True commitment seems like a rare thing these days. With so many options available and everyone wanting an instant, get-rich/thin/famous-quick life story, the appeal of endurance has slightly lost its luster. People are reluctant to get involved or stick things out past the rough patches. Jobs are changed every couple of years, romantic relationships are exchanged every couple of months when it "didn't work out", and friends are lost by the wayside as people migrate to other cities, states, and sometimes even countries.
When you are placed into a psychiatric institution("mental ward"), you are "committed", and maybe commitment is a little crazy. It does take some nerves, dedication, and oftentimes, idiocy to be dedicated to something so devoutly. It is the opposite of sanity, occasionally, when everything inside you is telling you to get out and you ignore that and dive right back into the midst of the battle.
With promises being so important to me, you would think commitment would be very important to me. And, it is, BUT... I am commitment-phobic. That's right. I'm putting it out there. I stress myself out so much, that I rarely try things in case they fail. Yep, I plan on failing from the start. The funny thing is that I am much better at being committed to other people's problems than my own. I am one of the best sideline cheerleaders you'll ever meet, and while I do get some sort of pleasure and satisfaction about helping others with bettering their lives, it is really more of a distraction/avoidance technique for me. If I'm focusing on others, I don't need to look at what I need to improve.
My introspective self swings like a pendulum. On one end, I know myself and my insecurities, strengths, coping mechanisms, etc. On the other end, I put on blinders and become oblivious and stagnant in my personal, and sometimes spiritual, life. It isn't until someone removes the mud from my eyes that I realize where I've ended up.
I find this all somewhat amusing because, despite my commitment phobia issues, I really am more of an endurance/in-it-for-the-longer-haul kind of person. My sister was always the one that had the spark and the bright, shiny packaging, while I meld into the background, like a slow-burning ember in the fire. She was the show-quality Poodle or Thoroughbred race horse, while I was the mutt or the wild mustang, whom nobody gave a second glance. It used to bother me a lot, but while the thoughts of feeling lesser have not disappeared, they have slightly diminished. I realize that, while there are people that will prefer that type of person, there are others who are more "my type" of friends and colleagues.
I am surprised sometimes that I have remained Orthodox this long. Not because I don't love the church or because I have doubts, but because it has required lots of commitment. Some of the spiritual struggles have been difficult, and there have been several times where I have debated the validity and the point of it all and considered throwing in the towel. But, much like any personal relationship, I find myself empty and missing without it. I'll admit there are times I do just coast along without doing any real spiritual healing or diagnosing, but the majority of the time, Orthodoxy fills the majority of my soul, with personal relationships, work, and various other parts of life, filling in the rest.
Would I say I am committed to God? I would like to say yes, but the truth is, I really have no idea. It's easy to say in a time period where words mean nothing and persecution is not blatant, but if it came down to me losing my head or spending time in jail? I can't honestly be sure, and that just makes me sad. God is committed to ME and my salvation; why can't I be the same to Him?
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Love Alone is Worth the Fight - Switchfoot
I'm trying to find where my place is
I'm looking for my own oasis
So close I can taste this
The fear that love alone erases
So I'm back to the basics
I figure it's time I face this
Time to take my own advice
Love alone is worth the fight
Love alone is worth the fight
And I never thought it'd come to this
But it seems like I'm finally feeling numb to this
The funny thing about a name is
You forget what the reason you were playing the game is
And it's all an illusion
A 21st century institution
So I'm headed down the open road unknown
And we find what we're made of
Through the open door
Is it fear you're afraid of?
What are you waiting for?
Love alone is worth the fight
Love alone is worth the fight
We're only here for a season
I'm looking for the rhyme and reason
Why you're born, why you're leaving
What you fear and what you believe in
Why you're living and breathing
Why you're fighting it and getting it even
Let's go headed down the open road unknown
And we find what we're made of
Through the open door
Is it fear you're afraid of?
What are you waiting for?
Love alone is worth the fight
Love alone is worth the fight
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