Masquerades

I love wearing masks and facades. It's very difficult to decide to make yourself vulnerable. It's one thing to decide to do it in theory; it's a completely different experience in practice. Every time I feel like I make progress beyond my past hangups, I get what I perceive to be a negative response or feedback and hide back behind my armor. When people know you to be one way that isn't the real person, even when they reject you, it doesn't really hurt all that much since it wasn't really you that they rejected. If you show someone your real personality, interests, opinions, etc., then when they decide there is something wrong with you, it is really you and not some character in a play or tv show that is lacking.

I've always been wary of trusting most people because in the past when I leaned on the people that were closest to me, the support tumbled out from under me--on more than one occasion and, in some cases, quite severe. There is also the impression in today's society that you should be able to handle all job titles and responsibilities thrown in your direction--yet another mask to add to the equation.

I'll be honest--I'm really freaked out at the moment. I am still on the diving board above the shark tank, but now I feel like I am just at the edge, and that as soon as I jump, it's either going to be a giant belly flop or a graceful 2 1/2 forward somersault pike. The problem is, my mind tells me it's going to be a belly flop to end all belly flops.

In the few minuscule moments where I actually relax, it's usually because I've been able to distract myself from my thoughts. When things get stressful, I can easily disassociate. The level of disassociation depends upon the intensity of the situation. For those of you not familiar, basically it means that I can separate mind from being in the moment. I'm not quite at the level of astral projection or borderline personality disorder, but in layman's terms, I "zone out" from the current situation and close myself off emotionally and become somewhat catatonic. Sometimes, I'm aware when it's happening and I can shake myself out of it, but other times, I'm not even aware until after it has passed. Trauma literally rewires the neurological connections in your brain, in much the same way alcohol and drugs does, due to the continued stress and production of cortisol, and affects development in psychological processing.

I had a slight anxiety attack earlier yesterday evening when mulling over a current situation. The problem with masks is that it is very exhausting keeping track of which ones are for which people. And, when I do let someone in more, I have to admit either that I lied to them or make them think they were incorrect on their side. Also, of course, I still run the risk of them rejecting the real me when I do remove the mask, so I haven't really addressed the original problem. When it's a bad day and someone asks me how I am doing, my answer is always F.I.N.E--freaked out, insecure, neurotic, and emotional. Truer words were never spoken.
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"I'll Wear This Mask" - Carla Jae

I'll wear this mask for all of them,
I'll wear this mask until I find my skin,
And, I'll wear this mask until I come to you.
I'll stand before you exposed for who I am,
Who I am.

Every morning, I choose one of my many faces.
I go to work and do my job.
But ask why should I do this.
I'm not happy living this dream.
It wasn't mine to start with.
But I can't remember ever knowing myself to feel this.

So, I'll wear this mask for all of them.
I'll wear this mask until I find my skin,
And, I'll wear this mask until I come to you.
I'll stand before you exposed for who I am,
Who I am.

Every evening, all I ask from them is leave me be.
They don't realize I just want to get this face from me.
But, you have something I know can change me
You've made me smile again and given me time to just be.

I'll wear this mask for all of them.
I'll wear this mask until I find my skin.
I'll wear this mask until I come to you.
I'll stand before you exposed for who I am,
Who I am.

Just for you, I'll take away this mask.
Cause I just know you won't judge and you won't laugh.
Can you see all that you are to me?
You've set me free.

I'll wear this mask for all of them.
I'll wear this mask until I find my skin.
And, I'll wear this mask until I come to you.
I'll stand before you exposed for who I am,
Who I am.