God & doG

I'm having a not so good day-for a variety of reasons...

It's really my fault. I am a people-pleaser, and I constantly worry about trying to make people like me. When I feel that they don't, I get hurt and offended. It makes me doubt myself, and I wonder where my flaw is that someone wouldn't like me and what I need to do to make it better.

On my way home from work, I plugged in my iPod, and the first song that played was "For All the Saints."

Thou wast their rock, 
their fortress and their might; 
Thou, Lord, their captain
in the well fought fight; 
Thou, in the darkness drear, their one true Light. 
Alleluia, Allelu...

Then after that, it was "O Love That Will Not Let Me Go." It reminded me that when I feel upset and retreat from society and my friends and family, God will continue to chase after me. The more upset I become, the more I withdraw, and God is the only one that will continue to follow me to my deepest, darkest corners where the demons whisper. I can wholeheartedly be myself, screw-up that I am, and He still loves me. Only God and my puppies lack any kind of filter or bias and accept me completely as I am-something even I don't do. There are no requirements, qualifications, or applications necessary. There are no facades, no masks, no evading questions of how I am doing. There is only me and the love that keeps flowing freely to me. God has already fought my passions and won, and I don't have to be the captain, cavalry, and infantry all at once.

I idolize people and worship their opinions. Instead of placing my love and trust in God, I place my judgments and fear in people and emotions and opinions. I try not to be as sensitive as I am-not in a negative way, but in trying to be satisfied with myself at heart. I always argue that I am not the same inside as what people think I am, yet I have no one to blame but myself. People think I am the way I am because that is what I show them. The problem is that I show them what I think they want me to be. Eventually, I get tired of keeping up the image, and the veneer cracks. Sometimes, it's not so major; other times, it causes rifts in relationships and within my soul. It just gets exhausting to be someone else sometimes.

That is why I enjoy being involved in volunteerism, especially with puppy rescues. It gets me outside of my "poor me" mentality, and I can understand being cast aside and feeling lost and confused, and just needing a safe place to stay, at least mentally, for a little while. I don't see it as pitying the person or animal, more of a rope or buoy for the person to hold onto while they catch their breath. Sometimes in life, all you need is a breath.

I may or may not have prayed for God to show me how to be less vainglorious. Boy, what a mistake that was.
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O Love That Will Not Let Me Go - Indelible Grace

1. O Love that will not let me go,
I rest my weary soul in thee;
I give thee back the life I owe,
That in thine ocean depths its flow
May richer, fuller be.

2. O light that followest all my way,
I yield my flickering torch to thee;
My heart restores its borrowed ray,
That in thy sunshine’s blaze its day
May brighter, fairer be.

3. O Joy that seekest me through pain,
I cannot close my heart to thee;
I trace the rainbow through the rain,
And feel the promise is not vain,
That morn shall tearless be.

4. O Cross that liftest up my head,
I dare not ask to fly from thee;
I lay in dust life’s glory dead,
And from the ground there blossoms red
Life that shall endless be.

©1997 Christopher Miner Music.