No man is an island, but sometimes they do become a peninsula.

So, it's been a wild time since the last post. I got laid off from my job; and while I have been floating a bit the past few days, funnily enough, I am more upset over something else than the job situation. I think it's partly because I had been considering leaving anyway, and also because I know it wasn't anything I specifically had done. There were several other people that were cut as well.

I have been a little bit low over the past week, more because I am lonely than because of the job. By no means do I think I am anywhere near ready for marriage or a long-term relationship-I realize that. As fewer and fewer in my age group and circles of friends are single, I envy the couples their closeness. I know that I should be happy with my singleness and work on improving myself(which I am doing, I hope), but it does hurt to not even be provided the opportunity. I waiver between feeling like a worthy companion to someone (other than dogs, that is) and worrying that I will disappoint them somehow when they "get to know the real me." The problem with having lower self-esteem is that I second-guess and over-analyze everything. I know that I turn away from people and maintain a closed-off attitude. I am very selective about the people that I let in close, and I am not good at keeping up a small-talk facade. I would never make it in high society! I am blunt almost to the point of being tactless, especially with people I am closer with. I have always compared myself to a wild pony or mustang. This is not to say that I am crass or lack any kind of etiquette. It's just that it takes the right horse whisperer to understand me. Jeez, now I sound arrogant as though I am the only one who can never be understood.

The problem is I have so many defense mechanisms and walls in place that sometimes they happen automatically and without my consent. I have trouble reverting to the mental/emotional place I was when I met someone. I have progressed a long way in terms of the health of my inner self, but I can guarantee that if I went back to high school or socialized with the people I knew even in my early years of college, I would be the same person as if I had never changed. I can logically explain and visualize everything I "should" be doing in situations, but when it happens, all that flies out the window.

I guess the only thing I can do at this point is to try and try again. Sometimes, I just keep up my facade of everything being okay, and only show the struggle when I am alone. It does get very tiring trying to project the "right" image. I have to be Superwoman, right?

Song for today: Kelly Clarkson - "Dark Side"

There's a place that I know. / It's not pretty there and few have ever gone. / If I show it to you now / Will it make you run away?
Or will you stay? / Even if it hurts, / Even if I try to push you out,  / Will you return? / And remind me who I really am? / Please remind me who I really am.
Everybody's got a dark side. / Do you love me? / Can you love mine? / Nobody's a picture perfect, / But we're worth it. / You know that we're worth it. / Will you love me? / Even with my dark side?
Like a diamond / From black dust, / It's hard to know / It can become. / A few give up. / So don't give up on me. / Please remind me who I really am.
Everybody's got a dark side. / Do you love me? / Can you love mine? / Nobody's a picture perfect, / But we're worth it. / You know that we're worth it. / Will you love me? / Even with my dark side?
Don't run away. / Don't run away. / Just tell me that you will stay. / Promise me you will stay. / Don't run away. / Don't run away. / Just promise me you will stay. / Promise me you will stay.
Will you love me? ohh / Everybody's got a dark side. / Do you love me? / Can you love mine? / Nobody's a picture perfect, / But we're worth it / You know that we're worth it. / Will you love me? / Even with my dark side?

My music tells you what you need to know about me, at least in that moment.

Music has been a part of my life for further back than my memories allow. My mom was a music professor, and there was always music (or NPR) playing in our house. Usually, this was classical music of varying kinds, including opera, and even some Azerbaijani and Persian music from my dad. People always laugh when I tell them I skipped the 80's pop culture, and I didn't know anything other than classical music until I was 12 years old. I was always involved in choir, ballet-for a short time, and piano lessons. Even during the summer, I would hang out in my mom's office while she taught summer school, and the halls were filled with all sorts of arias and sonatas and musical virtuoso performances.

Of course, my musical tastes have varied over the years depending some on who is popular at the moment and new sounds and technologies that develop. Mostly, though, it depends on my mood at the particular time you catch me. My CD/iPod collection ranges from Vivaldi and Chopin to Norah Jones and Marc Broussard to Kelly Clarkson and Demi Lovato to Linkin Park and Eminem and beyond. I listen to all tempos, moods, keys, topics, and styles.

I slightly agree that some music, especially current commercial music, does incite passion, but I would argue that sometimes you need to incite a fire! As discussed previously, I over-think and I also sometimes struggle with depression, so if I need a pick me up, I tend to turn to Linkin Park, which is about as close to heavy metal as I get. They have a blend of rap and rock with melodic lines, but the emotion in the lyrics speak to some of the darker thoughts I have. If I feel more mellow, usually I will put in music resembling something closer to Jason Mraz or Jack Johnson, maybe. If I need empowerment, usually I put in some type of escapist female pop song. :) (I know, I know, but I sometimes need something that doesn't make me think.)

I enjoy instrumental music, but lyrics are where I connect with a piece. I have a verbal mind, and the words paint a better picture than any artist ever could. I have written a couple of songs(none that I will share, sorry), but I would not consider myself a songwriter. I am, however, able to make what I feel inside show through in the words. I am not good at explaining all the technical terms about what the music is doing at any particular point, and I have forgotten most of the theory classes, but all I know is that whatever I am feeling at any particular point, there is some song somewhere that conveys what I feel.

When I have a problem or a celebration, usually the first thing I run to is my music. Music in any form will always be a part of my life, and in much the same way that some guys are obsessed with sports, I am obsessed with music. I always want to sing, play, and listen to music for as much as possible. I am always humming, whistling, or singing something, either out loud or in my head, if the situation calls for it. No matter where I travel or where I end up, the trail of music I leave behind me will show my emotional footprint-disappointments, successes, heartbreaks, joys, and challenges. Just ask the last song I played, and you will know where my head is currently.

Prayer for tonight is actually one of the troparia from the Small Paraklesis service we have been singing for the last 2 weeks:

"Attacks of the passions disquiet me * My soul to repletion * hath been filled with despondency. * Bestill them, O Maiden, with the calmness * of thine own Son and thy God, O all-blameless One."

Ode to a dog

Continuing the trend for this week, I promise this will be the last "I feel sorry for myself" blog this week. :)

Whenever I face rejection, in any form, my mind immediately tries to figure out where MY failure lies. Whether it is a job interview, someone I am interested in, or related to friends; if there is a rejection, perceived or real, I see it as being something I did wrong instead of it being the other person's preference. I immediately begin thinking, "It must be because I am not pretty/nice/friendly/spiritual/fun/thin/musical/talented/smart/skillful/artistic/ good/etc. enough."

The best thing I can recommend for anyone who has not felt as though they have experienced love is to get a dog. Notice I did NOT say cat-not that cats are not good creatures, but they do not have the "I love all beings" that healthy, balanced dogs can have. My Labrador/spaniel mix, Basil, is the best teacher I could have ever gotten. Honestly, I got him because I thought he was going to be larger than he is. My favorite breed of dogs is Newfoundlands. We had several growing up, and they are just magnificent...couch potatoes! I went to the Murfreesboro pound "just to look," and they had this little black fluffy 10-week old puppy listed as a Newfie mix. Knowing how large they get(100+ lbs.), I didn't think anyone else was going to want him, so I agreed to myself that I would go back and if he was still there, I would adopt him. The other thing going in his favor, other than his beautiful brown eyes, which are very expressive, was that he was completely quiet and sitting still in a room full of kennels with barking dogs just looking at me. I was fooled by his quiet misdemeanor! I found out later he had worms, and after a couple of days on medication, he was back to his normal Lab self. For those of you that have never had Labs or sporting dogs, it just means he was always active 24 hours a day, especially if it involved his tennis ball! I think I am 2nd on his list of favorites. Side note: he very rarely barks unless someone he doesn't know is approaching the house, and he has only ever growled at 1 person, whom I didn't like, either. He didn't start calming down until he was 5 years old, and he is now 10 1/2 years old, but still romps around with his tennis ball or his stuffed animals. I look at his whitening muzzle and feel the cysts on his stomach, and sometimes I am sad, knowing that one of these days, I will wake up, and he won't be there. Even now, my eyes are watering and my heart grows heavy with the thought, knowing how much it's going to hurt, but it also encourages me to relish each moment with him. I may be running late for something(as I often am), but I will still take time to give him a hug and rub his belly for a few minutes.

Many people will argue that dogs can not feel emotions because they have no souls, reasoning, etc. I am not going to argue the science or religious beliefs about that. God told us to be caretakers of the earth at the very beginning. Animals are very capable of taking care of themselves without humans interfering. It is often when humans interfere that the ecological systems are affected and damaged. I will get off my environmental soapbox for now, but all I want to say is that I love Basil as much as am able to express love. One could argue that it is a "safe" love, but I would argue back that there is no such thing as a "safe" love. Any time you open your heart to love and be loved, you are risking some sort of pain. Yes, with Basil, it is easier and less risky, but he also has a shorter lifespan than most humans-unless you count in dog years. I believe that dogs are more than we give them credit for, although I have met some stupid dogs(ahem, chihuahuas). When you spend time with any kind of being: dog, horse, or human, you become in tune with their body language, nuances of speech, etc. I don't think the dog is reasoning that this is his human and so he loves him. Dogs are much better at understanding loyalty and pack importance than we are as humans. Sometimes, reasoning just gets in the way of love and harmony.

Back to Basil:

Sometimes, I will forget and leave bread on the counter, and I come home, and it has been graciously taken care of for me. I get irritated, but I also know that Basil will not connect the 2 moments in his mind, so it makes me remove myself and come back when I am calmer. Training dogs has helped alot with this. I am nowhere near perfect, mind you, but I have improved somewhat. Even if I do get upset(and he climbs in the bathtub in shame), once I relax my voice and call to him, he comes back out, and acts as if I am the silly one. This is the relationship I strive to believe I have with God. In many ways, Basil is my role model in dealing with humans: slow to anger, quick to forgive and forget.

But, no matter what I do or  or forget to do, Basil doesn't hold it against me. I am not lacking in anything in his mind. I am perfect as I am, and I am good enough as I am for him.

Prayer for today:

"Spotless, undefiled, incorruptible, most-chaste, pure Virgin, Bride of God, Lady, who unites God the Word to man by your wondrous conception, and who joins the fallen nature of our race to heavenly things; the only hope of the hopeless, and the help of the persecuted; the ready help of those who flee to you, and the refuge of all Christians: do not reject me the sinner, the accursed one, who have rendered myself altogether useless by my shameful thoughts, words, and deeds, and who through indolence have become a slave to the pleasures of this life. But as Mother of the God Who loves mankind, show your love for me the sinner and the prodigal, and receive from me the prayers offered to you by unhallowed lips.

"And, using your boldness as a Mother, entreat your Son, and our Lord and Master, to extend His goodness to me in His wondrous love for mankind, and, overlooking my
numberless transgressions, turn me to repentance, showing me to be a zealous doer of His commandments.

"And be ever near me as merciful, and compassionate, and gentle; in this present life an ardent protection and help, defending me from assaults of adversaries, and leading me to salvation; and in the hour of my departure, encompass my struggling soul, and drive the dark visions of evil spirits far from it; in the fearsome day of judgment, deliver me from eternal punishment, and present me as an inheritor of the ineffable glory of your Son and our God.

"May this be my lot, my Lady, most-holy Theotokos, through your mediation and help; by the grace and love for mankind of your only-begotten Son, the Lord and God, and our Savior Jesus Christ.

"To Whom belongs all glory, honor, and worship, with His eternal ! Father, and His All-Holy, and good, and life-creating Spirit. Amen."

--A long one but beautiful and appropriate during the Dormition fast. It is from the compline service. I first heard it at Holy Theotokos monastery in Ft. Myers, FL, and it spoke to where I was at that time(and still am).

Living on a reward system

Sunday's writing went a bit long, so I wrote a shorter one for today.

As a continuation of yesterday, I decided to discuss living a life based on deeds. I know that if one lives based on your ability to do something, it might work out for a while; but, eventually, he will run up against someone who is stronger, faster, better in some way. Then, what does this leave him with? Nothing, if that is all he has. So, clearly merit systems are not the best option. The same goes for trying to "buy" people. When the money dries up, so do the relationships based on wallet size. At one point, I did buy my friends dinners and gifts alot. I did it not only because I was trying to buy the friendship, but because I wanted to make sure that there was no indebtedness on my side. I do not enjoy being in the position of "owing" anyone anything. This makes me a GREAT houseguest but not a great friend. This also makes me seem superhuman. Not only can I do A, B, and C, but I can also do D through J! It does wear on you after awhile though, not to mention your wallet size dwindles. I do enjoy spending money on friends and experience because all I am going to do with it is spend it anyway. It might as well be on memories and good times with friends.

I don't think I have ever actually relaxed in my life. I have had periods where I have laid back on the grass or a hammock or remained physically still for a long time, but my mind never stops. The more comfortable I am with someone and the more trusting I am, the closer I get to relaxing, but I never quite completely let myself be. One of my friends repeatedly tells me that I need to stop thinking and just live in the moment, and I know I should, but I worry so much about juggling all the balls I have in the air regarding impressions and facades that I can never truly be myself.

Prayer for today: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

I know it's not an Orthodox prayer; yet, somehow, it is so appropriate for this post.

Earning love when Love is there

We all struggle to earn each other's love. Some admit it openly; others try to act as though they need no one and would never deign themselves to be attached to another human enough to feel shattered when they lose them. I think that I am somewhere in the middle of these two sides-sadly, more towards the closed-off heart side. I try to act as though I do not bother myself with others' opinions of me; however, while I am being honest, all I really search for in this world is some form of the love I did not experience as a child. I already know what you're thinking, and I am already ahead of you.

Christ offers His love freely-NO strings attached, NO earning anything, NO scale system in which I would be weighed and found wanting.

So, the question, then, is: WHY is this so difficult for me to grasp? I know part of my psyche still reverts back to the "You must be perfect and do everything properly, and, if you did anything less than perfect, then why wasn't it perfect?" impression of love I received from both my parents. They were both excellent professors. Their students loved them, and they always told me how lucky I was to have them as my parents(ironic-but I'll get into that at a later date), and I always felt like saying, "Would you want to trade places?"

So, when I approach God, and, even in some ways, the Theotokos, I come with the idea that everything must be wrapped up in this perfect little package-that God is this judge marking pros and cons of your life. I very much understand the God of the Old Testament. I can follow rules(theoretically), and say, I must do this and that. When I read the New Testament, I see myself in the Pharisees.

I do judge others often, but I think I really judge myself worse than anyone else I could think of. It is a reverse arrogance. Somehow, I am so beyond saving, that St. Mary of Egypt and even St. Paul could be saved, but Christ cannot reach me??

Someone asked me once which brother I thought I was in the parable of the prodigal son, and I arrogantly answered the elder. The truth is that I am still in the pigsty, with my eyes covered in mud from my sins and my unwillingness to believe in Christ's grace.

I think if God made Himself emotionally unavailable to me, I'm sure my subconscious would have me chasing after Him. I still worry that if I allow myself to open my heart to Him, someone is going to wake me up and say, "Ha ha! Gotcha!" I know, logically at least, that God is greater than any human being that has ever lived or will live, but when all you know is the absence of your parents, whether it be physical or emotional, it is hard to know that He will never let you down.

It has been quite a journey, spiritually-speaking, to the point where I logically understand that God loves me. I went through the motions for a long time. I admit I went to church mostly for the social aspect of it and because my family was going. I was chrismated Orthodox because my family did it. I do not regret the decision because it brought be to where I am, but I wish that I had done more research before I chose. When I went to college, I wavered for a bit when I began going to a reformed Presbyterian campus fellowship. I would say I was first convicted of my unbelief when I went to a retreat, and the speaker was speaking about adoption, and that when you adopt in the state of Tennessee, you cannot ever "return" your child, and we are all God's adopted children. I realized that I did not love God, nor did I believe that He loved me. How could he? I am not perfect, remember? He knows everything I have done. I also realized that I really wanted to. So, I began lots and lots(and lots) of praying. For a while, it was just actions; but, I felt like if I kept attempting, I would eventually get my brain wrapped around it. I was in several small groups and went to meetings. I also had a friend that introduced me to Barlow Girl. Yes, they are "cheesy" pop Christian music, but God used their album to speak to my heart. So, I had my first breakthrough, and I realized that I loved God. Not quite to the full capacity, but as much as I knew how. That was several years ago, maybe 8 or 9This past fall and winter, I was working on believing God's love for me. I began doing positive reinforcement statements. On Palm Sunday, it finally sunk in. I do believe God loves me. I am still working on believing it when the storms start tossing my little fishing boat, and I worry about sinking beneath the waves. On a good day, it is MUCH easier to believe.

This summer, I decided in order to be at the point where I can be in a healthy relationship, I need to allow myself to be more vulnerable to people. This is all well and good, but I do not think that will happen until I completely forgive and forget the mistakes of my childhood. About a month or so ago, I realized this was not going to go forward until I forgave my father for his abuse. So, I began chanting to myself, "I forgive my father." Then I realized that I still harbor anger toward my biological father for sending us over here and then calling my adopted parents to ask for money. So, I cannot argue that he wanted a better life-he just wanted to use us! Then, I realized that I still blame my Father for allowing it to happen. So, now I have not one but three fathers to process feelings over and forgive...

...which brings me back to the original point: Why is it that I choose to chase after someone who will tell me to my face that they could get up and leave relationships at any point without looking back when there is a parent, and, if you include all the saints, quite a "support system," who have nothing but love for me and support me through hard times, even though I forget every time some trial, no matter how minor, comes up? I know psychologists would argue that that is what I know, so I choose the familiar path because it is less scary and I know how to deal with it when it does come.

So, my prayer at this point will be: "God, please allow me to believe in Your love, so that by dwelling in Your love, I will be able to love others truly and fully, not with some facsimile or fake impression of it."