is letting the Lord follow His plan for us and respecting the mystery of His presence. We must let the Lord be quite free to follow His plan for us.t We must accept everything and everybody He uses to fulfill this plan.  When it is impossible for us not to be sad, our sadness should be gentle and serene.  We must accept suffering and not become bitter.” - (Metropolitan Anthony (Bloom) of Sourozh – “Courage to Pray”)

 I've tried to throw God away more times than I care to admit...okay, more times than I can count–like that goofy animal that doesn't get that I want to be alone and that "No, I DON'T want to cuddle right now; I'm just irritated at the world" and "No, I DON'T know why I feel this way or when I'll feel better!"

Dealing with my own emotions definitely makes me assume that God deals with me like I am a 2-year old child having a tantrum, except with MUCH more patience and annoyingly accurate understanding.

Try as I might to pull myself away, He keeps getting in my face. I test Him often and intensely, and He doesn't react. He doesn't punish me for my lack of comprehension and obedience. Rather, He seems to reward me and realizes that I need to come to terms with life on my own.

I argue with Him. ALOT. I complain and whine and make half-hearted promises and try to bargain with Him. I rationalize about how my plan is beneficial to me, and justify why my choices should determine my reward but not my consequences.

I get angry about why He won't just leave me alone in my fallacies and warped views. Then, I feel guilty for feeling angry with Him because He loves me so I should be more appreciative. Then, I feel ashamed and confused that I'm feeling guilty and angry. And, so the cycle goes on and on and on...

Yet, there He patiently stays, while I wrestle with my demons–His arms and Love wrapped around me, always in front of my face waiting until I see Him as He is, not as I have imagined Him to be. Ever-constant. Never changing.

He is firm and gentle, patient and unrelenting, challenging and comforting, all-knowing and mysterious, judging and forgiving, masculine and feminine, and through it all He is what I need Him to be when I need it, even though I have not the awareness of what I need.

Would I claim that I love and trust God as I should at this point? Definitely not. I struggle with the balance of depending on God for everything while still yearning for human relationships. I sometimes feel guilty that my earthly relationships are more important to me than my heavenly one. I have to remind myself that the human and animal relationships are a small reflection of God's intention of our relationship with Him, and that He Himself has a relationship.

I'm slowly learning that my Heavenly Father is NOT my earthly father. I'm slowly learning that I am worthy of God's love, despite the lies and frightened whispers my inner child would have me believe. If I could learn to relax and allow God's love to infiltrate every fiber of my being, everything else would fall into place. Every so often, I'll see a glimpse of it and acknowledge that it's there, and then I fall back into old habits. I'm a stubborn learner–the curse of intelligence, I'm afraid, but then God already knows and accepts that. It's time I did, too.
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Warrior

This is a story that I have never told
I gotta get this off my chest to let it go
I need to take back the light inside you stole
You're a criminal
And you steal like you're a pro

All the pain and the truth
I wear like a battle wound
So ashamed, so confused
I was broken and bruised

Now I'm a warrior
Now I've got thicker skin
I'm a warrior
I'm stronger than I've ever been
And my armor, is made of steel, you can't get in
I'm a warrior
And you can never hurt me again

Out of the ashes, I'm burning like a fire
You can save your apologies, you're nothing but a liar
I've got shame, I've got scars
That I will never show
I'm a survivor
In more ways than you know

Cause all the pain and the truth
I wear like a battle wound
So ashamed, so confused
I'm not broken or bruised

'Cause now I'm a warrior
Now I've got thicker skin
I'm a warrior
I'm stronger than I've ever been
And my armor, is made of steel, you can't get in
I'm a warrior
And you can never hurt me

There's a part of me I can't get back
A little girl grew up too fast
All it took was once, I'll never be the same
Now I'm taking back my life today
Nothing left that you can say
Cause you are never gonna take the blame anyway

Now I'm a warrior
I've got thicker skin
I'm a warrior
I'm stronger than I've ever been
And my armor, is made of steel, you can't get in
I'm a warrior
And you can never hurt me again

Square Peg, Round Hole

"The worst solitude is to be destitute of sincere friendship."

If I'm being honest, I should admit that I am a horrible friend. I do not say this out of false modesty, but rather an objective account of my interpersonal skills with my community. How do I expect to be a good wife if I cannot even be a good friend?

I remember reading a blog post a couple of years ago that really resonated with me(although I cannot find it now). The author was talking about 2 different types of friends, essentially a "first-responder" friend and a "builder" friend. The difference is that the first-responders are great when you have trauma and catastrophes in your life, but they aren't there for the daily struggle, for the constant roller coaster of life. I am fabulous at being there when a need arises, but I don't do anything to maintain the long-term relationship. It's almost like being a rock skipping across a pond. I land just long enough to make brief contact, and then I'm off again.

I'm only a friend when it's easy. Nothing is required of me. All I need to do is smile politely, show or tell people what they want to see, and share just enough to make me seem intimate and "real", but not too needy. It's easy to relate to people only in one capacity and compartmentalize certain types of friendships I have.

I still struggle with trying to make friendships fit what I want them to be so they benefit me. One of my current friendships frustrates me because I want something different, but I'm so fearful of rejection and losing the person that I will most likely never push for something more or accept the fact that our friendship isn't fitting the box I want to put it in.  My insecurities come out of the woodwork, and I find myself clinging to the very thing that I should be letting go. Can we say hamster wheel??

I'm not even a good friend to myself. I am completely a fair-weather fan of me. As long as everything is moving along smoothly, I'm upbeat, complimentary of my characteristics, and accepting even of my faults. As soon as something goes wrong, I spin around into a 180-degree thought process and become the judge and jury and sentence myself to a life sentence without any hope of parole.

Despite the spiritual struggles and attacks during Lent, it's actually a fairly "easy" season for me. I excel at seeing why I should be remorseful about my pride and selfishness towards God and my fellow man. Stepping through the gate into the Paschal season is difficult. I still find myself being wary about accepting God's grace because deep down, I do not trust God completely(or even halfway, really). I only want to be a Christian as much as is necessary for me to seem "good". I don't like having to struggle, and while, yes, logically, I see the benefit in it, I am lazy and want to take the easy way out. Until that is fixed, I'm afraid this will be a long ride on the hamster wheel.

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Dionne Warwick - That's What Friends Are For

And I never thought I'd feel this way
And as far as I'm concerned
I'm glad I got the chance to say
That I do believe, I love you

And if I should ever go away
Well, then close your eyes and try
To feel the way we do today
And then if you can remember

Keep smiling, keep shining
Knowing you can always count on me, for sure
That's what friends are for
For good times and bad times

I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for

Well, you came in loving me
And now there's so much more I see
And so by the way
I thank you

Oh and then for the times when we're apart
Well, then close your eyes and know
The words are coming from my heart
And then if you can remember

Keep smiling and keep shining
Knowing you can always count on me, for sure

That's what friends are for
In good times and bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for

Boring is Underrated

I am suffering from some serious baby envy right now. Ugh. I finally admit that I am a girl/woman. I want to get married and have kids. I've been trying to come up with a good, selfless reason why I would want to do this, and I have nothing. Zip. Zilch. Nada. I don't want to have a family for any other reason than because I want one.

I don't expect some sort of fairytale or Hollywood romance with fireworks and a novel-worthy storyline. If I'm honest, I should admit that I have a romanticized image of two old people doing the mundane, ordinary day-to-day activities and just reveling in the fact that someone has been through the thick and thin with you for ~50 years.

Since it is after the New Year, people have been asking me what my resolution is for this year. I just make some sarcastic comment(shocking, I know!), but I have several resolutions. Some carry over from last year, of course, and most of them I won't share with anyone else, but all of them relate to breaking out of my shell and cocoon that I have remained in for approximately 15 years now.

This past week was the 1-year anniversary of losing Basil. While I tend to equate my feelings for him as more of a parent/child than pet or partner, it's not as intimate or vulnerable as a human-human relationship. I still miss the crap out of that little bugger, but I also know that is only a minor equivalent to what I will feel with a close human loss(father's death notwithstanding); however, building my life around dogs is too seductive because dogs don't require much of you emotionally. They love you. You yell at them. They look sad. You give them a treat or a hug. It is such a minimal amount of risk for your heart.

The problem is that I still live in a bubble of fear––fear of things that I don't particularly care to share here, but needless to say, there are too many of them. I am where I am in my life due to fear of change and the unwillingness to do things differently because there hasn't been enough of an impetus to move forward. Inside this bubble, I am "safe" and I know how things operate and I can function through the day-to-day.

Recently, I learned of a "Rejection Therapy" product. Like most of the world, I maneuver my life in such a way that I receive a minimal amount of rejection. I have purchased the cards, and my intent is to create opportunities in which I am forced to be outside of my comfort zone. The goal of this particular program is to make it so that rejections sting less each time, and you build yourself up to bigger risks and opportunities. I am excited and extremely nervous about doing this, but I dislike being stagnant in personal growth, and I definitely think the rewards will outweigh the cost.

My hope is that this will also increase my openness in being vulnerable to people in general. If my goal is to have a family, then I have to be open to rejection in order to make it happen. Blech! I must drink the medicine, I suppose...
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Thinking Out Loud

When your legs don't work like they used to before
And I can't sweep you off of your feet
Will your mouth still remember the taste of my love?
Will your eyes still smile from your cheeks?

And, darling, I will be loving you 'til we're 70
And, baby, my heart could still fall as hard at 23
And I'm thinking 'bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways
Maybe just the touch of a hand
Well, me—I fall in love with you every single day
And I just wanna tell you I am

So honey now
Take me into your loving arms
Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars
Place your head on my beating heart
I'm thinking out loud
That maybe we found love right where we are

When my hair's all but gone and my memory fades
And the crowds don't remember my name
When my hands don't play the strings the same way
I know you will still love me the same

'Cause honey your soul could never grow old, it's evergreen
And, baby, your smile's forever in my mind and memory
I'm thinking 'bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways
Maybe it's all part of a plan
Well, I'll just keep on making the same mistakes
Hoping that you'll understand

But, baby, now
Take me into your loving arms
Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars
Place your head on my beating heart
Thinking out loud
That maybe we found love right where we are

So, baby, now
Take me into your loving arms
Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars
Oh, darling, place your head on my beating heart
I'm thinking out loud
That maybe we found love right where we are
Oh, baby, we found love right where we are
And we found love right where we are




Acoustic version