Relationships Revisited

Relationships, oh, how you mock me.

I feel at a crossroads right now. I have recently been trying again to focus on my personal relationship with God and making him my source of love, strength, and healing. I haven't been using this as a retreat from the world-more of a regrouping. Each time I attempt to have this happen, somehow a distraction appears. Not always a bad distraction-usually, it is something very good, but a distraction nonetheless.

I  believe I have mentioned before, but I am a very literal person. I understand metaphors, but I always wonder the origins and the reasoning for an individual phrase. On my way to vespers for St. Nicholas tonight, I listened to a song that talked about moving mountains. I considered the referenced bible verse:

"Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” (Matthew 17:20)

When I was little, I thought it literally meant to move physical mountains. I should be able to rearrange the earth, right? I thought I lacked faith because I couldn't even get a grain of sand to move with my prayers. You may laugh now, but this was a serious concern for me, and I inferred that I must not love God enough, and that he wasn't listening to me because I just didn't believe hard enough.

Of course, I came to understand that it meant trials in life and overcoming the temporary frailties of this life. More recently though, I have considered that maybe it does not mean removing the trials, but just removing the consternation and conflicting emotions that the trials bring that cause separation from God. The trials themselves are rarely the issue. It is the surrounding doubts, internal turmoil, and resulting insecurities that cause the biggest damage. 

One thing I've learned in 2013 is that I am an idol worshipper. I don't care about celebrities, gold statues, fast cars, etc., but I put several things ahead of God. It doesn't always grieve me to upset God, but I get emotional about things I have attached to here in this life. I am almost certain God doesn't give me a couple of things I currently ask for because He knows it will just deter me from seeking Him. We'll see who's more stubborn... ;)

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We Won't Be Shaken - Building 429

This world has nothing for me
This life is not my own
I know you go before me
And I am not alone
This mountain rises higher
This way seems so unclear
But I know that you go with me
I will trust in you

Whatever will come my way
Through fire or pouring rain
We won't be shaken
No we won't be shaken
Whatever tomorrow brings
Together we'll rise and sing
That we won't be shaken
Oooh Oh Oh
Oooh Oh Oh
Oooh Oh Oh
No we won't be shaken

You know my every longing
You've heard my every prayer
You've held me in my weakness
Cause you are always there
So I'll stand in full surrender
It's your way and not my own
My mind is set on nothing less
Than you and you alone
I will not be moved oh

Whatever will come my way
Through fire or pouring rain
We won't be shaken
No we won't be shaken
Whatever tomorrow brings
Together we'll rise and sing
That we won't be shaken