All this time, I have been working under the assumption that it was only others whom I needed to forgive. The truth is, I really need to learn how to forgive myself. During my drive home this week, I heard a lady speaking on the radio about her work with a therapy group in which they work with helping women heal from hard pasts. She spoke about how many times in order to completely heal, we are so focused on forgiving ourselves when in fact, it is God who forgives. If we could really forgive ourselves, then what would we need God for? We should be praying for help in allowing ourselves to be healed. I like to claim that I do not play the victim, but I enjoy the accolades and praise I get for playing the "martyr" in any conflict.
I also realized (again) today I want the best of both worlds. I want to have my fun, live my life, and then be this spiritual/religious idol that people admire without having to do any work. I don't want to endure the struggles, the suffering, the pangs of self-denial. I don't want to eat my vegetables-I just want to skip straight to dessert.
I admit that I am a strong person, but sometimes, I only struggle partially because that is what people expect and partially because that is all I know to do. Many times, it feels like I am just wading through quicksand trying to keep afloat. My hardest time was, of course, when I was a teenager. When I was 15 my parents were getting divorced, I think the abuse was pretty intense, and I was getting teased in high school. I didn't really have a "safety net," and nowhere to turn. I seriously considered and attempted suicide 2 times. Both times, it was a miraculous turn of events that kept me from dying. I couldn't tell you how I got myself out of it. I just muddled through, and eventually, I came out the other side.
I still have bad days, as many people do, but I think the difference now is when I have bad thoughts, I am better at (but still struggling with) arguing against them instead of falling victim to the trap. I am better equipped at recognizing when it happens, and I am better able to reach out to others or come up with some form of defense-animals, music, writing, etc. I still have unrealistic standards, of course, but I am also getting better at accepting what is.
I've come to believe that God continues to place me in the middle of situations that are not my preferred choice because it continually reminds me how lacking I am. When things are going well, I forget how feeble I am, and how I will never be able to do things well enough to be able to earn His love. It is only when He has stripped me to my core that I realize that no, I will never be good enough, work hard enough, be lovable enough, kind enough, smart enough, or have enough success to be accomplished in His eyes. I'm slowly getting there-to the point where that is all I need, and everything else is just rubbish. I just need to allow myself to be fully healed by God's love, instead of trying to figure everything out on my own as I do currently. Only then can I go through life's bad moments with a real smile, not only on my face, but in my heart.
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Praise You In This Storm - Casting Crowns
I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining.
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you."
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away.
[Chorus:]
And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You
But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
[Chorus]
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth
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