Tortoise vs. the Hare - Part 1

I do not like New Year's resolutions. I think people intend good things with them, but usually, someone makes a dramatic statement about how this is going to be the year they run a marathon, lose 50 pounds, travel the world, complete their bucket list, etc. and then by the end of January, real life and their familiar comfort zones beckon, and the intended dreams fall by the wayside. I think the reason it bothers me is that it does not cultivate a "Change now!" mentality. Anyone that talks about goal setting and life coaching will tell you that if you want to make a change, you just do it. Nothing grand about it, just make one change that day. The next day, either decide again to make that change or build upon it until it becomes a habit. Habits and practice are the only way to make an everlasting change.

Hello. I am the pot calling the kettle black.

I do not like New Year's resolutions, but I do like the end of the year and reflecting on where I've been the past 12 months and whether I've grown or stagnated. When I think about December 2012 and read some things I wrote during that time, I have a mixture of satisfaction and frustration. Satisfaction, obviously, is for the positive changes in my life. This is easy to mull over, mentally mark as complete, and file away. The frustrations are more interesting, usually. Despite the growth I know I have made year over year, I tend to still view life as an awkward 16-year old trying to determine what things mean. I do not know if this ever goes away.

For this particular year, I know for certain I have made spiritual progress. I do not say that in an arrogant "I am closer to God" way, but just a realistic self-evaluation. It often feels as though I am just beginning my spiritual journey with God. I think I have progressed so far ahead and then the curtain falls back and I realize just how far I have to go. I think this year's big focus for me has been realizing and accepting Divine Grace. Growing up in an environment where affection and value had to be earned, it has been a long mental struggle allowing myself to believe that just being God's adopted child is enough.

I would get jealous when I heard of people that had some sort of epiphany one day about their religious life. I never had an "Aha!" moment where I instantly realized that I was a "Christian" in every sense of the word. When I consider that now, however, I don't know that an instant moment is what I would need to make an everlasting change. God clearly already knows that about me.

I am better off setting a foundation, building upon it until it's set in stone, and then moving on to the next stage. I have always considered myself to be more of an endurance person than a sprinter, and this filters into all facets of my life: work, relationships, health, hobbies, etc. My intent is not to downplay those who have another view, but I see the quicker things as superficial, rushed, inauthentic, and half-hearted.

Unfortunately, like many others, I learn best in hindsight. Trial and error have been my best teachers. As you already know, I am inarguably stubborn and I have trouble listening to the advice of others. I have to fall on my own face before I will listen to someone telling me the way is treacherous and slippery. I rarely realize in the moment that I have changed. It is not until later that I realize the progress over the past month/year/etc., when I take stock in where I am, and realize that something is different. I do like surprises, though...
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MercyMe - Shake

I just can't believe
Where my life was at
All that I know is that my heart was broken
And I don't ever wanna go back

Ain't no explanation
How I saw the light
He found me and set me free
And it brought me back to life

Blame it on the transformation
Changed down to the core
His love is real
And I can't sit still
Cuz my name's not shamed no more

Great God Almighty, gonna change this
Great God Almighty, He gonna change me

You gotta shake, shake, shake
Like you're changed, changed, changed
Brand new looks so good on you
So shake like you've been changed

Come on and shake, shake
Shake like you've been changed
Shake, shake, shake like you changed
Maybe He came to you
When everything seemed fine
Or maybe your world was upside down and hit you right between the eyes
No matter when it happened
At 7 or 95
Move your feet ‘cause you are free
And you've never been more alive

You gotta shake, shake, shake
Like you're changed, changed, changed
Brand new looks so good on you
So shake like you've been changed

Come on and shake, shake, shake
Shake like you changed, changed, changed
Shake, shake, shake like you changed
Brand new looks so good on you
So shake like you've been changed
Come on and shake, shake, shake
Shake like you changed, changed, changed
Shake, shake, shake like you changed
Shake, Shake

Great God Almighty gonna change me
Great God Almighty, He gone and changed me
No matter when it happened
At 7 or 95
Move your feet, ‘cause you are free
And you've never been more alive

Relationships Revisited

Relationships, oh, how you mock me.

I feel at a crossroads right now. I have recently been trying again to focus on my personal relationship with God and making him my source of love, strength, and healing. I haven't been using this as a retreat from the world-more of a regrouping. Each time I attempt to have this happen, somehow a distraction appears. Not always a bad distraction-usually, it is something very good, but a distraction nonetheless.

I  believe I have mentioned before, but I am a very literal person. I understand metaphors, but I always wonder the origins and the reasoning for an individual phrase. On my way to vespers for St. Nicholas tonight, I listened to a song that talked about moving mountains. I considered the referenced bible verse:

"Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” (Matthew 17:20)

When I was little, I thought it literally meant to move physical mountains. I should be able to rearrange the earth, right? I thought I lacked faith because I couldn't even get a grain of sand to move with my prayers. You may laugh now, but this was a serious concern for me, and I inferred that I must not love God enough, and that he wasn't listening to me because I just didn't believe hard enough.

Of course, I came to understand that it meant trials in life and overcoming the temporary frailties of this life. More recently though, I have considered that maybe it does not mean removing the trials, but just removing the consternation and conflicting emotions that the trials bring that cause separation from God. The trials themselves are rarely the issue. It is the surrounding doubts, internal turmoil, and resulting insecurities that cause the biggest damage. 

One thing I've learned in 2013 is that I am an idol worshipper. I don't care about celebrities, gold statues, fast cars, etc., but I put several things ahead of God. It doesn't always grieve me to upset God, but I get emotional about things I have attached to here in this life. I am almost certain God doesn't give me a couple of things I currently ask for because He knows it will just deter me from seeking Him. We'll see who's more stubborn... ;)

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We Won't Be Shaken - Building 429

This world has nothing for me
This life is not my own
I know you go before me
And I am not alone
This mountain rises higher
This way seems so unclear
But I know that you go with me
I will trust in you

Whatever will come my way
Through fire or pouring rain
We won't be shaken
No we won't be shaken
Whatever tomorrow brings
Together we'll rise and sing
That we won't be shaken
Oooh Oh Oh
Oooh Oh Oh
Oooh Oh Oh
No we won't be shaken

You know my every longing
You've heard my every prayer
You've held me in my weakness
Cause you are always there
So I'll stand in full surrender
It's your way and not my own
My mind is set on nothing less
Than you and you alone
I will not be moved oh

Whatever will come my way
Through fire or pouring rain
We won't be shaken
No we won't be shaken
Whatever tomorrow brings
Together we'll rise and sing
That we won't be shaken