Jumping into the Shark Tank

"The best way to gain self-confidence is to do what you are afraid to do." - Unknown

Despite my fear of heights, I have been doing quite a bit of indoor rock climbing lately. Even though I am not yet able to climb extremely difficult routes or overhangs, I can tell some improvement, both in the level of routes I can climb and my technique, but also in powering through the mental roadblocks. I keep attacking and attempting the route until I have no strength left in my arms. Part of this is stubbornness, but the majority is just pushing past the desire to give up and quit. The yoga and abs classes don't hurt, either...

I've always been leery of intimate relationships, even though I do desire them. As you know, I am a believer in mantras. My recent self-improvement DIY project, slightly tied with forgiveness, is removing the belief that I am to blame for the abuse. I have talked about this previously, and I believe that it is my biggest roadblock to let myself fall into relationships completely. Somehow, when I remove the "mud" from my eyes, things will get better. I feel like I am starting to believe; although, right now, they are just baby steps, even so, it will be interesting to see how it changes me.

I like to think that I have improved in intimate relationships a little bit at least, even over the past few months. I'm trying to share more of my honest feelings, and I'm really, really trying not to run when it gets scary. I must have some kind of masochistic tendencies since I push myself outside of my comfort zone more often than not. It's a bit like holding your hand in the fire in the hopes of realizing it's a cooling sensation. I'm not sure if that's the best idea of attacking my anxieties, but there's no way to do it but to do it. :)

I'm not usually one to brag about myself, but I would like to say "Kudos" to me for the progress thus far. I'm not where I want to be, obviously; but, all I have is the hope that if I keep working towards bettering my situation, it will all be worth it in the end.

I like to pretend that I am honest with people as it regards direct questioning, and I am ashamed to admit that I was evasive this week with a friend. I did admit that I did not want to answer the question, but I still avoided actually answering anything. So, I am going to try to make a pledge to myself for this weekend. It is now just past midnight on Friday, so until Sunday 11:59 PM, I will try to be honest and blunt(nicely) with any questions anyone asks me, especially about feelings. I did say I like to play with fire, right?? Full (and honest) report to come on Monday.
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"Runaway" by Mat Kearney

Tonight you're letting go, under the burning glow

We're too young to hold this all on our own

All that came and went riding them by the winds

Blowing through the trees, she could feel it on her skin

Walking the lost streets, no one ever shares

Cry yourself to sleep, waiting on a little prayer

Bags are by the door, hearts are on the floor

There's a bottle of tears on the dresser drawer

Nobody knows the trouble we've seen

Nobody knows the price of this dream

And nobody knows what it took to believe

Nobody

She wants to be free, like a runaway, ay ay ay

Trying to believe, gonna find a way, ay ay ay ay

We got just one life, tonight we're running all the lights

Trying to break free, like a runaway ay ay ay ay ay

The road below our wheels, all that we fought to heal

You close your eyes and cry, dying for the right to feel

I hear it coming down, oh the sweetest sound

Of forgotten tears falling on the solid ground

Nobody knows the trouble we've seen

Nobody knows the price of this dream

And nobody knows what it took to believe

Nobody

She wants to be free, like a runaway ay ay ay

Trying to believe, gonna find a way ay ay ay ay

We got just one life, tonight we're running all the lights

Trying to break free, like a runaway ay ay ay ay ay

Oh oh oh oh

Oh oh oh oh

We're singing "How did we get this far riding on a shooting star? "

It's like flying on the wings of God

She wants to be free

Like a runaway ay ay ay

Trying to believe, gonna find a way ay ay ay ay

We got just on life, tonight we're running all the lights

Trying to break free, like a runaway ay ay ay ay ay