Boring is Underrated

I am suffering from some serious baby envy right now. Ugh. I finally admit that I am a girl/woman. I want to get married and have kids. I've been trying to come up with a good, selfless reason why I would want to do this, and I have nothing. Zip. Zilch. Nada. I don't want to have a family for any other reason than because I want one.

I don't expect some sort of fairytale or Hollywood romance with fireworks and a novel-worthy storyline. If I'm honest, I should admit that I have a romanticized image of two old people doing the mundane, ordinary day-to-day activities and just reveling in the fact that someone has been through the thick and thin with you for ~50 years.

Since it is after the New Year, people have been asking me what my resolution is for this year. I just make some sarcastic comment(shocking, I know!), but I have several resolutions. Some carry over from last year, of course, and most of them I won't share with anyone else, but all of them relate to breaking out of my shell and cocoon that I have remained in for approximately 15 years now.

This past week was the 1-year anniversary of losing Basil. While I tend to equate my feelings for him as more of a parent/child than pet or partner, it's not as intimate or vulnerable as a human-human relationship. I still miss the crap out of that little bugger, but I also know that is only a minor equivalent to what I will feel with a close human loss(father's death notwithstanding); however, building my life around dogs is too seductive because dogs don't require much of you emotionally. They love you. You yell at them. They look sad. You give them a treat or a hug. It is such a minimal amount of risk for your heart.

The problem is that I still live in a bubble of fear––fear of things that I don't particularly care to share here, but needless to say, there are too many of them. I am where I am in my life due to fear of change and the unwillingness to do things differently because there hasn't been enough of an impetus to move forward. Inside this bubble, I am "safe" and I know how things operate and I can function through the day-to-day.

Recently, I learned of a "Rejection Therapy" product. Like most of the world, I maneuver my life in such a way that I receive a minimal amount of rejection. I have purchased the cards, and my intent is to create opportunities in which I am forced to be outside of my comfort zone. The goal of this particular program is to make it so that rejections sting less each time, and you build yourself up to bigger risks and opportunities. I am excited and extremely nervous about doing this, but I dislike being stagnant in personal growth, and I definitely think the rewards will outweigh the cost.

My hope is that this will also increase my openness in being vulnerable to people in general. If my goal is to have a family, then I have to be open to rejection in order to make it happen. Blech! I must drink the medicine, I suppose...
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Thinking Out Loud

When your legs don't work like they used to before
And I can't sweep you off of your feet
Will your mouth still remember the taste of my love?
Will your eyes still smile from your cheeks?

And, darling, I will be loving you 'til we're 70
And, baby, my heart could still fall as hard at 23
And I'm thinking 'bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways
Maybe just the touch of a hand
Well, me—I fall in love with you every single day
And I just wanna tell you I am

So honey now
Take me into your loving arms
Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars
Place your head on my beating heart
I'm thinking out loud
That maybe we found love right where we are

When my hair's all but gone and my memory fades
And the crowds don't remember my name
When my hands don't play the strings the same way
I know you will still love me the same

'Cause honey your soul could never grow old, it's evergreen
And, baby, your smile's forever in my mind and memory
I'm thinking 'bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways
Maybe it's all part of a plan
Well, I'll just keep on making the same mistakes
Hoping that you'll understand

But, baby, now
Take me into your loving arms
Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars
Place your head on my beating heart
Thinking out loud
That maybe we found love right where we are

So, baby, now
Take me into your loving arms
Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars
Oh, darling, place your head on my beating heart
I'm thinking out loud
That maybe we found love right where we are
Oh, baby, we found love right where we are
And we found love right where we are




Acoustic version