Oh, Happy Day

I'm really struggling right now, and I don't really know why.

I keep crying, and just when I think I've cried myself out, I get a new onslaught of tears. I've been this way since the weekend, and it doesn't seem to be getting better. I hate myself for allowing it to continue, but I can't seem to make it stop or snap myself out of it. It's partially because I see it as weak, and also because I know it doesn't really help make me feel better, and I hate being whiny.

The other problem is that one thought sets off a litany of others. One insecurity is the catalyst to start the laundry list of things I see wrong with myself. And, believe me, I can pick them out at the drop of a hat before I even finish the question.

I've been dwelling on rejection lately, of all kinds. As I said, one instance brings all the others out to play like recess time. In the fall, I struggled with being second choice/a back-up option/2nd string/alternative in most aspects of my life. Job, friends, church, personal, family--you name it, I could give you chapter and verse to backup and validate my feelings. Now, it seems to have slipped from 2nd string to bottom of the barrel...like a leftover/reject snack at the work potluck. I've been feeling like the LAST choice, not just 2nd. Again, I can give you examples that reinforce why I feel this way, but suffice it to say, rejection has not gotten any easier. In all fairness, I'm not sure the people realize how it affects me, and it's me that feels this way. They have not MADE me feel this way. I am allowing myself to consider their opinion so high that it affects ME.

I know some friends who will tell me that it's because I'm letting my past dictate how I'm feeling, and you know what? I would wholeheartedly agree. I don't know if all of these thoughts and feelings are coming up because I'm trying to work on forgiveness for several members of my family and really people that have affected me in general but I've never really forgiven.

February is the shortest month of the year, but for me, it's also the toughest. I don't know if it's because for the past several months, we've been cooped up inside, and so I'm more sensitive in February, possibly? It is the month that has packed the biggest punches in my life so far.

I know that "This, too, shall pass," but when you're in the middle of the storm, it can be very difficult to keep the faith. Even trying to remind myself of God's infinite love seems to be a trite statement and a cop-out.

I've also realized over the past couple of days that people deal with unhappiness in others in several different ways. Some people only want you to feel better because it makes them feel uncomfortable when you are unhappy, and they want those strange feelings to go away as soon as possible. Some people try to fix you with whatever they see the problem as being whether that is the truth or not. Some people don't even realize it and take everything you say at face value because it's easy. And a few, very few, genuinely want to help you and make you feel better because they care about you as a person and as a friend. For me personally, I am a mixture of all of these, depending on my mood and my relationship to the person.

And I was doing so well...
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Leftover Choices

I cannot fake reality
And a lie is still a lie;
But I can fool many, including myself,
At least until things go awry.

Deep within myself,
I can stuff skeletons into corners.
I just turn off all the lights
And close up the borders.

I'm supposed to open myself up to pain,
But I have no desire for torture.
At what point do I say enough is enough?
At what point have a become the basest creature?

How important is anyone, really?
What do we even mean
To others who are around us
That treat us as though we're unclean?

The world relies on relationships,
It's rumored that everyone has a someone;
I'm sure in most cases that's true,
But what about when you have a no-one?

If I'm at the bottom of all the options,
Then am I really a choice?
If no one listens when I speak,
What's the power of my voice?

No one seems to see
No one seems to hear
No one is a powerful being
That will never appear.

Where seems to be the flaw?
The part that drives you away?
Why am I even asking?
No matter what, I will never be okay.

I sit, locked in my tower of titanium,
staring through the windows at passersby.
A glance upward would reveal all is not well,
But when people look, all they see is the sky.

I cannot say I blame them,
I am as cold as my tower.
I know no other way to be
All my life, I've been a coward.