No man is an island, but sometimes they do become a peninsula.

So, it's been a wild time since the last post. I got laid off from my job; and while I have been floating a bit the past few days, funnily enough, I am more upset over something else than the job situation. I think it's partly because I had been considering leaving anyway, and also because I know it wasn't anything I specifically had done. There were several other people that were cut as well.

I have been a little bit low over the past week, more because I am lonely than because of the job. By no means do I think I am anywhere near ready for marriage or a long-term relationship-I realize that. As fewer and fewer in my age group and circles of friends are single, I envy the couples their closeness. I know that I should be happy with my singleness and work on improving myself(which I am doing, I hope), but it does hurt to not even be provided the opportunity. I waiver between feeling like a worthy companion to someone (other than dogs, that is) and worrying that I will disappoint them somehow when they "get to know the real me." The problem with having lower self-esteem is that I second-guess and over-analyze everything. I know that I turn away from people and maintain a closed-off attitude. I am very selective about the people that I let in close, and I am not good at keeping up a small-talk facade. I would never make it in high society! I am blunt almost to the point of being tactless, especially with people I am closer with. I have always compared myself to a wild pony or mustang. This is not to say that I am crass or lack any kind of etiquette. It's just that it takes the right horse whisperer to understand me. Jeez, now I sound arrogant as though I am the only one who can never be understood.

The problem is I have so many defense mechanisms and walls in place that sometimes they happen automatically and without my consent. I have trouble reverting to the mental/emotional place I was when I met someone. I have progressed a long way in terms of the health of my inner self, but I can guarantee that if I went back to high school or socialized with the people I knew even in my early years of college, I would be the same person as if I had never changed. I can logically explain and visualize everything I "should" be doing in situations, but when it happens, all that flies out the window.

I guess the only thing I can do at this point is to try and try again. Sometimes, I just keep up my facade of everything being okay, and only show the struggle when I am alone. It does get very tiring trying to project the "right" image. I have to be Superwoman, right?

Song for today: Kelly Clarkson - "Dark Side"

There's a place that I know. / It's not pretty there and few have ever gone. / If I show it to you now / Will it make you run away?
Or will you stay? / Even if it hurts, / Even if I try to push you out,  / Will you return? / And remind me who I really am? / Please remind me who I really am.
Everybody's got a dark side. / Do you love me? / Can you love mine? / Nobody's a picture perfect, / But we're worth it. / You know that we're worth it. / Will you love me? / Even with my dark side?
Like a diamond / From black dust, / It's hard to know / It can become. / A few give up. / So don't give up on me. / Please remind me who I really am.
Everybody's got a dark side. / Do you love me? / Can you love mine? / Nobody's a picture perfect, / But we're worth it. / You know that we're worth it. / Will you love me? / Even with my dark side?
Don't run away. / Don't run away. / Just tell me that you will stay. / Promise me you will stay. / Don't run away. / Don't run away. / Just promise me you will stay. / Promise me you will stay.
Will you love me? ohh / Everybody's got a dark side. / Do you love me? / Can you love mine? / Nobody's a picture perfect, / But we're worth it / You know that we're worth it. / Will you love me? / Even with my dark side?