Trust and forgiveness

I have been mulling over many things in my head during the past week. Of course, there are many what-ifs, "I should have's", and "I'm just dreaming, and this is all a nightmare." That doesn't really help the situation as it is, and I've never been one to admire or accept pity, in myself or others. Harsh, I know, but I believe in dealing with life head on. I will admit that I was feeling sorry for myself until about Wednesday, and then something just clicked. Not that anything got better, but I decided that there really isn't much I can do right now other than wait, and if I dwell in a "Woe is me" mentality, then she has won again, and I refuse to let that happen.

Someone asked if I was angry with God or with my sister, and I answered that I was not, which is true. I am angry at myself for allowing the devil to bait me, when I know how E operates as far as fights and taunts. I am angry that I was manipulated, but again, this is more at myself for being naive. I don't wish E any ill will, but I haven't quite forgiven her yet, either. That brings me to the real point of this post.

I have recently been wondering if part of the reason that all this is happening is that I began trying to work on forgiveness this summer. If I cannot forgive someone that is alive and that I am able to speak to(at some point, anyway), then how would I be able to forgive someone who has truly wronged me and who is dead? Several people smarter than me will tell you that if you hold on to anger/resentment/etc., then you are allowing the offender to "own" you. Each time that you think about that person or that situation, you are caused hurt again and again until you have resolved it in your heart and have decided that it's not worth it to keep them in that place.

In some ways, what was committed in both instances was a form of murder: one of self and one of a relationship. When I think of these two circumstances, I am angered, and I make decisions based on the emotions and how they have affected me. Now, I knew this before, so knowing it does not automatically mean that I believe it. I know lots of things logically, but I struggle with making the leap to acceptance. Leaping requires trust, and history has not been filled with good trust situations. I know you're going to say it is unfair for me to judge the people in my life currently or that I will meet against these past experiences, and it is unfair for me to treat them like I would the original "villains." I have dealt with this reality for so long that I don't know how to be any other way. I can only ask for patience as I attempt to get to a place where the past doesn't affect my current life as much and forgiveness for when I invariably will screw up and revert back to old patterns.

It is easier to forgive strangers and acquaintances than it is to forgive people that were close to you, and it is even harder to forgive yourself than it is to forgive others. I always think of the quote from "A Knight's Tale", "You have been weighed, you have been measured, and you have been found wanting." As you know by now, I am much harder on myself than I am on anyone else. I judge myself constantly, and I think part of the lesson in this, also, will be to forgive myself for the part I played in the whole mess. I do believe, however, that this forgiveness will still be easier than forgiving myself for the earlier situation.

But, that's a story for another day. :)
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At my request, one of my friends sent this to me, and I thought it was a good thing for everyone to have.

1. "Lord, Bless My Enemies": A Prayer

Bless my enemies, O Lord. Even I bless them and do not curse them..

Enemies have driven me into Thy embrace more than friends have.

Friends have bound me to earth, enemies have loosed me from earth and have demolished all my aspirations in the world.

Enemies have made me a stranger in worldly realms and an extraneous inhabitant of the world.

Just as a hunted animal finds safer shelter than an unhunted animal does, so have I, persecuted by enemies, found the safest sanctuary, having ensconced myself beneath Thy tabernacle, where neither friends nor enemies can slay my soul.

Bless my enemies, O Lord. Even I bless them and do not curse them.

They, rather than I, have confessed my sins before the world.

They have punished me, whenever I have hesitated to punish myself.

They have tormented me, whenever I have tried to flee torments.

They have scolded me, whenever I have flattered myself.

They have spat upon me, whenever I have filled myself with arrogance.

Bless my enemies, O Lord. Even I bless them and do not curse them.

Whenever I have made myself wise, they have called me foolish.

Whenever I have made myself mighty, they have mocked me as though I were a dwarf.

Whenever I have wanted to lead people, they have shoved me into the background.

Whenever I have rushed to enrich myself, they have prevented me with an iron hand.

Whenever I thought that I would sleep peacefully, they have wakened me from sleep.

Whenever I have tried to build a home for a long and tranquil life, they have demolished it and driven me out.

Truly, enemies have cut me loose from the world and have stretched out my hands to the hem of Thy garment.

Bless my enemies, O Lord. Even I bless them and do not curse them.

Bless them and multiply them; multiply them and make them even more bitterly against me:

so that my fleeing to Thee may have no return;

so that all hope in men may be scattered like cobwebs;

so that absolute serenity may begin to reign in my soul;

so that my heart may become the grave of my two evil twins: arrogance and anger;

so that I might amass all my treasure in heaven;

ah, so that I may for once be freed from self deception, which has entangled me in the dreadful web of illusory life.

Enemies have taught me to know what hardly anyone knows, that a person has no enemies in the world except himself.

One hates his enemies only when he fails to realize that they are not enemies, but cruel friends.

It is truly difficult for me to say who has done me more good and who has done me more evil in the world: friends or enemies.

Therefore bless, O Lord, both my friends and my enemies.

A slave curses enemies, for he does not understand.

But a son blesses them, for he understands. For a son knows that his enemies cannot touch his life. Therefore he freely steps among them and prays to God for them.

Bless my enemies, O Lord. Even I bless them and do not curse them.

Amen.

2. Prayer for Enemies

Lord Jesus Christ, Who didst command us to love our enemies, and those who defame and injure us, and to pray for them and forgive them; Who Thyself didst pray for Thine enemies, who crucified Thee: grant us, we pray, the spirit of Christian reconciliation and meekness, that we may heartily forgive every injury and be reconciled with our enemies. Grant us to overcome the malevolence and offences of people with Christian meekness and true love of our neighbor. We further beseech Thee, O Lord, to grant to our enemies true peace and forgiveness of sins; and do not allow them to leave this life without true faith and sincere conversion. And help us repay evil with goodness, and to remain safe from the temptations of the devil and from all the perils which threaten us, in the form of visible and invisible enemies.

Amen.