Capes and Carpets

Oh. My. I have been gone quite a while. This has been for a couple of reasons: I started a new job, I have been keeping busy with dog rescue work, and honestly, I haven't really felt the need to write.

What has changed, you may ask? I suppose I have begun another cycle of introspection. I tend to flow in and out of seasons of desiring change and of just coasting. It's not a negative thing. If I focus too much, I will beat myself up very badly; if I don't focus enough, I won't change at all.

Several people have commented on the idea that I am "Superwoman." They tell me I should let my guard down and let someone help me. My response is, "Who? Are YOU volunteering to be that someone?" Usually, the response is either an awkward silence or an embarrassed hemming and hawing, finally responding with "No, but someone."

I have taken care of myself for so long, I don't know how to be any other way, but honestly, it's not out of choice. I would LOVE for someone to come along, not necessarily to take care of me, but for me to lean on. Taking care of everything around me is tiring; making it look like I have everything taken care of, or seemingly don't care when it's tearing me up inside, is debilitating.

I'm not going to lie: I will always be a strong woman, and most likely the guy I end up marrying (if it happens) is going to have a feisty, opinionated warrior on his hands; BUT, the only reason I have been "Superwoman"(which is a false label, anyway) is because I have HAD to.

In my past experiences with people close to me, whenever I leaned on them, the carpet got pulled out from under me. I learned early on that people will disappoint you, even the ones purporting to be your caretaker and /or in your inner circle, so I stopped leaning on people. Not a surprising reaction.

I have to consciously fight against my trained tendency to close myself off, and a few times, I have even managed to ask for help! I still don't really believe people when they promise me things they will do for me. I'm more of a "I'll believe it when it happens" kind of person, especially with certain people that have proved that their promises really don't mean much to them. I take promises VERY seriously.

I struggled long and hard with trusting God as well because if people disappoint you, it's one thing; but if God disappoints you, where do you go? My heart would break in exponential measurements, if such a thing could be measured. In the Orthodox church, we have one or more Psalms read in each service. It is comforting to hear David, one of God's chosen and beloved, making statements that strike a chord somewhere within me or that I have uttered in my life at one time or another. The Psalms as far as content are all over the map, i.e. praising, seeking, confessing, etc. They encompass so many emotions all within a span of 150 verses. As Orthodox Christians, we are to read the Psalms in their entirety at least once every week(the early monks did this daily). If you read nothing else in the Bible for the week, at least reading the Psalms puts your mind in a good reflective state. I'm not saying I make this happen every week, but it's a goal. :)

In a world that emphasizes partnering with people, I find it challenging to be just with God and to be okay with that. I have considered though that in the Garden of Eden, Adam had God and all the animals to himself, and he STILL needed someone else––someone to complete him, although she came out of him. When I think about that, I don't feel so guilty having a desire for someone in addition to God.

So, until the day I have a partner in crime, I plan my life for me and only me, I make no expectations of people in my life, and I will continue pretending to be "Superwoman" as long as my cape is needed to protect me.

On THAT note, I will be spending Thanksgiving Day with the pups.

Coffee Shop Art

There are all kinds of "whisperers": horse, nanny, cat, and, of course, my favorite, the Dog Whisperer himself. There is no such thing as a "human whisperer." This is because while animals behave rationally and predictably, humans do not.

Someone asked me how I know that I can trust them. It's nothing I can really put my finger on. Some people think people that have been abused are hyper aware of body language and vocal inflections. I don't exactly know how I know, but I just go with my initial "gut" reaction towards a person. I know when people are safe and when people are only putting a facade. I also tend to feel a connection with people that have been in similar situations, especially abusive ones, even if they are not exactly like mine. This is only outside my family, of course. :)

I am selective with sharing myself, but I promise I am light years away from where I used to be even a few years ago. Some of it was a conscious decision that I made last summer, and some of it has just been life, I think. I am still such a people-pleaser that I cannot get out of my habit of determining what people want and becoming that, even at the risk of causing detriment to my own emotional psyche.

Recently, I have been focusing on really thinking about what I want-not in an unhealthy way, but in an "I need to take care of me" mentality. I must admit it is much more difficult than I had anticipated. You would think being "selfish" would be easy, but with my people-pleasing mind, it takes an actual effort to think about myself first. With the few times I have said "No" not being failures and no catalysmic world-endings to be seen, it does make me a little bit braver and gives me pause instead of being a "yes-man."

I still see this as being a battle, at least in the forseeable future. It is difficult to undo 30 years of training in a few years. As I walk further and further out from my "safe zone" with no negative repercussions, I do become braver, but I think I will always be difficult to be in a close relationship with. I am stubborn, and I scare way too easily. It reminds me over-correcting in a car. When I make the effort towards improving and receive what I perceive to be a rejection, I jerk back and flee the other direction when what I should be doing is taking a deep breath and coming at it with calm, assertive energy. ;)
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"Trust Me" - The Fray

Looking for something I've never seen.
Alone and I'm in between
The place that I'm from and
The place that I'm in:
A city I've never been.

I found a friend. or should I say foe.
Said there's a few things you should know.
We don't want you to see
We come and we go;
Here today, gone tomorrow.

We're only taking turns
Holding this world.
It's how it's always been.
When you're older, you will understand.

If I say who I know, it just goes to show
You need me less than I need you.
Take it from me
We don't give sympathy
You can trust me trust nobody

But I said you and me
We don't have honesty
The things we don't want to speak
I'll try to get out but I never will
Traffic is perfectly still

Were only taking turns
Holding this world
It's how it's always been
When you're older you will understand

And again maybe you don't
And again maybe you won't

When you're older
You might understand
When you're older
You might understand

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/fray/trustme.html

3 Seconds

A hug is like a bandage to a hurting wound. ~Author Unknown

Embrace. Clasp. Envelope. Squeeze. Cuddle. Enfold. Sarılmak. αγκαλιάζω. обнимать. Umarmen. Kumkumbatia. 

Hugs are amazing and very under-rated. I actually enjoy them. This may surprise some people. Don't get me wrong...I will never be one of those people that goes around hugging everyone they have ever met. I know one of those, and I love her for it, but it's just not me. I have been working this past week on trying not to over-think, as several of my friends (and I) claim I do much too often. Hugging tends to keep me reconnected with the present world, and I try to be more intentional about initiating hugs. I have trouble with this--partially because touch is still a sensitive (no pun intended) issue for me, and partially because I still have a fear of being a burden on people and unwanted by them, so I hold back. I do not reject hugs when they are offered, but I feel awkward about how long, which style, i.e. side, a-frame, etc., or intensity. Irrefutably, though, giving and receiving a hug with a close friend is so healing. It conveys multiple messages of love and caring without having to use an verbal language. If I had my "druthers," it would last however long it needs to with no pressure to end or awkward, uncomfortable tension.

I am definitely not what you would call a clingy person, but I do like the feel of another body next to me. It is one of the reasons I enjoy the animals. Provided I am somewhat familiar with the animal, they will let me hug and love on them to my heart's content. (I would NOT recommend doing this in any situation where you unsure of the animal's reaction.)  Studies have proven that petting animals will lower blood pressure, cholesterol, cortisol and raise serotonin, allergy resistance, and immunity capabilities. Basil does not have to be near me constantly, although he will follow me as I move around the house; yet, somehow, he knows when I need him to be there, and he will put his head in my lap and insist that I pet him. Laika is more like velcro and will be a cuddle buddy, and she insists on being on the couch in constant contact with me while I am watching a movie or typing my blog. Yep, she's there even now. We don't have quite the same bond as I have with Basil, but she cares in her own way, and she lets me use her as a pillow. :)

I looked into Strong's Concordance to see what, if anything, the Bible had to say about hugs or embracing in general. Although the word hug does not appear specifically in the Bible, the parable of the prodigal son is perhaps the easiest example that comes to mind. The father embraces the prodigal son as a result of the compassion that wells up in him. "But while he was yet at a distance, his father saw him and had compassion, and ran and embraced him and kissed him." (Luke 15:20) So, it seems that in any circumstance where there is real, genuine love, hugs are a natural result.

In the icon of the Theotokos above the altar that we call Πλατυτέρα(and in many of her icons), she always has her hands outstretched as a mother waiting for her children to run into her arms for comfort and solace. It is a wonderful thought that I have a place to run to that is always open and where I can relax with no time restraints or expectations.

If you want to give me a hug, I accept! I probably just won't offer you one. :)

Free Hugs
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I Need a Hug - Iain MacKintosh

Doctor Dan, he's a friendly man, big and round like a bear 
He hugs his friends, they hug him - any time, anywhere
Now the patients came for therapy to drive their blues away

And sooner or later they would feel better when they heard Dan say:

Chorus:

I wanna hug when you say hello.
I wanna hug when it's time to go.
I wanna hug because everyone knows
Hugging is good for you 

I wanna hug, it's a wonderful feeling.
Wanna hug, it helps with (it's part of) the healing
Wanna hug, because hugging feels
Like a natural thing to do

When the boss of the hospital heard about this he was most annoyed.

He said, "Hugging is sexual sublimation - according to Doctor Freud.
You can hide them, you can keep them down, you can calm them with your drugs,
You can slap them, zap them with electric shocks, but you can't give them a hug."

Chorus

He said, "Now Dan you'll have to go, this behaviour is no good.
Any deviation from the medical practice could easily get us sued.
Now, Dan doesn't feel too bad for himself; in fact, he's kind of proud,
But he's sorry for the folks who are locked away where hugging's not allowed.

Chorus

(as sung by Iain MacKintosh)

New Chapters in an Old Book

My birthday was yesterday, and it was a very good day. The end of the week is almost a 180 from how the week started off. I have been contemplating alot trying to determine where my car went off the track, so to speak.

Everyone seemed surprised at my age. When I asked how old they thought I was, the most common response was 25. This is not surprising. I have been thought to be younger since the age of 18, when people still thought I was 12. I'm not sure why, exactly. Maybe my maturity level is really low? :) I do have mostly younger friends, so maybe they keep me younger? I know I don't feel as though I am 32. I feel like I am about 23 or so. It almost seems as though I have hit the pause button in life.

In school, I socialized mostly with the NHS members, valedictorians, and honor students, and of course, being myself, I compared myself and quietly competed (and failed) with them. I see their occupations and successes, and I criticize myself harshly for not being in that same league. I realize not everyone has the same path, but even if I haven't quite made it to THAT level, what can I consider as my success in life so far?

What I love about the group of friends I have now is that they come from all over. Yes, there are many similarities, but really, the only thing in common is me. I don't know what that says about my personality, because I know usually, you surround yourself with people that reflect you. So, does that mean I am too indecisive to make decision about what I like? (Me, indecisive?? haha) Or, am I just open-minded about most things? I don't know the answer, but I love all my friends! We don't have to do anything exciting; I just enjoy visiting, and I could do that for hours on end. Sorry, everyone. ;)
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I want to love you, really, I do;
But, when I hear the voices all around us,
And, I hear the criticisms and see the glances,
I distance myself, leaving you in distress.

You have strengths.
You have flaws as I do;
But whenever I need something,
You always seem to come through.

I have ignored you for so long,
And I have no one else to blame.
I am sorry that I can't give you what you need.
It seems all I do to you is hurt and maim.

You are a very special person to me,
And I don't tell you often enough or even at all.
I take you for granted every day
And leave you in the shadows upon the wall.

Every day that I wait, we grow more distant.
Relating less and less to each other.
I just want to hug you until we end,
Until we reach that golden shore.

I cannot avoid you for always.
As each year passes, I see you more clearly.
Most of the time, I push you away,
But, when the chips fall, I want you near me.

You are not dead, I think,
But I can see you hurting.
I don't know how to fix you, though,
And that is the biggest need, I'm certain.

I promise to try harder
To be that person you need.
Just please don't ever leave me,
No matter how much I may plead.

To Forgive is More Human Still

This book was recommended (by a stranger I will most likely never meet) as a result of a prayer request. I am trying to remove the hold my past has on me. The book has had some very eye-opening content. I am still in the middle of it, but there is so much valuable information, and I feel like every other paragraph, I'm stopping to process and let the feeling of relief wash over me. I think the most important statement I have read is, "Forgiveness does NOT mean reunion." It is still a lesson I am trying to learn.

Many times when we think of forgiveness, we think in terms of turning the other cheek. Both my book on boundaries and the forgiveness book talk about healthy boundaries. Just because you have forgiven someone does not mean you have to have an ongoing relationship with that person.

Whew! What a load off my mind!

In some ways, it makes sense. It is not a healthy place to be where you put yourself in a continually damaging position. Who wants torture all the time? It is very harmful for the psyche. Mr. Smedes also talks about it being okay to blame the other person for their betrayal. Blaming them doesn't mean we understand why they did what they did. It doesn't mean we condemn them to hell. It means we hold them responsible for their actions in this particular incident. It means they cannot bother you any longer. Blame has its place. According to Mr. Smedes, "...if he did it, meant to do it, and initiated the action, he is accountable for doing it. If what he did wounded and wronged you personally, you blame him. Only then do you consider forgiving him."

I have people I have held grudges against. Most minor, 2 major, and 1 life-altering. I think where I get stuck is trying to come with some logical reason for the issue, and many times, there isn't one. I go back and forth in blaming myself because I should have been smarter and feeling betrayed because I acted out of faith, and I was torn apart because of it. What upsets me the most, though, is that the longer I hold onto the betrayal, the more power they hold over me, and I don't like other people having power over how I feel and who I am.
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Not Ready to Make Nice - Dixie Chicks

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting

I’m through with doubt
There’s nothing left for me to figure out
I’ve paid a price
And I’ll keep paying

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I know you said
Can’t you just get over it
It turned my whole world around
And I kind of like it

I made my bed and I sleep like a baby
With no regrets and I don’t mind sayin’
It’s a sad sad story when a mother will teach her
Daughter that she ought to hate a perfect stranger
And how in the world can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they’d write me a letter
Sayin’ that I better shut up and sing
Or my life will be over

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

What it is you think I should

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting