This wasn't how it was supposed to go.
After choosing an adoption family and scheduling the court appointment for termination of rights, we have a new development! So exciting...😒
Little A has been diagnosed with Solitary median maxillary central incisor (SMMCI) syndrome. Before you attempt to look it up, it's a rare(1 in 50,000) genetic condition which has developmental defects early(day 35-38) in utero. Fortunately, he doesn't have the deviation between his brain hemispheres, but it still means multiple doctor appointments and various forms of therapy. He has also been labeled as failure-to-thrive because he keeps losing weight. He's lost 10 oz since he left the hospital, and they're worried about his motor development, since he's not developmentally where a 2-month old baby should be.
The adopting family decided they aren't the right family for him because he will need so much special care, extra doctor appointments, various therapies, and extra medical needs. I understand the hesitation, but I am disappointed. Their reasoning was they wouldn't be able to have the time needed for all the extra trips to the doctor and special needs activities. As J pointed out to me when I tried to defend them, it would be like finding out your biological child was special needs. You do whatever it takes to make it work. I love him all the more for that train of thinking. I tried to explain, many times(not always), when people adopt, they are looking for certain characteristics. Very few people intentionally want a special needs child. yes, there are sperm banks and IVF, but adoption can be similar in terms of "shopping" for a child.
Since it's genetic, I do worry that any subsequent children could have this issue. I know there's nothing I can really do about it, but I MAY have a slight inclination to over analyze and internalize everything. Don't get me wrong: if my next child has some kind of major issue, I'm not giving them up. That's my main issue with the adopting family-they said they promised to take care of him and love him just like I would. I am NOT giving him up because he's special needs. I'm giving him to another family because he's a baby, not because he's a special needs baby. There's a difference. This is what I am worried about him being sensitive about - the concern that he will think it's because he's "difficult" or not perfect in some way.
The good news is he does have another option for a new family. The temporary (cradle home) foster family that has been caring for him has expressed interest in adopting him. They already have several special needs children of their own. The father works from home and the mother does not work outside the home, so it would be a great setup for any medical care A would need. He would stay nearby, and I know they have a very Christ-centered focus in their home.
Another family that was initially interested didn’t want to be considered anymore because they felt like I was uncertain when we had talked about them being his family earlier. Birth mothers aren’t just casting aside their children for what’s convenient and whatever family expresses interest. Especially if you get attached to your child, whether while in the womb or post-labor, thoughts about trying to make it work will constantly present themselves. Is it even possible to make it work? Staying with the birth family should always be the default consideration.
Someone commented to me that maybe I was sharing a bit too much. ME!! I share for a few reasons. I need to process. While I do enjoy talking with people about my thoughts and feelings, sometimes just throwing it all on paper clears all my thinking. Also, a few people have commented derogatorily about adoption and birth mothers. I think it helps to see the behind the scenes, the concerns, anxieties, emotional roller coasters, and the reasoning that mothers go through. This isn’t just a “What’s for dinner?” decision process.
I don't pretend to be the "typical" birth mom. In fact, all I've heard through most of this journey is how unusual and abnormal my situation is. I've heard that my entire life. I'm used to it! A rare genetic syndrome, post-birth adoption, and odd social circumstances are just par for the course. If you read my posts, you're not going to magically understand what all mothers go through, and I would warn against trying to do that at all.
For better or worse, it is what it is. I feel like I say that often these days. Part of it is resignation; part of it is acceptance, and part of it is just weariness. I really wish I were in a different set of circumstances. Whatever the resolution to all of this is, I would just like some kind of closure. Maybe someday soon.
===================================
Hills and Valleys
I've walked among the shadows
You wiped my tears away
And I've felt the pain of heartbreak
And I've seen the brighter days
And I've prayed prayers to heaven
From my lowest place
And I have held your blessings
God, you give and take away
No matter what I have, Your grace is enough
No matter where I am, I'm standing in Your love
On the mountains, I will bow my life
To the one who set me there
In the valley, I will lift my eyes to the one who sees me there
When I'm standing on the mountain,
I didn't get there on my own
When I'm walking through the valley
I know I am not alone!
You're God of the hills and valleys!
Hills and Valleys!
God of the hills and valleys
And I am not alone!
After choosing an adoption family and scheduling the court appointment for termination of rights, we have a new development! So exciting...😒
Little A has been diagnosed with Solitary median maxillary central incisor (SMMCI) syndrome. Before you attempt to look it up, it's a rare(1 in 50,000) genetic condition which has developmental defects early(day 35-38) in utero. Fortunately, he doesn't have the deviation between his brain hemispheres, but it still means multiple doctor appointments and various forms of therapy. He has also been labeled as failure-to-thrive because he keeps losing weight. He's lost 10 oz since he left the hospital, and they're worried about his motor development, since he's not developmentally where a 2-month old baby should be.
The adopting family decided they aren't the right family for him because he will need so much special care, extra doctor appointments, various therapies, and extra medical needs. I understand the hesitation, but I am disappointed. Their reasoning was they wouldn't be able to have the time needed for all the extra trips to the doctor and special needs activities. As J pointed out to me when I tried to defend them, it would be like finding out your biological child was special needs. You do whatever it takes to make it work. I love him all the more for that train of thinking. I tried to explain, many times(not always), when people adopt, they are looking for certain characteristics. Very few people intentionally want a special needs child. yes, there are sperm banks and IVF, but adoption can be similar in terms of "shopping" for a child.
Since it's genetic, I do worry that any subsequent children could have this issue. I know there's nothing I can really do about it, but I MAY have a slight inclination to over analyze and internalize everything. Don't get me wrong: if my next child has some kind of major issue, I'm not giving them up. That's my main issue with the adopting family-they said they promised to take care of him and love him just like I would. I am NOT giving him up because he's special needs. I'm giving him to another family because he's a baby, not because he's a special needs baby. There's a difference. This is what I am worried about him being sensitive about - the concern that he will think it's because he's "difficult" or not perfect in some way.
The good news is he does have another option for a new family. The temporary (cradle home) foster family that has been caring for him has expressed interest in adopting him. They already have several special needs children of their own. The father works from home and the mother does not work outside the home, so it would be a great setup for any medical care A would need. He would stay nearby, and I know they have a very Christ-centered focus in their home.
Another family that was initially interested didn’t want to be considered anymore because they felt like I was uncertain when we had talked about them being his family earlier. Birth mothers aren’t just casting aside their children for what’s convenient and whatever family expresses interest. Especially if you get attached to your child, whether while in the womb or post-labor, thoughts about trying to make it work will constantly present themselves. Is it even possible to make it work? Staying with the birth family should always be the default consideration.
Someone commented to me that maybe I was sharing a bit too much. ME!! I share for a few reasons. I need to process. While I do enjoy talking with people about my thoughts and feelings, sometimes just throwing it all on paper clears all my thinking. Also, a few people have commented derogatorily about adoption and birth mothers. I think it helps to see the behind the scenes, the concerns, anxieties, emotional roller coasters, and the reasoning that mothers go through. This isn’t just a “What’s for dinner?” decision process.
I don't pretend to be the "typical" birth mom. In fact, all I've heard through most of this journey is how unusual and abnormal my situation is. I've heard that my entire life. I'm used to it! A rare genetic syndrome, post-birth adoption, and odd social circumstances are just par for the course. If you read my posts, you're not going to magically understand what all mothers go through, and I would warn against trying to do that at all.
For better or worse, it is what it is. I feel like I say that often these days. Part of it is resignation; part of it is acceptance, and part of it is just weariness. I really wish I were in a different set of circumstances. Whatever the resolution to all of this is, I would just like some kind of closure. Maybe someday soon.
===================================
Hills and Valleys
I've walked among the shadows
You wiped my tears away
And I've felt the pain of heartbreak
And I've seen the brighter days
And I've prayed prayers to heaven
From my lowest place
And I have held your blessings
God, you give and take away
No matter what I have, Your grace is enough
No matter where I am, I'm standing in Your love
On the mountains, I will bow my life
To the one who set me there
In the valley, I will lift my eyes to the one who sees me there
When I'm standing on the mountain,
I didn't get there on my own
When I'm walking through the valley
I know I am not alone!
You're God of the hills and valleys!
Hills and Valleys!
God of the hills and valleys
And I am not alone!
I've watched my dreams get broken
In you I hope again!
No matter what I know
Know I'm safe inside Your hand
In you I hope again!
No matter what I know
Know I'm safe inside Your hand
On the mountains, I will bow my life
To the one who set me there (to the one who set me there)
In the valley, I will lift my eyes to the one who sees me there
When I'm standing on the mountain,
I didn't get there on my own
When I'm walking through the valley
I know I am not alone!
You're God of the hills and valleys!
Hills and Valleys!
God of the hills and valleys
And I am not alone!
To the one who set me there (to the one who set me there)
In the valley, I will lift my eyes to the one who sees me there
When I'm standing on the mountain,
I didn't get there on my own
When I'm walking through the valley
I know I am not alone!
You're God of the hills and valleys!
Hills and Valleys!
God of the hills and valleys
And I am not alone!
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