Smoke and Mirrors

There's this funny rumor going around that I am a strong person. I am to blame for this, since I do give this impression on purpose. I would deny this claim, however, and state that I am selectively "human." I don't go around dwelling on my problems in public. In private, on the other hand, it is a completely different story. I muddle through situations until it either gets better or manageable. You will usually not know that I am less than okay unless you ask me directly and I trust you enough to let you know the real situation. 

My childhood was such that I was not encouraged to feel emotions or have "bad" days. My role models were secretive, closed off, and emphasized appearances above all else. I learned early on that if I was less than perfect, it was criticized and scorned. I also learned that if I did have a struggle, I had to "put up or shut up." I did not tell people when I was not strong because it never seemed to make any difference. So, I handled everything for myself by myself. I saw no point in sharing with others, either, because others were not to be trusted.

It is not that I want to be strong; it's just that I don't have anyone to be strong for me. I don't let people in easily, and I test most people. I don't mean to do it, and I don't realize it until after it happens. If the person doesn't pass the "test," then I withdraw from that relationship, and it takes quite a long time for it to repair itself. While I may be cordial with you, I will never really be as forthcoming.

I used to never cry. I say that with some semblance of pride. I realize that means some kind of damage within myself, but at the time, it seemed I was above all of "it," whatever that meant. I am working on identifying emotions, allowing myself to feel them, and then processing. I don't like crying, and I will never be one of those weepy, melodramatic sirens on the Hollywood screens. It is not that I have disdain for crying; it's just that after a certain point, it doesn't get me anywhere, and I can oftentimes feel worse, and I am still at the same emotional point.

As far as spiritually, I feel as though I am almost at a breakthrough in believing
that being me is enough to be considered God's child. My entire life has been filled with messages of "You are not ____ enough." I have despaired about this on occasion. Almost as if to shock God, I say, "I will never be spiritual/humble/nice/Christian enough, have enough good works, or work hard enough." It is sometimes amusing to think He doesn't know all of this already. Of course He knows all about me, and yet, He still pursues me just as much as anyone else. If I could just dwell in this fact and remember it all the time, I would not care about the thoughts and concerns of anyone else on this earth; not that I wouldn't care about them, but they would not be my idol. Then, I really would be strong.
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Five for Fighting - Superman

I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naive
I'm just out to find
The better part of me

I'm more than a bird, I'm more than a plane
I'm more than some pretty face beside a train
And it's not easy to be me

Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home I'll never see

It may sound absurd, but don't be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed, but won't you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
It's not easy to be me

Up, up and away, away from me
It's all right, you can all sleep sound tonight
I'm not crazy, or anything

I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naive
Men weren't meant to ride
With clouds between their knees

I'm only a man in a silly red sheet
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street
Only a man in a funny red sheet
Looking for special things inside of me
Inside of me
Inside me
Yeah, inside me
Inside of me

I'm only a man
In a funny red sheet
I'm only a man
Looking for a dream

I'm only a man
In a funny red sheet
And it's not easy