It may or may not surprise you to know that I have social anxiety. Before you ask, no, I have never been officially diagnosed, but I know myself in social situations. It's not the same as just being shy.
Groups of people stress me out. It's not as bad when I am in a group where I know almost every individual, but the greater the number of people present and the fewer I actually know, the less likely I am to be there. It's A (but not the only) reason I don't go to huge concerts, why I don't like to go shopping in malls, and why you will never find me in a club. Even an event as small as, say, an open house for your company's new location will overwhelm me, and I skedaddle to the safety of my solo residence and dogs as quickly and quietly as possible. Sometimes after church, I toy with the idea of not going into coffee hour to chitchat. More often than not, though, I can manage a short while.
People often ask, "How are you today?" The question directed to me should be, "How social are you feeling today?" Social anxiety and ambiversion do not mesh well. On days that I feel like being social, it's not a catastrophe, but if for some reason I am feeling the need to withdraw, it merely heightens the tendencies that are already there.
I know, I know. I should "just grow up and get over it." I am working on it, but I've also reached that age where I don't have to do something I don't want to. It's a dangerous place to be, as it can become stagnant quite quickly.
Yes, I have a fabulous vocabulary, although, sadly, I do not use as much of it as I would like. However, when I am feeling awkward and flustered, it is as if all the words I have learned in my 34 years have completely vacated my brain, and I have no idea what to say. I am horrible at small talk. I would much rather debate and discuss more cerebral topics. I really couldn't care less about the pop culture of today. Even the mainstream media aims for shock value and negative stories. No wonder people are depressed!
At some point, I am going to HAVE to talk to people. What is completely ironic, though, is that despite having social anxiety, I actually enjoy being around people(caveat: that I know and only in smaller groups). The more I interact with my community, the less my social anxiety controls me. Practice makes perfect?
The holidays can especially be an iffy time. There is such an emphasis on gathering with family and friends you don't often see, but for many people, it can remind one of the feeling of not really being an integral part of something, just merely existing on the outskirts. Multiple parties do not always portray an accurate picture of how the individual really feels beneath the façade.
This makes it even more critical, albeit difficult, to laugh at fear and to march forward confidently into battle--yes, I said battle--and slaughter the many demons of anxiety, disassociation, and cowardice. It's fortuitous that I am so stubborn and determined, then.
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
Friday, November 21, 2014
Teşekkür ederim
Dare I say that I would consider myself to be happy?? I dared it! I went there.
I always hesitate to state that I am happy because inevitably, something will happen and I regress back to an emotional whirlwind, my own not so poetic equivalent of Scylla and Charybdis. I'm determined to some day get to an even keel, not happy, but full of joy. It will happen. I refuse to let it be otherwise.
Life is good, other than a few minor struggles. Despite my perfectionistic tendencies, I find myself very grateful to be where I am. I have wonderful friends, fabulous and sweet pups, a work environment I don't deserve, a fairly good relationship with my family, although, as with all things, it could use improvement, and a myriad of other opportunities and gifts that I am given merely because I am privileged enough to live where I do. I feel like I'm at a good place in terms of my confidence in my own personality.
I haven't done the Days of Thanks this year, not because I don't feel it, but because I'm so busy feeling thankful that I don't feel the need to blast it out to everyone else. (In no way am I commenting about others' motives or sincerity. I can only speak for myself.)
As always, I am on a self-prescribed path of improvement in various areas, but if I looked back in 5 or 10 years, I would not feel disappointed with my life as-is today. I am thankful for the people that have made an impact on my life, even the ones that helped to screw up my life. I would be lying if I said I wouldn't change anything in my past(Who really thinks THAT??), but I do appreciate the ebb and flow of various influences.
I don't know that I have any one person or thing that has had the biggest influence. Obviously, parents are a big deal, but I think all 4 parents (5, if you include step-family) have had a large impact on who I am. Various friends, some more than others, have also changed my life, some for the better, others for the worse. Work hasn't been too much of a game-changer since you tend to be a warm body instead of a person that the employers care about(present employer excluded). Celebrities haven't really impacted my life on a grand, long-lasting scale.
I think every musical soloist needs to perform in a choir or band with whatever their instrument is. Even the most talented singer that can sing perfectly on their own can struggle when they have to consider other voices around them. Maintaining "perfect pitch"–which I do not have–is difficult when you have voices singing at different tempos and pitches and even if they do sing correctly, it throws YOU off because you haven't sung with them before so it's a brand new song, although you've most likely sung it hundreds of times.
One reason I like to use paper maps instead of GPS is because GPS shows you where you are at that specific moment only and how long/far it is to your destination. A paper map shows you where you are in relation to the rest of the world. It gives more of a sense of the collective and less of a "Me, me, me" mentality.
It's so simple and easy to be the nicest, most accomplished, most intelligent, most patient, most trustworthy and trusting person...
...as long as I don't interact with anyone else.
We need relationships with people in order to better ourselves IN relationships with people. Even when we live alone or in a selfish way, that does impact others around us. Sure, I could be a hermit and live alone and do everything online and never interact with another living soul, but how is that even really living??
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Accentuate the Positive - Johnny Mercer & The Pied Pipers
I always hesitate to state that I am happy because inevitably, something will happen and I regress back to an emotional whirlwind, my own not so poetic equivalent of Scylla and Charybdis. I'm determined to some day get to an even keel, not happy, but full of joy. It will happen. I refuse to let it be otherwise.
Life is good, other than a few minor struggles. Despite my perfectionistic tendencies, I find myself very grateful to be where I am. I have wonderful friends, fabulous and sweet pups, a work environment I don't deserve, a fairly good relationship with my family, although, as with all things, it could use improvement, and a myriad of other opportunities and gifts that I am given merely because I am privileged enough to live where I do. I feel like I'm at a good place in terms of my confidence in my own personality.
I haven't done the Days of Thanks this year, not because I don't feel it, but because I'm so busy feeling thankful that I don't feel the need to blast it out to everyone else. (In no way am I commenting about others' motives or sincerity. I can only speak for myself.)
As always, I am on a self-prescribed path of improvement in various areas, but if I looked back in 5 or 10 years, I would not feel disappointed with my life as-is today. I am thankful for the people that have made an impact on my life, even the ones that helped to screw up my life. I would be lying if I said I wouldn't change anything in my past(Who really thinks THAT??), but I do appreciate the ebb and flow of various influences.
I don't know that I have any one person or thing that has had the biggest influence. Obviously, parents are a big deal, but I think all 4 parents (5, if you include step-family) have had a large impact on who I am. Various friends, some more than others, have also changed my life, some for the better, others for the worse. Work hasn't been too much of a game-changer since you tend to be a warm body instead of a person that the employers care about(present employer excluded). Celebrities haven't really impacted my life on a grand, long-lasting scale.
I think every musical soloist needs to perform in a choir or band with whatever their instrument is. Even the most talented singer that can sing perfectly on their own can struggle when they have to consider other voices around them. Maintaining "perfect pitch"–which I do not have–is difficult when you have voices singing at different tempos and pitches and even if they do sing correctly, it throws YOU off because you haven't sung with them before so it's a brand new song, although you've most likely sung it hundreds of times.
One reason I like to use paper maps instead of GPS is because GPS shows you where you are at that specific moment only and how long/far it is to your destination. A paper map shows you where you are in relation to the rest of the world. It gives more of a sense of the collective and less of a "Me, me, me" mentality.
It's so simple and easy to be the nicest, most accomplished, most intelligent, most patient, most trustworthy and trusting person...
...as long as I don't interact with anyone else.
We need relationships with people in order to better ourselves IN relationships with people. Even when we live alone or in a selfish way, that does impact others around us. Sure, I could be a hermit and live alone and do everything online and never interact with another living soul, but how is that even really living??
=================================================================
Accentuate the Positive - Johnny Mercer & The Pied Pipers
You've got to accentuate the positive
Eliminate the negative
Latch on to the affirmative
Don't mess with Mister In-Between
Eliminate the negative
Latch on to the affirmative
Don't mess with Mister In-Between
You've got to spread joy up to the maximum
Bring gloom down to the minimum
Have faith or pandemonium
Liable to walk upon the scene
Bring gloom down to the minimum
Have faith or pandemonium
Liable to walk upon the scene
To illustrate his last remark
Jonah in the whale, Noah in the ark
What did they do
Just when everything looked so dark
Jonah in the whale, Noah in the ark
What did they do
Just when everything looked so dark
Man, they said we better, accentuate the positive
Eliminate the negative
Latch on to the affirmative
Don't mess with Mister In-Between
No, do not mess with Mister In-Between
Eliminate the negative
Latch on to the affirmative
Don't mess with Mister In-Between
No, do not mess with Mister In-Between
Do you hear me?
Oh, listen to me children and-a you will hear
About the elininatin' of the negative
And the accent on the positive
And gather 'round me children if you're willin'
And sit tight while I start reviewin'
The attitude of doin' right
About the elininatin' of the negative
And the accent on the positive
And gather 'round me children if you're willin'
And sit tight while I start reviewin'
The attitude of doin' right
You've gotta accentuate the positive
Eliminate the negative
Latch on to the affirmative
Don't mess with Mister In-Between
Eliminate the negative
Latch on to the affirmative
Don't mess with Mister In-Between
You've got to spread joy up to the maximum
Bring gloom, down to the minimum
Otherwise pandemonium
Liable to walk upon the scene
Bring gloom, down to the minimum
Otherwise pandemonium
Liable to walk upon the scene
To illustrate my last remark
Jonah in the whale, Noah in the ark
What did they say
Say when everything looked so dark
Jonah in the whale, Noah in the ark
What did they say
Say when everything looked so dark
Man, they said we better accentuate the positive
Eliminate the negative
Latch on to the affirmative
Don't mess with Mister In-Between
No, don't mess with Mister In-Between
Eliminate the negative
Latch on to the affirmative
Don't mess with Mister In-Between
No, don't mess with Mister In-Between
Thursday, October 30, 2014
Atlas Forgot to Shrug
"You're second-rate."
"You're a convenience-only friend."
"People will always forget about you."
"You're only the option when there's nothing better."
These thoughts have been in my head in some form or another for so long, I don't even remember a time without them. On good days, I can brush them off and feel secure of my place in people's lives. They glimmer so faintly, I don't even remember they are there. On a bad day, it's a completely different story. I justify why I feel the way I do and recite any examples where I am validated for why I should feel this way. It's a dangerous spiral into depression, and there is no algorithm to determine how long it will last or what will snap me out of it.
I know I'm not "first-string" in anybody's life, rarely even "second-string", but sometimes, it feels like I'm the last option if nothing else has panned out. It's quite a crushing blow to feel like your own life movie has others cast as the movie stars and you're resigned to a supporting role.
While I do confess to constantly wanting people to idolize me, the reality is that I hate being in the spotlight. I like recognition for my contributions but not being the center of attention. A friend mentioned to me that I don't jump in and make myself part of activities and groups. This is something I don't anticipate ever happening with general groups. I will NEVER push myself into an area where I don't feel wanted. Of course, this stems from abandonment issues initiated from the adoption and repeatedly reinforced by a lack of a stable and loving environment at home, PTSD, and a few other experiences.
What is that I fear necessarily? I worry that I will become a burden upon friends, and they, in turn, will feel I do not have enough value to keep in their life. So, I lose my identity, become whatever they need me to be, do whatever needs doing, and keep up the nice, shiny image they want to see. It's all a game of smoke and mirrors, my friends.
People often comment on how strong and capable I am of taking care of things, for myself and for others. The truth is: I barely manage to keep my life balanced and on an even course. I don't WANT to have to fight my own life battles. It's not that I want to play the "damsel in distress"; I hate that portrayal, but admittedly, it would be nice to have someone just to share the emotional burden with, someone who's on my side(even if it means being against me in a discussion). They don't have to actually DO anything for me or fight the battles. Just having someone I can emotionally vomit to makes a huge impact.
Why do I not share this emotional weight with friends? Because it's not the same. Friends have their own commitments and obligations, especially if they have a romantic relationship or children. Yes, I may ask people for help every now and then, but one thing I've learned through the years is that with juggling all the varied responsibilities in my life, if I entrust someone with one and they "drop the ball", then I am the one left picking up the pieces. I realize I cannot remain (healthily) closed off from everyone, but it just reinforces being super selective with who is granted a key to my world.
What is the solution to this? I don't have the answer right now. I have been trying to process a lot of thoughts and questioning my reasoning (trying to do this logically and rationally) about why I do things. I'm trying to implement healthy habits and actually admit when I'm having a not-so-good day. It's a slow process. I haven't seen any visible change yet, but I'm determined it will happen eventually.
==============================================
Burden
I never meant to be a burden
Oh I just worry more than I’d like to
I never meant to be a burden
Please forgive me if I’ve weighed on you
For so long I have lived amongst the shadows
Waiting for the sun to break on through
Oh it’s time I cast my oars and head out on these shores
And find some place where I can start anew
I never meant to be a burden
Oh I just worry more than I’d like to
I never meant to be a burden
Please forgive me if I’ve weighed on you
Oh forgive if I’ve weighed upon your back
It’s so heavy already without me
Going ahead into this abyss and find my own way out of this
So you can walk ahead more easily
I never meant to be a burden
But you're the light that is guiding me through
I never meant to be a burden
Please forgive me if I’ve weighed on you
"You're a convenience-only friend."
"People will always forget about you."
"You're only the option when there's nothing better."
These thoughts have been in my head in some form or another for so long, I don't even remember a time without them. On good days, I can brush them off and feel secure of my place in people's lives. They glimmer so faintly, I don't even remember they are there. On a bad day, it's a completely different story. I justify why I feel the way I do and recite any examples where I am validated for why I should feel this way. It's a dangerous spiral into depression, and there is no algorithm to determine how long it will last or what will snap me out of it.
I know I'm not "first-string" in anybody's life, rarely even "second-string", but sometimes, it feels like I'm the last option if nothing else has panned out. It's quite a crushing blow to feel like your own life movie has others cast as the movie stars and you're resigned to a supporting role.
While I do confess to constantly wanting people to idolize me, the reality is that I hate being in the spotlight. I like recognition for my contributions but not being the center of attention. A friend mentioned to me that I don't jump in and make myself part of activities and groups. This is something I don't anticipate ever happening with general groups. I will NEVER push myself into an area where I don't feel wanted. Of course, this stems from abandonment issues initiated from the adoption and repeatedly reinforced by a lack of a stable and loving environment at home, PTSD, and a few other experiences.
What is that I fear necessarily? I worry that I will become a burden upon friends, and they, in turn, will feel I do not have enough value to keep in their life. So, I lose my identity, become whatever they need me to be, do whatever needs doing, and keep up the nice, shiny image they want to see. It's all a game of smoke and mirrors, my friends.
People often comment on how strong and capable I am of taking care of things, for myself and for others. The truth is: I barely manage to keep my life balanced and on an even course. I don't WANT to have to fight my own life battles. It's not that I want to play the "damsel in distress"; I hate that portrayal, but admittedly, it would be nice to have someone just to share the emotional burden with, someone who's on my side(even if it means being against me in a discussion). They don't have to actually DO anything for me or fight the battles. Just having someone I can emotionally vomit to makes a huge impact.
Why do I not share this emotional weight with friends? Because it's not the same. Friends have their own commitments and obligations, especially if they have a romantic relationship or children. Yes, I may ask people for help every now and then, but one thing I've learned through the years is that with juggling all the varied responsibilities in my life, if I entrust someone with one and they "drop the ball", then I am the one left picking up the pieces. I realize I cannot remain (healthily) closed off from everyone, but it just reinforces being super selective with who is granted a key to my world.
What is the solution to this? I don't have the answer right now. I have been trying to process a lot of thoughts and questioning my reasoning (trying to do this logically and rationally) about why I do things. I'm trying to implement healthy habits and actually admit when I'm having a not-so-good day. It's a slow process. I haven't seen any visible change yet, but I'm determined it will happen eventually.
==============================================
Burden
I never meant to be a burden
Oh I just worry more than I’d like to
I never meant to be a burden
Please forgive me if I’ve weighed on you
For so long I have lived amongst the shadows
Waiting for the sun to break on through
Oh it’s time I cast my oars and head out on these shores
And find some place where I can start anew
I never meant to be a burden
Oh I just worry more than I’d like to
I never meant to be a burden
Please forgive me if I’ve weighed on you
Oh forgive if I’ve weighed upon your back
It’s so heavy already without me
Going ahead into this abyss and find my own way out of this
So you can walk ahead more easily
I never meant to be a burden
But you're the light that is guiding me through
I never meant to be a burden
Please forgive me if I’ve weighed on you
Sunday, April 20, 2014
Pupdate
It's been almost 13 weeks since I lost my first fur-kid. It's been 13 weeks, and it still hurts.
Overall, the feeling of overwhelming loss has diminished, but periodically, I'll think of memories with Basil, and I start to tear up. Warm days spent walking and hiking outside remind me of a frolicky puppy that was willing to go wherever I wanted. Cold days under blankets remind me of a mellow body pillow that was attuned to my needs. Overall, the largest impact is his departure has left me feeling alone.
I realize I have friends and family that love me; however, at the end of the day, everyone has his own life. Even best friends can only be there so often. When everyone goes home, it's just me on my own as always. I haven't had much stability in my life and not too many people I can rely on implicitly, so when I have something that lasted 12 years that is no longer there, it feels much like a shockwave, and I'm still feeling the ripples and finding my balance.
One thing I've been repeatedly reminded of during this past Lenten season (that God keeps trying to tell me in multiple ways but I have yet to learn) is that relying on anything other than God will disappoint you. I'm sure you're thinking, "Duh! How have you not realized this before?!" As stated previously, I have "learned" this before, but I need reminders, sometimes a sledgehammer to the brain, every so often to keep me in check.
Other than losing Basil, several human relationships changed during the first part of this year. People left, are going to leave, or in some way, emotionally changed. All of this is to remind me that I DON'T have total faith and trust in God, and I make idols of many other things in my life. I only love God as much as is necessary (if even that) to claim to be a struggling Christian. I've thought many times about what it would look like if I truly loved God and wanted to please Him and be with Him. I don't know that I even want to go to Heaven at this point. If Heaven is where God is, and I don't love Him enough on this earth, why would I want to spend eternity with Him?
Therefore, God has to repeatedly pull things away from me that take my focus off Him so that I can remember that He is the only constant in my life, and while people are wonderful blessings(even the "challenging" ones), they are not to be placed in any position of worship or idolatry, as I am wont to do. Maybe, just maybe, one of these years, I will be able to learn this simple, yet difficult, lesson.
==================================================
This Was From ME
(Long but beautiful)
Overall, the feeling of overwhelming loss has diminished, but periodically, I'll think of memories with Basil, and I start to tear up. Warm days spent walking and hiking outside remind me of a frolicky puppy that was willing to go wherever I wanted. Cold days under blankets remind me of a mellow body pillow that was attuned to my needs. Overall, the largest impact is his departure has left me feeling alone.
I realize I have friends and family that love me; however, at the end of the day, everyone has his own life. Even best friends can only be there so often. When everyone goes home, it's just me on my own as always. I haven't had much stability in my life and not too many people I can rely on implicitly, so when I have something that lasted 12 years that is no longer there, it feels much like a shockwave, and I'm still feeling the ripples and finding my balance.
One thing I've been repeatedly reminded of during this past Lenten season (that God keeps trying to tell me in multiple ways but I have yet to learn) is that relying on anything other than God will disappoint you. I'm sure you're thinking, "Duh! How have you not realized this before?!" As stated previously, I have "learned" this before, but I need reminders, sometimes a sledgehammer to the brain, every so often to keep me in check.
Other than losing Basil, several human relationships changed during the first part of this year. People left, are going to leave, or in some way, emotionally changed. All of this is to remind me that I DON'T have total faith and trust in God, and I make idols of many other things in my life. I only love God as much as is necessary (if even that) to claim to be a struggling Christian. I've thought many times about what it would look like if I truly loved God and wanted to please Him and be with Him. I don't know that I even want to go to Heaven at this point. If Heaven is where God is, and I don't love Him enough on this earth, why would I want to spend eternity with Him?
Therefore, God has to repeatedly pull things away from me that take my focus off Him so that I can remember that He is the only constant in my life, and while people are wonderful blessings(even the "challenging" ones), they are not to be placed in any position of worship or idolatry, as I am wont to do. Maybe, just maybe, one of these years, I will be able to learn this simple, yet difficult, lesson.
==================================================
This Was From ME
(Long but beautiful)
Have you ever thought that everything that touches you touches Me as well? For that which touches you touches the apple of My eye.
You are dear in my eyes, precious, and I have loved you; therefore it is a particular pleasure for Me to educate you.
When temptations arise against you, and the enemy comes like a river, I want you to know—This was from Me.
Your weakness needs My strength, and your safety comes from giving Me the opportunity to fight for you. If you find yourself in difficult circumstances, among people who do not understand you, who do not take what you like into consideration, who alienate you—This was from Me.
I am God, Who arranges circumstances. It was no accident that you find yourself in the place where you are; this is the place I have appointed for you. Did you not ask that I teach you humility? Well, then, look: I have placed you in precisely that place, in that school, where this lesson is learned. Your surroundings and those who live with you are only fulfilling My will. If you find yourself in financial difficulty, if you find it hard to make ends meet—This was from Me.
For I have your material means at my disposal. I want you to call unto me, for you to be dependent upon Me. My reserves are inexhaustible. I want you to be confirmed in fidelity to Me and to My promises. May it not be said to you in your need: “You did not believe in the Lord your God.”
Are you in a night of suffering? Are you separated from your loved ones and those close to your heart? This was from Me.
I am the Man of suffering, Who has tasted affliction. I have allowed this so that you would turn to Me, so that in Me you would find eternal comfort. If you have been let down by your friend, to someone to whom you opened your heart—This was from Me.
I allowed this disappointment to touch you so that you would know that your best friend is the Lord. I want you to bring everything to Me and to speak to Me.
Has someone slandered you? Give this to me, and bring your soul closer to Me, your Refuge, to hide from the “contradiction of the nations.” I shall bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your judgment as the noonday. If your plans have been destroyed, if you are downtrodden in soul and tired—This was from Me.
You made plans, and brought them to Me, so that I would bless them. But I want you to leave Me in charge of the circumstances of your life, and then responsibility for everything will be Mine, for this is too difficult for you; by yourself you can not manage them, for you are only an instrument, and not the actor. If unanticipated problems of life have visited you, and if despondency has seized your heart, then know—This was from Me.
For I want your heart and your soul to be always aflame before My eyes; to conquer faint-heartedness of the soul in My name. If you do not hear from your dear ones and friends for a long time, and in your faint-heartedness fall into despondency and grumbling, know—This was from Me.
By this anguish in your spirit, I test the strength of your faith in the surety of My promise and the strength of your boldness in prayer for these dear ones of yours. Was it not you who entrusted them to the Protection of My All-Pure Mother? Was it not you who once entrusted their care to My providential love? If serious illness, either temporary or incurable, has visited you, and has confined to your bed, then know—This was from Me.
For I want you to know Me even more deeply in you bodily infirmities, so that you would not grumble over this trial sent to you, that you would not try to penetrate My plans through different means for the salvation of people’s souls, but that you would uncomplainingly and submissively bow you neck under My goodness towards you. If you have dreamed of performing some special deed for Me, and instead haven fallen onto a bed of sickness and weakness—This was from Me.
Then you would have been immersed in your activities, and I would not have been able to attract your thoughts to Me, for I want to teach you My deepest thoughts and lessons, so that you would be in My service. I want to teach you to recognize that you are nothing. Some of My best co-workers are those who have been cut off from vital activity, that they would learn to wield the weapon of unceasing prayer.
Have you unexpectedly been called to occupy a difficult and responsible position? Go, place it on Me. I entrust these difficulties to you so that the Lord God would bless you for this in all your deeds, on all your paths, in everything that will done by your hands. On this day I put into your hands a vessel of holy oil. Use it generously, My children! Every difficulty that arises, every word that insults you, every obstacle to your work that could elicit in you a feeling of annoyance, every revelation of your weakness and inability, shall be anointed with this oil.
Remember that every obstacle is a Divine instruction. Every sting will be dulled when you learn to see Me in everything that touches you. Therefore place the word I have declared to you today in your heart: This was from Me. For this is not an empty matter for you—this is your life.
Monday, February 10, 2014
Leaky Facets
Everyone knows I love dogs. It's obviously not something I hide, but it's not all of who I am.
Some relationships with others are only on one level. All they know about me and all we talk about are dogs. I realize that this topic is the only one they know to talk with me about, but if it's the only one they talk to me about, then of course it's the only one they're going to bring up, and so, it will be the only thing I talk to them about. When you only relate with someone on one topic, that's all you see.
I am so much more than just about dogs, though, and it does get a little wearying to only talk about one thing all the time. If you know me at all, you know I have an opinion on everything, even things I shouldn't! Of course, this is not necessarily a good thing; but my point is, that I love talking about anything and everything possible. If I don't know about something, I will research it and find out as much as I can until I get bored and move on. I enjoy learning about science, literature, languages, cultures, music, horses, theology, culinary arts, fine arts, history, psychology, and so much more. I love picking things apart and figuring out the whys and wheres of anything possible.
I do love a good debate, though, and oftentimes, I will take the opposite viewpoint of what I actually believe because I enjoy arguing with everyone, even myself, and it also keeps me from stagnating mentally and I understand why I believe what I believe. It keeps me open-minded, but also reinforces many of my beliefs.
Maybe it's my fault for not being as forthcoming about other interests as I am about dogs, but it may surprise you (NOT!) to know I get anxious in social situations, even with close friends, so I fall back on what topics I know the most about. It's humorous to me that I work at a company that designs presentations and provides training on how to deliver presentations, and yet, I cannot comfortably speak in front of more than 5 people without disassociating until my contribution is over(Is that irony? I can't remember my high school English lessons). I really dread being in the spotlight, even when I'm in my "comfort zone."
It's easy to assume what others like, dislike, thoughts on current events, or struggles. The problem with paying attention to only one facet of a person is that you ignore the rest of them and then I wonder can you ever really say you like or love that person?
God knows all sides of me, all moods, all "personalities", etc. The wonder of it all is that He doesn't reject me. I'm not saying I am the worst possible sinner, but I am definitely not even close to being a saint.
========================================
You Won't Let Go - Michael W. Smith
No shadow comes without the light making a way
No raging storm can ever defy one word of faith
My heart remains sure in the wind, sure in the waves
You are the anchor for my soul
You won't let go
You won't let go
No matter what may come I know
You won't let go
You won't let go
No valley low, changes the truth
So I'm not afraid
You hold me close
You lead me through and light up the way
Neither life, neither death,
The highest high, the deepest depth
Nothing can
Nothing can separate
Neither tears, neither trial
Certain as the sun will rise
Nothing can
Nothing can separate
My heart remains sure in the wind, sure in the waves, always.
Some relationships with others are only on one level. All they know about me and all we talk about are dogs. I realize that this topic is the only one they know to talk with me about, but if it's the only one they talk to me about, then of course it's the only one they're going to bring up, and so, it will be the only thing I talk to them about. When you only relate with someone on one topic, that's all you see.
I am so much more than just about dogs, though, and it does get a little wearying to only talk about one thing all the time. If you know me at all, you know I have an opinion on everything, even things I shouldn't! Of course, this is not necessarily a good thing; but my point is, that I love talking about anything and everything possible. If I don't know about something, I will research it and find out as much as I can until I get bored and move on. I enjoy learning about science, literature, languages, cultures, music, horses, theology, culinary arts, fine arts, history, psychology, and so much more. I love picking things apart and figuring out the whys and wheres of anything possible.
I do love a good debate, though, and oftentimes, I will take the opposite viewpoint of what I actually believe because I enjoy arguing with everyone, even myself, and it also keeps me from stagnating mentally and I understand why I believe what I believe. It keeps me open-minded, but also reinforces many of my beliefs.
Maybe it's my fault for not being as forthcoming about other interests as I am about dogs, but it may surprise you (NOT!) to know I get anxious in social situations, even with close friends, so I fall back on what topics I know the most about. It's humorous to me that I work at a company that designs presentations and provides training on how to deliver presentations, and yet, I cannot comfortably speak in front of more than 5 people without disassociating until my contribution is over(Is that irony? I can't remember my high school English lessons). I really dread being in the spotlight, even when I'm in my "comfort zone."
It's easy to assume what others like, dislike, thoughts on current events, or struggles. The problem with paying attention to only one facet of a person is that you ignore the rest of them and then I wonder can you ever really say you like or love that person?
God knows all sides of me, all moods, all "personalities", etc. The wonder of it all is that He doesn't reject me. I'm not saying I am the worst possible sinner, but I am definitely not even close to being a saint.
========================================
You Won't Let Go - Michael W. Smith
No shadow comes without the light making a way
No raging storm can ever defy one word of faith
My heart remains sure in the wind, sure in the waves
You are the anchor for my soul
You won't let go
You won't let go
No matter what may come I know
You won't let go
You won't let go
No valley low, changes the truth
So I'm not afraid
You hold me close
You lead me through and light up the way
Neither life, neither death,
The highest high, the deepest depth
Nothing can
Nothing can separate
Neither tears, neither trial
Certain as the sun will rise
Nothing can
Nothing can separate
My heart remains sure in the wind, sure in the waves, always.
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
My Love
After 12 years, my world has changed today.
I put my dog, Basil, to sleep.
Even typing those words is killing me, and I feel like my heart is literally breaking into pieces. These past few weeks, while fighting some type of infection, he just stopped eating, and at the end, he was literally skin, fur, and bones. As I type this, he is laying in the backseat of my car wrapped in a blanket. I don't know why I thought I would be able to bury him. I did want him near me, but I don't know what I was thinking. I'm not that strong. All I want to do is tuck him into bed and cover him with a blanket, not put him in the cold ground with dirt. I have grieved him several times over the past several weeks, months, and years, even; but, somehow, it was never real before today saying the words out loud.
To those who think I'm over-reacting and that he's "just a dog", you have to understand what Basil was to me and my life pre-Basil:
I was closed-off; Basil opened my heart.
I fought depression: Basil was my therapist.
I didn't believe in love; Basil was my 1st experience at unconditional love.
I doubted God; Basil showed me God was taking care of me.
I got stressed out; Basil would sit with me through the stress until I relaxed.
I feared intimacy; Basil taught me to trust.
I got sad and angry; Basil was always happy.
I worried about the future; Basil taught me to live each day individually and fully.
I don't make friends easily; Basil never met a stranger and only growled at 1 person in his entire life.
I had no friends; Basil was always my best friend without me having to earn it.
I didn't want to cry in front of anyone; Basil would let me hug him and cry on his shoulder however long I needed.
I have social anxiety; Basil didn't need to be entertained as long as he was around me.
I became angry with him when he ate a loaf of bread of the counter; Basil loved me anyway.
I came home from work after hours of neglecting him; Basil always wagged his tail and brought a toy to me at the door.
I didn't like asking for help; Basil knew when I needed him and when he could go elsewhere.
I didn't like yappy dogs; Basil only barked when he was looking at a squirrel in the tree thinking it was going to fall into his mouth.
I got scared to get out of my comfort zone; Basil was always up for an adventure.
I didn't trust men; Basil was oftentimes the only male I felt I could count on.
I kept lots of secrets; Basil would listen to me talk for hours and never interrupt or judge me.
I was not active; Basil was always ready for a walk or to play with his beloved tennis ball.
I kept myself isolated; Basil made me have to think about someone other than myself.
Basil was my best friend, my soul-dog, my teacher, my pillow, my emotional support, my best hugging partner, my sleeping buddy, my hiking companion, my movie watcher, my comic relief, my grooming experiment, my secret keeper, my child, my travel partner, my road warrior, yes, sometimes even my idol, and so much more than I cannot even begin to remember at this point.
I think Basil took better care of me than I did of him. God knew exactly what I needed in February 2002 when I took a random trip to the Murfreesboro Animal Shelter. Amongst all the yappers was an adorable, black 10-week old puppy incorrectly(and divinely)labeled a Newfoundland mix. Our eyes connected, and that was it.
I know there will be other dogs, and I love Laika and Pepper, but there will never be another Basil for me.
Monday, January 6, 2014
Marathons
True commitment seems like a rare thing these days. With so many options available and everyone wanting an instant, get-rich/thin/famous-quick life story, the appeal of endurance has slightly lost its luster. People are reluctant to get involved or stick things out past the rough patches. Jobs are changed every couple of years, romantic relationships are exchanged every couple of months when it "didn't work out", and friends are lost by the wayside as people migrate to other cities, states, and sometimes even countries.
When you are placed into a psychiatric institution("mental ward"), you are "committed", and maybe commitment is a little crazy. It does take some nerves, dedication, and oftentimes, idiocy to be dedicated to something so devoutly. It is the opposite of sanity, occasionally, when everything inside you is telling you to get out and you ignore that and dive right back into the midst of the battle.
With promises being so important to me, you would think commitment would be very important to me. And, it is, BUT... I am commitment-phobic. That's right. I'm putting it out there. I stress myself out so much, that I rarely try things in case they fail. Yep, I plan on failing from the start. The funny thing is that I am much better at being committed to other people's problems than my own. I am one of the best sideline cheerleaders you'll ever meet, and while I do get some sort of pleasure and satisfaction about helping others with bettering their lives, it is really more of a distraction/avoidance technique for me. If I'm focusing on others, I don't need to look at what I need to improve.
My introspective self swings like a pendulum. On one end, I know myself and my insecurities, strengths, coping mechanisms, etc. On the other end, I put on blinders and become oblivious and stagnant in my personal, and sometimes spiritual, life. It isn't until someone removes the mud from my eyes that I realize where I've ended up.
I find this all somewhat amusing because, despite my commitment phobia issues, I really am more of an endurance/in-it-for-the-longer-haul kind of person. My sister was always the one that had the spark and the bright, shiny packaging, while I meld into the background, like a slow-burning ember in the fire. She was the show-quality Poodle or Thoroughbred race horse, while I was the mutt or the wild mustang, whom nobody gave a second glance. It used to bother me a lot, but while the thoughts of feeling lesser have not disappeared, they have slightly diminished. I realize that, while there are people that will prefer that type of person, there are others who are more "my type" of friends and colleagues.
I am surprised sometimes that I have remained Orthodox this long. Not because I don't love the church or because I have doubts, but because it has required lots of commitment. Some of the spiritual struggles have been difficult, and there have been several times where I have debated the validity and the point of it all and considered throwing in the towel. But, much like any personal relationship, I find myself empty and missing without it. I'll admit there are times I do just coast along without doing any real spiritual healing or diagnosing, but the majority of the time, Orthodoxy fills the majority of my soul, with personal relationships, work, and various other parts of life, filling in the rest.
Would I say I am committed to God? I would like to say yes, but the truth is, I really have no idea. It's easy to say in a time period where words mean nothing and persecution is not blatant, but if it came down to me losing my head or spending time in jail? I can't honestly be sure, and that just makes me sad. God is committed to ME and my salvation; why can't I be the same to Him?
=========================================================
Love Alone is Worth the Fight - Switchfoot
I'm trying to find where my place is
I'm looking for my own oasis
So close I can taste this
The fear that love alone erases
So I'm back to the basics
I figure it's time I face this
Time to take my own advice
Love alone is worth the fight
Love alone is worth the fight
And I never thought it'd come to this
But it seems like I'm finally feeling numb to this
The funny thing about a name is
You forget what the reason you were playing the game is
And it's all an illusion
A 21st century institution
So I'm headed down the open road unknown
And we find what we're made of
Through the open door
Is it fear you're afraid of?
What are you waiting for?
Love alone is worth the fight
Love alone is worth the fight
We're only here for a season
I'm looking for the rhyme and reason
Why you're born, why you're leaving
What you fear and what you believe in
Why you're living and breathing
Why you're fighting it and getting it even
Let's go headed down the open road unknown
And we find what we're made of
Through the open door
Is it fear you're afraid of?
What are you waiting for?
Love alone is worth the fight
Love alone is worth the fight
When you are placed into a psychiatric institution("mental ward"), you are "committed", and maybe commitment is a little crazy. It does take some nerves, dedication, and oftentimes, idiocy to be dedicated to something so devoutly. It is the opposite of sanity, occasionally, when everything inside you is telling you to get out and you ignore that and dive right back into the midst of the battle.
With promises being so important to me, you would think commitment would be very important to me. And, it is, BUT... I am commitment-phobic. That's right. I'm putting it out there. I stress myself out so much, that I rarely try things in case they fail. Yep, I plan on failing from the start. The funny thing is that I am much better at being committed to other people's problems than my own. I am one of the best sideline cheerleaders you'll ever meet, and while I do get some sort of pleasure and satisfaction about helping others with bettering their lives, it is really more of a distraction/avoidance technique for me. If I'm focusing on others, I don't need to look at what I need to improve.
My introspective self swings like a pendulum. On one end, I know myself and my insecurities, strengths, coping mechanisms, etc. On the other end, I put on blinders and become oblivious and stagnant in my personal, and sometimes spiritual, life. It isn't until someone removes the mud from my eyes that I realize where I've ended up.
I find this all somewhat amusing because, despite my commitment phobia issues, I really am more of an endurance/in-it-for-the-longer-haul kind of person. My sister was always the one that had the spark and the bright, shiny packaging, while I meld into the background, like a slow-burning ember in the fire. She was the show-quality Poodle or Thoroughbred race horse, while I was the mutt or the wild mustang, whom nobody gave a second glance. It used to bother me a lot, but while the thoughts of feeling lesser have not disappeared, they have slightly diminished. I realize that, while there are people that will prefer that type of person, there are others who are more "my type" of friends and colleagues.
I am surprised sometimes that I have remained Orthodox this long. Not because I don't love the church or because I have doubts, but because it has required lots of commitment. Some of the spiritual struggles have been difficult, and there have been several times where I have debated the validity and the point of it all and considered throwing in the towel. But, much like any personal relationship, I find myself empty and missing without it. I'll admit there are times I do just coast along without doing any real spiritual healing or diagnosing, but the majority of the time, Orthodoxy fills the majority of my soul, with personal relationships, work, and various other parts of life, filling in the rest.
Would I say I am committed to God? I would like to say yes, but the truth is, I really have no idea. It's easy to say in a time period where words mean nothing and persecution is not blatant, but if it came down to me losing my head or spending time in jail? I can't honestly be sure, and that just makes me sad. God is committed to ME and my salvation; why can't I be the same to Him?
=========================================================
Love Alone is Worth the Fight - Switchfoot
I'm trying to find where my place is
I'm looking for my own oasis
So close I can taste this
The fear that love alone erases
So I'm back to the basics
I figure it's time I face this
Time to take my own advice
Love alone is worth the fight
Love alone is worth the fight
And I never thought it'd come to this
But it seems like I'm finally feeling numb to this
The funny thing about a name is
You forget what the reason you were playing the game is
And it's all an illusion
A 21st century institution
So I'm headed down the open road unknown
And we find what we're made of
Through the open door
Is it fear you're afraid of?
What are you waiting for?
Love alone is worth the fight
Love alone is worth the fight
We're only here for a season
I'm looking for the rhyme and reason
Why you're born, why you're leaving
What you fear and what you believe in
Why you're living and breathing
Why you're fighting it and getting it even
Let's go headed down the open road unknown
And we find what we're made of
Through the open door
Is it fear you're afraid of?
What are you waiting for?
Love alone is worth the fight
Love alone is worth the fight
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Atalanta (or Tortoise vs. the Hare Pt. 2)
No, I did not misspell the largest city in Georgia.
When I was little, I had a board game called By Jove, in which I learned about a woman in Greek mythology, which has always fascinated me. Like St. Katherine, she was an anomaly of her time as a strong woman. Atalanta told her father that she would only marry someone who could best her. Her focus, though, was in the physical realm. I am not sure why this particular story fascinated me so much. In both instances, the women did not settle for the status quo or merely accept their fate.
Patience is often considered a weakness. This is clearly not the case. In a world where we are often called to action or advised to "Go, go, go!", it can be extremely difficult to be patient. In the Christmas story, several people are asked to wait on God: Joachim and Anna, Joseph and Mary, and Simeon. It takes strong faith to be able to say, "God, here are my troubles, although You already know them. I lay them at the foot of Your cross and accept Your will for my life," and then move on and NOT think or worry about them anymore. I do not have this kind of faith.
I've been recently thinking about how much I tend to idolize people, relationships, and marriage. In my feeble understanding of God, I think it's probable that He provided the family I had so that I would NOT be as attached to this world more than I already am. Struggling against your passions is NOT an easy thing. It is very exhausting and draining mentally, and it isn't just 1 battle. It's war! I don't even pretend to be good at this. Sometimes, sadly, I don't even attempt to fight.
I talk about not wanting to be in control, but as someone pointed out to me recently(much to my chagrin), I am a VERY critical person–about almost anything. I don't mean to be, obviously, and it's almost a knee-jerk reaction. If I had to pinpoint a New Year's resolution, mine would be to only have nice things come out of my mouth. I love my friends, and it hurts me to think that I hurt them. As hard as I am on things and people around me, I am that much more critical of myself and my self-perceived imperfections.
In considering what the next 12 months will bring, it does take a lot of patience, which we've already determined I don't really have, to take each day at a time. Usually, God has to drag me kicking down some new path that looks a bit too hazy and foggy for me. I still find myself wanting to be a Christian on MY terms, not according to God's tenets. Lifelong battle, I'm afraid. Sorry, God... I have changed my mindset on some relationships, what I want in my personal life and family, and I have finally accepted that God accepts ME, no matter what I do. Since His love is not earned, it cannot be un-earned. Thank God for Divine Grace!
What do I want for 2014? At this point, honestly, I'm not sure. There are several different paths I could go, and I have a very bad habit of biting off more than I can chew. The best PC answer would be to work on my relationship with God and make that the focus of my every day thoughts and activities. The more honest answer is probably just to be happy–not that this is a bad thing; it's just not the goal of a Christ-centered life.
================================================
Keep Making Me - Sidewalk Prophets
Make me broken
So I can be healed
‘Cause I’m so calloused
And now I can’t feel
I want to run to You
With heart wide open
Make me broken
Make empty
So I can be filled
‘Cause I’m still holding
Onto my will
And I’m completed
When you are with me
Make me empty
[Chorus:]
‘Til You are my one desire
‘Til You are my one true love
‘Til You are my breath, my everything
Lord, please keep making me
Make me lonely
So I can be Yours
‘Til I want no one
More than You, Lord
‘Cause in the darkness
I know You will hold me
Make me lonely
When I was little, I had a board game called By Jove, in which I learned about a woman in Greek mythology, which has always fascinated me. Like St. Katherine, she was an anomaly of her time as a strong woman. Atalanta told her father that she would only marry someone who could best her. Her focus, though, was in the physical realm. I am not sure why this particular story fascinated me so much. In both instances, the women did not settle for the status quo or merely accept their fate.
Patience is often considered a weakness. This is clearly not the case. In a world where we are often called to action or advised to "Go, go, go!", it can be extremely difficult to be patient. In the Christmas story, several people are asked to wait on God: Joachim and Anna, Joseph and Mary, and Simeon. It takes strong faith to be able to say, "God, here are my troubles, although You already know them. I lay them at the foot of Your cross and accept Your will for my life," and then move on and NOT think or worry about them anymore. I do not have this kind of faith.
I've been recently thinking about how much I tend to idolize people, relationships, and marriage. In my feeble understanding of God, I think it's probable that He provided the family I had so that I would NOT be as attached to this world more than I already am. Struggling against your passions is NOT an easy thing. It is very exhausting and draining mentally, and it isn't just 1 battle. It's war! I don't even pretend to be good at this. Sometimes, sadly, I don't even attempt to fight.
I talk about not wanting to be in control, but as someone pointed out to me recently(much to my chagrin), I am a VERY critical person–about almost anything. I don't mean to be, obviously, and it's almost a knee-jerk reaction. If I had to pinpoint a New Year's resolution, mine would be to only have nice things come out of my mouth. I love my friends, and it hurts me to think that I hurt them. As hard as I am on things and people around me, I am that much more critical of myself and my self-perceived imperfections.
In considering what the next 12 months will bring, it does take a lot of patience, which we've already determined I don't really have, to take each day at a time. Usually, God has to drag me kicking down some new path that looks a bit too hazy and foggy for me. I still find myself wanting to be a Christian on MY terms, not according to God's tenets. Lifelong battle, I'm afraid. Sorry, God... I have changed my mindset on some relationships, what I want in my personal life and family, and I have finally accepted that God accepts ME, no matter what I do. Since His love is not earned, it cannot be un-earned. Thank God for Divine Grace!
What do I want for 2014? At this point, honestly, I'm not sure. There are several different paths I could go, and I have a very bad habit of biting off more than I can chew. The best PC answer would be to work on my relationship with God and make that the focus of my every day thoughts and activities. The more honest answer is probably just to be happy–not that this is a bad thing; it's just not the goal of a Christ-centered life.
================================================
Keep Making Me - Sidewalk Prophets
Make me broken
So I can be healed
‘Cause I’m so calloused
And now I can’t feel
I want to run to You
With heart wide open
Make me broken
Make empty
So I can be filled
‘Cause I’m still holding
Onto my will
And I’m completed
When you are with me
Make me empty
[Chorus:]
‘Til You are my one desire
‘Til You are my one true love
‘Til You are my breath, my everything
Lord, please keep making me
Make me lonely
So I can be Yours
‘Til I want no one
More than You, Lord
‘Cause in the darkness
I know You will hold me
Make me lonely
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