Atlas Forgot to Shrug

"You're second-rate."

"You're a convenience-only friend."

"People will always forget about you."

"You're only the option when there's nothing better."

These thoughts have been in my head in some form or another for so long, I don't even remember a time without them. On good days, I can brush them off and feel secure of my place in people's lives. They glimmer so faintly, I don't even remember they are there. On a bad day, it's a completely different story. I justify why I feel the way I do and recite any examples where I am validated for why I should feel this way. It's a dangerous spiral into depression, and there is no algorithm to determine how long it will last or what will snap me out of it.

I know I'm not "first-string" in anybody's life, rarely even "second-string", but sometimes, it feels like I'm the last option if nothing else has panned out. It's quite a crushing blow to feel like your own life movie has others cast as the movie stars and you're resigned to a supporting role.

While I do confess to constantly wanting people to idolize me, the reality is that I hate being in the spotlight. I like recognition for my contributions but not being the center of attention. A friend mentioned to me that I don't jump in and make myself part of activities and groups. This is something I don't anticipate ever happening with general groups. I will NEVER push myself into an area where I don't feel wanted. Of course, this stems from abandonment issues initiated from the adoption and repeatedly reinforced by a lack of a stable and loving environment at home, PTSD, and a few other experiences.

What is that I fear necessarily? I worry that I will become a burden upon friends, and they, in turn, will feel I do not have enough value to keep in their life. So, I lose my identity, become whatever they need me to be, do whatever needs doing, and keep up the nice, shiny image they want to see. It's all a game of smoke and mirrors, my friends.

People often comment on how strong and capable I am of taking care of things, for myself and for others. The truth is: I barely manage to keep my life balanced and on an even course. I don't WANT to have to fight my own life battles. It's not that I want to play the "damsel in distress"; I hate that portrayal, but admittedly, it would be nice to have someone just to share the emotional burden with, someone who's on my side(even if it means being against me in a discussion). They don't have to actually DO anything for me or fight the battles. Just having someone I can emotionally vomit to makes a huge impact.

Why do I not share this emotional weight with friends? Because it's not the same. Friends have their own commitments and obligations, especially if they have a romantic relationship or children. Yes, I may ask people for help every now and then, but one thing I've learned through the years is that with juggling all the varied responsibilities in my life, if I entrust someone with one and they "drop the ball", then I am the one left picking up the pieces. I realize I cannot remain (healthily) closed off from everyone, but it just reinforces being super selective with who is granted a key to my world.

What is the solution to this? I don't have the answer right now. I have been trying to process a lot of thoughts and questioning my reasoning (trying to do this logically and rationally) about why I do things. I'm trying to implement healthy habits and actually admit when I'm having a not-so-good day. It's a slow process. I haven't seen any visible change yet, but I'm determined it will happen eventually.

==============================================
Burden

I never meant to be a burden
Oh I just worry more than I’d like to
I never meant to be a burden
Please forgive me if I’ve weighed on you

For so long I have lived amongst the shadows
Waiting for the sun to break on through
Oh it’s time I cast my oars and head out on these shores
And find some place where I can start anew

I never meant to be a burden
Oh I just worry more than I’d like to
I never meant to be a burden
Please forgive me if I’ve weighed on you

Oh forgive if I’ve weighed upon your back
It’s so heavy already without me
Going ahead into this abyss and find my own way out of this
So you can walk ahead more easily

I never meant to be a burden
But you're the light that is guiding me through
I never meant to be a burden
Please forgive me if I’ve weighed on you