True commitment seems like a rare thing these days. With so many options available and everyone wanting an instant, get-rich/thin/famous-quick life story, the appeal of endurance has slightly lost its luster. People are reluctant to get involved or stick things out past the rough patches. Jobs are changed every couple of years, romantic relationships are exchanged every couple of months when it "didn't work out", and friends are lost by the wayside as people migrate to other cities, states, and sometimes even countries.
When you are placed into a psychiatric institution("mental ward"), you are "committed", and maybe commitment is a little crazy. It does take some nerves, dedication, and oftentimes, idiocy to be dedicated to something so devoutly. It is the opposite of sanity, occasionally, when everything inside you is telling you to get out and you ignore that and dive right back into the midst of the battle.
With promises being so important to me, you would think commitment would be very important to me. And, it is, BUT... I am commitment-phobic. That's right. I'm putting it out there. I stress myself out so much, that I rarely try things in case they fail. Yep, I plan on failing from the start. The funny thing is that I am much better at being committed to other people's problems than my own. I am one of the best sideline cheerleaders you'll ever meet, and while I do get some sort of pleasure and satisfaction about helping others with bettering their lives, it is really more of a distraction/avoidance technique for me. If I'm focusing on others, I don't need to look at what I need to improve.
My introspective self swings like a pendulum. On one end, I know myself and my insecurities, strengths, coping mechanisms, etc. On the other end, I put on blinders and become oblivious and stagnant in my personal, and sometimes spiritual, life. It isn't until someone removes the mud from my eyes that I realize where I've ended up.
I find this all somewhat amusing because, despite my commitment phobia issues, I really am more of an endurance/in-it-for-the-longer-haul kind of person. My sister was always the one that had the spark and the bright, shiny packaging, while I meld into the background, like a slow-burning ember in the fire. She was the show-quality Poodle or Thoroughbred race horse, while I was the mutt or the wild mustang, whom nobody gave a second glance. It used to bother me a lot, but while the thoughts of feeling lesser have not disappeared, they have slightly diminished. I realize that, while there are people that will prefer that type of person, there are others who are more "my type" of friends and colleagues.
I am surprised sometimes that I have remained Orthodox this long. Not because I don't love the church or because I have doubts, but because it has required lots of commitment. Some of the spiritual struggles have been difficult, and there have been several times where I have debated the validity and the point of it all and considered throwing in the towel. But, much like any personal relationship, I find myself empty and missing without it. I'll admit there are times I do just coast along without doing any real spiritual healing or diagnosing, but the majority of the time, Orthodoxy fills the majority of my soul, with personal relationships, work, and various other parts of life, filling in the rest.
Would I say I am committed to God? I would like to say yes, but the truth is, I really have no idea. It's easy to say in a time period where words mean nothing and persecution is not blatant, but if it came down to me losing my head or spending time in jail? I can't honestly be sure, and that just makes me sad. God is committed to ME and my salvation; why can't I be the same to Him?
=========================================================
Love Alone is Worth the Fight - Switchfoot
I'm trying to find where my place is
I'm looking for my own oasis
So close I can taste this
The fear that love alone erases
So I'm back to the basics
I figure it's time I face this
Time to take my own advice
Love alone is worth the fight
Love alone is worth the fight
And I never thought it'd come to this
But it seems like I'm finally feeling numb to this
The funny thing about a name is
You forget what the reason you were playing the game is
And it's all an illusion
A 21st century institution
So I'm headed down the open road unknown
And we find what we're made of
Through the open door
Is it fear you're afraid of?
What are you waiting for?
Love alone is worth the fight
Love alone is worth the fight
We're only here for a season
I'm looking for the rhyme and reason
Why you're born, why you're leaving
What you fear and what you believe in
Why you're living and breathing
Why you're fighting it and getting it even
Let's go headed down the open road unknown
And we find what we're made of
Through the open door
Is it fear you're afraid of?
What are you waiting for?
Love alone is worth the fight
Love alone is worth the fight
Monday, January 6, 2014
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Atalanta (or Tortoise vs. the Hare Pt. 2)
No, I did not misspell the largest city in Georgia.
When I was little, I had a board game called By Jove, in which I learned about a woman in Greek mythology, which has always fascinated me. Like St. Katherine, she was an anomaly of her time as a strong woman. Atalanta told her father that she would only marry someone who could best her. Her focus, though, was in the physical realm. I am not sure why this particular story fascinated me so much. In both instances, the women did not settle for the status quo or merely accept their fate.
Patience is often considered a weakness. This is clearly not the case. In a world where we are often called to action or advised to "Go, go, go!", it can be extremely difficult to be patient. In the Christmas story, several people are asked to wait on God: Joachim and Anna, Joseph and Mary, and Simeon. It takes strong faith to be able to say, "God, here are my troubles, although You already know them. I lay them at the foot of Your cross and accept Your will for my life," and then move on and NOT think or worry about them anymore. I do not have this kind of faith.
I've been recently thinking about how much I tend to idolize people, relationships, and marriage. In my feeble understanding of God, I think it's probable that He provided the family I had so that I would NOT be as attached to this world more than I already am. Struggling against your passions is NOT an easy thing. It is very exhausting and draining mentally, and it isn't just 1 battle. It's war! I don't even pretend to be good at this. Sometimes, sadly, I don't even attempt to fight.
I talk about not wanting to be in control, but as someone pointed out to me recently(much to my chagrin), I am a VERY critical person–about almost anything. I don't mean to be, obviously, and it's almost a knee-jerk reaction. If I had to pinpoint a New Year's resolution, mine would be to only have nice things come out of my mouth. I love my friends, and it hurts me to think that I hurt them. As hard as I am on things and people around me, I am that much more critical of myself and my self-perceived imperfections.
In considering what the next 12 months will bring, it does take a lot of patience, which we've already determined I don't really have, to take each day at a time. Usually, God has to drag me kicking down some new path that looks a bit too hazy and foggy for me. I still find myself wanting to be a Christian on MY terms, not according to God's tenets. Lifelong battle, I'm afraid. Sorry, God... I have changed my mindset on some relationships, what I want in my personal life and family, and I have finally accepted that God accepts ME, no matter what I do. Since His love is not earned, it cannot be un-earned. Thank God for Divine Grace!
What do I want for 2014? At this point, honestly, I'm not sure. There are several different paths I could go, and I have a very bad habit of biting off more than I can chew. The best PC answer would be to work on my relationship with God and make that the focus of my every day thoughts and activities. The more honest answer is probably just to be happy–not that this is a bad thing; it's just not the goal of a Christ-centered life.
================================================
Keep Making Me - Sidewalk Prophets
Make me broken
So I can be healed
‘Cause I’m so calloused
And now I can’t feel
I want to run to You
With heart wide open
Make me broken
Make empty
So I can be filled
‘Cause I’m still holding
Onto my will
And I’m completed
When you are with me
Make me empty
[Chorus:]
‘Til You are my one desire
‘Til You are my one true love
‘Til You are my breath, my everything
Lord, please keep making me
Make me lonely
So I can be Yours
‘Til I want no one
More than You, Lord
‘Cause in the darkness
I know You will hold me
Make me lonely
When I was little, I had a board game called By Jove, in which I learned about a woman in Greek mythology, which has always fascinated me. Like St. Katherine, she was an anomaly of her time as a strong woman. Atalanta told her father that she would only marry someone who could best her. Her focus, though, was in the physical realm. I am not sure why this particular story fascinated me so much. In both instances, the women did not settle for the status quo or merely accept their fate.
Patience is often considered a weakness. This is clearly not the case. In a world where we are often called to action or advised to "Go, go, go!", it can be extremely difficult to be patient. In the Christmas story, several people are asked to wait on God: Joachim and Anna, Joseph and Mary, and Simeon. It takes strong faith to be able to say, "God, here are my troubles, although You already know them. I lay them at the foot of Your cross and accept Your will for my life," and then move on and NOT think or worry about them anymore. I do not have this kind of faith.
I've been recently thinking about how much I tend to idolize people, relationships, and marriage. In my feeble understanding of God, I think it's probable that He provided the family I had so that I would NOT be as attached to this world more than I already am. Struggling against your passions is NOT an easy thing. It is very exhausting and draining mentally, and it isn't just 1 battle. It's war! I don't even pretend to be good at this. Sometimes, sadly, I don't even attempt to fight.
I talk about not wanting to be in control, but as someone pointed out to me recently(much to my chagrin), I am a VERY critical person–about almost anything. I don't mean to be, obviously, and it's almost a knee-jerk reaction. If I had to pinpoint a New Year's resolution, mine would be to only have nice things come out of my mouth. I love my friends, and it hurts me to think that I hurt them. As hard as I am on things and people around me, I am that much more critical of myself and my self-perceived imperfections.
In considering what the next 12 months will bring, it does take a lot of patience, which we've already determined I don't really have, to take each day at a time. Usually, God has to drag me kicking down some new path that looks a bit too hazy and foggy for me. I still find myself wanting to be a Christian on MY terms, not according to God's tenets. Lifelong battle, I'm afraid. Sorry, God... I have changed my mindset on some relationships, what I want in my personal life and family, and I have finally accepted that God accepts ME, no matter what I do. Since His love is not earned, it cannot be un-earned. Thank God for Divine Grace!
What do I want for 2014? At this point, honestly, I'm not sure. There are several different paths I could go, and I have a very bad habit of biting off more than I can chew. The best PC answer would be to work on my relationship with God and make that the focus of my every day thoughts and activities. The more honest answer is probably just to be happy–not that this is a bad thing; it's just not the goal of a Christ-centered life.
================================================
Keep Making Me - Sidewalk Prophets
Make me broken
So I can be healed
‘Cause I’m so calloused
And now I can’t feel
I want to run to You
With heart wide open
Make me broken
Make empty
So I can be filled
‘Cause I’m still holding
Onto my will
And I’m completed
When you are with me
Make me empty
[Chorus:]
‘Til You are my one desire
‘Til You are my one true love
‘Til You are my breath, my everything
Lord, please keep making me
Make me lonely
So I can be Yours
‘Til I want no one
More than You, Lord
‘Cause in the darkness
I know You will hold me
Make me lonely
Saturday, December 7, 2013
Tortoise vs. the Hare - Part 1
I do not like New Year's resolutions. I think people intend good things with them, but usually, someone makes a dramatic statement about how this is going to be the year they run a marathon, lose 50 pounds, travel the world, complete their bucket list, etc. and then by the end of January, real life and their familiar comfort zones beckon, and the intended dreams fall by the wayside. I think the reason it bothers me is that it does not cultivate a "Change now!" mentality. Anyone that talks about goal setting and life coaching will tell you that if you want to make a change, you just do it. Nothing grand about it, just make one change that day. The next day, either decide again to make that change or build upon it until it becomes a habit. Habits and practice are the only way to make an everlasting change.
Hello. I am the pot calling the kettle black.
I do not like New Year's resolutions, but I do like the end of the year and reflecting on where I've been the past 12 months and whether I've grown or stagnated. When I think about December 2012 and read some things I wrote during that time, I have a mixture of satisfaction and frustration. Satisfaction, obviously, is for the positive changes in my life. This is easy to mull over, mentally mark as complete, and file away. The frustrations are more interesting, usually. Despite the growth I know I have made year over year, I tend to still view life as an awkward 16-year old trying to determine what things mean. I do not know if this ever goes away.
For this particular year, I know for certain I have made spiritual progress. I do not say that in an arrogant "I am closer to God" way, but just a realistic self-evaluation. It often feels as though I am just beginning my spiritual journey with God. I think I have progressed so far ahead and then the curtain falls back and I realize just how far I have to go. I think this year's big focus for me has been realizing and accepting Divine Grace. Growing up in an environment where affection and value had to be earned, it has been a long mental struggle allowing myself to believe that just being God's adopted child is enough.
I would get jealous when I heard of people that had some sort of epiphany one day about their religious life. I never had an "Aha!" moment where I instantly realized that I was a "Christian" in every sense of the word. When I consider that now, however, I don't know that an instant moment is what I would need to make an everlasting change. God clearly already knows that about me.
I am better off setting a foundation, building upon it until it's set in stone, and then moving on to the next stage. I have always considered myself to be more of an endurance person than a sprinter, and this filters into all facets of my life: work, relationships, health, hobbies, etc. My intent is not to downplay those who have another view, but I see the quicker things as superficial, rushed, inauthentic, and half-hearted.
Unfortunately, like many others, I learn best in hindsight. Trial and error have been my best teachers. As you already know, I am inarguably stubborn and I have trouble listening to the advice of others. I have to fall on my own face before I will listen to someone telling me the way is treacherous and slippery. I rarely realize in the moment that I have changed. It is not until later that I realize the progress over the past month/year/etc., when I take stock in where I am, and realize that something is different. I do like surprises, though...
__________________________________________________________________
MercyMe - Shake
I just can't believe
Where my life was at
All that I know is that my heart was broken
And I don't ever wanna go back
Ain't no explanation
How I saw the light
He found me and set me free
And it brought me back to life
Blame it on the transformation
Changed down to the core
His love is real
And I can't sit still
Cuz my name's not shamed no more
Great God Almighty, gonna change this
Great God Almighty, He gonna change me
You gotta shake, shake, shake
Like you're changed, changed, changed
Brand new looks so good on you
So shake like you've been changed
Come on and shake, shake
Shake like you've been changed
Shake, shake, shake like you changed
Maybe He came to you
When everything seemed fine
Or maybe your world was upside down and hit you right between the eyes
No matter when it happened
At 7 or 95
Move your feet ‘cause you are free
And you've never been more alive
You gotta shake, shake, shake
Like you're changed, changed, changed
Brand new looks so good on you
So shake like you've been changed
Come on and shake, shake, shake
Shake like you changed, changed, changed
Shake, shake, shake like you changed
Brand new looks so good on you
So shake like you've been changed
Come on and shake, shake, shake
Shake like you changed, changed, changed
Shake, shake, shake like you changed
Shake, Shake
Great God Almighty gonna change me
Great God Almighty, He gone and changed me
No matter when it happened
At 7 or 95
Move your feet, ‘cause you are free
And you've never been more alive
Hello. I am the pot calling the kettle black.
I do not like New Year's resolutions, but I do like the end of the year and reflecting on where I've been the past 12 months and whether I've grown or stagnated. When I think about December 2012 and read some things I wrote during that time, I have a mixture of satisfaction and frustration. Satisfaction, obviously, is for the positive changes in my life. This is easy to mull over, mentally mark as complete, and file away. The frustrations are more interesting, usually. Despite the growth I know I have made year over year, I tend to still view life as an awkward 16-year old trying to determine what things mean. I do not know if this ever goes away.
For this particular year, I know for certain I have made spiritual progress. I do not say that in an arrogant "I am closer to God" way, but just a realistic self-evaluation. It often feels as though I am just beginning my spiritual journey with God. I think I have progressed so far ahead and then the curtain falls back and I realize just how far I have to go. I think this year's big focus for me has been realizing and accepting Divine Grace. Growing up in an environment where affection and value had to be earned, it has been a long mental struggle allowing myself to believe that just being God's adopted child is enough.
I would get jealous when I heard of people that had some sort of epiphany one day about their religious life. I never had an "Aha!" moment where I instantly realized that I was a "Christian" in every sense of the word. When I consider that now, however, I don't know that an instant moment is what I would need to make an everlasting change. God clearly already knows that about me.
I am better off setting a foundation, building upon it until it's set in stone, and then moving on to the next stage. I have always considered myself to be more of an endurance person than a sprinter, and this filters into all facets of my life: work, relationships, health, hobbies, etc. My intent is not to downplay those who have another view, but I see the quicker things as superficial, rushed, inauthentic, and half-hearted.
Unfortunately, like many others, I learn best in hindsight. Trial and error have been my best teachers. As you already know, I am inarguably stubborn and I have trouble listening to the advice of others. I have to fall on my own face before I will listen to someone telling me the way is treacherous and slippery. I rarely realize in the moment that I have changed. It is not until later that I realize the progress over the past month/year/etc., when I take stock in where I am, and realize that something is different. I do like surprises, though...
__________________________________________________________________
MercyMe - Shake
I just can't believe
Where my life was at
All that I know is that my heart was broken
And I don't ever wanna go back
Ain't no explanation
How I saw the light
He found me and set me free
And it brought me back to life
Blame it on the transformation
Changed down to the core
His love is real
And I can't sit still
Cuz my name's not shamed no more
Great God Almighty, gonna change this
Great God Almighty, He gonna change me
You gotta shake, shake, shake
Like you're changed, changed, changed
Brand new looks so good on you
So shake like you've been changed
Come on and shake, shake
Shake like you've been changed
Shake, shake, shake like you changed
Maybe He came to you
When everything seemed fine
Or maybe your world was upside down and hit you right between the eyes
No matter when it happened
At 7 or 95
Move your feet ‘cause you are free
And you've never been more alive
You gotta shake, shake, shake
Like you're changed, changed, changed
Brand new looks so good on you
So shake like you've been changed
Come on and shake, shake, shake
Shake like you changed, changed, changed
Shake, shake, shake like you changed
Brand new looks so good on you
So shake like you've been changed
Come on and shake, shake, shake
Shake like you changed, changed, changed
Shake, shake, shake like you changed
Shake, Shake
Great God Almighty gonna change me
Great God Almighty, He gone and changed me
No matter when it happened
At 7 or 95
Move your feet, ‘cause you are free
And you've never been more alive
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Relationships Revisited
Relationships, oh, how you mock me.
I feel at a crossroads right now. I have recently been trying again to focus on my personal relationship with God and making him my source of love, strength, and healing. I haven't been using this as a retreat from the world-more of a regrouping. Each time I attempt to have this happen, somehow a distraction appears. Not always a bad distraction-usually, it is something very good, but a distraction nonetheless.
I believe I have mentioned before, but I am a very literal person. I understand metaphors, but I always wonder the origins and the reasoning for an individual phrase. On my way to vespers for St. Nicholas tonight, I listened to a song that talked about moving mountains. I considered the referenced bible verse:
"Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” (Matthew 17:20)
When I was little, I thought it literally meant to move physical mountains. I should be able to rearrange the earth, right? I thought I lacked faith because I couldn't even get a grain of sand to move with my prayers. You may laugh now, but this was a serious concern for me, and I inferred that I must not love God enough, and that he wasn't listening to me because I just didn't believe hard enough.
Of course, I came to understand that it meant trials in life and overcoming the temporary frailties of this life. More recently though, I have considered that maybe it does not mean removing the trials, but just removing the consternation and conflicting emotions that the trials bring that cause separation from God. The trials themselves are rarely the issue. It is the surrounding doubts, internal turmoil, and resulting insecurities that cause the biggest damage.
One thing I've learned in 2013 is that I am an idol worshipper. I don't care about celebrities, gold statues, fast cars, etc., but I put several things ahead of God. It doesn't always grieve me to upset God, but I get emotional about things I have attached to here in this life. I am almost certain God doesn't give me a couple of things I currently ask for because He knows it will just deter me from seeking Him. We'll see who's more stubborn... ;)
=================================================================
We Won't Be Shaken - Building 429
This world has nothing for me
This life is not my own
I know you go before me
And I am not alone
This mountain rises higher
This way seems so unclear
But I know that you go with me
I will trust in you
Whatever will come my way
Through fire or pouring rain
We won't be shaken
No we won't be shaken
Whatever tomorrow brings
Together we'll rise and sing
That we won't be shaken
Oooh Oh Oh
Oooh Oh Oh
Oooh Oh Oh
No we won't be shaken
You know my every longing
You've heard my every prayer
You've held me in my weakness
Cause you are always there
So I'll stand in full surrender
It's your way and not my own
My mind is set on nothing less
Than you and you alone
I will not be moved oh
Whatever will come my way
Through fire or pouring rain
We won't be shaken
No we won't be shaken
Whatever tomorrow brings
Together we'll rise and sing
That we won't be shaken
I feel at a crossroads right now. I have recently been trying again to focus on my personal relationship with God and making him my source of love, strength, and healing. I haven't been using this as a retreat from the world-more of a regrouping. Each time I attempt to have this happen, somehow a distraction appears. Not always a bad distraction-usually, it is something very good, but a distraction nonetheless.
I believe I have mentioned before, but I am a very literal person. I understand metaphors, but I always wonder the origins and the reasoning for an individual phrase. On my way to vespers for St. Nicholas tonight, I listened to a song that talked about moving mountains. I considered the referenced bible verse:
"Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” (Matthew 17:20)
When I was little, I thought it literally meant to move physical mountains. I should be able to rearrange the earth, right? I thought I lacked faith because I couldn't even get a grain of sand to move with my prayers. You may laugh now, but this was a serious concern for me, and I inferred that I must not love God enough, and that he wasn't listening to me because I just didn't believe hard enough.
Of course, I came to understand that it meant trials in life and overcoming the temporary frailties of this life. More recently though, I have considered that maybe it does not mean removing the trials, but just removing the consternation and conflicting emotions that the trials bring that cause separation from God. The trials themselves are rarely the issue. It is the surrounding doubts, internal turmoil, and resulting insecurities that cause the biggest damage.
One thing I've learned in 2013 is that I am an idol worshipper. I don't care about celebrities, gold statues, fast cars, etc., but I put several things ahead of God. It doesn't always grieve me to upset God, but I get emotional about things I have attached to here in this life. I am almost certain God doesn't give me a couple of things I currently ask for because He knows it will just deter me from seeking Him. We'll see who's more stubborn... ;)
=================================================================
We Won't Be Shaken - Building 429
This world has nothing for me
This life is not my own
I know you go before me
And I am not alone
This mountain rises higher
This way seems so unclear
But I know that you go with me
I will trust in you
Whatever will come my way
Through fire or pouring rain
We won't be shaken
No we won't be shaken
Whatever tomorrow brings
Together we'll rise and sing
That we won't be shaken
Oooh Oh Oh
Oooh Oh Oh
Oooh Oh Oh
No we won't be shaken
You know my every longing
You've heard my every prayer
You've held me in my weakness
Cause you are always there
So I'll stand in full surrender
It's your way and not my own
My mind is set on nothing less
Than you and you alone
I will not be moved oh
Whatever will come my way
Through fire or pouring rain
We won't be shaken
No we won't be shaken
Whatever tomorrow brings
Together we'll rise and sing
That we won't be shaken
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Capes and Carpets
Oh. My. I have been gone quite a while. This has been for a couple of reasons: I started a new job, I have been keeping busy with dog rescue work, and honestly, I haven't really felt the need to write.
What has changed, you may ask? I suppose I have begun another cycle of introspection. I tend to flow in and out of seasons of desiring change and of just coasting. It's not a negative thing. If I focus too much, I will beat myself up very badly; if I don't focus enough, I won't change at all.
Several people have commented on the idea that I am "Superwoman." They tell me I should let my guard down and let someone help me. My response is, "Who? Are YOU volunteering to be that someone?" Usually, the response is either an awkward silence or an embarrassed hemming and hawing, finally responding with "No, but someone."
I have taken care of myself for so long, I don't know how to be any other way, but honestly, it's not out of choice. I would LOVE for someone to come along, not necessarily to take care of me, but for me to lean on. Taking care of everything around me is tiring; making it look like I have everything taken care of, or seemingly don't care when it's tearing me up inside, is debilitating.
I'm not going to lie: I will always be a strong woman, and most likely the guy I end up marrying (if it happens) is going to have a feisty, opinionated warrior on his hands; BUT, the only reason I have been "Superwoman"(which is a false label, anyway) is because I have HAD to.
In my past experiences with people close to me, whenever I leaned on them, the carpet got pulled out from under me. I learned early on that people will disappoint you, even the ones purporting to be your caretaker and /or in your inner circle, so I stopped leaning on people. Not a surprising reaction.
I have to consciously fight against my trained tendency to close myself off, and a few times, I have even managed to ask for help! I still don't really believe people when they promise me things they will do for me. I'm more of a "I'll believe it when it happens" kind of person, especially with certain people that have proved that their promises really don't mean much to them. I take promises VERY seriously.
I struggled long and hard with trusting God as well because if people disappoint you, it's one thing; but if God disappoints you, where do you go? My heart would break in exponential measurements, if such a thing could be measured. In the Orthodox church, we have one or more Psalms read in each service. It is comforting to hear David, one of God's chosen and beloved, making statements that strike a chord somewhere within me or that I have uttered in my life at one time or another. The Psalms as far as content are all over the map, i.e. praising, seeking, confessing, etc. They encompass so many emotions all within a span of 150 verses. As Orthodox Christians, we are to read the Psalms in their entirety at least once every week(the early monks did this daily). If you read nothing else in the Bible for the week, at least reading the Psalms puts your mind in a good reflective state. I'm not saying I make this happen every week, but it's a goal. :)
In a world that emphasizes partnering with people, I find it challenging to be just with God and to be okay with that. I have considered though that in the Garden of Eden, Adam had God and all the animals to himself, and he STILL needed someone else––someone to complete him, although she came out of him. When I think about that, I don't feel so guilty having a desire for someone in addition to God.
So, until the day I have a partner in crime, I plan my life for me and only me, I make no expectations of people in my life, and I will continue pretending to be "Superwoman" as long as my cape is needed to protect me.
On THAT note, I will be spending Thanksgiving Day with the pups.
What has changed, you may ask? I suppose I have begun another cycle of introspection. I tend to flow in and out of seasons of desiring change and of just coasting. It's not a negative thing. If I focus too much, I will beat myself up very badly; if I don't focus enough, I won't change at all.
Several people have commented on the idea that I am "Superwoman." They tell me I should let my guard down and let someone help me. My response is, "Who? Are YOU volunteering to be that someone?" Usually, the response is either an awkward silence or an embarrassed hemming and hawing, finally responding with "No, but someone."
I have taken care of myself for so long, I don't know how to be any other way, but honestly, it's not out of choice. I would LOVE for someone to come along, not necessarily to take care of me, but for me to lean on. Taking care of everything around me is tiring; making it look like I have everything taken care of, or seemingly don't care when it's tearing me up inside, is debilitating.
I'm not going to lie: I will always be a strong woman, and most likely the guy I end up marrying (if it happens) is going to have a feisty, opinionated warrior on his hands; BUT, the only reason I have been "Superwoman"(which is a false label, anyway) is because I have HAD to.
In my past experiences with people close to me, whenever I leaned on them, the carpet got pulled out from under me. I learned early on that people will disappoint you, even the ones purporting to be your caretaker and /or in your inner circle, so I stopped leaning on people. Not a surprising reaction.
I have to consciously fight against my trained tendency to close myself off, and a few times, I have even managed to ask for help! I still don't really believe people when they promise me things they will do for me. I'm more of a "I'll believe it when it happens" kind of person, especially with certain people that have proved that their promises really don't mean much to them. I take promises VERY seriously.
I struggled long and hard with trusting God as well because if people disappoint you, it's one thing; but if God disappoints you, where do you go? My heart would break in exponential measurements, if such a thing could be measured. In the Orthodox church, we have one or more Psalms read in each service. It is comforting to hear David, one of God's chosen and beloved, making statements that strike a chord somewhere within me or that I have uttered in my life at one time or another. The Psalms as far as content are all over the map, i.e. praising, seeking, confessing, etc. They encompass so many emotions all within a span of 150 verses. As Orthodox Christians, we are to read the Psalms in their entirety at least once every week(the early monks did this daily). If you read nothing else in the Bible for the week, at least reading the Psalms puts your mind in a good reflective state. I'm not saying I make this happen every week, but it's a goal. :)
In a world that emphasizes partnering with people, I find it challenging to be just with God and to be okay with that. I have considered though that in the Garden of Eden, Adam had God and all the animals to himself, and he STILL needed someone else––someone to complete him, although she came out of him. When I think about that, I don't feel so guilty having a desire for someone in addition to God.
So, until the day I have a partner in crime, I plan my life for me and only me, I make no expectations of people in my life, and I will continue pretending to be "Superwoman" as long as my cape is needed to protect me.
On THAT note, I will be spending Thanksgiving Day with the pups.
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