To Err is Human

Why is forgiveness so difficult? When I make mistakes, I want people to remember that I have "exceptions" and reasons that I am the way I am; however, when I deal with others, I treat them on a blanket basis. When they mess up, as inevitably we all do, I am offended and confused and I don't understand what happened. The closer the person is, the worse the blinders are. You would think that with closer relationships, I would realize even more how human they are, but it doesn't seem to matter.

People are funny little creatures. We are so egocentric that we forget other people are...well, people. I forget the good things people have done for me and to me, and I hold on to the negative moments. How is that any reasonable kind of mentality? From an animalistic/evolutionary reasoning, it does make sense. If you remember the bad, you are most likely not doomed to repetition, but from a humane/rationalizing standpoint, it is very detrimental to your emotional health. In some cases, it can actually cause you to repeat your past!

When someone has transgressed against me, I see them from a flat 2-dimensional view. Of course, there is a difference between accidental betrayal and intentional abuse of trust. No matter how I felt about them before, I think of them in terms of pre-event and post-event. In some ways, the more intimate the relationship before the "event," the more impacting the damage, and the longer it takes to repair the relationship. I suppose this is normal, but all I can answer for is how I perceive it.

I am hardest on myself. I expect myself to be a certain way, and I blame myself for whatever has happened. I do not forgive myself for mistakes I've made, wrong choices, or failures, perceived or otherwise. I think this will be the hardest part. It is easier to forgive other people than to say, "You're not a perfect person, and that's okay."

Part 2 to come....
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Unspoken- Who You Are

I know that look you're givin' like you got something to prove.
'Cause I have walked for miles and miles in that same pair of shoes.
You refuse forgiveness like it's something to be earned.
But sometimes pain's the only way that we can learn.

You can never fall too hard, so fast,
so far that you can't get back when you lost where you are.
It's never too late so bad, so much that you can't change who you are.

Ooohhh, Ooohhh, you can change who you are. Ooohhh, ooohhh.

You believe in freedom, but you don't know how to choose.
You gotta step out of your feelings that you're so afraid to lose.
And everyday you put your feet on the floor you gotta walk through the door,
It's never gonna be easy.
But it's all worth fighting for.

You can never fall too hard, so fast, so far that you can't get back when you lost where you are.
It's never too late so bad, so much that you can't change who you are.

Ooohhh, Ooohhh, you can change who you are. Ooohhh, ooohhh.

So let the ashes fall wherever they land, come back from wherever you've been.
To the foot of the cross, to the feet of Jesus. The feet of Jesus.
You can never fall too hard,
so fast, so far that you can't get back when your lost where you are.
It's never too late so bad, so much that you can't change.

You can never fall too hard, so fast,
so far that you can't get back when your lost where you are.
It's never too late, so bad, so much that you can't change.
At the foot of the cross you change who you are.
At the foot of the cross you change who you are.

http://www.onlylyrics.com/unspoken-lyrics-1087340.php

Smoke and Mirrors

There's this funny rumor going around that I am a strong person. I am to blame for this, since I do give this impression on purpose. I would deny this claim, however, and state that I am selectively "human." I don't go around dwelling on my problems in public. In private, on the other hand, it is a completely different story. I muddle through situations until it either gets better or manageable. You will usually not know that I am less than okay unless you ask me directly and I trust you enough to let you know the real situation. 

My childhood was such that I was not encouraged to feel emotions or have "bad" days. My role models were secretive, closed off, and emphasized appearances above all else. I learned early on that if I was less than perfect, it was criticized and scorned. I also learned that if I did have a struggle, I had to "put up or shut up." I did not tell people when I was not strong because it never seemed to make any difference. So, I handled everything for myself by myself. I saw no point in sharing with others, either, because others were not to be trusted.

It is not that I want to be strong; it's just that I don't have anyone to be strong for me. I don't let people in easily, and I test most people. I don't mean to do it, and I don't realize it until after it happens. If the person doesn't pass the "test," then I withdraw from that relationship, and it takes quite a long time for it to repair itself. While I may be cordial with you, I will never really be as forthcoming.

I used to never cry. I say that with some semblance of pride. I realize that means some kind of damage within myself, but at the time, it seemed I was above all of "it," whatever that meant. I am working on identifying emotions, allowing myself to feel them, and then processing. I don't like crying, and I will never be one of those weepy, melodramatic sirens on the Hollywood screens. It is not that I have disdain for crying; it's just that after a certain point, it doesn't get me anywhere, and I can oftentimes feel worse, and I am still at the same emotional point.

As far as spiritually, I feel as though I am almost at a breakthrough in believing
that being me is enough to be considered God's child. My entire life has been filled with messages of "You are not ____ enough." I have despaired about this on occasion. Almost as if to shock God, I say, "I will never be spiritual/humble/nice/Christian enough, have enough good works, or work hard enough." It is sometimes amusing to think He doesn't know all of this already. Of course He knows all about me, and yet, He still pursues me just as much as anyone else. If I could just dwell in this fact and remember it all the time, I would not care about the thoughts and concerns of anyone else on this earth; not that I wouldn't care about them, but they would not be my idol. Then, I really would be strong.
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Five for Fighting - Superman

I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naive
I'm just out to find
The better part of me

I'm more than a bird, I'm more than a plane
I'm more than some pretty face beside a train
And it's not easy to be me

Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home I'll never see

It may sound absurd, but don't be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed, but won't you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
It's not easy to be me

Up, up and away, away from me
It's all right, you can all sleep sound tonight
I'm not crazy, or anything

I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naive
Men weren't meant to ride
With clouds between their knees

I'm only a man in a silly red sheet
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street
Only a man in a funny red sheet
Looking for special things inside of me
Inside of me
Inside me
Yeah, inside me
Inside of me

I'm only a man
In a funny red sheet
I'm only a man
Looking for a dream

I'm only a man
In a funny red sheet
And it's not easy

Questions and Answers and More Questions

All this time, I have been working under the assumption that it was only others whom I needed to forgive. The truth is, I really need to learn how to forgive myself. During my drive home this week, I heard a lady speaking on the radio about her work with a therapy group in which they work with helping women heal from hard pasts. She spoke about how many times in order to completely heal, we are so focused on forgiving ourselves  when in fact, it is God who forgives. If we could really forgive ourselves, then what would we need God for? We should be praying for help in allowing ourselves to be healed. I like to claim that I do not play the victim, but I enjoy the accolades and praise I get for playing the "martyr" in any conflict.

I also realized (again) today I want the best of both worlds. I want to have my fun, live my life, and then be this spiritual/religious idol that people admire without having to do any work. I don't want to endure the struggles, the suffering, the pangs of self-denial. I don't want to eat my vegetables-I just want to skip straight to dessert.

I admit that I am a strong person, but sometimes, I only struggle partially because that is what people expect and partially because that is all I know to do. Many times, it feels like I am just wading through quicksand trying to keep afloat. My hardest time was, of course, when I was a teenager. When I was 15 my parents were getting divorced, I think the abuse was pretty intense, and I was getting teased in high school. I didn't really have a "safety net," and nowhere to turn. I seriously considered and attempted suicide 2 times. Both times, it was a miraculous turn of events that kept me from dying. I couldn't tell you how I got myself out of it. I just muddled through, and eventually, I came out the other side.

I still have bad days, as many people do, but I think the difference now is when I have bad thoughts, I am better at (but still struggling with) arguing against them instead of falling victim to the trap. I am better equipped at recognizing when it happens, and I am better able to reach out to others or come up with some form of defense-animals, music, writing, etc. I still have unrealistic standards, of course, but I am also getting better at accepting what is.

I've come to believe that God continues to place me in the middle of situations that are not my preferred choice because it continually reminds me how lacking I am. When things are going well, I forget how feeble I am, and how I will never be able to do things well enough to be able to earn His love. It is only when He has stripped me to my core that I realize that no, I will never be good enough, work hard enough, be lovable enough, kind enough, smart enough, or have enough success to be accomplished in His eyes. I'm slowly getting there-to the point where that is all I need, and everything else is just rubbish. I just need to allow myself to be fully healed by God's love, instead of trying to figure everything out on my own as I do currently. Only then can I go through life's bad moments with a real smile, not only on my face, but in my heart.
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Praise You In This Storm - Casting Crowns

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining.

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you."
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away.

[Chorus:]
And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

[Chorus]

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

That which we call a rose...

I have always been wary of excessively using the word "love."

People use love to describe all kinds of relationships to people, places, things, etc. "I LOVE that shirt!" or "I love pepperoni pizza!". I don't mind if people do actually love these things, but there are so many words in the world, even just in the American English language, and many of them fit much better. This reminds me of the elementary school taunts kids said when you stated you loved something: "Then why don't you marry it?"

I am a stickler for precise language, and while I do understand and appreciate metaphors and hyperboles, I continuously think of how inaccurate they are. I have heard words misused and twisted so much that I am skeptical of a person's true meaning. If someone overuses a word, then the impact of the word is lessened. Don't say are starving when you overeat 3 meals a day. Don't claim something takes "forever" when you only had to wait a few minutes longer than normal. I am guilty of this as well, but it does not mean I allow it any more in myself than I do in others.

We often find ourselves contemplating how to describe love. How do you know when it is love and not just an illusion? Does it have to be reciprocated to truly be love? Why do you love some people and not others who are similar? How do you differentiate between different types of affection? Does love always manifest itself the same way? If you question it, does that mean you don't really feel it?

To me, love is still a fairly new concept. My personal experience with it is that people use "love" to hurt you and make things go their way. One family member abused me, another abandoned me, and yet another just used me. I am not screwed up enough that I don't logically realize this is not all over the place, but the key word here is "logically."

There is a quote that says "Love is giving someone the power to destroy you...but trusting them not to." (Unknown) I think this is too simple and inaccurate. Yes, you should trust someone you love to not hurt you, but at the same time, someone can only hurt you if give them that power. I think, ideally, you should be strong enough to stand on your own. I also think this sets up a dynamic for the relationship which can quickly turn to a codependent one if both partners are not on the same page. I understand, obviously, that there is sacrifice. There always is when you are in relationships of any kind with other people.

I do care about my friends and family, although I don't tell them nearly enough. As far as having been "in love," I'm honestly not sure how to answer that. I can tell you when I am angry, I can tell you when I am sad, and I can tell you when I am confused, bored, excited, nervous, etc. I cannot, however, immediately tell you when I love someone. I suppose I am gun-shy about saying it because I worry that as soon as I admit how much I care about someone, it means I need them, and then I am in their power, and they have the capacity to hurt me, if I allow it. I am trying to tell people more how I feel about them, so I never have to worry about people wondering. I am determined, though, that when I do say "love," it will not be a word that I have just bandied about and used in any flippant occasion. It will be a conscious intentional statement so that the person hearing it is left in no doubt as to my feelings.

I CAN genuinely say that I love my dog, Basil, so I've got THAT going for me. ;)
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Deborah Cox - Definition of Love

Write it down a thousand times
four-letter word that makes me cry ,
how I feel about it I can't decide
No I don't know, so I'll improvise,
Is it living in our heart?
Or in our mind, I don't know.
So world ready or not,
Here I go, searching for the answer,
And I'm not gonna stop,
Till I find where it lingers inside me,
How does it come to be?
What should it mean to me?
Teach me the definition of true love.

I was so afraid I'd never succeed
But you made me feel I could do anything
Memorize the things we would say and do
Must be the love and strength that I found in you
Is it living in our heart?
Or in our mind,
I don't know
So world ready , or not
Ooh, Here I go searching for the answer
Till I find where it lives inside me

How does it come to be?
what should it mean to me?
Teach me the definition of true love
Love only feels so good
True love always believes
And it gives way the boundaries,
Willing to sacrifice unconditionally
So world ready, or not
Ooh, here I go
searching for the answer
and I'm not gonna stop
Till I find where it lives inside me

How does it come to be?
what should it mean to me?
Teach me the definition of true love