Coffee Shop Art

There are all kinds of "whisperers": horse, nanny, cat, and, of course, my favorite, the Dog Whisperer himself. There is no such thing as a "human whisperer." This is because while animals behave rationally and predictably, humans do not.

Someone asked me how I know that I can trust them. It's nothing I can really put my finger on. Some people think people that have been abused are hyper aware of body language and vocal inflections. I don't exactly know how I know, but I just go with my initial "gut" reaction towards a person. I know when people are safe and when people are only putting a facade. I also tend to feel a connection with people that have been in similar situations, especially abusive ones, even if they are not exactly like mine. This is only outside my family, of course. :)

I am selective with sharing myself, but I promise I am light years away from where I used to be even a few years ago. Some of it was a conscious decision that I made last summer, and some of it has just been life, I think. I am still such a people-pleaser that I cannot get out of my habit of determining what people want and becoming that, even at the risk of causing detriment to my own emotional psyche.

Recently, I have been focusing on really thinking about what I want-not in an unhealthy way, but in an "I need to take care of me" mentality. I must admit it is much more difficult than I had anticipated. You would think being "selfish" would be easy, but with my people-pleasing mind, it takes an actual effort to think about myself first. With the few times I have said "No" not being failures and no catalysmic world-endings to be seen, it does make me a little bit braver and gives me pause instead of being a "yes-man."

I still see this as being a battle, at least in the forseeable future. It is difficult to undo 30 years of training in a few years. As I walk further and further out from my "safe zone" with no negative repercussions, I do become braver, but I think I will always be difficult to be in a close relationship with. I am stubborn, and I scare way too easily. It reminds me over-correcting in a car. When I make the effort towards improving and receive what I perceive to be a rejection, I jerk back and flee the other direction when what I should be doing is taking a deep breath and coming at it with calm, assertive energy. ;)
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"Trust Me" - The Fray

Looking for something I've never seen.
Alone and I'm in between
The place that I'm from and
The place that I'm in:
A city I've never been.

I found a friend. or should I say foe.
Said there's a few things you should know.
We don't want you to see
We come and we go;
Here today, gone tomorrow.

We're only taking turns
Holding this world.
It's how it's always been.
When you're older, you will understand.

If I say who I know, it just goes to show
You need me less than I need you.
Take it from me
We don't give sympathy
You can trust me trust nobody

But I said you and me
We don't have honesty
The things we don't want to speak
I'll try to get out but I never will
Traffic is perfectly still

Were only taking turns
Holding this world
It's how it's always been
When you're older you will understand

And again maybe you don't
And again maybe you won't

When you're older
You might understand
When you're older
You might understand

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/fray/trustme.html

3 Seconds

A hug is like a bandage to a hurting wound. ~Author Unknown

Embrace. Clasp. Envelope. Squeeze. Cuddle. Enfold. Sarılmak. αγκαλιάζω. обнимать. Umarmen. Kumkumbatia. 

Hugs are amazing and very under-rated. I actually enjoy them. This may surprise some people. Don't get me wrong...I will never be one of those people that goes around hugging everyone they have ever met. I know one of those, and I love her for it, but it's just not me. I have been working this past week on trying not to over-think, as several of my friends (and I) claim I do much too often. Hugging tends to keep me reconnected with the present world, and I try to be more intentional about initiating hugs. I have trouble with this--partially because touch is still a sensitive (no pun intended) issue for me, and partially because I still have a fear of being a burden on people and unwanted by them, so I hold back. I do not reject hugs when they are offered, but I feel awkward about how long, which style, i.e. side, a-frame, etc., or intensity. Irrefutably, though, giving and receiving a hug with a close friend is so healing. It conveys multiple messages of love and caring without having to use an verbal language. If I had my "druthers," it would last however long it needs to with no pressure to end or awkward, uncomfortable tension.

I am definitely not what you would call a clingy person, but I do like the feel of another body next to me. It is one of the reasons I enjoy the animals. Provided I am somewhat familiar with the animal, they will let me hug and love on them to my heart's content. (I would NOT recommend doing this in any situation where you unsure of the animal's reaction.)  Studies have proven that petting animals will lower blood pressure, cholesterol, cortisol and raise serotonin, allergy resistance, and immunity capabilities. Basil does not have to be near me constantly, although he will follow me as I move around the house; yet, somehow, he knows when I need him to be there, and he will put his head in my lap and insist that I pet him. Laika is more like velcro and will be a cuddle buddy, and she insists on being on the couch in constant contact with me while I am watching a movie or typing my blog. Yep, she's there even now. We don't have quite the same bond as I have with Basil, but she cares in her own way, and she lets me use her as a pillow. :)

I looked into Strong's Concordance to see what, if anything, the Bible had to say about hugs or embracing in general. Although the word hug does not appear specifically in the Bible, the parable of the prodigal son is perhaps the easiest example that comes to mind. The father embraces the prodigal son as a result of the compassion that wells up in him. "But while he was yet at a distance, his father saw him and had compassion, and ran and embraced him and kissed him." (Luke 15:20) So, it seems that in any circumstance where there is real, genuine love, hugs are a natural result.

In the icon of the Theotokos above the altar that we call Πλατυτέρα(and in many of her icons), she always has her hands outstretched as a mother waiting for her children to run into her arms for comfort and solace. It is a wonderful thought that I have a place to run to that is always open and where I can relax with no time restraints or expectations.

If you want to give me a hug, I accept! I probably just won't offer you one. :)

Free Hugs
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I Need a Hug - Iain MacKintosh

Doctor Dan, he's a friendly man, big and round like a bear 
He hugs his friends, they hug him - any time, anywhere
Now the patients came for therapy to drive their blues away

And sooner or later they would feel better when they heard Dan say:

Chorus:

I wanna hug when you say hello.
I wanna hug when it's time to go.
I wanna hug because everyone knows
Hugging is good for you 

I wanna hug, it's a wonderful feeling.
Wanna hug, it helps with (it's part of) the healing
Wanna hug, because hugging feels
Like a natural thing to do

When the boss of the hospital heard about this he was most annoyed.

He said, "Hugging is sexual sublimation - according to Doctor Freud.
You can hide them, you can keep them down, you can calm them with your drugs,
You can slap them, zap them with electric shocks, but you can't give them a hug."

Chorus

He said, "Now Dan you'll have to go, this behaviour is no good.
Any deviation from the medical practice could easily get us sued.
Now, Dan doesn't feel too bad for himself; in fact, he's kind of proud,
But he's sorry for the folks who are locked away where hugging's not allowed.

Chorus

(as sung by Iain MacKintosh)

New Chapters in an Old Book

My birthday was yesterday, and it was a very good day. The end of the week is almost a 180 from how the week started off. I have been contemplating alot trying to determine where my car went off the track, so to speak.

Everyone seemed surprised at my age. When I asked how old they thought I was, the most common response was 25. This is not surprising. I have been thought to be younger since the age of 18, when people still thought I was 12. I'm not sure why, exactly. Maybe my maturity level is really low? :) I do have mostly younger friends, so maybe they keep me younger? I know I don't feel as though I am 32. I feel like I am about 23 or so. It almost seems as though I have hit the pause button in life.

In school, I socialized mostly with the NHS members, valedictorians, and honor students, and of course, being myself, I compared myself and quietly competed (and failed) with them. I see their occupations and successes, and I criticize myself harshly for not being in that same league. I realize not everyone has the same path, but even if I haven't quite made it to THAT level, what can I consider as my success in life so far?

What I love about the group of friends I have now is that they come from all over. Yes, there are many similarities, but really, the only thing in common is me. I don't know what that says about my personality, because I know usually, you surround yourself with people that reflect you. So, does that mean I am too indecisive to make decision about what I like? (Me, indecisive?? haha) Or, am I just open-minded about most things? I don't know the answer, but I love all my friends! We don't have to do anything exciting; I just enjoy visiting, and I could do that for hours on end. Sorry, everyone. ;)
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I want to love you, really, I do;
But, when I hear the voices all around us,
And, I hear the criticisms and see the glances,
I distance myself, leaving you in distress.

You have strengths.
You have flaws as I do;
But whenever I need something,
You always seem to come through.

I have ignored you for so long,
And I have no one else to blame.
I am sorry that I can't give you what you need.
It seems all I do to you is hurt and maim.

You are a very special person to me,
And I don't tell you often enough or even at all.
I take you for granted every day
And leave you in the shadows upon the wall.

Every day that I wait, we grow more distant.
Relating less and less to each other.
I just want to hug you until we end,
Until we reach that golden shore.

I cannot avoid you for always.
As each year passes, I see you more clearly.
Most of the time, I push you away,
But, when the chips fall, I want you near me.

You are not dead, I think,
But I can see you hurting.
I don't know how to fix you, though,
And that is the biggest need, I'm certain.

I promise to try harder
To be that person you need.
Just please don't ever leave me,
No matter how much I may plead.

To Forgive is More Human Still

This book was recommended (by a stranger I will most likely never meet) as a result of a prayer request. I am trying to remove the hold my past has on me. The book has had some very eye-opening content. I am still in the middle of it, but there is so much valuable information, and I feel like every other paragraph, I'm stopping to process and let the feeling of relief wash over me. I think the most important statement I have read is, "Forgiveness does NOT mean reunion." It is still a lesson I am trying to learn.

Many times when we think of forgiveness, we think in terms of turning the other cheek. Both my book on boundaries and the forgiveness book talk about healthy boundaries. Just because you have forgiven someone does not mean you have to have an ongoing relationship with that person.

Whew! What a load off my mind!

In some ways, it makes sense. It is not a healthy place to be where you put yourself in a continually damaging position. Who wants torture all the time? It is very harmful for the psyche. Mr. Smedes also talks about it being okay to blame the other person for their betrayal. Blaming them doesn't mean we understand why they did what they did. It doesn't mean we condemn them to hell. It means we hold them responsible for their actions in this particular incident. It means they cannot bother you any longer. Blame has its place. According to Mr. Smedes, "...if he did it, meant to do it, and initiated the action, he is accountable for doing it. If what he did wounded and wronged you personally, you blame him. Only then do you consider forgiving him."

I have people I have held grudges against. Most minor, 2 major, and 1 life-altering. I think where I get stuck is trying to come with some logical reason for the issue, and many times, there isn't one. I go back and forth in blaming myself because I should have been smarter and feeling betrayed because I acted out of faith, and I was torn apart because of it. What upsets me the most, though, is that the longer I hold onto the betrayal, the more power they hold over me, and I don't like other people having power over how I feel and who I am.
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Not Ready to Make Nice - Dixie Chicks

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting

I’m through with doubt
There’s nothing left for me to figure out
I’ve paid a price
And I’ll keep paying

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I know you said
Can’t you just get over it
It turned my whole world around
And I kind of like it

I made my bed and I sleep like a baby
With no regrets and I don’t mind sayin’
It’s a sad sad story when a mother will teach her
Daughter that she ought to hate a perfect stranger
And how in the world can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they’d write me a letter
Sayin’ that I better shut up and sing
Or my life will be over

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

What it is you think I should

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting

Oh, Happy Day

I'm really struggling right now, and I don't really know why.

I keep crying, and just when I think I've cried myself out, I get a new onslaught of tears. I've been this way since the weekend, and it doesn't seem to be getting better. I hate myself for allowing it to continue, but I can't seem to make it stop or snap myself out of it. It's partially because I see it as weak, and also because I know it doesn't really help make me feel better, and I hate being whiny.

The other problem is that one thought sets off a litany of others. One insecurity is the catalyst to start the laundry list of things I see wrong with myself. And, believe me, I can pick them out at the drop of a hat before I even finish the question.

I've been dwelling on rejection lately, of all kinds. As I said, one instance brings all the others out to play like recess time. In the fall, I struggled with being second choice/a back-up option/2nd string/alternative in most aspects of my life. Job, friends, church, personal, family--you name it, I could give you chapter and verse to backup and validate my feelings. Now, it seems to have slipped from 2nd string to bottom of the barrel...like a leftover/reject snack at the work potluck. I've been feeling like the LAST choice, not just 2nd. Again, I can give you examples that reinforce why I feel this way, but suffice it to say, rejection has not gotten any easier. In all fairness, I'm not sure the people realize how it affects me, and it's me that feels this way. They have not MADE me feel this way. I am allowing myself to consider their opinion so high that it affects ME.

I know some friends who will tell me that it's because I'm letting my past dictate how I'm feeling, and you know what? I would wholeheartedly agree. I don't know if all of these thoughts and feelings are coming up because I'm trying to work on forgiveness for several members of my family and really people that have affected me in general but I've never really forgiven.

February is the shortest month of the year, but for me, it's also the toughest. I don't know if it's because for the past several months, we've been cooped up inside, and so I'm more sensitive in February, possibly? It is the month that has packed the biggest punches in my life so far.

I know that "This, too, shall pass," but when you're in the middle of the storm, it can be very difficult to keep the faith. Even trying to remind myself of God's infinite love seems to be a trite statement and a cop-out.

I've also realized over the past couple of days that people deal with unhappiness in others in several different ways. Some people only want you to feel better because it makes them feel uncomfortable when you are unhappy, and they want those strange feelings to go away as soon as possible. Some people try to fix you with whatever they see the problem as being whether that is the truth or not. Some people don't even realize it and take everything you say at face value because it's easy. And a few, very few, genuinely want to help you and make you feel better because they care about you as a person and as a friend. For me personally, I am a mixture of all of these, depending on my mood and my relationship to the person.

And I was doing so well...
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Leftover Choices

I cannot fake reality
And a lie is still a lie;
But I can fool many, including myself,
At least until things go awry.

Deep within myself,
I can stuff skeletons into corners.
I just turn off all the lights
And close up the borders.

I'm supposed to open myself up to pain,
But I have no desire for torture.
At what point do I say enough is enough?
At what point have a become the basest creature?

How important is anyone, really?
What do we even mean
To others who are around us
That treat us as though we're unclean?

The world relies on relationships,
It's rumored that everyone has a someone;
I'm sure in most cases that's true,
But what about when you have a no-one?

If I'm at the bottom of all the options,
Then am I really a choice?
If no one listens when I speak,
What's the power of my voice?

No one seems to see
No one seems to hear
No one is a powerful being
That will never appear.

Where seems to be the flaw?
The part that drives you away?
Why am I even asking?
No matter what, I will never be okay.

I sit, locked in my tower of titanium,
staring through the windows at passersby.
A glance upward would reveal all is not well,
But when people look, all they see is the sky.

I cannot say I blame them,
I am as cold as my tower.
I know no other way to be
All my life, I've been a coward.