Living on a reward system

Sunday's writing went a bit long, so I wrote a shorter one for today.

As a continuation of yesterday, I decided to discuss living a life based on deeds. I know that if one lives based on your ability to do something, it might work out for a while; but, eventually, he will run up against someone who is stronger, faster, better in some way. Then, what does this leave him with? Nothing, if that is all he has. So, clearly merit systems are not the best option. The same goes for trying to "buy" people. When the money dries up, so do the relationships based on wallet size. At one point, I did buy my friends dinners and gifts alot. I did it not only because I was trying to buy the friendship, but because I wanted to make sure that there was no indebtedness on my side. I do not enjoy being in the position of "owing" anyone anything. This makes me a GREAT houseguest but not a great friend. This also makes me seem superhuman. Not only can I do A, B, and C, but I can also do D through J! It does wear on you after awhile though, not to mention your wallet size dwindles. I do enjoy spending money on friends and experience because all I am going to do with it is spend it anyway. It might as well be on memories and good times with friends.

I don't think I have ever actually relaxed in my life. I have had periods where I have laid back on the grass or a hammock or remained physically still for a long time, but my mind never stops. The more comfortable I am with someone and the more trusting I am, the closer I get to relaxing, but I never quite completely let myself be. One of my friends repeatedly tells me that I need to stop thinking and just live in the moment, and I know I should, but I worry so much about juggling all the balls I have in the air regarding impressions and facades that I can never truly be myself.

Prayer for today: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

I know it's not an Orthodox prayer; yet, somehow, it is so appropriate for this post.