New Chapters in an Old Book

My birthday was yesterday, and it was a very good day. The end of the week is almost a 180 from how the week started off. I have been contemplating alot trying to determine where my car went off the track, so to speak.

Everyone seemed surprised at my age. When I asked how old they thought I was, the most common response was 25. This is not surprising. I have been thought to be younger since the age of 18, when people still thought I was 12. I'm not sure why, exactly. Maybe my maturity level is really low? :) I do have mostly younger friends, so maybe they keep me younger? I know I don't feel as though I am 32. I feel like I am about 23 or so. It almost seems as though I have hit the pause button in life.

In school, I socialized mostly with the NHS members, valedictorians, and honor students, and of course, being myself, I compared myself and quietly competed (and failed) with them. I see their occupations and successes, and I criticize myself harshly for not being in that same league. I realize not everyone has the same path, but even if I haven't quite made it to THAT level, what can I consider as my success in life so far?

What I love about the group of friends I have now is that they come from all over. Yes, there are many similarities, but really, the only thing in common is me. I don't know what that says about my personality, because I know usually, you surround yourself with people that reflect you. So, does that mean I am too indecisive to make decision about what I like? (Me, indecisive?? haha) Or, am I just open-minded about most things? I don't know the answer, but I love all my friends! We don't have to do anything exciting; I just enjoy visiting, and I could do that for hours on end. Sorry, everyone. ;)
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I want to love you, really, I do;
But, when I hear the voices all around us,
And, I hear the criticisms and see the glances,
I distance myself, leaving you in distress.

You have strengths.
You have flaws as I do;
But whenever I need something,
You always seem to come through.

I have ignored you for so long,
And I have no one else to blame.
I am sorry that I can't give you what you need.
It seems all I do to you is hurt and maim.

You are a very special person to me,
And I don't tell you often enough or even at all.
I take you for granted every day
And leave you in the shadows upon the wall.

Every day that I wait, we grow more distant.
Relating less and less to each other.
I just want to hug you until we end,
Until we reach that golden shore.

I cannot avoid you for always.
As each year passes, I see you more clearly.
Most of the time, I push you away,
But, when the chips fall, I want you near me.

You are not dead, I think,
But I can see you hurting.
I don't know how to fix you, though,
And that is the biggest need, I'm certain.

I promise to try harder
To be that person you need.
Just please don't ever leave me,
No matter how much I may plead.