Cowardly vulnerability

I am a coward.

You may laugh, but it's true. It may seem praiseworthy that I post on this site what I am feeling on a particular day, but the reality is that I would not say it if I were not behind the safety of this computer.

One of my goals this summer was to make myself more vulnerable and open to those I care about around me. I cannot determine yet if this has been a success. I still run and hide when intimacy appears, and, while I will go ziplining, skydiving, or whitewater rafting(not yet), I do not take any initiative in being truly honest with the people I see on a daily or weekly basis.

Sometimes, I am passive in my life. I watch it go by and then do nothing to change what I do not like. It makes it easy to complain and blame "the world," no?

I will offer my opinion in matters that relate to other people, but if you asked my opinion on anything about myself or my tastes, I would defer to whatever the other person likes or wants to do. I do not like making decisions regarding small everyday choices. I joked with the salesman that it took me longer to decide on which washer and dryer I wanted than whether I wanted to buy my house. It is a true statement.

Maybe this forum is a step in the right direction. I have always excelled at verbal communication. The written form is the easiest for personal issues because I can state and restate what I mean to say so I cannot give too much away.

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"I Bruise Easily"

My skin is like a map
Of where my heart has been
And I cant hide the marks
Its not a negative thing
So I let down my guard
Drop my defences down by my clothes
I'm learning to fall
With no safety net to cushion the blow

I bruise easily
So be gentle when you handle me
Theres a mark you leave
Like a love heart carved on a tree
I bruise easily
Can't scratch the surface
Without moving me underneath
I bruise easily
I bruise easily

I found your fingerprints
On a glass of wine
Do you know you're leaving them
All over this heart of mine too
But if I never take this leap of faith
I'll never know
So im learning to fall
With no safety net to cushion the blow

[Chorus]

Anyone who can touch you
Can hurt you or heal you
Anyone who can reach you
Can love you or leave you

So be gentle...

[Chorus]

I bruise easily
I bruise easily