Failure

Lack of success. The omission of expected or required action. The action or state of not functioning. Failure.

If 2016 was the Year of Firsts, 2017 has been the Year of Failure.

Failure at my job. Failure at health. Failure at being a good friend. Failure at being a good pregnant lady. Failure at being a good church leader. Failure at budgeting. Failure at being a good doggie mom. Failure at being able to carry a baby to full-term. Failure at being able to feed my own child. Failure at being a good girlfriend. Failure at being a good daughter. Failure at being a good sister. Failure at being able to take care of my child after he got out of the hospital. Failure at feeling guilty at being relieved that my son is being adopted and I won't have to be responsible. Failure at being a mother.

Failure to thrive. FAILURE to thrive.

With success being drilled into my head early in my life, one's value is only as good as your last success. My latest failure is quite a doozy. Even taking into account A's special feeding needs and my lack of infant experience, all I can hear with the assessment of failure-to-thrive is that I am not good enough. It makes me want to retreat into a corner and curl up in a ball. I don't know how to get past this mindset, no matter how much people try to reassure me it's a medical diagnosis and doesn't mean I necessarily anything wrong. If that's true, how is it that he's gained 1 pound in a week, he's happy, cooing, smiling, and sleeping through the night?

I failed. Whether it happened because of lack of knowledge or his medical situation, the end result is the same. What if it happens with the next child? Who's going to trust me to take care of a child when I couldn't even handle it for 3 weeks? 
How do you learn how to parent when everyone expects you to magically know?

So what do you do after a failure? We'll find out.
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Fix You

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go,
If you never try, you'll never know
Just what you're worth.

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones,
And I will try to fix you.

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from all my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

In Memoriam

This wasn't how it was supposed to go.

After choosing an adoption family and scheduling the court appointment for termination of rights, we have a new development! So exciting...😒

Little A has been diagnosed with Solitary median maxillary central incisor (SMMCI) syndrome. Before you attempt to look it up, it's a rare(1 in 50,000) genetic condition which has developmental defects early(day 35-38) in utero. Fortunately, he doesn't have the deviation between his brain hemispheres, but it still means multiple doctor appointments and various forms of therapy. He has also been labeled as failure-to-thrive because he keeps losing weight. He's lost 10 oz since he left the hospital, and they're worried about his motor development, since he's not developmentally where a 2-month old baby should be.

The adopting family decided they aren't the right family for him because he will need so much special care, extra doctor appointments, various therapies, and extra medical needs. I understand the hesitation, but I am disappointed. Their reasoning was they wouldn't be able to have the time needed for all the extra trips to the doctor and special needs activities. As J pointed out to me when I tried to defend them, it would be like finding out your biological child was special needs. You do whatever it takes to make it work. I love him all the more for that train of thinking. I tried to explain, many times(not always), when people adopt, they are looking for certain characteristics. Very few people intentionally want a special needs child. yes, there are sperm banks and IVF, but adoption can be similar in terms of "shopping" for a child.

Since it's genetic, I do worry that any subsequent children could have this issue. I know there's nothing I can really do about it, but I MAY have a slight inclination to over analyze and internalize everything. Don't get me wrong: if my next child has some kind of major issue, I'm not giving them up. That's my main issue with the adopting family-they said they promised to take care of him and love him just like I would. I am NOT giving him up because he's special needs. I'm giving him to another family because he's a baby, not because he's a special needs baby. There's a difference. This is what I am worried about him being sensitive about - the concern that he will think it's because he's "difficult" or not perfect in some way.

The good news is he does have another option for a new family. The temporary (cradle home) foster family that has been caring for him has expressed interest in adopting him. They already have several special needs children of their own. The father works from home and the mother does not work outside the home, so it would be a great setup for any medical care A would need. He would stay nearby, and I know they have a very Christ-centered focus in their home.

Another family that was initially interested didn’t want to be considered anymore because they felt like I was uncertain when we had talked about them being his family earlier. Birth mothers aren’t just casting aside their children for what’s convenient and whatever family expresses interest. Especially if you get attached to your child, whether while in the womb or post-labor, thoughts about trying to make it work will constantly present themselves. Is it even possible to make it work? Staying with the birth family should always be the default consideration.

Someone commented to me that maybe I was sharing a bit too much. ME!! I share for a few reasons. I need to process. While I do enjoy talking with people about my thoughts and feelings, sometimes just throwing it all on paper clears all my thinking. Also, a few people have commented derogatorily about adoption and birth mothers. I think it helps to see the behind the scenes, the concerns, anxieties, emotional roller coasters, and the reasoning that mothers go through. This isn’t just a “What’s for dinner?” decision process.

I don't pretend to be the "typical" birth mom. In fact, all I've heard through most of this journey is how unusual and abnormal my situation is. I've heard that my entire life. I'm used to it! A rare genetic syndrome, post-birth adoption, and odd social circumstances are just par for the course. If you read my posts, you're not going to magically understand what all mothers go through, and I would warn against trying to do that at all.

For better or worse, it is what it is. I feel like I say that often these days. Part of it is resignation; part of it is acceptance, and part of it is just weariness. I really wish I were in a different set of circumstances. Whatever the resolution to all of this is, I would just like some kind of closure. Maybe someday soon.
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Hills and Valleys

I've walked among the shadows
You wiped my tears away
And I've felt the pain of heartbreak
And I've seen the brighter days
And I've prayed prayers to heaven
From my lowest place
And I have held your blessings
God, you give and take away
No matter what I have, Your grace is enough
No matter where I am, I'm standing in Your love

On the mountains, I will bow my life
To the one who set me there
In the valley, I will lift my eyes to the one who sees me there
When I'm standing on the mountain,
I didn't get there on my own

When I'm walking through the valley
I know I am not alone!
You're God of the hills and valleys!
Hills and Valleys!
God of the hills and valleys
And I am not alone!

I've watched my dreams get broken
In you I hope again!
No matter what I know
Know I'm safe inside Your hand

On the mountains, I will bow my life
To the one who set me there (to the one who set me there)
In the valley, I will lift my eyes to the one who sees me there
When I'm standing on the mountain,
I didn't get there on my own
When I'm walking through the valley
I know I am not alone!
You're God of the hills and valleys!
Hills and Valleys!
God of the hills and valleys
And I am not alone!

Father, you give and take away
Every joy and every pain
Through it all you will remain
Over it all!

Father, you give and take away
Every joy and every pain
Through it all you will remain
Over it all!

On the mountains, I will bow my life
To the one who set me there (to the one who set me there)
In the valley, I will lift my eyes to the one who sees me there
When I'm standing on the mountain,
I didn't get there on my own
When I'm walking through the valley
I know I am not alone!
You're God of the hills and valleys!
Hills and Valleys!
God of the hills and valleys
And I am not alone!

And I will choose to say "Blessed be Your name, yeah, yeah"

And I am not alone

Love is Just the Beginning

To my son,

I picked out your new family last night. They seem pretty ideal, and I could tell just from reading their bio that they have so much love to give you. You'll get a mother with a huge heart, who cares about all the people around her. You'll get a father who cares if you're happy and will support your choices in life. You'll get a big brother who is already excited you're coming. You'll get not just your parents but an extended family and entire community who will lift you up in love and support. You will have so many opportunities I cannot provide and an environment which will encourage you to be your best self whomever that happens to be.

I especially want you to know that me giving you to them in no way means that you are less than perfect or not worth keeping. This has NO reflection on you at all. This has to do with me not being enough to give you the life you deserve. I am not abandoning you. If you ever need anything from me, I will drop everything and help in any way I can. I'm just adding more family into the mix. I wish I could keep you with me, but I know this will be best for everyone, especially you.

I love our little snuggles and watching you learn about the world. I can already tell you're inquisitive and patient. You're a chill little dude, especially when Rosie is being...well, Rosie. The world is an amazing and scary place, and I can't wait to see you learn and grow along with the rest of us.

I want you to grow up strong, conscientious, ambitious, hard-working, loving, helpful, and secure in being you. If, at some point, you decide you don't want to see me anymore, I completely understand and will respect your decision. I'll still pray for you. I will always love you, and no matter who legally takes care of you, you'll always be my child wherever you go.

Love always no matter what.
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To my son's new parents,

You're getting an amazing kid. I promise I'm not just saying that because I'm biased. I picked you on purpose because I know you'll be able to provide him all the things I cannot. He's a fighter and he IS strong, but he's also loving and affectionate.

I thank you for keeping his name, even though you don't have to. I appreciate you opening up your home and your hearts to raise him and give him whatever he needs. I'm glad he will have wonderful role models in all aspects of his life, but especially in his own home.

Please speak up if you feel I am being in any way intrusive or you begin to resent my desire to be involved. I know you don't have to let me see him other than the minimum contact, and I appreciate you not shutting me out completely. I don't want to take him from you. Mostly, I want to be able to enrich his already full support. He has been surrounded with love since the time he was discovered in my womb, and I know he's been prayed over throughout many prayer circles.

I look forward to getting to know you and him and help him on his journey together. Thank you so much for promising to take care of A and loving on him.

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To God,

I cannot imagine the strength the Theotokos must have had in watching her son whom she had kept for many years to be sacrificed in complete innocence. I think of how protective I feel over little A in such a short time and how he didn't ask for any of this to happen to him.

I know things will turn out for the best of everyone. I appreciate the short time you allowed me to care for him. (I especially appreciate all the $0 medical bills after my out-of-pocket max was met! $131,000 St. Thomas bill = poof!) I wish I could say I grew spiritually, but we both know the lie detector determined THAT was a lie.

I pray for you to watch over J, B, and C as they learn A and he learns them. I pray for them to lead them in the way he should go. I pray that they turn to you when they are struggling through less-than-perfect times. I mean, Moses, Esther, and Jesus were all adopted, and they turned out pretty okay.

I pray for you to strengthen A's faith whenever he feels lost or conflicted. I pray that you provide guidance and discernment when learning how the 2 families interact and move forward to support A to the best of our abilities, which is the ultimate barometer to determine next steps. I pray that you not make things easy on him but show him that you are always there to turn to in times of strife. I pray he learns how much you care for him. Please help me to remember that this is the best choice I can make for him and what he needs.

P.S. I wouldn't mind another one with slightly different circumstances.
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You'll Be in My Heart

Come stop your crying
It will be alright
Just take my hand
And hold it tight

I will protect you
From all around you
I will be here
Don't you cry

For one so small,
You seem so strong
My arms will hold you,
Keep you safe and warm
This bond between us
Can't be broken
I will be here
Don't you cry

'Cause you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more
You'll be in my heart
No matter what they say
You'll be here in my heart
Always

Why can't they understand the way we feel
They just don't trust what they can't explain
I know we're different, but deep inside us
We're not that different at all

And you'll be in my heart
Yes you'll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more

Don't listen to them
'Cause what do they know
We need each other, to have, to hold
They'll see in time, I know

When destiny calls you, you must be strong
I may not be with you
But you got to hold on
They'll see in time, I know
We'll show them together

'Cause you'll be in my heart
Believe me you'll be in my heart
I'll be there from this day on
Now and forever more

You'll be in my heart
No matter what they say
You'll be here in my heart
Always

Always I'll be with you
I'll be there for you always
Always and always

Just look over your shoulder
Just look over your shoulder
Just look over your shoulder
I'll be there
Always

Love is Not Enough

Despite what certain people say, love is not all you need.

2016 was a year of many firsts: I was responsible for helping plan social events for a bunch of people that don't usually want to be around too many people, I had my first peer-to-peer review, my first rebound relationship, and another first that became more obvious this year. It was the first time I had a couple different guys pursuing me, the first time I said I love you to my first boyfriend, the first time I had to consider a relationship longer than a few dates, the first time to think about meeting families, and I went through my first breakup.

It was the first time I had to consider someone's feelings on a daily, intimate level. It was the first time I had someone that cared enough to push past my walls. It was the first time I tried to let someone take care of me. (Yes, I said TRIED.) I loved him and he loved me, but it wasn't enough. He couldn't love me past my fears of intimacy and trust issues. I couldn't love him enough to make him feel valued or secure. He couldn't love me enough to get past our differences on religion. I couldn't love him enough for him to not resent me for my faith. He couldn't love me enough to fix my finances. I couldn't love him enough to eliminate his anger issues. He couldn't love me enough for me to know how to communicate my thoughts and feelings with him without lashing out.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying love isn't needed, but it should be the minimum. Yes, you need love, but you also need faith, trust, commitment, patience, communication, compassion, honesty, kindness, emotional support, romance, intimacy, vulnerability, and acceptance. Love can be passive. You can say you love God. Great. Now what? Unless love is in the active tense, it's essentially useless. Love must be active to be effective. Love is the first step. Where does it take you after that?

Love isn't enough to make you a good mother. I love BG, but I'm not able to provide the resources or the situation he needs to be set up the best in life. I've decided to give BG up for adoption officially. Does this mean I don't love him enough? Of course not.

I'm angry. I'm angry at BG's dad for bailing and being exactly who I thought he was. I'm angry at BG for interrupting my life. I'm angry at myself for lowering my standards and making a stupid choice and putting us in this position. I'm angry at everyone who tells me what I should do and feel. I'm angry at D for bailing when it got tough. I'm angry at J for not knowing what I need even though I don't tell him. I'm angry at the system which makes it difficult to get back on your feet. I'm angry because I'm not where I thought I would be at this point in my life. I'm angry because reality doesn't match the expectations.

But, I still love BG. It kills me that my issues and struggles could be passed on to him, not genetically as some might suggest, but because I would treat him differently. Am I meant to be more than a doggie mom? I'm not sure at this point. Maybe I'm more in love with the idea of being a Mom but don't want to deal with the gritty day-to-day.

Yes, I love him. But it isn't enough.
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Love is Not Enough

The more that we take
The paler we get
I can't remember what it is
We tried to forget

The tile on the floor
So cold it can sting
In your eyes is a place
Worth remembering

Do you wake up and taste this
And smash it apart
I've gone all this fucking way
To wind up back at the start

Hey the closer we think we are
Well it only got us so far
Have you got anything left to show
No no I didn't think so

Hey the sooner we realize
We cover ourselves with lies
Well Underneath we're not so tough
Oh love is not enough

Well it hides in the dark
Like the weaker and vain
We didn't give it a mouth
So it cannot complain

We never really had a chance
We never really make it through
And to think I believed
I believed I could get better with you

Hey the closer we think we are
Well it only got us so far
Have you got anything left to show
No no I didn't think so

Hey the sooner we realize
We cover ourselves with lies
Well Underneath we're not so tough
Oh love is not enough

My Drug

Music is my prayer. Music is my pronouncement of sentiments.

On Friday, I worried that I wasn't praying to God enough. I do pray. I allow myself to cry out in the lyrics of songs that describe the overwhelming myriad of thoughts and emotions. Songs have always given me the ability to pore out my frustrations, joys, heartaches, and determination in ways that mere words cannot do. I have many favorite songs depending on my current emotional state.

Outside of this blog, I am a very private person, and I have to remind myself to intentionally engage with others even in intimate relationships. Sometimes, it's a protective coping skill and sometimes, it's because I genuinely don't think people will find me interesting. I don't initiate conversations with others and usually, when I'm out in public, I have a resting b!+(h face. Before you ask, yes, this is also a defensive coping mechanism.

Even at work, I spend more time reading than I do talking to coworkers. The ironic thing is that I've had people complain that I talk too much, although had they told me instead of complaining about it with another coworker in a chat conversation, I would have stopped bothering them. So now, in an effort not to be that annoying chatty person that forces herself into unwanted conversations, I've overcorrected and don't talk to anyone unless they try to talk with me first. This makes for a lonely work day, since I come across as bristly so people leave me alone, although I want to be sociable but feel hesitant to talk to them first. It's much like walking a tightrope.

The wonderful thing about music is that you're never too old or young, too rich or poor, too uneducated or intelligent, or charismatic or awkward to find connections with others.  Music is healing, and of course, there are multiple studies that show the effect of music in multiple areas of the brain.

Occasionally, I use a dramatic movie or TV show as my tool for catharsis, but most likely, I'll play some music and allow myself for a few brief moments to feel before I tamper down my human side. (Also, I NEED movies to have happy endings!) Music allows you to inject your own slant to what the words mean, no matter the intention or personal experience of the songwriter.  Although the details of life are unique, human experiences are generally universal. While someone in Zambia may not understand the particulars of my childhood, he will be able to understand the hurts and pleasures experienced.

Even if the song in question seems to be a secular one, it fills in the gaps and helps to balance out the ups and downs of life. They can be as smooth as the Black Hills of South Dakota or they can be as turbulent as the Grand Tetons. While I do enjoy the dopamine from happy songs, periodically, I need the release that angry songs initiates.

Music minimizes rejection. Music soothes heartbreak. Music intensifies happiness. Music honors love, no matter the form. Music strengthens faith and trust.
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Trust in You

Letting go of every single dream
I lay each one down at Your feet
Every moment of my wandering
Never changes what You see
I try to win this war
I confess, my hands are weary, I need Your rest
Mighty warrior, king of the fight
No matter what I face You're by my side

When You don't move the mountains
I'm needing You to move
When You don't part the waters
I wish I could walk through
When You don't give the answers
As I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You

Truth is, You know what tomorrow brings
There's not a day ahead You have not seen
So let all things be my life and breath
I want what You want Lord and nothing less

When You don't move the mountains
I'm needing You to move
When You don't part the waters
I wish I could walk through
When You don't give the answers
As I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You
I will trust in You

You are my strength and comfort
You are my steady hand
You are my firm foudation
The rock on which I stand
Your ways are always higher
Your plans are always good
There's not a place where I'll go
You've not already stood

When You don't move the mountains
I'm needing You to move
When You don't part the waters
I wish I could walk through
When You don't give the answers
As I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You
I will trust in You
I will trust in You
I will trust in You