Square Peg, Round Hole

"The worst solitude is to be destitute of sincere friendship."

If I'm being honest, I should admit that I am a horrible friend. I do not say this out of false modesty, but rather an objective account of my interpersonal skills with my community. How do I expect to be a good wife if I cannot even be a good friend?

I remember reading a blog post a couple of years ago that really resonated with me(although I cannot find it now). The author was talking about 2 different types of friends, essentially a "first-responder" friend and a "builder" friend. The difference is that the first-responders are great when you have trauma and catastrophes in your life, but they aren't there for the daily struggle, for the constant roller coaster of life. I am fabulous at being there when a need arises, but I don't do anything to maintain the long-term relationship. It's almost like being a rock skipping across a pond. I land just long enough to make brief contact, and then I'm off again.

I'm only a friend when it's easy. Nothing is required of me. All I need to do is smile politely, show or tell people what they want to see, and share just enough to make me seem intimate and "real", but not too needy. It's easy to relate to people only in one capacity and compartmentalize certain types of friendships I have.

I still struggle with trying to make friendships fit what I want them to be so they benefit me. One of my current friendships frustrates me because I want something different, but I'm so fearful of rejection and losing the person that I will most likely never push for something more or accept the fact that our friendship isn't fitting the box I want to put it in.  My insecurities come out of the woodwork, and I find myself clinging to the very thing that I should be letting go. Can we say hamster wheel??

I'm not even a good friend to myself. I am completely a fair-weather fan of me. As long as everything is moving along smoothly, I'm upbeat, complimentary of my characteristics, and accepting even of my faults. As soon as something goes wrong, I spin around into a 180-degree thought process and become the judge and jury and sentence myself to a life sentence without any hope of parole.

Despite the spiritual struggles and attacks during Lent, it's actually a fairly "easy" season for me. I excel at seeing why I should be remorseful about my pride and selfishness towards God and my fellow man. Stepping through the gate into the Paschal season is difficult. I still find myself being wary about accepting God's grace because deep down, I do not trust God completely(or even halfway, really). I only want to be a Christian as much as is necessary for me to seem "good". I don't like having to struggle, and while, yes, logically, I see the benefit in it, I am lazy and want to take the easy way out. Until that is fixed, I'm afraid this will be a long ride on the hamster wheel.

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Dionne Warwick - That's What Friends Are For

And I never thought I'd feel this way
And as far as I'm concerned
I'm glad I got the chance to say
That I do believe, I love you

And if I should ever go away
Well, then close your eyes and try
To feel the way we do today
And then if you can remember

Keep smiling, keep shining
Knowing you can always count on me, for sure
That's what friends are for
For good times and bad times

I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for

Well, you came in loving me
And now there's so much more I see
And so by the way
I thank you

Oh and then for the times when we're apart
Well, then close your eyes and know
The words are coming from my heart
And then if you can remember

Keep smiling and keep shining
Knowing you can always count on me, for sure

That's what friends are for
In good times and bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for

Boring is Underrated

I am suffering from some serious baby envy right now. Ugh. I finally admit that I am a girl/woman. I want to get married and have kids. I've been trying to come up with a good, selfless reason why I would want to do this, and I have nothing. Zip. Zilch. Nada. I don't want to have a family for any other reason than because I want one.

I don't expect some sort of fairytale or Hollywood romance with fireworks and a novel-worthy storyline. If I'm honest, I should admit that I have a romanticized image of two old people doing the mundane, ordinary day-to-day activities and just reveling in the fact that someone has been through the thick and thin with you for ~50 years.

Since it is after the New Year, people have been asking me what my resolution is for this year. I just make some sarcastic comment(shocking, I know!), but I have several resolutions. Some carry over from last year, of course, and most of them I won't share with anyone else, but all of them relate to breaking out of my shell and cocoon that I have remained in for approximately 15 years now.

This past week was the 1-year anniversary of losing Basil. While I tend to equate my feelings for him as more of a parent/child than pet or partner, it's not as intimate or vulnerable as a human-human relationship. I still miss the crap out of that little bugger, but I also know that is only a minor equivalent to what I will feel with a close human loss(father's death notwithstanding); however, building my life around dogs is too seductive because dogs don't require much of you emotionally. They love you. You yell at them. They look sad. You give them a treat or a hug. It is such a minimal amount of risk for your heart.

The problem is that I still live in a bubble of fear––fear of things that I don't particularly care to share here, but needless to say, there are too many of them. I am where I am in my life due to fear of change and the unwillingness to do things differently because there hasn't been enough of an impetus to move forward. Inside this bubble, I am "safe" and I know how things operate and I can function through the day-to-day.

Recently, I learned of a "Rejection Therapy" product. Like most of the world, I maneuver my life in such a way that I receive a minimal amount of rejection. I have purchased the cards, and my intent is to create opportunities in which I am forced to be outside of my comfort zone. The goal of this particular program is to make it so that rejections sting less each time, and you build yourself up to bigger risks and opportunities. I am excited and extremely nervous about doing this, but I dislike being stagnant in personal growth, and I definitely think the rewards will outweigh the cost.

My hope is that this will also increase my openness in being vulnerable to people in general. If my goal is to have a family, then I have to be open to rejection in order to make it happen. Blech! I must drink the medicine, I suppose...
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Thinking Out Loud

When your legs don't work like they used to before
And I can't sweep you off of your feet
Will your mouth still remember the taste of my love?
Will your eyes still smile from your cheeks?

And, darling, I will be loving you 'til we're 70
And, baby, my heart could still fall as hard at 23
And I'm thinking 'bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways
Maybe just the touch of a hand
Well, me—I fall in love with you every single day
And I just wanna tell you I am

So honey now
Take me into your loving arms
Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars
Place your head on my beating heart
I'm thinking out loud
That maybe we found love right where we are

When my hair's all but gone and my memory fades
And the crowds don't remember my name
When my hands don't play the strings the same way
I know you will still love me the same

'Cause honey your soul could never grow old, it's evergreen
And, baby, your smile's forever in my mind and memory
I'm thinking 'bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways
Maybe it's all part of a plan
Well, I'll just keep on making the same mistakes
Hoping that you'll understand

But, baby, now
Take me into your loving arms
Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars
Place your head on my beating heart
Thinking out loud
That maybe we found love right where we are

So, baby, now
Take me into your loving arms
Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars
Oh, darling, place your head on my beating heart
I'm thinking out loud
That maybe we found love right where we are
Oh, baby, we found love right where we are
And we found love right where we are




Acoustic version

Social Anxiety

It may or may not surprise you to know that I have social anxiety. Before you ask, no, I have never been officially diagnosed, but I know myself in social situations. It's not the same as just being shy.

Groups of people stress me out. It's not as bad when I am in a group where I know almost every individual, but the greater the number of people present and the fewer I actually know, the less likely I am to be there. It's A (but not the only) reason I don't go to huge concerts, why I don't like to go shopping in malls, and why you will never find me in a club. Even an event as small as, say, an open house for your company's new location will overwhelm me, and I skedaddle to the safety of my solo residence and dogs as quickly and quietly as possible. Sometimes after church, I toy with the idea of not going into coffee hour to chitchat. More often than not, though, I can manage a short while.

People often ask, "How are you today?" The question directed to me should be, "How social are you feeling today?" Social anxiety and ambiversion do not mesh well. On days that I feel like being social, it's not a catastrophe, but if for some reason I am feeling the need to withdraw, it merely heightens the tendencies that are already there.

I know, I know. I should "just grow up and get over it." I am working on it, but I've also reached that age where I don't have to do something I don't want to. It's a dangerous place to be, as it can become stagnant quite quickly.

Yes, I have a fabulous vocabulary, although, sadly, I do not use as much of it as I would like. However, when I am feeling awkward and flustered, it is as if all the words I have learned in my 34 years have completely vacated my brain, and I have no idea what to say. I am horrible at small talk. I would much rather debate and discuss more cerebral topics. I really couldn't care less about the pop culture of today. Even the mainstream media aims for shock value and negative stories. No wonder people are depressed!

At some point, I am going to HAVE to talk to people. What is completely ironic, though, is that despite having social anxiety, I actually enjoy being around people(caveat: that I know and only in smaller groups). The more I interact with my community, the less my social anxiety controls me. Practice makes perfect?

The holidays can especially be an iffy time. There is such an emphasis on gathering with family and friends you don't often see, but for many people, it can remind one of the feeling of not really being an integral part of something, just merely existing on the outskirts. Multiple parties do not always portray an accurate picture of how the individual really feels beneath the façade.

This makes it even more critical, albeit difficult, to laugh at fear and to march forward confidently into battle--yes, I said battle--and slaughter the many demons of anxiety, disassociation, and cowardice. It's fortuitous that I am so stubborn and determined, then.

Teşekkür ederim

Dare I say that I would consider myself to be happy?? I dared it! I went there.

I always hesitate to state that I am happy because inevitably, something will happen and I regress back to an emotional whirlwind, my own not so poetic equivalent of Scylla and Charybdis. I'm determined to some day get to an even keel, not happy, but full of joy. It will happen. I refuse to let it be otherwise.

Life is good, other than a few minor struggles. Despite my perfectionistic tendencies, I find myself very grateful to be where I am. I have wonderful friends, fabulous and sweet pups, a work environment I don't deserve, a fairly good relationship with my family, although, as with all things, it could use improvement, and a myriad of other opportunities and gifts that I am given merely because I am privileged enough to live where I do. I feel like I'm at a good place in terms of my confidence in my own personality.

I haven't done the Days of Thanks this year, not because I don't feel it, but because I'm so busy feeling thankful that I don't feel the need to blast it out to everyone else. (In no way am I commenting about others' motives or sincerity. I can only speak for myself.)

As always, I am on a self-prescribed path of improvement in various areas, but if I looked back in 5 or 10 years, I would not feel disappointed with my life as-is today. I am thankful for the people that have made an impact on my life, even the ones that helped to screw up my life. I would be lying if I said I wouldn't change anything in my past(Who really thinks THAT??), but I do appreciate the ebb and flow of various influences.

I don't know that I have any one person or thing that has had the biggest influence. Obviously, parents are a big deal, but I think all 4 parents (5, if you include step-family) have had a large impact on who I am. Various friends, some more than others, have also changed my life, some for the better, others for the worse. Work hasn't been too much of a game-changer since you tend to be a warm body instead of a person that the employers care about(present employer excluded). Celebrities haven't really impacted my life on a grand, long-lasting scale.

I think every musical soloist needs to perform in a choir or band with whatever their instrument is. Even the most talented singer that can sing perfectly on their own can struggle when they have to consider other voices around them. Maintaining "perfect pitch"–which I do not have–is difficult when you have voices singing at different tempos and pitches and even if they do sing correctly, it throws YOU off because you haven't sung with them before so it's a brand new song, although you've most likely sung it hundreds of times.

One reason I like to use paper maps instead of GPS is because GPS shows you where you are at that specific moment only and how long/far it is to your destination. A paper map shows you where you are in relation to the rest of the world. It gives more of a sense of the collective and less of a "Me, me, me" mentality.

It's so simple and easy to be the nicest, most accomplished, most intelligent, most patient, most trustworthy and trusting person...

...as long as I don't interact with anyone else.

We need relationships with people in order to better ourselves IN relationships with people. Even when we live alone or in a selfish way, that does impact others around us. Sure, I could be a hermit and live alone and do everything online and never interact with another living soul, but how is that even really living??
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Accentuate the Positive - Johnny Mercer & The Pied Pipers

You've got to accentuate the positive
Eliminate the negative
Latch on to the affirmative
Don't mess with Mister In-Between

You've got to spread joy up to the maximum
Bring gloom down to the minimum
Have faith or pandemonium
Liable to walk upon the scene

To illustrate his last remark
Jonah in the whale, Noah in the ark
What did they do
Just when everything looked so dark

Man, they said we better, accentuate the positive
Eliminate the negative
Latch on to the affirmative
Don't mess with Mister In-Between
No, do not mess with Mister In-Between

Do you hear me?

Oh, listen to me children and-a you will hear
About the elininatin' of the negative
And the accent on the positive
And gather 'round me children if you're willin'
And sit tight while I start reviewin'
The attitude of doin' right

You've gotta accentuate the positive
Eliminate the negative
Latch on to the affirmative
Don't mess with Mister In-Between

You've got to spread joy up to the maximum
Bring gloom, down to the minimum
Otherwise pandemonium
Liable to walk upon the scene

To illustrate my last remark
Jonah in the whale, Noah in the ark
What did they say
Say when everything looked so dark

Man, they said we better accentuate the positive
Eliminate the negative
Latch on to the affirmative
Don't mess with Mister In-Between
No, don't mess with Mister In-Between

Atlas Forgot to Shrug

"You're second-rate."

"You're a convenience-only friend."

"People will always forget about you."

"You're only the option when there's nothing better."

These thoughts have been in my head in some form or another for so long, I don't even remember a time without them. On good days, I can brush them off and feel secure of my place in people's lives. They glimmer so faintly, I don't even remember they are there. On a bad day, it's a completely different story. I justify why I feel the way I do and recite any examples where I am validated for why I should feel this way. It's a dangerous spiral into depression, and there is no algorithm to determine how long it will last or what will snap me out of it.

I know I'm not "first-string" in anybody's life, rarely even "second-string", but sometimes, it feels like I'm the last option if nothing else has panned out. It's quite a crushing blow to feel like your own life movie has others cast as the movie stars and you're resigned to a supporting role.

While I do confess to constantly wanting people to idolize me, the reality is that I hate being in the spotlight. I like recognition for my contributions but not being the center of attention. A friend mentioned to me that I don't jump in and make myself part of activities and groups. This is something I don't anticipate ever happening with general groups. I will NEVER push myself into an area where I don't feel wanted. Of course, this stems from abandonment issues initiated from the adoption and repeatedly reinforced by a lack of a stable and loving environment at home, PTSD, and a few other experiences.

What is that I fear necessarily? I worry that I will become a burden upon friends, and they, in turn, will feel I do not have enough value to keep in their life. So, I lose my identity, become whatever they need me to be, do whatever needs doing, and keep up the nice, shiny image they want to see. It's all a game of smoke and mirrors, my friends.

People often comment on how strong and capable I am of taking care of things, for myself and for others. The truth is: I barely manage to keep my life balanced and on an even course. I don't WANT to have to fight my own life battles. It's not that I want to play the "damsel in distress"; I hate that portrayal, but admittedly, it would be nice to have someone just to share the emotional burden with, someone who's on my side(even if it means being against me in a discussion). They don't have to actually DO anything for me or fight the battles. Just having someone I can emotionally vomit to makes a huge impact.

Why do I not share this emotional weight with friends? Because it's not the same. Friends have their own commitments and obligations, especially if they have a romantic relationship or children. Yes, I may ask people for help every now and then, but one thing I've learned through the years is that with juggling all the varied responsibilities in my life, if I entrust someone with one and they "drop the ball", then I am the one left picking up the pieces. I realize I cannot remain (healthily) closed off from everyone, but it just reinforces being super selective with who is granted a key to my world.

What is the solution to this? I don't have the answer right now. I have been trying to process a lot of thoughts and questioning my reasoning (trying to do this logically and rationally) about why I do things. I'm trying to implement healthy habits and actually admit when I'm having a not-so-good day. It's a slow process. I haven't seen any visible change yet, but I'm determined it will happen eventually.

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Burden

I never meant to be a burden
Oh I just worry more than I’d like to
I never meant to be a burden
Please forgive me if I’ve weighed on you

For so long I have lived amongst the shadows
Waiting for the sun to break on through
Oh it’s time I cast my oars and head out on these shores
And find some place where I can start anew

I never meant to be a burden
Oh I just worry more than I’d like to
I never meant to be a burden
Please forgive me if I’ve weighed on you

Oh forgive if I’ve weighed upon your back
It’s so heavy already without me
Going ahead into this abyss and find my own way out of this
So you can walk ahead more easily

I never meant to be a burden
But you're the light that is guiding me through
I never meant to be a burden
Please forgive me if I’ve weighed on you