The waters run deep

Addictions come in many forms, some obvious--drugs, alcohol, sex. Others are more obscure. I am addicted to safe choices. Whenever I think I progress, I realize that I have again made the path of least resistance. I like to think I do not do this consciously, but when the veil is lifted, I realize my subconscious has again "chosen" for me. Somehow, in spite of my desire to move on, I make the same choices, and then I wonder why the result is the same. Insanity, right??

People write songs and poetry about many emotions, situations, and people. As many songs as there are, none of them seem to state exactly what I feel. So, in an effort to explain my thought tonight, here is my first attempt in several years at some poetry.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Constant storms and crashing waves,
Empty hearts become living graves.
The boat is damaged and the lighthouse destroyed.
The cyclone within creates a void.

She desires to leave this island;
To go into the bright blue sky-
But when she jumps into the current,
The tide pushes her back like her master's spy.
The sirens beckon and call
Enticing her with please.
But the weights on her legs
Will keep her safe again for years in a deep freeze.

She tried to escape again yesterday.
And got rejected for her efforts.
For she had seen a mirage in the air.
And assumed they were comforts.
She overextended-much to her dismay,
And returned to her master's domain
When she realized her mistake.
She didn't see the rocks
She was warned were there.
Her only cries now plead that it's not fair.

She wants so badly to leave this island-
To be free to roam at will.
Yet, if every attempt raises an alarm.
What is the point of ever risking any harm?
She'll die on this island, they say.
Living on her shore next to the beautiful bay.
The beautiful bay where animals dwell.
Yet, all she is, is an empty shell.

October 2012

Masquerades

I love wearing masks and facades. It's very difficult to decide to make yourself vulnerable. It's one thing to decide to do it in theory; it's a completely different experience in practice. Every time I feel like I make progress beyond my past hangups, I get what I perceive to be a negative response or feedback and hide back behind my armor. When people know you to be one way that isn't the real person, even when they reject you, it doesn't really hurt all that much since it wasn't really you that they rejected. If you show someone your real personality, interests, opinions, etc., then when they decide there is something wrong with you, it is really you and not some character in a play or tv show that is lacking.

I've always been wary of trusting most people because in the past when I leaned on the people that were closest to me, the support tumbled out from under me--on more than one occasion and, in some cases, quite severe. There is also the impression in today's society that you should be able to handle all job titles and responsibilities thrown in your direction--yet another mask to add to the equation.

I'll be honest--I'm really freaked out at the moment. I am still on the diving board above the shark tank, but now I feel like I am just at the edge, and that as soon as I jump, it's either going to be a giant belly flop or a graceful 2 1/2 forward somersault pike. The problem is, my mind tells me it's going to be a belly flop to end all belly flops.

In the few minuscule moments where I actually relax, it's usually because I've been able to distract myself from my thoughts. When things get stressful, I can easily disassociate. The level of disassociation depends upon the intensity of the situation. For those of you not familiar, basically it means that I can separate mind from being in the moment. I'm not quite at the level of astral projection or borderline personality disorder, but in layman's terms, I "zone out" from the current situation and close myself off emotionally and become somewhat catatonic. Sometimes, I'm aware when it's happening and I can shake myself out of it, but other times, I'm not even aware until after it has passed. Trauma literally rewires the neurological connections in your brain, in much the same way alcohol and drugs does, due to the continued stress and production of cortisol, and affects development in psychological processing.

I had a slight anxiety attack earlier yesterday evening when mulling over a current situation. The problem with masks is that it is very exhausting keeping track of which ones are for which people. And, when I do let someone in more, I have to admit either that I lied to them or make them think they were incorrect on their side. Also, of course, I still run the risk of them rejecting the real me when I do remove the mask, so I haven't really addressed the original problem. When it's a bad day and someone asks me how I am doing, my answer is always F.I.N.E--freaked out, insecure, neurotic, and emotional. Truer words were never spoken.
______________________________________________________________________
"I'll Wear This Mask" - Carla Jae

I'll wear this mask for all of them,
I'll wear this mask until I find my skin,
And, I'll wear this mask until I come to you.
I'll stand before you exposed for who I am,
Who I am.

Every morning, I choose one of my many faces.
I go to work and do my job.
But ask why should I do this.
I'm not happy living this dream.
It wasn't mine to start with.
But I can't remember ever knowing myself to feel this.

So, I'll wear this mask for all of them.
I'll wear this mask until I find my skin,
And, I'll wear this mask until I come to you.
I'll stand before you exposed for who I am,
Who I am.

Every evening, all I ask from them is leave me be.
They don't realize I just want to get this face from me.
But, you have something I know can change me
You've made me smile again and given me time to just be.

I'll wear this mask for all of them.
I'll wear this mask until I find my skin.
I'll wear this mask until I come to you.
I'll stand before you exposed for who I am,
Who I am.

Just for you, I'll take away this mask.
Cause I just know you won't judge and you won't laugh.
Can you see all that you are to me?
You've set me free.

I'll wear this mask for all of them.
I'll wear this mask until I find my skin.
And, I'll wear this mask until I come to you.
I'll stand before you exposed for who I am,
Who I am.

Cliff Notes

My church had a retreat this past weekend titled "Beyond the Basics of Spiritual Maturity." There was a large amount of information passed around. I jotted down a few thoughts that stood out to me more than others. Some of them are things that others said, and some were thoughts that I took away from the weekend. They are not in any logical order. I just wrote them down as they came to me.

--It's not the external quiet we need to find-it's the internal.

--Everything we see in others, negative and positive, is what we see in ourselves.

--If you feel agitated, it is yourself that upsets you.

--We need to have quiet within in order to find God.

--God gave each of us a different way to Him.

--You have to have something to bounce off of; we need each other.

--We have to have someone further along than we are in our spiritual journey to lead us.

--Your spiritual father represents God.

--Do not make an important decision for 3 days. Pray about it and let your heart be calm.

--Converts just look like adult Orthodox. We are actually just babies, learning every day.

--Everything is individual; we are not cookie cutter copies of each other.

--We have to be open in order to receive any messages from God.

--Are we so busy with the rules we do not learn love?

--We all have one passion that we will struggle with to the end of our life. The reward is in getting back into the fight.

--We should give up everything to God--the good to become stronger, the bad to remove from our lives.

--When you think you are the furthest from God, that is when he is standing right beside you waiting on YOU to wake up and see the truth.

--Take care of your neighbor nearby before you attempt to save the world.

--Find peace inside yourself and others will be saved because of it, not because of anything you actually do.

--If you stay in the light of God for too long, you will be burned up.

--There is NOTHING you cannot lay down before God.

--What is important in your life??

--I verbally vomit everything in the hopes that someone will help me when God is the one that I should be turning to for help.

_______________________________________________________________________

"Blessed" - Brett Dennen

I welcome the sun,
the clouds and rain,
the wind that sweeps the sky clean
and lets the sun shine again.
this is the most magnificent life has ever been.
here is heaven and earth
and the brilliant sky in between.

blessed is this life
and I'm gonna celebrate being alive.
blessed is this life
and I'm gonna celebrate being alive

I dwell in the darkness
I live in the light
I sleep in the afternoon
and become the noise in the night.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Morning Comes" - Delta Rae

Oh, oh. I found a good woman, I found a job that pays.
The tide comes in, I watch it all wash away.
But I'm keeping it steady, that's just how I was raised
Head held up, walking tall into each broken wave

And this heart grows tired
I found a good woman
I found a job that pays
The tide comes in, I watch it all wash away
But I’m keeping it steady, that’s just how I was raised
Head held up walking tall into each breaking wave

’Cause the devil’s in the details and he’s taking his toll
Sending good men down the foot trails of some lost lonely souls

And I say oh, oh
Rain don’t change the sun
Jealous is the night when the morning comes
But it always comes

So I’m working the graveyard, I don’t sleep till it’s light
Ain’t calling in favors, I can’t swallow my pride
And the bank’s on a mission, they want to read me my rights
But they ever show up around here, they’re going to be in for a fight

’Cause the devil’s in my hometown and I ain’t telling him no
’Cause it’s my family, it’s my love now, that I’m scared to let go

And I say oh, oh
Rain don’t change the sun
Jealous is the night when the morning comes
But it always comes

Followed the track of my needle
Tried to be good to my people
So why’s there no peace?
No break no relief

Can I be blamed if I’m angry?
Can I be saved if I’m barely clinging to hope?
I’m clinging to hope

When I say oh, oh
Rain don’t change the sun
Jealous is the night when the morning comes
But it always comes

It always rains down on us
And like an old dog lying by a new gravestone
It’s still our home
It’s still our home

So if you ever feel like you are alone
After the night
The morning comes

Blessed

³Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

⁴Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

⁵Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.

⁶Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness,

for they will be filled.

⁷Blessed are the merciful, for they shall be shown mercy.

⁸Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.

⁹Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called the sons of God.

¹⁰Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

     ¹¹Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. ¹²Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you. (Matthew 5:3-12)

I've thought about the Beatitudes alot recently. The meek shall inherit the earth? The pure in heart will see God? Yeah, there's no way I'm getting in then! I love to brag my opinion and what I think to everyone. Some people think I am modest and sweet, but, really I'm just distrusting and quiet. When you really get to know me, I become more myself--blunt, abrasive, opinionated, stubborn, and condescending(But on the positive side--loyal, principled, persevering, and authentic.).

I always thought the Beatitudes were pretty self-explanatory, but I took them at face value. Poor in spirit meant the people that considered the earthly things to be nothing, the meek to be they that turned their cheek, and so on. This is, of course, all correct; but, it really only scratches the surface.

The overall theme in all of them is humility and the command to emulate children. Each quality is a stepping stone, not only in ways to endure the strife and hardships of this world, but even to enter into the Kingdom and receive your divine reward for this meager amount of suffering. Every verse is designed to instruct you that there is no hope of salvation without Christ, the Pantocrator, that He is "everywhere present and fillest all things," and only those who mourn their transgressions and stand fast in the face of evil will be rewarded with Heaven.

Sometimes it is easy to say, "I am not perfect," and be done with it. This is true, but I believe this is a cop-out. Just because you are not perfect does not mean you should settle with where you are and throw your hands in the air. If you are not an expert in your field, do you not do the necessary training and education to get there? People spend hours of their free time watching TV shows and celebrity chatter, and they can tell you all sorts of information about who did what with whom and where, yet because religion isn't exciting or easy, they give up at the first roadblock. I live in awe of the countless, and oftentimes un-credited, martyrs who had the strength and fortitude to give up themselves and live only for God. Knowing myself like I do, I highly doubt I will reach that level, but it does help to know that there are people, like us, throughout centuries who have been able to fight and ascend to greater heights of spirituality than most can fathom.

In no way do the Beatitudes suggest that any of this will be easy or that you will be happy. Blessed does not mean that you will be at peace in this life or have abundant wealth or have lots of power and fame. In Luke 6:26, Jesus said, "Woe to you when all men speak well of you, for that is how their fathers treated the false prophets." In fact, the 7th verse encourages you to stand strong in the face of unrighteous persecution. If you have no persecution in your life, most likely that is a way of telling you that you have been absorbed into the world.

What do I take away from all this? I have had it too easy. I have had a few minor setbacks lately, but all in all, I have stayed hidden from evil attacks-not that I desire troubles, of course.
________________________________________________________________________

I wrote this tonight at the request of a friend...

"Cocinero"

You create at the demand of some

You kill ending in the demise of others

Consistent but not predictable

You demand trust and respect

You give but do not take

You insist on seeing it through to the end

And allow for no mistakes

Hot tempers and cold nights

Your art is devoured and oft critiqued

No two pieces exactly the same

Many one night stands and a few long-term relationships

But nothing permanent with so many secrets

A blend of cultures and flavors

It is a tale for the ages.

Don't judge me and ignore the lack of punctuation, please. I am just too lazy to figure out the flow. :)

Progress Report

I know I said I would report on Tuesday, but I had internet issues. Technology...

The weekend went rather well. There was not much of an opportunity for what I perceived to be personal, in-depth conversations, so I was "safe" for the most part. I did try to speak up if I had an opinion on something, instead of hiding it like I do, so I guess that's something.

So, in some ways I passed and in some ways I cheated the whole purpose of the experiment. I would love to say I will do this on a daily basis, but I know that at the first sign of sharing, I will flee back into old patterns.

I enjoy making beeswax candles at a monastery I regularly travel to in Florida. The smell of the candleshop is so peaceful and relaxing, but also just the steadiness and repetition of winding the wick around the frame, dipping at just the right speed so there are no drips, bubbles, or warps, letting it dry, and then doing it all over again. In the beginning stages while the wax is still soft, it is fairly easy to correct the mistakes and start over if needed. After the candles have hardened and been cutoff the wire frames, it is still possible to get the wax off the wick, but it is much more difficult, and in extreme circumstances, you have to remelt the wax, filter out the contaminants, and add the melted wax back to the dipping tank.

"The comfort zone is a behavioural state within which a person operates in an anxiety-neutral condition, using a limited set of behaviours to deliver a steady level of performance, usually wihout a sense of risk."--Alisdair White

Comfort zones are a funny thing. They are strongly set in the growing years and after any type of perceived calamity, and, like the wax, it is possible to readjust the boundary lines, but it takes a stronger and more determined character the more entrenched one gets. They are called comfort zones for a reason. They make us feel safe and remove as much anxiety as we can avoid. They are in a variety of our areas, professional, lifestyle, relationships, etc. For many people, they help function through the daily rigmarole of life.

The problem with comfort zones is that many people will not push themselves outside of the comfort zone they have set up. The zone does avoid placing a large amount of stress on yourself, but it also eliminates opportunities for personal growth and rewards from taking risks. I say this to myself as well, since I am good at some areas of risk but not so great at others. My greatest weakness, or "area of opportunity" as you know, is in the area of personal relationships.

Many songwriters address the issue of attempting to love after having been burned or feeling scarred, so it's nice to know I'm not alone. There are lots of songs of getting back up and diving back into the "shark tank" or at least not leaving the diving board. Right now, it feels like I am on the diving board looking at everyone swimming and wishing I could be there but not willing to take the step off the end of the plank. This is coming from someone who loves to swim! :)

Ever wonder about what he's doingHow it all turned to liesSometimes I think that it's better to never ask why
Where there is desireThere is gonna be a flameWhere there is a flameSomeone's bound to get burnedBut just because it burnsDoesn't mean you're gonna dieYou've gotta get up and try try tryGotta get up and try try tryYou gotta get up and try try try
Eh, eh, eh
Funny how the heart can be deceivingMore than just a couple timesWhy do we fall in love so easyEven when it's not right
Where there is desireThere is gonna be a flameWhere there is a flameSomeone's bound to get burnedBut just because it burnsDoesn't mean you're gonna dieYou've gotta get up and try try tryGotta get up and try try tryYou gotta get up and try try try
Ever worried that it might be ruinedAnd does it make you wanna cry?When you're out there doing what you're doingAre you just getting by?Tell me are you just getting by by by
Where there is desireThere is gonna be a flameWhere there is a flameSomeone's bound to get burnedBut just because it burnsDoesn't mean you're gonna dieYou've gotta get up and try try tryGotta get up and try try try Pink - "Try"

I do appreciate comfort zones in that your soul cannot just constantly be in a state of stress going about your daily activities. Research shows that pushing yourself outside of comfort zones is beneficial, but if you go too far and overwhelm yourself before you are ready, it can actually be more harmful. I am not arguing that people should stay inside their bubbles, but how can you really tell if you're ready without just doing it? I think I have taken baby steps, but in this world of microwave-this and instant-that, it's hard to be patient and wait to see results. I don't mind negative information; I just don't like the not knowing. I know different people are placed in your life to push you and mold you and shape you in different areas. Sometimes, it's hard to determine the teachers from the keepers.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

HeyHeyDo you hear, do you hearThat soundIt's the sound of the lost gone foundIt's the sound of a mute gone loudIt's the sound of a new startKissWith a mouth of shooting starsOf lost and broken heartsUnafraid you can name your scarsWith a touch of a new heartIt sounds likeIt sounds likeIt sounds likeLadeedadadadada, dadadadadaNow, oh, now is the startOhAnd it goes with where you goDon't lose faith for the friendsYou don'tNeed a thing, you already knowYou are right as you areAnd it sounds likeIt sounds likeOh, it sounds likeLadeedadadadada, dadadadadaNow, nowLadeedadadadada, dadadadadaNow, ohNow is the start, ohNow is the startHey, hey, hey, heyNew start in the endThere is aNew heart under thereBeneath theseNew parts everywhereIt is a new, new, new, new startNow is the startIt sounds likeOh, it sounds likeOh, it sounds likeLadeedadadadada, dadadadadaNow, nowLadeedadadadada, dadadadadaNow, oh, now is the startOh, now is the startNow is the startNow is the startNow is the startNow is the startIt sounds likeIt sounds likeIt sounds like
A Fine Frenzy - "Now is the Start"

Jumping into the Shark Tank

"The best way to gain self-confidence is to do what you are afraid to do." - Unknown

Despite my fear of heights, I have been doing quite a bit of indoor rock climbing lately. Even though I am not yet able to climb extremely difficult routes or overhangs, I can tell some improvement, both in the level of routes I can climb and my technique, but also in powering through the mental roadblocks. I keep attacking and attempting the route until I have no strength left in my arms. Part of this is stubbornness, but the majority is just pushing past the desire to give up and quit. The yoga and abs classes don't hurt, either...

I've always been leery of intimate relationships, even though I do desire them. As you know, I am a believer in mantras. My recent self-improvement DIY project, slightly tied with forgiveness, is removing the belief that I am to blame for the abuse. I have talked about this previously, and I believe that it is my biggest roadblock to let myself fall into relationships completely. Somehow, when I remove the "mud" from my eyes, things will get better. I feel like I am starting to believe; although, right now, they are just baby steps, even so, it will be interesting to see how it changes me.

I like to think that I have improved in intimate relationships a little bit at least, even over the past few months. I'm trying to share more of my honest feelings, and I'm really, really trying not to run when it gets scary. I must have some kind of masochistic tendencies since I push myself outside of my comfort zone more often than not. It's a bit like holding your hand in the fire in the hopes of realizing it's a cooling sensation. I'm not sure if that's the best idea of attacking my anxieties, but there's no way to do it but to do it. :)

I'm not usually one to brag about myself, but I would like to say "Kudos" to me for the progress thus far. I'm not where I want to be, obviously; but, all I have is the hope that if I keep working towards bettering my situation, it will all be worth it in the end.

I like to pretend that I am honest with people as it regards direct questioning, and I am ashamed to admit that I was evasive this week with a friend. I did admit that I did not want to answer the question, but I still avoided actually answering anything. So, I am going to try to make a pledge to myself for this weekend. It is now just past midnight on Friday, so until Sunday 11:59 PM, I will try to be honest and blunt(nicely) with any questions anyone asks me, especially about feelings. I did say I like to play with fire, right?? Full (and honest) report to come on Monday.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Runaway" by Mat Kearney

Tonight you're letting go, under the burning glow

We're too young to hold this all on our own

All that came and went riding them by the winds

Blowing through the trees, she could feel it on her skin

Walking the lost streets, no one ever shares

Cry yourself to sleep, waiting on a little prayer

Bags are by the door, hearts are on the floor

There's a bottle of tears on the dresser drawer

Nobody knows the trouble we've seen

Nobody knows the price of this dream

And nobody knows what it took to believe

Nobody

She wants to be free, like a runaway, ay ay ay

Trying to believe, gonna find a way, ay ay ay ay

We got just one life, tonight we're running all the lights

Trying to break free, like a runaway ay ay ay ay ay

The road below our wheels, all that we fought to heal

You close your eyes and cry, dying for the right to feel

I hear it coming down, oh the sweetest sound

Of forgotten tears falling on the solid ground

Nobody knows the trouble we've seen

Nobody knows the price of this dream

And nobody knows what it took to believe

Nobody

She wants to be free, like a runaway ay ay ay

Trying to believe, gonna find a way ay ay ay ay

We got just one life, tonight we're running all the lights

Trying to break free, like a runaway ay ay ay ay ay

Oh oh oh oh

Oh oh oh oh

We're singing "How did we get this far riding on a shooting star? "

It's like flying on the wings of God

She wants to be free

Like a runaway ay ay ay

Trying to believe, gonna find a way ay ay ay ay

We got just on life, tonight we're running all the lights

Trying to break free, like a runaway ay ay ay ay ay

My secret identity

Shh. I am going to let you in on a secret. I am a sensitive person. I know, I know! This goes against everything you know about me. ;)

I try to project an image of self-reliance, control, and independence. This is a big, fat lie. While I tend to make up my own mind about issues and preferences, I do absorb opinions and commentary about myself from others. Whenever a friend or family member makes an off-hand remark about me or my life, I swallow it, play around with it in my mind, and adjust my view of myself based on this impression. I will admit this happens more often with negative remarks, even spoken in jest, than with positive ones. I minimize or justify the positive comments or pass the credit, but I accept the negative ones as truth. I think I am getting better about rejecting negative statements, but it is much like trying to conjure a Patronus charm. You have to believe in it before you can produce it, but you have to produce it before you can believe it enough to produce it. It sounds very much like "fake it 'til you make it." I do not blame the other person for saying anything, since it is not their fault for how I receive information.

I feel things very deeply. The benefit of this is that I feel compassion for others' suffering. I hate seeing people hurt, especially those closest to me. I suspect this is why God gave me a not-so-good father. I can relate to people who have had a less than Norman Rockwell family life. I am not trying to insinuate that those who have good family relations don't care, but you can never really fully appreciate someone's situation until you have been through the same, or at least similar, struggles.

Since I'm sharing secrets, I might as well add one more. Not everyone knows this, but I have hinted a couple of different times about my situation with my father. It would take too long a post to fill you in on the entire relationship, but the main chunk of it is that my adopted father sexually abused me. I'm not sure precisely when it began, but I suspect it started from roughly around 6 years old and continued off an on until my parents separated, and then from 16-18 it was the most frequent. I remember hearing about children that had been abused, and I would think, "Oh, those poor kids." Consciously, I had no idea that what I was going through was abuse. Something about abuse, though, is that while I may not have known I was abused at the time, I knew whatever was happening was wrong; however, I would internalize it. Especially in regards to the teenage years, I blame myself for what happened. Now, if any of my nieces or friends came to me and told me they were abused, I would NEVER blame them for anything that was done to them, and logically, I know this is true in my case as well. I don't know why my heart won't believe me or anyone else when I hear that. I have gone to therapy and gone to survivor groups as well. Both have helped, but I always come up against the same roadblocks. I don't want to talk about what has happened since there is no way to change it. I focus more on the effects.

 Basically, I get in my own way. I pride myself on being brave, straight shooter, and unimpressionable, but as we've seen from above, this is hardly the case. At the first sign of intimacy, I flee the other way. I will either pull away and shut myself away from you, or I will go the other extreme and give you all my baggage and "shock" you into leaving. I like to test people close to me. Thankfully, I have not always sabotaged my own life, and so I do have close friends in my life that I can turn to.

Seeing as the abuse was from my father, you can see that this affects my relationship with God. It took me approximately 24 years to begin my journey towards realizing God loves me and I only reached that realization this past April on Palm Sunday(Orthodox). Obviously, I still struggle.

This past weekend, my head went into a "bad" place. Someone made a comment, and I internalized it, and I began to doubt my relationship with someone compared to another friend. Of course, with everything begins a small seed. More doubts followed soon after, and then it transferred to God and the Theotokos. I could feel the spiritual attack planting more thoughts in my head and becoming angry and bitter. So, I cleaned. When I feel disturbed, I "stress" clean. Usually, you can tell how bothered I am internally with how busy I am keeping myself. If I am busy, I don't have time to think, right? I know God can handle anger. I'm not afraid at being angry at God, but I do worry about where dwelling in the anger will take me.

And, do you know what made me snap out of  bad 24-hour period? That's right, the same thing that always does--music!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You hold the weight of the world 

Still I don't slip through your hands 

Your love is bigger 

Than just a notion built by man 

I fall again and again 

But You whisper, "You're still mine" 

You feel the pain of the world 

But You never push mine aside 

And You reach for me 

With a love that quiets all my fears 

And You reach for me 

Like a Father wipes away the tears 

So many people in this world 

But I hear You calling out my name 

You reach for me 

Now I'm never gonna be the same 

You know all of my fears 

There's nothing Your eyes can't see 

When I tried to give up 

Lord, You never gave up on me 

I give You all of my hopes and dreams 

I lay them down 

Of all the place I've looked 

You're the one truth I have found 

And You reach for me 

With a love that quiets all my fears 

And You reach for me 

Like a Father wipes away the tears 

So many people in this world 

But I hear You calling out my name 

You reach for me 

Now I'm never gonna be the same 

You hold the weight of the world

Still I don't slip through Your hands 

You put the stars in the sky 

You know every grain of sand

But You reach for me 

With a love that quiets all my fears 

And You reach for me 

Like a Father wipes away the tears 

So many people in this world 

But I hear You calling out my 

You reach for me 

Now I'm never gonna be the same 

You reach for me

For me

Read more at http://www.songlyrics.com/peter-furler/reach-lyrics/#31T08fDwJk4YsfKy.99