We all struggle to earn each other's love. Some admit it openly; others try to act as though they need no one and would never deign themselves to be attached to another human enough to feel shattered when they lose them. I think that I am somewhere in the middle of these two sides-sadly, more towards the closed-off heart side. I try to act as though I do not bother myself with others' opinions of me; however, while I am being honest, all I really search for in this world is some form of the love I did not experience as a child. I already know what you're thinking, and I am already ahead of you.
Christ offers His love freely-NO strings attached, NO earning anything, NO scale system in which I would be weighed and found wanting.
So, the question, then, is: WHY is this so difficult for me to grasp? I know part of my psyche still reverts back to the "You must be perfect and do everything properly, and, if you did anything less than perfect, then why wasn't it perfect?" impression of love I received from both my parents. They were both excellent professors. Their students loved them, and they always told me how lucky I was to have them as my parents(ironic-but I'll get into that at a later date), and I always felt like saying, "Would you want to trade places?"
So, when I approach God, and, even in some ways, the Theotokos, I come with the idea that everything must be wrapped up in this perfect little package-that God is this judge marking pros and cons of your life. I very much understand the God of the Old Testament. I can follow rules(theoretically), and say, I must do this and that. When I read the New Testament, I see myself in the Pharisees.
I do judge others often, but I think I really judge myself worse than anyone else I could think of. It is a reverse arrogance. Somehow, I am so beyond saving, that St. Mary of Egypt and even St. Paul could be saved, but Christ cannot reach me??
Someone asked me once which brother I thought I was in the parable of the prodigal son, and I arrogantly answered the elder. The truth is that I am still in the pigsty, with my eyes covered in mud from my sins and my unwillingness to believe in Christ's grace.
I think if God made Himself emotionally unavailable to me, I'm sure my subconscious would have me chasing after Him. I still worry that if I allow myself to open my heart to Him, someone is going to wake me up and say, "Ha ha! Gotcha!" I know, logically at least, that God is greater than any human being that has ever lived or will live, but when all you know is the absence of your parents, whether it be physical or emotional, it is hard to know that He will never let you down.
It has been quite a journey, spiritually-speaking, to the point where I logically understand that God loves me. I went through the motions for a long time. I admit I went to church mostly for the social aspect of it and because my family was going. I was chrismated Orthodox because my family did it. I do not regret the decision because it brought be to where I am, but I wish that I had done more research before I chose. When I went to college, I wavered for a bit when I began going to a reformed Presbyterian campus fellowship. I would say I was first convicted of my unbelief when I went to a retreat, and the speaker was speaking about adoption, and that when you adopt in the state of Tennessee, you cannot ever "return" your child, and we are all God's adopted children. I realized that I did not love God, nor did I believe that He loved me. How could he? I am not perfect, remember? He knows everything I have done. I also realized that I really wanted to. So, I began lots and lots(and lots) of praying. For a while, it was just actions; but, I felt like if I kept attempting, I would eventually get my brain wrapped around it. I was in several small groups and went to meetings. I also had a friend that introduced me to Barlow Girl. Yes, they are "cheesy" pop Christian music, but God used their album to speak to my heart. So, I had my first breakthrough, and I realized that I loved God. Not quite to the full capacity, but as much as I knew how. That was several years ago, maybe 8 or 9This past fall and winter, I was working on believing God's love for me. I began doing positive reinforcement statements. On Palm Sunday, it finally sunk in. I do believe God loves me. I am still working on believing it when the storms start tossing my little fishing boat, and I worry about sinking beneath the waves. On a good day, it is MUCH easier to believe.
This summer, I decided in order to be at the point where I can be in a healthy relationship, I need to allow myself to be more vulnerable to people. This is all well and good, but I do not think that will happen until I completely forgive and forget the mistakes of my childhood. About a month or so ago, I realized this was not going to go forward until I forgave my father for his abuse. So, I began chanting to myself, "I forgive my father." Then I realized that I still harbor anger toward my biological father for sending us over here and then calling my adopted parents to ask for money. So, I cannot argue that he wanted a better life-he just wanted to use us! Then, I realized that I still blame my Father for allowing it to happen. So, now I have not one but three fathers to process feelings over and forgive...
...which brings me back to the original point: Why is it that I choose to chase after someone who will tell me to my face that they could get up and leave relationships at any point without looking back when there is a parent, and, if you include all the saints, quite a "support system," who have nothing but love for me and support me through hard times, even though I forget every time some trial, no matter how minor, comes up? I know psychologists would argue that that is what I know, so I choose the familiar path because it is less scary and I know how to deal with it when it does come.
So, my prayer at this point will be: "God, please allow me to believe in Your love, so that by dwelling in Your love, I will be able to love others truly and fully, not with some facsimile or fake impression of it."
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