Cowardly vulnerability

I am a coward.

You may laugh, but it's true. It may seem praiseworthy that I post on this site what I am feeling on a particular day, but the reality is that I would not say it if I were not behind the safety of this computer.

One of my goals this summer was to make myself more vulnerable and open to those I care about around me. I cannot determine yet if this has been a success. I still run and hide when intimacy appears, and, while I will go ziplining, skydiving, or whitewater rafting(not yet), I do not take any initiative in being truly honest with the people I see on a daily or weekly basis.

Sometimes, I am passive in my life. I watch it go by and then do nothing to change what I do not like. It makes it easy to complain and blame "the world," no?

I will offer my opinion in matters that relate to other people, but if you asked my opinion on anything about myself or my tastes, I would defer to whatever the other person likes or wants to do. I do not like making decisions regarding small everyday choices. I joked with the salesman that it took me longer to decide on which washer and dryer I wanted than whether I wanted to buy my house. It is a true statement.

Maybe this forum is a step in the right direction. I have always excelled at verbal communication. The written form is the easiest for personal issues because I can state and restate what I mean to say so I cannot give too much away.

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"I Bruise Easily"

My skin is like a map
Of where my heart has been
And I cant hide the marks
Its not a negative thing
So I let down my guard
Drop my defences down by my clothes
I'm learning to fall
With no safety net to cushion the blow

I bruise easily
So be gentle when you handle me
Theres a mark you leave
Like a love heart carved on a tree
I bruise easily
Can't scratch the surface
Without moving me underneath
I bruise easily
I bruise easily

I found your fingerprints
On a glass of wine
Do you know you're leaving them
All over this heart of mine too
But if I never take this leap of faith
I'll never know
So im learning to fall
With no safety net to cushion the blow

[Chorus]

Anyone who can touch you
Can hurt you or heal you
Anyone who can reach you
Can love you or leave you

So be gentle...

[Chorus]

I bruise easily
I bruise easily

Garbage In, Garbage Out.

One of the few nuggets of wisdom my adopted father told me over the years was "Garbage in, garbage out." He was referring more to pop culture, but it can also be more widely applied to life in general.

Many phrases are fed into our mind by parents, church, peers, teachers, mass media, pop culture, and even ourselves. It seems the determining factor about what is kept within our self-talk, along with many other things, such as trust, self-esteem, etc., is all set into place during our formative childhood years. Even from birth, our mother introduces security, healthy boundaries, love, rules, compassion, and statements of self-worth. If this is damaged in any way, the remainder of our life is spent in varying degrees of repairing the damage. Because our parents are the first role models, what they do, even more than what they say, shows us how to inhabit our communities. Since we know nothing else, their pattern of behavior is the archetype against which all other information is measured. 

I find it interesting that the negative messages are much easier to accept into our everyday vernacular than the positive ones. Maybe this is just me personally, but if someone critiques my work/self/attitude, I willingly accept and agree with whatever they say. "Oh, you thought my singing was a little off? Me, too!" or "You don't like that? Yeah, they weren't my favorite musicians, anyway." If on the other hand, I receive a compliment for my work/self/attitude, I can usually bat those away like pesky little flies. "Oh, I'm not strong. I just pretend to be." and "I'm not a good writer; I ramble all through the post."

People do not realize the importance of self-talk. You can surround yourself with positive, wholesome people all day, but if the core of your beliefs is not what the should be as a "normal" person, then at the end of the day, the demons are still attacking. They lie in wait and jump out just when you think you are doing well! And by "you", I really mean "I".

I constantly apologize for things that I do, things that I don't do, and things that were an accident, even knowing that most of them are beyond my control or were not my fault, because I learned early that I was somehow to blame for most things. Having read a few psychology books, I know this is due to not having much control in my home over what was done to me.

Supportive people are definitely important, even if you had a not-so-nurturing childhood. You need the internal support and security before you can have any type of individuality and separation. You have to have that net of safety before you feel sure of taking any kind of risks. If all you hear or see is that you have no value or you are criticized for any type of behavior, then you will not feel confident in your ability to be aggressive and take initiatives.

As with many people, I cannot recall the first three years of my life, so I can neither confirm nor deny any type of parenting techniques during those formative years. My biological mother died several years ago, so there is not a possibility of bringing up any questions to her, and my biological father does not speak much English, unfortunately, and I speak no Turkçe. Parents are human, of course, and no parent completely follows any "guidebook" or any child listen to their parents. This is one of the blessings-and curses-of free will.

God himself is both firm and supportive. As human beings, we tend to skew anything good and twist it until it becomes something harmful for us. God provided us the Psalms, Proverbs, saints, and even Christ himself, to show us that he wants us to succeed in reaching salvation. Sometimes, it feels like your high school Chemistry final. He has provided all the textbooks, tutors, tools, etc. Now, we just have to complete the experiment as it needs to be. If, however, we fill our head with reality shows, celebrity gossip, unrespectful music, and pornography, then that is what we will recall and what dwells in our minds at any given point.

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     "We grow cold within when our heart is distracted, when it cleaves to something other than God, worrying about different things, getting angry, and blaming someone--when we are discontented and pander to the flesh, wallowing in luxury and wandering thoughts. Guard against these things, and the coldness will diminish.

     As to the heart--where else is life if not in the heart?"

Theophan the Recluse

Trust and forgiveness

I have been mulling over many things in my head during the past week. Of course, there are many what-ifs, "I should have's", and "I'm just dreaming, and this is all a nightmare." That doesn't really help the situation as it is, and I've never been one to admire or accept pity, in myself or others. Harsh, I know, but I believe in dealing with life head on. I will admit that I was feeling sorry for myself until about Wednesday, and then something just clicked. Not that anything got better, but I decided that there really isn't much I can do right now other than wait, and if I dwell in a "Woe is me" mentality, then she has won again, and I refuse to let that happen.

Someone asked if I was angry with God or with my sister, and I answered that I was not, which is true. I am angry at myself for allowing the devil to bait me, when I know how E operates as far as fights and taunts. I am angry that I was manipulated, but again, this is more at myself for being naive. I don't wish E any ill will, but I haven't quite forgiven her yet, either. That brings me to the real point of this post.

I have recently been wondering if part of the reason that all this is happening is that I began trying to work on forgiveness this summer. If I cannot forgive someone that is alive and that I am able to speak to(at some point, anyway), then how would I be able to forgive someone who has truly wronged me and who is dead? Several people smarter than me will tell you that if you hold on to anger/resentment/etc., then you are allowing the offender to "own" you. Each time that you think about that person or that situation, you are caused hurt again and again until you have resolved it in your heart and have decided that it's not worth it to keep them in that place.

In some ways, what was committed in both instances was a form of murder: one of self and one of a relationship. When I think of these two circumstances, I am angered, and I make decisions based on the emotions and how they have affected me. Now, I knew this before, so knowing it does not automatically mean that I believe it. I know lots of things logically, but I struggle with making the leap to acceptance. Leaping requires trust, and history has not been filled with good trust situations. I know you're going to say it is unfair for me to judge the people in my life currently or that I will meet against these past experiences, and it is unfair for me to treat them like I would the original "villains." I have dealt with this reality for so long that I don't know how to be any other way. I can only ask for patience as I attempt to get to a place where the past doesn't affect my current life as much and forgiveness for when I invariably will screw up and revert back to old patterns.

It is easier to forgive strangers and acquaintances than it is to forgive people that were close to you, and it is even harder to forgive yourself than it is to forgive others. I always think of the quote from "A Knight's Tale", "You have been weighed, you have been measured, and you have been found wanting." As you know by now, I am much harder on myself than I am on anyone else. I judge myself constantly, and I think part of the lesson in this, also, will be to forgive myself for the part I played in the whole mess. I do believe, however, that this forgiveness will still be easier than forgiving myself for the earlier situation.

But, that's a story for another day. :)
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At my request, one of my friends sent this to me, and I thought it was a good thing for everyone to have.

1. "Lord, Bless My Enemies": A Prayer

Bless my enemies, O Lord. Even I bless them and do not curse them..

Enemies have driven me into Thy embrace more than friends have.

Friends have bound me to earth, enemies have loosed me from earth and have demolished all my aspirations in the world.

Enemies have made me a stranger in worldly realms and an extraneous inhabitant of the world.

Just as a hunted animal finds safer shelter than an unhunted animal does, so have I, persecuted by enemies, found the safest sanctuary, having ensconced myself beneath Thy tabernacle, where neither friends nor enemies can slay my soul.

Bless my enemies, O Lord. Even I bless them and do not curse them.

They, rather than I, have confessed my sins before the world.

They have punished me, whenever I have hesitated to punish myself.

They have tormented me, whenever I have tried to flee torments.

They have scolded me, whenever I have flattered myself.

They have spat upon me, whenever I have filled myself with arrogance.

Bless my enemies, O Lord. Even I bless them and do not curse them.

Whenever I have made myself wise, they have called me foolish.

Whenever I have made myself mighty, they have mocked me as though I were a dwarf.

Whenever I have wanted to lead people, they have shoved me into the background.

Whenever I have rushed to enrich myself, they have prevented me with an iron hand.

Whenever I thought that I would sleep peacefully, they have wakened me from sleep.

Whenever I have tried to build a home for a long and tranquil life, they have demolished it and driven me out.

Truly, enemies have cut me loose from the world and have stretched out my hands to the hem of Thy garment.

Bless my enemies, O Lord. Even I bless them and do not curse them.

Bless them and multiply them; multiply them and make them even more bitterly against me:

so that my fleeing to Thee may have no return;

so that all hope in men may be scattered like cobwebs;

so that absolute serenity may begin to reign in my soul;

so that my heart may become the grave of my two evil twins: arrogance and anger;

so that I might amass all my treasure in heaven;

ah, so that I may for once be freed from self deception, which has entangled me in the dreadful web of illusory life.

Enemies have taught me to know what hardly anyone knows, that a person has no enemies in the world except himself.

One hates his enemies only when he fails to realize that they are not enemies, but cruel friends.

It is truly difficult for me to say who has done me more good and who has done me more evil in the world: friends or enemies.

Therefore bless, O Lord, both my friends and my enemies.

A slave curses enemies, for he does not understand.

But a son blesses them, for he understands. For a son knows that his enemies cannot touch his life. Therefore he freely steps among them and prays to God for them.

Bless my enemies, O Lord. Even I bless them and do not curse them.

Amen.

2. Prayer for Enemies

Lord Jesus Christ, Who didst command us to love our enemies, and those who defame and injure us, and to pray for them and forgive them; Who Thyself didst pray for Thine enemies, who crucified Thee: grant us, we pray, the spirit of Christian reconciliation and meekness, that we may heartily forgive every injury and be reconciled with our enemies. Grant us to overcome the malevolence and offences of people with Christian meekness and true love of our neighbor. We further beseech Thee, O Lord, to grant to our enemies true peace and forgiveness of sins; and do not allow them to leave this life without true faith and sincere conversion. And help us repay evil with goodness, and to remain safe from the temptations of the devil and from all the perils which threaten us, in the form of visible and invisible enemies.

Amen.

Losing

I've been struggling the past few days, obviously. :) Honestly, I don't feel any type of desire for retaliation. I think at this point, I am just too tired to fight. I am choosing to put my energy into the job hunt, but in the back of mind, part of me is wondering if it's even worth it. Suppose I find a job, and then I have to somehow explain to them that I will be leaving for a couple of years, and would they please hold the job for me??

In an attempt to curb any bitterness, I am choosing a couple of songs that have resonated with me over the past few days:

"Never Alone"

I waited for you today
But you didn't show
No no no
I needed You today
So where did You go?
You told me to call
Said You'd be there
And though I haven't seen You
Are You still there?

I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I"m never alone

And though I cannot see You
And I can't explain why
Such a deep, deep reassurance
You've placed in my life
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/b/barlow_girl/never_alone.html ]
We cannot separate
'Cause You're part of me
And though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen

I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I"m never alone

We cannot separate
You're part of me
And though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen

I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I"m never alone

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/b/barlow_girl/#share

"Losing"

I can't believe what she said
I can't believe what he did
Oh, don't they know it's wrong?
Don't they know it's wrong?

Well maybe there's something I missed
But how could they treat me like this?
It's wearing out my heart
The way they disregard

This is love. This is hate. 
We all have a choice to make

Oh, Father won't You forgive them?
They don't know what they've been doin' (oh no)
Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
Cause I feel like the one losin'

It's only the dead that can live
But still I wrestle with this
To lose the pain that's mine
Seventy times seven times

Lord it doesn't feel right
For me to turn a blind eye
But I guess it's not that much
When I think of what You've done.
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/t/tenth_avenue_north/feels_like_ive_been_losin.html ]
This is love. This is hate. 
We've got a choice to make

Oh, Father, won't You forgive them?
They don't know what they've been doin' 
Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
Cause I feel like the one losin' (oh no)

Why do we think that hate's gonna change their heart?
We're up in arms over wars that don't need to be fought
But pride won't let us lay our weapons on the ground
We build our bridges up, but just to burn them down
We think pain is owed apologies and them it'll stop
But truth be told it doesn't matter if they're sorry or not
Freedom comes when we surrender to the sound
Of Mercy and Your Grace, Father, send Your angels down (singin')

Oh, Father, won't you forgive them?
They don't know what they've been doing (oh, no)
Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
Cause I feel like the one losing
I feel like I've been losing

Oh Father won't you forgive them
They don't know what they've been doin'
Oh Father, give me grace to forgive them
Cause I feel like the one losin'
I feel like I've been losing

Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
Cause I feel like the one losin'

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/t/tenth_avenue_north/#share

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

I have written this post in my head several different ways, and there's really no way to make this a casual, breezy topic.

I have been absent from the computer for the past week. I visited St. Nicholas Monastery in North Ft. Myers, FL, for a week. I had been wanting to go for awhile, but with my work schedule and training new hires, I couldn't get the time off. Of course, with the lay-off, I have more than enough time now! It showed me how attached I am to the things of this world and how I am not strong enough to be a monastic. I think sometimes the Devil uses the good things in our life as a way of keeping us from God. It is easier to push away the "bad" things than to see that you are so attached to the good things that they have become idols. This includes relationships, property, pets, careers, etc. It is easy to get comfortable and to think you are doing so well that you do not need God. Then, of course, God has to come along and remind you how weak you are and how you DO NOT have it all together, no matter what all the people and accolades around might claim. :)

The second, and harder, part of this story is that when I got back from the monastery Wednesday evening, my sister, who I have been struggling with recently, had not yet moved, even though she was supposed to be gone by this time. In her spitefulness, she had also taken anything she had ever given me, including bedroom furniture, knick-knacks, etc. This frustrated me, only because I felt I had tried to be understanding and compassionate and recognize the fact that she was struggling with money; however, she had not paid any kind of money in the past 4 months, rent or utilities, and had been in fact using my things until I said something about it. So, when we got into an argument last month, I had reached my breaking point. I had wanted to say something for a couple of weeks, and it did not come out the best way possible; but, when I cooled off, I reiterated that I was sorry but I could not live with her any more. For the past month, I was over the fight I had, but she stayed icy towards me, and she would not allow even her daughter to speak to me and would pull her away if she interacted with me. I had also texted a couple of times, and so I assumed everything was fine. She was going to move out, and that would be that.

So, I went into the refrigerator to get some water and a bit to eat since I just got done with a 11 hour drive. I noticed some vegetables that I had left had gone bad, so I threw those out. I moved her things because the refrigerator was dirty and needed to be cleaned. She came out of her room, and told me to stop touching her stuff. I have no excuse for continuing to fight with her, and I completely accept my blame for that. I took some of her things and began throwing them into the trash. She grabbed some jars and slammed them down on the counter, causing them to break. We started yelling, and I kept telling her to get out of my house. I said she had until 12:01 to leave, and then I was going to put her stuff out on the lawn. She said she would be out Thursday afternoon. I told her I had already given her 30 days, and she was supposed to be gone. She, knowing the law much better than I do, told me I couldn't touch her stuff, and I had no right to kick her out because she had established residency(This is, sadly, true.) I said again whatever was in the house at midnight would be outside, and I didn't care what happened to it. She said if I did that then she was going to burn down my house. I said she would be arrested for arson. She said how would I know. I said she had just threatened me, and she came back with, "Where's your proof? Where's your recorder?" Of course, there were several personal attacks back and forth, which I shall spare you the details, but mostly how she wasn't the only person that thought I was crazy, I was going to burn in hell, etc. I yelled insults at her as well, which I am not proud of. We started getting physical, and wrestled for a bit. The exact order is fuzzy, but somehow we ended up in the kitchen, and she looked around and grabbed a serrated knife out of my kitchen block. She waved it at me, and started making jabs in my direction. I kept telling her, "Do it." (For those of you not aware, she pulled a knife on me 13 years ago in my mother's house as well.) I will admit I wasn't sure at this point if she would or not, and I got a bit nervous. I attempted to pull the knife out of her hands, and, I guess in the struggle, she got some cuts on her, although I haven't seen them personally. She went out to her car, and I thought that was the end of it, and she was going to storm off to someone else's house for the night. I began cleaning up the mess in the kitchen, and then a knock on my door. She had called the police, and told them I had broken her glass jars and thrown the pieces at her, and then I had pulled a knife on her. They listened to both people. Unfortunately, the only cut I had on me was on my nose where she had hit me in the face, and she supposedly had cuts all over her. The other thing not in my favor is that I have a horrible memory; even though it had just happened, I had trouble remembering what happened and when. So, someone had to go to jail, and she is good at playing the wounded victim(literally and figuratively) and manipulating people to believe what she wants them to believe. I was handcuffed and taken to the downtown holding facility. They charged me with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon(which is a felony), and she also slapped an order of protection against me, which is temporary at this point, but means that I cannot have any type of contact with her whatsoever, and that as long as her stuff is there, it is a "shared residence" and I cannot go into my own home. She lied about what happened in the petition itself, and also stated that I have a history of abuse(?) and that I am a physically violent person(again, ?!?!).

My mother bailed me out the next morning before I went to the prison itself, so I spent a total of about 15 hours in lockup with only about 30 minutes of poor-quality sleep, and my priest and his wife picked me up and took me to get some stuff from my house, which I had to have a police escort as a witness. My friend, Michelle, has been wonderful and is letting me stay at her house for the weekend. I have not been back to my house yet, just in case she still has her things there and I am accused of violating the order.

So, at this point, it is a waiting game. I looked online, and there is a possibility that, if convicted, I could be facing 3-15 years in prison, which is very scary. Not just because of the fact that it will affect any job applications in the future, but also any attempts to adopt children, possibly marriage possibilities, and also just because I am scared, and I don't need a reason to be. Sometimes, I'm not as strong as I seem.

I am sorry for all the people having to be dragged into the middle of this. I have had to ask my mother to be a witness against one of her daughters, I may have to ask friends to provide character statements, and I feel like all I talk about right now are the problems I am having, which is depressing conversation, so I am not very good company right now. I can cry at the drop of a hat, and I'm really just waiting for the 3rd problem to pop up.

I know God doesn't give you more than you can handle, and I admit that I am a strong person, but sometimes even strong people need to have someone be strong for them. I know I will get through this, but I am sorry for the ending that it has to be. I am severing my ties with my sister. I understand being there for your family and that supposedly they are there for you when others would not be; however, I cannot say that I would attribute this quality to my sister. If we were not sisters, we would not be friends. Right now, I feel that I have (again) been taken advantage of. I enabled her, I know, but I suppose in some way, I thought if I helped her out this one last time, it would be fine. My mother thought I might change my mind and I would surely want to invite her to my wedding. I do not feel that would be appropriate in this case. If, and when, the time comes that she matures and becomes a more responsible and stable person, then I will associate with her. I will still not have a relationship with her, and if I did invite her to any wedding I have, then it would only be out of obligation, and not out of any desire to have her celebrate with me. This is a toxic relationship, and, if it were a romantic one, I would call it an abusive one, and I would wonder why the spouse being abused did not wake up to the reality and leave. So that is what I am doing.

I pray that she finds happiness somewhere along the way, because clearly, she does not feel that her life is all that great. She brings up the fact that my life does not seem that difficult. Maybe it's not(it's not), but it is MY life, and I have made MY choices, and I am dealing with MY consequences and situation as it is. If she does not like the choices she has made in her life, then that is her problem, but I cannot make my life more miserable because she wants to be pitied. I am not good at pitying people that have brought their situation on themselves--even with myself. If something bad happens, I do not wallow. I brush myself off, and then decide my next course of action. Most of the time this is good, but, in the extreme, I do not allow myself to deal with the situation as it is, either. I won't say that I am completely happy with myself and my life, due to my perfectionistic tendencies :), but that is my problem, and not something I blame others for(except for the abuse, which I am working on).

So, you see why I needed hugs on Thursday. :)

As an attempt to bring some lightness to this post, I have included an appropriate song from everyone's favorite blonde, curly-haired superstar:

I Remember when we broke up the first timeSeeing this is, and had enough, it's likeWe haven't seen each other in a monthWhen you, said you, needed space, what?When you come around again and sayBaby, I miss you and I swear I'm gonna changeTrust me, remember how that lasted for a dayI say, I hate you, we break up, you call me, I love you
Oooh we called it off again last nightBut Oooh, this time I'm telling you, I'm telling youWe are never ever ever ever getting back togetherWe are never ever ever ever getting back togetherYou go talk to your friends talkAnd my friends talk to meBut we are never ever ever ever getting back together
Like ever...
I'm really gonna miss you picking fightsAnd me, falling for a screaming that I'm rightAnd you, will hide away and find your piece of mine with some indie record that's much cooler than mine
Oooh you called me up again tonightBut Oooh, this time I'm telling you, I'm telling youWe are never ever ever ever getting back togetherWe are never ever ever ever getting back togetherYou go talk to your friends talkAnd my friends talk to meBut we are never ever ever ever getting back together
I used to think, that we, were forever ever everAnd I used to say never say neverHuh, he calls me up and he's like, I still love youAnd i'm like, I mean, I mean this is exhausting, you knowWe are never getting back together, like ever
We are never ever ever ever getting back togetherWe are never ever ever ever getting back togetherYou go talk to your friends talkAnd my friends talk to meBut we are never ever ever ever getting back together
Not getting back together, weOh, getting back together
You go talk to your friends talkAnd my friends talk to meBut we are never ever ever ever getting back together

[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/we-are-never-ever-getting-back-together-lyrics-taylor-swift.html ]