Communication

I love words. Ever since I learned to read even before kindergarten, I have enjoyed the ability to explore the deliciousness of combining various letters to create words, sentences, paragraphs, songs, and entire books. Worlds come alive. Feelings move from ambiguity to specifics, and worlds are visualized with adjectives, nouns, and adverbs. Worlds, both real and fictional, become magical and visceral.

Even though I crave to learn as much as I can about anything, I prefer fiction to non-fiction. Technical books are usually much too dry to enjoy, self-help and business books are very preachy, and, unless I'm interested in the topic, it takes me forever to read a book. Fiction on the other hand, I can devour hours at a time. I get emotionally invested in the characters. I ride their emotional coaster with them, hurt with their hurts, laugh at their jokes, and smile with their happiness. I can escape my feelings and, for a brief time, experience emotions that are safe in a way. No one gets hurt, no one is actually betrayed, and life is usually wrapped up neatly by the end of the glimpse into their lives.

If I had to name a guilty pleasure, I would have to claim Linkin Park. Depending on whom you ask, multiple songs can be considered emo, but from the initial exposure to Hybrid Theory when I heard "Crawling", I could process emotions through their songs. Other than Disturbed and Highly Suspect, they're the "heaviest" I really go into music. I like the blend of rap and rock, and J has learned when I say I'm having a "Linkin Park kind of day", something's wrong. I appreciate that their songs are not usually about the typical "love song", and although their is occasionally profanity, it's there to embellish and enhance the message-not just for shock value.

Words can hurt, heal, encourage, or defeat, especially internal communication. My boss could tell I was struggling after signing the surrender paperwork last Monday and sent me this:

"I nominate P as my Hero of the Month! P has blown me away this past month with her Character alone. She has had a lot of things happen over the past couple of months that really impacted her personal life but she still managed to not miss work but even more, she managed her work/life balance better than many could – given the circumstances. P led the team in the most Positive survey responses and one of the highest scores in the department at a PRR of 90%. P is always willing to help where the business needs whether it be in Chat or on the Phones. She also gives a lot of support to her peers by shadowing, sharing best practices, and helping answer questions. Thank you, P, for your character, work ethic, and your constant drive to help and improve. It does not go unnoticed."

At the end of the year, we have to complete a self-assessment. I struggle to brag about myself without joking about my arrogance and minimizing my skills. There are two versions I could give. The assessment I would give if I were giving it to someone else and the one I would give about myself.

Version 1:
Summary

P is a wonderful asset wherever she is placed. There is no job she is not willing to do. She is undoubtedly the most willing team player I can imagine. She is great at keeping a positive attitude during conflicts and not letting work affect her mood. She excels at learning new information and sharing it with other teammates. She not only loves to learn information presented but keeps asking questions so she can completely understand the context and how it fits the mission and vision of the organization. She has a strong desire to genuinely help customers, is persistent in solving issues, and does not let the customer's frustration affect her. She is great at researching for information she needs and thinking outside the box for creative solutions. She is excellent at communication in a clear way that customers can understand no matter their technical level without sounding like she's being condescending or patronizing. Her compassion and intention to advocate for the customer come across in her communication with customers and results in positive survey responses and a continuously improving response rate. Customer feedback continuously highlights their enjoyment with their customer experience. She has shown leadership in assisting teammates in best practices and sharing her skills so that the department as a whole can improve. Throughout all this, she does not have an air of arrogance about her knowledge or attempt to bring others down to make herself look better. In fact, she is always looking for ways she can improve and excel in ALL areas of her job. I would like to see her take more initiative in learning even more in-depth about the various technologies. She has never been put on a corrective action plan and can be counted on to work overtime when needed. She rises to the challenge and continuously applies feedback to her performance. She has a high level of integrity. She has positive interactions with all her teammates and a wonderful sense of humor that helps to relax tense situations and keep morale up. I would like to see her be more open and a little less stoic. She takes a while to warm up to people, but she's got a great personality and is charming when she gets to know you.

Positives
Able to work in a team or solo environment
Adaptable to change
Quick to learn information
Perfectionist
Excellent vocabulary and communication skills
High Survey Response Rate
High Reliability
Side-by-sides helping teammates
Go-to for information from teammates
Positive attitude
Strong work ethic
Open to constructive criticism and improvement
Strong customer service
Patient with frustrated customers
Creative problem solver
Good at analyzing
Eagerness to learn and understand

Areas of Opportunity and Plan to Improve

High RCR- Being more proactive with followups and increasing knowledge to solve issues
High ACW- Adding to resources and tools to minimize time searching for answers for customers
Inconsistent QA scores-Improving as focus is placed on increasing skills and customer experience
Low PRR-Being more proactive with followups and increasing knowledge to resolve issues

Version 2 if I wrote what I really wanted:
Summary

P settles for what's easy. She doesn't really involve herself in others' lives. She gets moody. She gets distracted easily. She thinks herself above everyone else. She's competitive. She over-analyzes everything. She doesn't want to take responsibility for her life choices. She forgets information and asks questions all the time. She challenges rules and processes in place, and thinks she knows better than others about what needs to be done. She has to know everything, even if it doesn't directly affect her. She's good at bluffing about her skills, but there's no substance. She butts her opinions when questions are asked around her. She's got an opinion about everything, except for the things that matter. She's lazy and tries to do the minimum, yet she gets resentful when she's not the best. She's highly arrogant. She's selective about who she likes to be nice to. She has trouble finishing what she started. She wants people to admire her when she hasn't done anything to be admired for. She acts too big for her britches and doesn't pay attention to detail. She talks too much and isn't a good listener. She's forgetful and doesn't remember details about other people.

Negatives
Low PRR
High RCR
High ACW
Low rapport
Low technical skills
Quick to jump to conclusions
Gets irritated with customers
Hubris

Positives
High reliability
Perfectionist
Smart

I would want to hire the first person and not even acquaint myself with the second. It was a struggle to not go back and edit the first submission, and I had to hit submit before I let myself edit it down to downplay my skills. Even when I have peer-reviewed others, I try to frame it in a positive light, and I would never send version number 2 to anyone since it's just beating down someone who probably has sensitivities in at least one of those areas. Don't let the length of the summaries confuse, though.

Astonishingly, my self-talk HAS improved. Recent events notwithstanding, I'm getting better at accepting compliments and not feeling like I need to prove myself. When things don't go the way you expect, it's a good check on your pride. "I'm better than this" and "you need me" should never be thoughts in my mind. Yet, at the base of it all is that whisper that I will never be enough, that I'll always be second-choice, that I'll always be the consolation prize.

Words...

================================================================

Heavy

I don’t like my mind right now
Stacking up problems that are so unnecessary
Wish that I could slow things down
I wanna let go but there’s comfort in the panic
And I drive myself crazy
Thinking everything's about me
Yeah, I drive myself crazy
'Cause I can’t escape the gravity

I'm holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
So much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what's bringing me down
If I just let go, I'd be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?

You say that I'm paranoid
But I’m pretty sure the world is out to get me
It’s not like I make the choice
To let my mind stay so fucking messy
I know I'm not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning 'round me just the same
I know I'm not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning 'round me just the same

I'm holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
So much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what's bringing me down
If I just let go, I'd be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?

I know I'm not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning 'round me just the same
I know I'm not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning 'round me just the same
And I drive myself crazy
Thinking everything’s about me

Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
So much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what's bringing me down
If I just let go, I'd be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Why is everything so heavy?
Why is everything so heavy?

Mediocrity

I've been coasting.

It's so easy to get into a rut and lull yourself into the land of complacency. I need failures to light a fire in my belly. This past week, no matter what the competition was, I could not win. The tricky part was I usually came in 2nd. It's a good check on humility, but when it all hits in the same week, it's rough. In several of the cases, it was just barely a loss. That extra effort...

I haven't been to church in a month, and my social life is extra selective. Partially, because it's our busy time at work, I have been working 90+-hour weeks while I can to save up money for past-due bills. Mostly, though, it's been avoidance. That extra effort...

It's been challenging to see other moms and children in any age.  All I can think is, "Did I give in too easily?" and "Another thing I've failed at." I see pictures of new babies, announcements of new pregnancies, and the first thought that comes to my mind is, "That was supposed to be MY life." In some ways, it feels like he died. I don't want to talk to everyone about it, and I keep feeling jealousy at the "normal" route of other mothers. I also feel like too many strangers know too much about my life and personal choices I've made. I can't imagine being a celebrity and having everything placed under a microscope.

I haven't been praying, I haven't been reading anything even remotely close to quality just so I can get an emotional release, and I haven't been asking God for help. I feel like I'm in a fog. The hard part about being in a situation that most people haven't been through is that they can't understand it completely. People comprehend bits and pieces, but it's difficult to explain the entire story. That extra effort...

How do you explain that you're jealous of parents having sleepless nights, toddlers that don't listen to rules, or overnight throw-up? How do you explain that you want to complain about your child being sick? How do you explain how it feels when your child does better in 1 week than he did in 3 weeks in his mom's care?

How do you explain that you don't think of your child for most of the day, and yet, you feel like a part of you has been cut out? That extra effort...
===========================================
Skyscraper

Skies are crying, I am watching
Catching tear drops in my hands
Only silence as it's ending
Like we never had a chance
Do you have to make me feel like
There's nothing left of me?

You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper

As the smoke clears, I awaken
And untangle you from me
Would it make you feel better
To watch me while I bleed?
All my windows still are broken
But I'm standing on my feet

You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper

Go run, run, run
I'm gonna stay right here,
Watch you disappear
Yeah, oh
Go run, run, run
Yeah, it's a long way down
But I am closer to the clouds up here

You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Oh Oh
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper

(Like a skyscraper)

Like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper

Failure

Lack of success. The omission of expected or required action. The action or state of not functioning. Failure.

If 2016 was the Year of Firsts, 2017 has been the Year of Failure.

Failure at my job. Failure at health. Failure at being a good friend. Failure at being a good pregnant lady. Failure at being a good church leader. Failure at budgeting. Failure at being a good doggie mom. Failure at being able to carry a baby to full-term. Failure at being able to feed my own child. Failure at being a good girlfriend. Failure at being a good daughter. Failure at being a good sister. Failure at being able to take care of my child after he got out of the hospital. Failure at feeling guilty at being relieved that my son is being adopted and I won't have to be responsible. Failure at being a mother.

Failure to thrive. FAILURE to thrive.

With success being drilled into my head early in my life, one's value is only as good as your last success. My latest failure is quite a doozy. Even taking into account A's special feeding needs and my lack of infant experience, all I can hear with the assessment of failure-to-thrive is that I am not good enough. It makes me want to retreat into a corner and curl up in a ball. I don't know how to get past this mindset, no matter how much people try to reassure me it's a medical diagnosis and doesn't mean I necessarily anything wrong. If that's true, how is it that he's gained 1 pound in a week, he's happy, cooing, smiling, and sleeping through the night?

I failed. Whether it happened because of lack of knowledge or his medical situation, the end result is the same. What if it happens with the next child? Who's going to trust me to take care of a child when I couldn't even handle it for 3 weeks? 
How do you learn how to parent when everyone expects you to magically know?

So what do you do after a failure? We'll find out.
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Fix You

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go,
If you never try, you'll never know
Just what you're worth.

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones,
And I will try to fix you.

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from all my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

In Memoriam

This wasn't how it was supposed to go.

After choosing an adoption family and scheduling the court appointment for termination of rights, we have a new development! So exciting...😒

Little A has been diagnosed with Solitary median maxillary central incisor (SMMCI) syndrome. Before you attempt to look it up, it's a rare(1 in 50,000) genetic condition which has developmental defects early(day 35-38) in utero. Fortunately, he doesn't have the deviation between his brain hemispheres, but it still means multiple doctor appointments and various forms of therapy. He has also been labeled as failure-to-thrive because he keeps losing weight. He's lost 10 oz since he left the hospital, and they're worried about his motor development, since he's not developmentally where a 2-month old baby should be.

The adopting family decided they aren't the right family for him because he will need so much special care, extra doctor appointments, various therapies, and extra medical needs. I understand the hesitation, but I am disappointed. Their reasoning was they wouldn't be able to have the time needed for all the extra trips to the doctor and special needs activities. As J pointed out to me when I tried to defend them, it would be like finding out your biological child was special needs. You do whatever it takes to make it work. I love him all the more for that train of thinking. I tried to explain, many times(not always), when people adopt, they are looking for certain characteristics. Very few people intentionally want a special needs child. yes, there are sperm banks and IVF, but adoption can be similar in terms of "shopping" for a child.

Since it's genetic, I do worry that any subsequent children could have this issue. I know there's nothing I can really do about it, but I MAY have a slight inclination to over analyze and internalize everything. Don't get me wrong: if my next child has some kind of major issue, I'm not giving them up. That's my main issue with the adopting family-they said they promised to take care of him and love him just like I would. I am NOT giving him up because he's special needs. I'm giving him to another family because he's a baby, not because he's a special needs baby. There's a difference. This is what I am worried about him being sensitive about - the concern that he will think it's because he's "difficult" or not perfect in some way.

The good news is he does have another option for a new family. The temporary (cradle home) foster family that has been caring for him has expressed interest in adopting him. They already have several special needs children of their own. The father works from home and the mother does not work outside the home, so it would be a great setup for any medical care A would need. He would stay nearby, and I know they have a very Christ-centered focus in their home.

Another family that was initially interested didn’t want to be considered anymore because they felt like I was uncertain when we had talked about them being his family earlier. Birth mothers aren’t just casting aside their children for what’s convenient and whatever family expresses interest. Especially if you get attached to your child, whether while in the womb or post-labor, thoughts about trying to make it work will constantly present themselves. Is it even possible to make it work? Staying with the birth family should always be the default consideration.

Someone commented to me that maybe I was sharing a bit too much. ME!! I share for a few reasons. I need to process. While I do enjoy talking with people about my thoughts and feelings, sometimes just throwing it all on paper clears all my thinking. Also, a few people have commented derogatorily about adoption and birth mothers. I think it helps to see the behind the scenes, the concerns, anxieties, emotional roller coasters, and the reasoning that mothers go through. This isn’t just a “What’s for dinner?” decision process.

I don't pretend to be the "typical" birth mom. In fact, all I've heard through most of this journey is how unusual and abnormal my situation is. I've heard that my entire life. I'm used to it! A rare genetic syndrome, post-birth adoption, and odd social circumstances are just par for the course. If you read my posts, you're not going to magically understand what all mothers go through, and I would warn against trying to do that at all.

For better or worse, it is what it is. I feel like I say that often these days. Part of it is resignation; part of it is acceptance, and part of it is just weariness. I really wish I were in a different set of circumstances. Whatever the resolution to all of this is, I would just like some kind of closure. Maybe someday soon.
===================================

Hills and Valleys

I've walked among the shadows
You wiped my tears away
And I've felt the pain of heartbreak
And I've seen the brighter days
And I've prayed prayers to heaven
From my lowest place
And I have held your blessings
God, you give and take away
No matter what I have, Your grace is enough
No matter where I am, I'm standing in Your love

On the mountains, I will bow my life
To the one who set me there
In the valley, I will lift my eyes to the one who sees me there
When I'm standing on the mountain,
I didn't get there on my own

When I'm walking through the valley
I know I am not alone!
You're God of the hills and valleys!
Hills and Valleys!
God of the hills and valleys
And I am not alone!

I've watched my dreams get broken
In you I hope again!
No matter what I know
Know I'm safe inside Your hand

On the mountains, I will bow my life
To the one who set me there (to the one who set me there)
In the valley, I will lift my eyes to the one who sees me there
When I'm standing on the mountain,
I didn't get there on my own
When I'm walking through the valley
I know I am not alone!
You're God of the hills and valleys!
Hills and Valleys!
God of the hills and valleys
And I am not alone!

Father, you give and take away
Every joy and every pain
Through it all you will remain
Over it all!

Father, you give and take away
Every joy and every pain
Through it all you will remain
Over it all!

On the mountains, I will bow my life
To the one who set me there (to the one who set me there)
In the valley, I will lift my eyes to the one who sees me there
When I'm standing on the mountain,
I didn't get there on my own
When I'm walking through the valley
I know I am not alone!
You're God of the hills and valleys!
Hills and Valleys!
God of the hills and valleys
And I am not alone!

And I will choose to say "Blessed be Your name, yeah, yeah"

And I am not alone

Love is Just the Beginning

To my son,

I picked out your new family last night. They seem pretty ideal, and I could tell just from reading their bio that they have so much love to give you. You'll get a mother with a huge heart, who cares about all the people around her. You'll get a father who cares if you're happy and will support your choices in life. You'll get a big brother who is already excited you're coming. You'll get not just your parents but an extended family and entire community who will lift you up in love and support. You will have so many opportunities I cannot provide and an environment which will encourage you to be your best self whomever that happens to be.

I especially want you to know that me giving you to them in no way means that you are less than perfect or not worth keeping. This has NO reflection on you at all. This has to do with me not being enough to give you the life you deserve. I am not abandoning you. If you ever need anything from me, I will drop everything and help in any way I can. I'm just adding more family into the mix. I wish I could keep you with me, but I know this will be best for everyone, especially you.

I love our little snuggles and watching you learn about the world. I can already tell you're inquisitive and patient. You're a chill little dude, especially when Rosie is being...well, Rosie. The world is an amazing and scary place, and I can't wait to see you learn and grow along with the rest of us.

I want you to grow up strong, conscientious, ambitious, hard-working, loving, helpful, and secure in being you. If, at some point, you decide you don't want to see me anymore, I completely understand and will respect your decision. I'll still pray for you. I will always love you, and no matter who legally takes care of you, you'll always be my child wherever you go.

Love always no matter what.
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To my son's new parents,

You're getting an amazing kid. I promise I'm not just saying that because I'm biased. I picked you on purpose because I know you'll be able to provide him all the things I cannot. He's a fighter and he IS strong, but he's also loving and affectionate.

I thank you for keeping his name, even though you don't have to. I appreciate you opening up your home and your hearts to raise him and give him whatever he needs. I'm glad he will have wonderful role models in all aspects of his life, but especially in his own home.

Please speak up if you feel I am being in any way intrusive or you begin to resent my desire to be involved. I know you don't have to let me see him other than the minimum contact, and I appreciate you not shutting me out completely. I don't want to take him from you. Mostly, I want to be able to enrich his already full support. He has been surrounded with love since the time he was discovered in my womb, and I know he's been prayed over throughout many prayer circles.

I look forward to getting to know you and him and help him on his journey together. Thank you so much for promising to take care of A and loving on him.

==========================================================

To God,

I cannot imagine the strength the Theotokos must have had in watching her son whom she had kept for many years to be sacrificed in complete innocence. I think of how protective I feel over little A in such a short time and how he didn't ask for any of this to happen to him.

I know things will turn out for the best of everyone. I appreciate the short time you allowed me to care for him. (I especially appreciate all the $0 medical bills after my out-of-pocket max was met! $131,000 St. Thomas bill = poof!) I wish I could say I grew spiritually, but we both know the lie detector determined THAT was a lie.

I pray for you to watch over J, B, and C as they learn A and he learns them. I pray for them to lead them in the way he should go. I pray that they turn to you when they are struggling through less-than-perfect times. I mean, Moses, Esther, and Jesus were all adopted, and they turned out pretty okay.

I pray for you to strengthen A's faith whenever he feels lost or conflicted. I pray that you provide guidance and discernment when learning how the 2 families interact and move forward to support A to the best of our abilities, which is the ultimate barometer to determine next steps. I pray that you not make things easy on him but show him that you are always there to turn to in times of strife. I pray he learns how much you care for him. Please help me to remember that this is the best choice I can make for him and what he needs.

P.S. I wouldn't mind another one with slightly different circumstances.
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You'll Be in My Heart

Come stop your crying
It will be alright
Just take my hand
And hold it tight

I will protect you
From all around you
I will be here
Don't you cry

For one so small,
You seem so strong
My arms will hold you,
Keep you safe and warm
This bond between us
Can't be broken
I will be here
Don't you cry

'Cause you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more
You'll be in my heart
No matter what they say
You'll be here in my heart
Always

Why can't they understand the way we feel
They just don't trust what they can't explain
I know we're different, but deep inside us
We're not that different at all

And you'll be in my heart
Yes you'll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more

Don't listen to them
'Cause what do they know
We need each other, to have, to hold
They'll see in time, I know

When destiny calls you, you must be strong
I may not be with you
But you got to hold on
They'll see in time, I know
We'll show them together

'Cause you'll be in my heart
Believe me you'll be in my heart
I'll be there from this day on
Now and forever more

You'll be in my heart
No matter what they say
You'll be here in my heart
Always

Always I'll be with you
I'll be there for you always
Always and always

Just look over your shoulder
Just look over your shoulder
Just look over your shoulder
I'll be there
Always

Love is Not Enough

Despite what certain people say, love is not all you need.

2016 was a year of many firsts: I was responsible for helping plan social events for a bunch of people that don't usually want to be around too many people, I had my first peer-to-peer review, my first rebound relationship, and another first that became more obvious this year. It was the first time I had a couple different guys pursuing me, the first time I said I love you to my first boyfriend, the first time I had to consider a relationship longer than a few dates, the first time to think about meeting families, and I went through my first breakup.

It was the first time I had to consider someone's feelings on a daily, intimate level. It was the first time I had someone that cared enough to push past my walls. It was the first time I tried to let someone take care of me. (Yes, I said TRIED.) I loved him and he loved me, but it wasn't enough. He couldn't love me past my fears of intimacy and trust issues. I couldn't love him enough to make him feel valued or secure. He couldn't love me enough to get past our differences on religion. I couldn't love him enough for him to not resent me for my faith. He couldn't love me enough to fix my finances. I couldn't love him enough to eliminate his anger issues. He couldn't love me enough for me to know how to communicate my thoughts and feelings with him without lashing out.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying love isn't needed, but it should be the minimum. Yes, you need love, but you also need faith, trust, commitment, patience, communication, compassion, honesty, kindness, emotional support, romance, intimacy, vulnerability, and acceptance. Love can be passive. You can say you love God. Great. Now what? Unless love is in the active tense, it's essentially useless. Love must be active to be effective. Love is the first step. Where does it take you after that?

Love isn't enough to make you a good mother. I love BG, but I'm not able to provide the resources or the situation he needs to be set up the best in life. I've decided to give BG up for adoption officially. Does this mean I don't love him enough? Of course not.

I'm angry. I'm angry at BG's dad for bailing and being exactly who I thought he was. I'm angry at BG for interrupting my life. I'm angry at myself for lowering my standards and making a stupid choice and putting us in this position. I'm angry at everyone who tells me what I should do and feel. I'm angry at D for bailing when it got tough. I'm angry at J for not knowing what I need even though I don't tell him. I'm angry at the system which makes it difficult to get back on your feet. I'm angry because I'm not where I thought I would be at this point in my life. I'm angry because reality doesn't match the expectations.

But, I still love BG. It kills me that my issues and struggles could be passed on to him, not genetically as some might suggest, but because I would treat him differently. Am I meant to be more than a doggie mom? I'm not sure at this point. Maybe I'm more in love with the idea of being a Mom but don't want to deal with the gritty day-to-day.

Yes, I love him. But it isn't enough.
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Love is Not Enough

The more that we take
The paler we get
I can't remember what it is
We tried to forget

The tile on the floor
So cold it can sting
In your eyes is a place
Worth remembering

Do you wake up and taste this
And smash it apart
I've gone all this fucking way
To wind up back at the start

Hey the closer we think we are
Well it only got us so far
Have you got anything left to show
No no I didn't think so

Hey the sooner we realize
We cover ourselves with lies
Well Underneath we're not so tough
Oh love is not enough

Well it hides in the dark
Like the weaker and vain
We didn't give it a mouth
So it cannot complain

We never really had a chance
We never really make it through
And to think I believed
I believed I could get better with you

Hey the closer we think we are
Well it only got us so far
Have you got anything left to show
No no I didn't think so

Hey the sooner we realize
We cover ourselves with lies
Well Underneath we're not so tough
Oh love is not enough

My Drug

Music is my prayer. Music is my pronouncement of sentiments.

On Friday, I worried that I wasn't praying to God enough. I do pray. I allow myself to cry out in the lyrics of songs that describe the overwhelming myriad of thoughts and emotions. Songs have always given me the ability to pore out my frustrations, joys, heartaches, and determination in ways that mere words cannot do. I have many favorite songs depending on my current emotional state.

Outside of this blog, I am a very private person, and I have to remind myself to intentionally engage with others even in intimate relationships. Sometimes, it's a protective coping skill and sometimes, it's because I genuinely don't think people will find me interesting. I don't initiate conversations with others and usually, when I'm out in public, I have a resting b!+(h face. Before you ask, yes, this is also a defensive coping mechanism.

Even at work, I spend more time reading than I do talking to coworkers. The ironic thing is that I've had people complain that I talk too much, although had they told me instead of complaining about it with another coworker in a chat conversation, I would have stopped bothering them. So now, in an effort not to be that annoying chatty person that forces herself into unwanted conversations, I've overcorrected and don't talk to anyone unless they try to talk with me first. This makes for a lonely work day, since I come across as bristly so people leave me alone, although I want to be sociable but feel hesitant to talk to them first. It's much like walking a tightrope.

The wonderful thing about music is that you're never too old or young, too rich or poor, too uneducated or intelligent, or charismatic or awkward to find connections with others.  Music is healing, and of course, there are multiple studies that show the effect of music in multiple areas of the brain.

Occasionally, I use a dramatic movie or TV show as my tool for catharsis, but most likely, I'll play some music and allow myself for a few brief moments to feel before I tamper down my human side. (Also, I NEED movies to have happy endings!) Music allows you to inject your own slant to what the words mean, no matter the intention or personal experience of the songwriter.  Although the details of life are unique, human experiences are generally universal. While someone in Zambia may not understand the particulars of my childhood, he will be able to understand the hurts and pleasures experienced.

Even if the song in question seems to be a secular one, it fills in the gaps and helps to balance out the ups and downs of life. They can be as smooth as the Black Hills of South Dakota or they can be as turbulent as the Grand Tetons. While I do enjoy the dopamine from happy songs, periodically, I need the release that angry songs initiates.

Music minimizes rejection. Music soothes heartbreak. Music intensifies happiness. Music honors love, no matter the form. Music strengthens faith and trust.
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Trust in You

Letting go of every single dream
I lay each one down at Your feet
Every moment of my wandering
Never changes what You see
I try to win this war
I confess, my hands are weary, I need Your rest
Mighty warrior, king of the fight
No matter what I face You're by my side

When You don't move the mountains
I'm needing You to move
When You don't part the waters
I wish I could walk through
When You don't give the answers
As I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You

Truth is, You know what tomorrow brings
There's not a day ahead You have not seen
So let all things be my life and breath
I want what You want Lord and nothing less

When You don't move the mountains
I'm needing You to move
When You don't part the waters
I wish I could walk through
When You don't give the answers
As I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You
I will trust in You

You are my strength and comfort
You are my steady hand
You are my firm foudation
The rock on which I stand
Your ways are always higher
Your plans are always good
There's not a place where I'll go
You've not already stood

When You don't move the mountains
I'm needing You to move
When You don't part the waters
I wish I could walk through
When You don't give the answers
As I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You
I will trust in You
I will trust in You
I will trust in You

The Cowardly Tin Scarecrow

I am NOT strong.

When people praise me for my strength and tell me they don't know how I do it, I want to laugh sardonically and maniacally.

Being strong is being proactive, considering all the options, and making a decision. Being strong is having a smile on your face, not because you are faking it, but because you are confident and at peace with yourself and with God. Being strong is being able to reach out to others for help.

Being strong isn't trudging through day by day. Being strong isn't being in a catatonic state. Being strong isn't being able to cry almost at the drop of a hat. Being strong isn't going home and collapsing as soon as you walk in the door. Being strong isn't wanting to head into the wind and run away from all your responsibilities. Being strong isn't having to deal with the consequences of your choices.

I do whatever it is because there is no other option for me to take. There have been several points in my younger years where I considered, and a couple where I halfheartedly attempted, suicide. I would love to say that I've grown past that point and matured in my old age. It's not others' responsibility to pay the penalty for my poor choices.

Most days are easy, but sometimes, especially lately, I feel like I'm fighting through a fog. I don't have any amazing insights to share other than don't judge people that have committed suicide or struggled with depression. Whether they are strong or weak is immaterial. Even if you know them well and live with them everyday, you can't know their internal thoughts.

For some unknown reason, I've never been angry at God. Maybe I should be, but I definitely can't credit my assumed maturity and wisdom. Is it because I don't actually believe in Him? Possibly. My faith and commitment ebbs and flows with the level correlating to how my life is going. I'm almost positive this is why God continues to throw obstacles at me. I would almost assuredly be one of those people that relies on my own intelligence and talents to solve problems.

Even in this season of turbulence and repeated rejections, I'm having trouble praying, though, so clearly, I haven't learned my lesson. I might have a short conversation in passing, but my heart feels apathetic. Maybe I'm afraid to lean on Him in case He disappoints me, too.

Maybe it's time to start my new season on my own terms.
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Even If

They say sometimes you win some
Sometimes you lose some
And right now, right now I'm losing bad
I've stood on this stage night after night
Reminding the broken it'll be alright
But right now, oh right now I just can't

It's easy to sing
When there's nothing to bring me down
But what will I say
When I'm held to the flame
Like I am right now

I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone

They say it only takes a little faith
To move a mountain
Good thing
A little faith is all I have right now
But God, when You choose
To leave mountains unmovable
Give me the strength to be able to sing
It is well with my soul

I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt
Would all go away if You'd just say the word
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone

You've been faithful, You've been good
All of my days
Jesus, I will cling to You
Come what may
‘Cause I know You're able
I know You can

I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt
Would all go away if You'd just say the word
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone

It is well with my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul

Just Desserts

Dear stress, let's break up.

This was supposed to be a coasting year. I'm beginning to think 2016 was a piece of cake compared to where I'm currently dwelling. I feel like a zombie walking around-no emotions, no energy, no enthusiasm for anything-just surviving on autopilot. The emotional roller coaster has won. I concede the battle.

I'm so drained and exhausted. I try to muster the energy needed to be Pollyanna so I don't drag people down with my Eeyore/"woe is me" attitude. I put myself in this situation; I should be able to deal with it. I can keep it up for a short time, but as time progresses, the endurance level gets shorter and shorter. Afterwards, I go into isolation and escape into books until I need to fake through the next interaction.

People often talk about how they don't deserve bad things that happen in their life, but you never hear talk about disowning the good things that occur. We have a lawyer in town that tries to tell people, "You deserve to be paid." LIES. It makes me want to throw something or challenge him to a debate. No one deserves anything except for what they earn on their own merit. Everything else is merely a situational obstacle or assistance.

Sometimes, not having control of a situation allows you to not stress about the outcomes. When you have an impact on the possibilities based on your choices, it can be more challenging to give it over to God and to let things happen. When I got news that based on the ultrasound, BG was going to have a heart defect (ASD-Atrial Septal Defect and possible TGA-Transposition of the Great Arteries), I felt strangely calm about the entire situation. I had no control and nothing I did was going to fix the problem.

Trying to be thankful when your baby has been in the hospital for almost 6 weeks and is about to have surgery on his face has proven to be a bit more strenuous, mostly because he's in there because of life choices I've made. I'm only slightly exaggerating. Since I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes in 2009, doctors have been telling me I need to monitor my blood sugar. Well, it's finally caught up to me. It hasn't affected only me; the consequences are playing out in poor BG's life and he is just now starting out in life. Trying to decide if I'm still keeping BG since G has backed out of his co-parenting responsibilities and is even denying his paternity has proven to be downright debilitating.

People have been supremely generous with all kinds of baby gifts and supplies; but, at the end of the day, it is still just me and BG. No baby daddy or partner for support on nights when I feel emotionally and spiritually exhausted and need a break. We're just now at the beginning of the next chapter. Even with assistance from the state, there is barely enough money for just me, let alone another responsibility to care for. I could go the single mom route; but looking at my current and anticipated situation, I also feel a good option is to choose a better life for him.

I had decided on the adoption route early on in my pregnancy, but I changed my mind when G decided he wanted to be involved with BG. When I pressured him for developing a co-parenting plan, he backed out of wanting any responsibility because he "is getting to [sic] old to wait tables, to [sic] old and wild AF for this sh&t, could raise a kid by myself or in a relationship, but not co-parenting, and in case you missed the memo; I can't have children, doctor approved".

Needless to say, I got super pissed off. I don't care that he did what I expected him to do at the beginning. I am angrier because he acted like he wanted to be in this and then backed out when it became real and when it became obvious I was not going to get into a relationship with him. All I can say is I am glad that he pulled this before we got further in and it actually impacted poor BG. I have no tolerance for people who make promises and then bail as soon as it gets difficult. Yes, this is a sore point for me and one of the reasons I can come across as harshly blunt and opinionated. I'd rather lay all the cards on the table instead of making false promises.

Sadly, he's not the only one in my life to have made a promise and flaked on me. During the pregnancy alone, there have been many offers of help; I have learned that about 50% of those will pan out. I absolutely realize not everyone is in a position to give. I am not asking for that. I am referring to the people that ask how they can help, provide a way they say they can contribute, and then bail before keeping their promise.  I understand that life happens, people have their own families, other responsibilities, etc., but it's just frustrating. Whether they've legitimately wanted to help or just made the appropriate comments, it feels like being forgotten. It's those same people that will tell me, "You have people around that will help with BG, there's always financial support, ask people for ____." Guess what? I've done that, and yet, here I am.

I feel guilty because I shouldn't be expecting anything at all, and anything anyone can provide is just icing on the cake. On the other hand, I've had people I never expected (and, in several instances, have never met) to provide help, prayers, gifts, advice. I've had to get better about not automatically refusing help and gifts because I don't have the luxury of being my normal independent self.

As I ponder next steps, finances, logistics, etc., I find myself over-analyzing EVERYthing I can think of. I have pros and cons lists, have thought about all angles of the situation, and I am no closer to a decision. So, I keep waffling on whether to give up BG for adoption or commit to a new path. The answer you get depends on what day (and sometimes when in the day) you ask me. I know, I KNOW. I'm getting irritated at myself, too. Have I mentioned how commitment-phobic I am?

Every person that knows of my dilemma has an opinion on what my decision should be. Some friends come out and say their thoughts directly. Others may not realize it, but their preference comes across in the nuances of their questions and phrasing. The only one seemingly silent is God, whom I can't tell what He would have me do. I've tried to take each day at a time, but being still and praying about next steps is not something I enjoy doing.

Logically, I know this situation is temporary, but I'm tired of having to be strong enough to keep moving forward. I'm sure that makes me sound weak and pathetic, but I would like to just take a break from feeling like life's punching bag.

If you need me, I'm going to be taking the rest of the year off from life wallowing in the sludge of misery and stink of wretchedness.

End self-pitying post...Blech!

Meditations:
Psalm 40:1-3
I waited patiently for the Lord, And He inclined to me, and heard my cry. He also brought me up out of a horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my steps. He has put a new song in my mouth--Praise to our God; many will see it and fear, and trust in the Lord.

Psalm 46:10
Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!
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Worn

I'm tired
I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing

I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
'Cause I'm worn

I know I need
To lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won't let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn

And my prayers are wearing thin
I'm worn even before the day begins
I'm worn I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn so heaven so come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Yes all that's dead inside will be reborn
Though I'm worn
Yeah I'm worn

The Baby Thing

So....I've finally made the decision. I think, anyway. Who knows? I might change my mind tomorrow.

Deep breaths. Inhale. Exhale.

Are you crazy?
Who ever said I made a decision based on logic and smarts?
You've always been a sink-or-swim situation kind of person.
But, it's not a short-term decision. It has an 18+-year sentence.
What if you pass on your mental issues?
It would be better off without you.
You're getting old. This might be your last chance.
The baby's father, G, has a great support network set up--much better than yours.
You've never been one to do things the traditional way.
Don't let the child feel abandoned and unloved for the rest of its life.
You'll regret giving it up.
You'll regret keeping it.
You're being selfless.
You're being selfish.
You're being stupid.
You have people around you who will help.
What if J decides he doesn't love me anymore and I'm left alone?
Your life will never be the same.
What if you can't do this?
Whatever happens, this is all in God's plan for you.
At the end of the day, it's just me and the dogs.
How are YOU going to take care of a baby?

The thoughts go back and forth. Some are mine; some are comments/advice from friends and acquaintances.

I told many people that G would not want to be a father because he told me he couldn't have kids, so I assumed when I got pregnant that it was because it was a line. From the moment I told him, he's been very excited. He said he didn't think he could have kids because he had been trying with a few girlfriends. Within 5 days, he told me if I didn't want to raise BG at all, he's been best friends with a Huntsville girl for 11 years, and she is willing to marry him and help raise BG. They told their families, who were very supportive. (I was slightly jealous) He has a house set up in a nice part of the area. His family would be 20 minutes away. BG would go to preschool, private school, and be well taken care of. If I want to share custody, he would stay in Nashville to be involved in the day-to-day and would switch shifts around so he would be available to care for BG while I work and then I would take over in the evenings while he works.

The decision changed from "Do I have to give up BG?" to "Do I want to give up BG?" The good thing is my decision is between good and good. There's really not a bad option here.

J has said he won't have any issue with helping to raise another man's child, and he has been so supportive, albeit annoyingly not forthcoming with his opinion.The hard part is while we are good now, I still consider us in the beginning stages of our relationship. I have no long-term claim on him at this point, and while I couldn't completely factor him into my decision, in all fairness, I couldn't rule him out. In some ways, the decision would have been easier were we not together.

All that to say....I'm going to give the baby thing a try.

Whew! There I said it. Am I terrified? Yes, yes, I am. Am I stubborn? Yes, yes, I am.

Thankfully, I've had a super easy pregnancy so far, although I'm slightly nervous that something will happen in the last 3 months. I'm dreading the labor and delivery portion, and I don't even have an inkling of an idea about how to create a birth plan. I STILL have no idea of the gender because trying to get an appointment set up--insurance, work schedule, and transferring to a different ob-gyn--has proven frustrating.

All I can ask for at this point are prayers. I have no idea how I'm going to make this work, and we all know I LOVE being pushed out of my comfort zone.
I do however crave adventures, and this seems like somewhat of a big one.  
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Piece by Piece - Kelly Clarkson

And all I remember is your back
Walking towards the airport, leaving us all in your past
I traveled fifteen hundred miles to see you
I begged you to want me, but you didn’t want to

But piece by piece, he collected me up
Off the ground, where you abandoned things
Piece by piece he filled the holes that you burned in me
Six years old and you know
He never walks away
He never asks for money
He takes care of me
He loves me
Piece by piece, he restores my faith
That a man can be kind and the father could, stay

And all of your words fall flat
I made something of myself and now you wanna come back
But your love, it isn’t free, it has to be earned
Back then I didn’t have anything you needed so I was worthless

But piece by piece, he collected me up
Off the ground, where you abandoned things
Piece by piece he filled the holes that you burned in me
Six years old and you know
He never walks away
He never asks for money
He takes care of me
'Cause he loves me
Piece by piece, he restored my faith
That a man can be kind and a father could, stay

Piece by piece

Piece by piece I fell far from the tree
I will never leave her like you left me
And she will never have to wonder her worth
Because unlike you I’m going to put her first and you know
He’ll never walk away,
He’ll never break her heart
He’ll take care of things, he’ll love her
Piece by piece, he restored my faith
That a man can be kind and the father should be great

Piece by piece
Piece by piece