Overall, the feeling of overwhelming loss has diminished, but periodically, I'll think of memories with Basil, and I start to tear up. Warm days spent walking and hiking outside remind me of a frolicky puppy that was willing to go wherever I wanted. Cold days under blankets remind me of a mellow body pillow that was attuned to my needs. Overall, the largest impact is his departure has left me feeling alone.
I realize I have friends and family that love me; however, at the end of the day, everyone has his own life. Even best friends can only be there so often. When everyone goes home, it's just me on my own as always. I haven't had much stability in my life and not too many people I can rely on implicitly, so when I have something that lasted 12 years that is no longer there, it feels much like a shockwave, and I'm still feeling the ripples and finding my balance.
One thing I've been repeatedly reminded of during this past Lenten season (that God keeps trying to tell me in multiple ways but I have yet to learn) is that relying on anything other than God will disappoint you. I'm sure you're thinking, "Duh! How have you not realized this before?!" As stated previously, I have "learned" this before, but I need reminders, sometimes a sledgehammer to the brain, every so often to keep me in check.
Other than losing Basil, several human relationships changed during the first part of this year. People left, are going to leave, or in some way, emotionally changed. All of this is to remind me that I DON'T have total faith and trust in God, and I make idols of many other things in my life. I only love God as much as is necessary (if even that) to claim to be a struggling Christian. I've thought many times about what it would look like if I truly loved God and wanted to please Him and be with Him. I don't know that I even want to go to Heaven at this point. If Heaven is where God is, and I don't love Him enough on this earth, why would I want to spend eternity with Him?
Therefore, God has to repeatedly pull things away from me that take my focus off Him so that I can remember that He is the only constant in my life, and while people are wonderful blessings(even the "challenging" ones), they are not to be placed in any position of worship or idolatry, as I am wont to do. Maybe, just maybe, one of these years, I will be able to learn this simple, yet difficult, lesson.
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This Was From ME
(Long but beautiful)
Have you ever thought that everything that touches you touches Me as well? For that which touches you touches the apple of My eye.
You are dear in my eyes, precious, and I have loved you; therefore it is a particular pleasure for Me to educate you.
When temptations arise against you, and the enemy comes like a river, I want you to know—This was from Me.
Your weakness needs My strength, and your safety comes from giving Me the opportunity to fight for you. If you find yourself in difficult circumstances, among people who do not understand you, who do not take what you like into consideration, who alienate you—This was from Me.
I am God, Who arranges circumstances. It was no accident that you find yourself in the place where you are; this is the place I have appointed for you. Did you not ask that I teach you humility? Well, then, look: I have placed you in precisely that place, in that school, where this lesson is learned. Your surroundings and those who live with you are only fulfilling My will. If you find yourself in financial difficulty, if you find it hard to make ends meet—This was from Me.
For I have your material means at my disposal. I want you to call unto me, for you to be dependent upon Me. My reserves are inexhaustible. I want you to be confirmed in fidelity to Me and to My promises. May it not be said to you in your need: “You did not believe in the Lord your God.”
Are you in a night of suffering? Are you separated from your loved ones and those close to your heart? This was from Me.
I am the Man of suffering, Who has tasted affliction. I have allowed this so that you would turn to Me, so that in Me you would find eternal comfort. If you have been let down by your friend, to someone to whom you opened your heart—This was from Me.
I allowed this disappointment to touch you so that you would know that your best friend is the Lord. I want you to bring everything to Me and to speak to Me.
Has someone slandered you? Give this to me, and bring your soul closer to Me, your Refuge, to hide from the “contradiction of the nations.” I shall bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your judgment as the noonday. If your plans have been destroyed, if you are downtrodden in soul and tired—This was from Me.
You made plans, and brought them to Me, so that I would bless them. But I want you to leave Me in charge of the circumstances of your life, and then responsibility for everything will be Mine, for this is too difficult for you; by yourself you can not manage them, for you are only an instrument, and not the actor. If unanticipated problems of life have visited you, and if despondency has seized your heart, then know—This was from Me.
For I want your heart and your soul to be always aflame before My eyes; to conquer faint-heartedness of the soul in My name. If you do not hear from your dear ones and friends for a long time, and in your faint-heartedness fall into despondency and grumbling, know—This was from Me.
By this anguish in your spirit, I test the strength of your faith in the surety of My promise and the strength of your boldness in prayer for these dear ones of yours. Was it not you who entrusted them to the Protection of My All-Pure Mother? Was it not you who once entrusted their care to My providential love? If serious illness, either temporary or incurable, has visited you, and has confined to your bed, then know—This was from Me.
For I want you to know Me even more deeply in you bodily infirmities, so that you would not grumble over this trial sent to you, that you would not try to penetrate My plans through different means for the salvation of people’s souls, but that you would uncomplainingly and submissively bow you neck under My goodness towards you. If you have dreamed of performing some special deed for Me, and instead haven fallen onto a bed of sickness and weakness—This was from Me.
Then you would have been immersed in your activities, and I would not have been able to attract your thoughts to Me, for I want to teach you My deepest thoughts and lessons, so that you would be in My service. I want to teach you to recognize that you are nothing. Some of My best co-workers are those who have been cut off from vital activity, that they would learn to wield the weapon of unceasing prayer.
Have you unexpectedly been called to occupy a difficult and responsible position? Go, place it on Me. I entrust these difficulties to you so that the Lord God would bless you for this in all your deeds, on all your paths, in everything that will done by your hands. On this day I put into your hands a vessel of holy oil. Use it generously, My children! Every difficulty that arises, every word that insults you, every obstacle to your work that could elicit in you a feeling of annoyance, every revelation of your weakness and inability, shall be anointed with this oil.
Remember that every obstacle is a Divine instruction. Every sting will be dulled when you learn to see Me in everything that touches you. Therefore place the word I have declared to you today in your heart: This was from Me. For this is not an empty matter for you—this is your life.
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