Allegations

The past few weeks have been rough. I know people talk about triggers so often these days, it's become a joke. On the surface, I haven't had any side effects from all the assault and rape cases covered in the media in such detail. I'm not having flashbacks, and I'm still able to function on a daily basis.

Below the surface is a different story: I've fallen into a mild depression, I am experiencing anxiety, and I am having trouble processing the emotions and thoughts that have manifested. While my abuse hasn't had as large an impact on my romantic relationship as I thought, I assumed I had dealt with it much better than it appears I have. Issues with child abuse and sexual crimes are still sensitive areas and can bring up emotional reactions, even in otherwise calm discussions with my boyfriend.

I'm glad my abuser is dead.

If he were alive today, where would I be? Would I have to decide if I wanted to prosecute him? Would I still be in denial about what happened?  Would I be emotionally stunted? Would I have to sit in a courtroom as every decision I made was torn apart and intent decided? Would my memories be questioned? Would I be attacked for daring to suggest that someone with a shiny public reputation could behave in such a way? Would people insinuate that I was complicit in my own abuse despite being a child when it began? Would I be weighed and found wanting?

I'm glad my abuser is dead.

Maybe that makes me a coward. I don't have to go through any public ridicule and judgment, but I also don't get to ask the question most assault survivors want to know: "WHY?" I don't get closure and satisfaction of justice.

As I watch Dr. Ford share her account of the event she partially remembers, I admire her strength and composure, even at the personal cost of such a decision. Being in such a public forum exacerbates any pressure and anxiety a thousandfold, even from the already heightened environment of a private courtroom. Reading the comments from the tens of thousands of strangers that have opinions on experiences they were not part of has been frustrating and deplorable. How do you explain without sounding crazy that someone whom you never met is impacting your life?

I'm glad my abuser is dead.

I don't have to worry about interacting with him, I don't have to worry about people upset that I dare malign his character, and I don't have to worry about reporting him to prevent future abuse on other people. I don't have to worry about the victim shaming, even in questions that are slanted. Even within the abuse and assault community, everyone has speculations about how it should be reported, when it should be reported, and when it's serious enough to be reported.  I don't have to worry if people think I'm believed just because I'm a woman or because of personal interests.

I'm glad my abuser is dead.

I can proceed with life as it was. I can keep my personal secrets secret. I can minimize the repercussions of his behavior. I can deal with the impact on a daily basis. I can process through my life within my selected social circle. I don't have to deal with him.

I'm glad my abuser is dead.
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Til It Happens to You

You tell me it gets better, it gets better in time
You say I'll pull myself together, pull it together
You'll be fine
Tell me what the hell do you know? What do you know?
Tell me how the hell could you know? How could you know?

Till it happens to you, you don't know how it feels
How it feels
Till it happens to you, you won't know
It won't be real
No, it won't be real
Won't know how it feels

You tell me hold your head up
Hold your head up and be strong
'Cause when you fall, you gotta get up
You gotta get up and move on

Tell me, how the hell could you talk?
How could you talk?
'Cause until you walk where I walk
It's just all talk

Till it happens to you, you don't know how it feels
How it feels
Till it happens to you, you won't know
It won't be real (how could you know?)
No, it won't be real (how could you know?)
Won't know how I feel

Till your world burns and crashes
Till you're at the end, the end of your rope
Till you're standing in my shoes, I don't wanna hear nothing from you
From you, from you, 'cause you don't know

Till it happens to you, you don't know how I feel
How I feel, how I feel
Till it happens to you, you won't know
It won't be real (how could you know?)
No, it won't be real (how could you know?)
Won't know how it feels

Till it happens to you, happens to you, happens to you
Happens to you, happens to you, happens to you (how could you know?)

Till it happens to you, you won't know how I feel

Value vs. Cost

You wouldn't believe me if I told you how many times I have written and rewritten about this topic, especially in my head. I have so many thoughts, opinions, questions, and concerns to share, but shockingly, I am finding it difficult to express what I mean while saying everything I mean in the way that I mean. Even with all that thinking, this post still only scratches the surface.

A common thread throughout the past year and a half has been about value. On an intrinsic level, without having to have anything to contribute to the family, workforce or the world, how is a value determined? One of the most damaging things someone can hear in his or her life is "You have been weighed; you have been measured, and you have been found wanting."

People should never feel like they have no value. I'm not talking about participation trophies or trite "That was great" statements. I'm talking about value as a being, as themselves, personality and charisma aside. It begins early. How you treat your child will manifest the repercussions throughout the rest of his or her lifetime. EVERY human being has a value.

It's easy to talk about empathy. It's such a trendy word. Businesses want their customer service to make you feel like they understand your situation. "Put yourself in their shoes" is a common theme in corporate training. "Engage with the customer." What then? If it's artificial, it comes across as condescending and insincere.

When the goal is to create value, it naturally produces empathy. After all, when you realize someone's value, you DO empathize with them - not necessarily about their specific situation but about their experience and emotions as a fellow human. When you value someone, even at the most basic level of concern, you don't want to cause them any unnecessary pain. Each person will value someone differently than their neighbor would, sometimes in relation to how the other person benefits them and sometimes in relation to nothing at all.

I struggle with feeling valued every day. Growing up, it was something to be earned, not given freely. I struggle with feeling like second-string in my family, my work, my church, my friends, and my life. I struggle with it so much that my 6-month goal was to make sure I didn't cause someone to not feel valued. I know I failed miserably, but even being aware of it made a drastic difference in my interactions, whether on social media or in real life.

One thing I've noticed since my little experiment has been the assumption of intention. Everyone is the hero and victim of their own life story. If someone is your perceived friend, you assume their intentions are good. If someone has assumedly wronged you(even a friend), you claim they are out to hurt you. Assumptions are a tricky thing, and we all know what happens when we assume.

Anger is an easy go-to, especially in our increasingly disconnected world. When you don't see the other person as a fellow life traveler, it's easier to be insulting, hurtful, and bullying. If you distract people with barbs thrown at them, they won't see your pain. If you can look past the anger and tone and address the issue, that's when the real healing and progress is made.

The other side of value is how much do you keep fighting for it, whether it be a relationship, a possession, or a philosophy you believe in? If something is at risk, what is the cost vs. benefit analysis and what is your criteria for determining it? Financially, emotionally, long-term vs. short-term? What is the balance of seeing something else's value while at the same time not losing yours?

In only two areas do I not question my value: God and dogs.

Dogs are easy. Unconditional love is so ingrained in their being that it takes an extraordinary amount of abuse and pain for them to hate their family. I'm definitely not the best dog mom, but my girls get so excited every day when I get home, I'm amazed at the size of the pedestal on which I've been placed. I can never measure up to that, but they don't expect me to. Whatever I do for them is perfect because it comes from me.

God is the same for me. Even in the darkest of moments in 2017 and 2018, while I railed against God and tried to push through the depression, I never felt like He valued me any less. The judgment and shame I felt were of my own mind and that of other humans. He created me; why wouldn't He value me? There's a sense of freedom in that knowledge. No matter how often people fail me, I can accept their unintentional slights because I know they're flawed, but that isn't the whole story. God created people with a mere token of His capacity for love, and these days, with all the hurting in this world,  everyone appears to be the "least of these". People that are the most battered are the best at seeing value in others because they know the pain not having it causes. Everyone should feel valued and it's up to us to help people see it in themselves when they have lost their way.

You have not been weighed; you have not been measured, and you have been found valuable because you are.

=========================================================
High Tide or Low Tide

In high seas or in low seas
I'm gonna be your friend
I'm gonna be your friend
In high seas or in low seas
I'll be by your side
I'll be by your side

I heard her praying, praying, praying
I said I heard my mother
She was praying (praying, praying, praying) yeah, and I
And the words that she said (the words that she said)
They still-a lingers in my head (lingers in my head)
She said "a child is born in this world
He needs protection." Wo-ohGod guide and protect us

When we're wrong, please correct us (when we're wrong, correct us)
And stand by me

In high seas or in low seas
I'm gonna be your friend
He said, "I'm gonna be your friend"
And, baby, high tide or in low tide
I'll be by your side
I'll be by your side

I said I heard my mother
She was cryin' (I heard her cryin'), yeah! (Cryin', cryin')
And the tears that she shed (the tears that she shed)
They still linger in my head (lingers in my head)
She said "a child is born in this world
He needs protection"

God, guide and protect us
When we're wrong (when we're wrong), please correct us. (O-oh)
And in high seas or in low seas
I'm gonna be your friend
I'm gonna be your friend
Said, in high tide or in low tide
I'll be by your side
I'll be by your side

High seas, in low seas
I'm gonna be your friend
I'm gonna be your friend
High tide or in low tide
I'll be by your side
I'll be by your side

A Letter of Thanks and an Apology

Dear J, Friends, Family, Acquaintances, and Random Strangers,

Thank you.

As cliché as it sounds, it really does take you falling on your face for you to realize who truly cares about your well-being, even when it doesn't fit into a pretty package. Although social media is maligned for distancing people, it is easy to see who supported me, despite not supporting my situation with A.

People who haven't talked to me in years sent words of encouragement, prayers, and gifts. People who claimed to admire me and care about what happened in my life went radio-silent and ghosted. At times when I was despairing, I often got encouragement from people who didn't even know me or who I knew vaguely through other people. I was in so many prayer circles, J and I joked that I was in a prayer n-sphere.

I know you shouldn't base your self-esteem on social media, but when insecurity strikes his head, you read into every statement, reaction, non-comment. Don't be fooled - judgmental people are everywhere. Some are people who are supposed to be like family. It doesn't matter. When the chips are down, it feels like going through a wildfire, tornado, earthquake all mixed in one. When the dust settles, what's left are the people worth keeping.

I'm sorry I wasn't strong. I'm sorry I didn't care enough to sacrifice as much as I should have. I'm sorry my flaws and mistakes have been out there for people to see and critique. I'm sorry my life isn't going the way it "should" be. I'm sorry I regret my decision. I'm sorry I'm not enough.

This is the last apology and reference I'll make, though. I made the decision with the information and situation I had at the time. My life is my life - not yours. I'm horrible at being patient with people who let themselves get stuck. This especially applies to me. I won't talk about it anymore and if you ask me, I'll tell you I'm fine and change the subject. Time to pull myself up by my bootstraps and "Suck it up, buttercup."

========================================================

Nobody Can Save Me

I'm dancing with my demons
I'm hanging off the edge
Storm clouds gather beneath me
Waves break above my head
Headfirst hallucination

I wanna fall wide awake now
You tell me it's alright
Tell me I'm forgiven, tonight

But nobody can save me now
I'm holding up a light
I'm chasing out the darkness inside
'Cause nobody can save me

Stared into this illusion
For answers yet to come
I chose a false solution
But nobody proved me wrong
Headfirst hallucination

I wanna fall wide awake
Watch the ground giving way now
You tell me it's alright
Tell me I'm forgiven, tonight

But nobody can save me now
I'm holding up a light
I'm chasing out the darkness inside
'Cause nobody can save me

Been searching somewhere out there
For what's been missing right here (I wanna fall wide awake now)
I've been searching somewhere out there
For what's been missing right here (I wanna fall wide awake now)
I wanna fall wide awake now
So tell me it's alright
Tell me I'm forgiven, tonight

And only I can save me now
I'm holding up a light
Chasing out the darkness inside
And I don't wanna let you down
But only I can save me!

Been searching somewhere out there
For what's been missing right here

Communication

I love words. Ever since I learned to read even before kindergarten, I have enjoyed the ability to explore the deliciousness of combining various letters to create words, sentences, paragraphs, songs, and entire books. Worlds come alive. Feelings move from ambiguity to specifics, and worlds are visualized with adjectives, nouns, and adverbs. Worlds, both real and fictional, become magical and visceral.

Even though I crave to learn as much as I can about anything, I prefer fiction to non-fiction. Technical books are usually much too dry to enjoy, self-help and business books are very preachy, and, unless I'm interested in the topic, it takes me forever to read a book. Fiction on the other hand, I can devour hours at a time. I get emotionally invested in the characters. I ride their emotional coaster with them, hurt with their hurts, laugh at their jokes, and smile with their happiness. I can escape my feelings and, for a brief time, experience emotions that are safe in a way. No one gets hurt, no one is actually betrayed, and life is usually wrapped up neatly by the end of the glimpse into their lives.

If I had to name a guilty pleasure, I would have to claim Linkin Park. Depending on whom you ask, multiple songs can be considered emo, but from the initial exposure to Hybrid Theory when I heard "Crawling", I could process emotions through their songs. Other than Disturbed and Highly Suspect, they're the "heaviest" I really go into music. I like the blend of rap and rock, and J has learned when I say I'm having a "Linkin Park kind of day", something's wrong. I appreciate that their songs are not usually about the typical "love song", and although their is occasionally profanity, it's there to embellish and enhance the message-not just for shock value.

Words can hurt, heal, encourage, or defeat, especially internal communication. My boss could tell I was struggling after signing the surrender paperwork last Monday and sent me this:

"I nominate P as my Hero of the Month! P has blown me away this past month with her Character alone. She has had a lot of things happen over the past couple of months that really impacted her personal life but she still managed to not miss work but even more, she managed her work/life balance better than many could – given the circumstances. P led the team in the most Positive survey responses and one of the highest scores in the department at a PRR of 90%. P is always willing to help where the business needs whether it be in Chat or on the Phones. She also gives a lot of support to her peers by shadowing, sharing best practices, and helping answer questions. Thank you, P, for your character, work ethic, and your constant drive to help and improve. It does not go unnoticed."

At the end of the year, we have to complete a self-assessment. I struggle to brag about myself without joking about my arrogance and minimizing my skills. There are two versions I could give. The assessment I would give if I were giving it to someone else and the one I would give about myself.

Version 1:
Summary

P is a wonderful asset wherever she is placed. There is no job she is not willing to do. She is undoubtedly the most willing team player I can imagine. She is great at keeping a positive attitude during conflicts and not letting work affect her mood. She excels at learning new information and sharing it with other teammates. She not only loves to learn information presented but keeps asking questions so she can completely understand the context and how it fits the mission and vision of the organization. She has a strong desire to genuinely help customers, is persistent in solving issues, and does not let the customer's frustration affect her. She is great at researching for information she needs and thinking outside the box for creative solutions. She is excellent at communication in a clear way that customers can understand no matter their technical level without sounding like she's being condescending or patronizing. Her compassion and intention to advocate for the customer come across in her communication with customers and results in positive survey responses and a continuously improving response rate. Customer feedback continuously highlights their enjoyment with their customer experience. She has shown leadership in assisting teammates in best practices and sharing her skills so that the department as a whole can improve. Throughout all this, she does not have an air of arrogance about her knowledge or attempt to bring others down to make herself look better. In fact, she is always looking for ways she can improve and excel in ALL areas of her job. I would like to see her take more initiative in learning even more in-depth about the various technologies. She has never been put on a corrective action plan and can be counted on to work overtime when needed. She rises to the challenge and continuously applies feedback to her performance. She has a high level of integrity. She has positive interactions with all her teammates and a wonderful sense of humor that helps to relax tense situations and keep morale up. I would like to see her be more open and a little less stoic. She takes a while to warm up to people, but she's got a great personality and is charming when she gets to know you.

Positives
Able to work in a team or solo environment
Adaptable to change
Quick to learn information
Perfectionist
Excellent vocabulary and communication skills
High Survey Response Rate
High Reliability
Side-by-sides helping teammates
Go-to for information from teammates
Positive attitude
Strong work ethic
Open to constructive criticism and improvement
Strong customer service
Patient with frustrated customers
Creative problem solver
Good at analyzing
Eagerness to learn and understand

Areas of Opportunity and Plan to Improve

High RCR- Being more proactive with followups and increasing knowledge to solve issues
High ACW- Adding to resources and tools to minimize time searching for answers for customers
Inconsistent QA scores-Improving as focus is placed on increasing skills and customer experience
Low PRR-Being more proactive with followups and increasing knowledge to resolve issues

Version 2 if I wrote what I really wanted:
Summary

P settles for what's easy. She doesn't really involve herself in others' lives. She gets moody. She gets distracted easily. She thinks herself above everyone else. She's competitive. She over-analyzes everything. She doesn't want to take responsibility for her life choices. She forgets information and asks questions all the time. She challenges rules and processes in place, and thinks she knows better than others about what needs to be done. She has to know everything, even if it doesn't directly affect her. She's good at bluffing about her skills, but there's no substance. She butts her opinions when questions are asked around her. She's got an opinion about everything, except for the things that matter. She's lazy and tries to do the minimum, yet she gets resentful when she's not the best. She's highly arrogant. She's selective about who she likes to be nice to. She has trouble finishing what she started. She wants people to admire her when she hasn't done anything to be admired for. She acts too big for her britches and doesn't pay attention to detail. She talks too much and isn't a good listener. She's forgetful and doesn't remember details about other people.

Negatives
Low PRR
High RCR
High ACW
Low rapport
Low technical skills
Quick to jump to conclusions
Gets irritated with customers
Hubris

Positives
High reliability
Perfectionist
Smart

I would want to hire the first person and not even acquaint myself with the second. It was a struggle to not go back and edit the first submission, and I had to hit submit before I let myself edit it down to downplay my skills. Even when I have peer-reviewed others, I try to frame it in a positive light, and I would never send version number 2 to anyone since it's just beating down someone who probably has sensitivities in at least one of those areas. Don't let the length of the summaries confuse, though.

Astonishingly, my self-talk HAS improved. Recent events notwithstanding, I'm getting better at accepting compliments and not feeling like I need to prove myself. When things don't go the way you expect, it's a good check on your pride. "I'm better than this" and "you need me" should never be thoughts in my mind. Yet, at the base of it all is that whisper that I will never be enough, that I'll always be second-choice, that I'll always be the consolation prize.

Words...

================================================================

Heavy

I don’t like my mind right now
Stacking up problems that are so unnecessary
Wish that I could slow things down
I wanna let go but there’s comfort in the panic
And I drive myself crazy
Thinking everything's about me
Yeah, I drive myself crazy
'Cause I can’t escape the gravity

I'm holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
So much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what's bringing me down
If I just let go, I'd be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?

You say that I'm paranoid
But I’m pretty sure the world is out to get me
It’s not like I make the choice
To let my mind stay so fucking messy
I know I'm not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning 'round me just the same
I know I'm not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning 'round me just the same

I'm holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
So much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what's bringing me down
If I just let go, I'd be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?

I know I'm not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning 'round me just the same
I know I'm not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning 'round me just the same
And I drive myself crazy
Thinking everything’s about me

Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
So much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what's bringing me down
If I just let go, I'd be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Why is everything so heavy?
Why is everything so heavy?

Mediocrity

I've been coasting.

It's so easy to get into a rut and lull yourself into the land of complacency. I need failures to light a fire in my belly. This past week, no matter what the competition was, I could not win. The tricky part was I usually came in 2nd. It's a good check on humility, but when it all hits in the same week, it's rough. In several of the cases, it was just barely a loss. That extra effort...

I haven't been to church in a month, and my social life is extra selective. Partially, because it's our busy time at work, I have been working 90+-hour weeks while I can to save up money for past-due bills. Mostly, though, it's been avoidance. That extra effort...

It's been challenging to see other moms and children in any age.  All I can think is, "Did I give in too easily?" and "Another thing I've failed at." I see pictures of new babies, announcements of new pregnancies, and the first thought that comes to my mind is, "That was supposed to be MY life." In some ways, it feels like he died. I don't want to talk to everyone about it, and I keep feeling jealousy at the "normal" route of other mothers. I also feel like too many strangers know too much about my life and personal choices I've made. I can't imagine being a celebrity and having everything placed under a microscope.

I haven't been praying, I haven't been reading anything even remotely close to quality just so I can get an emotional release, and I haven't been asking God for help. I feel like I'm in a fog. The hard part about being in a situation that most people haven't been through is that they can't understand it completely. People comprehend bits and pieces, but it's difficult to explain the entire story. That extra effort...

How do you explain that you're jealous of parents having sleepless nights, toddlers that don't listen to rules, or overnight throw-up? How do you explain that you want to complain about your child being sick? How do you explain how it feels when your child does better in 1 week than he did in 3 weeks in his mom's care?

How do you explain that you don't think of your child for most of the day, and yet, you feel like a part of you has been cut out? That extra effort...
===========================================
Skyscraper

Skies are crying, I am watching
Catching tear drops in my hands
Only silence as it's ending
Like we never had a chance
Do you have to make me feel like
There's nothing left of me?

You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper

As the smoke clears, I awaken
And untangle you from me
Would it make you feel better
To watch me while I bleed?
All my windows still are broken
But I'm standing on my feet

You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper

Go run, run, run
I'm gonna stay right here,
Watch you disappear
Yeah, oh
Go run, run, run
Yeah, it's a long way down
But I am closer to the clouds up here

You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Oh Oh
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper

(Like a skyscraper)

Like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper