Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

I have written this post in my head several different ways, and there's really no way to make this a casual, breezy topic.

I have been absent from the computer for the past week. I visited St. Nicholas Monastery in North Ft. Myers, FL, for a week. I had been wanting to go for awhile, but with my work schedule and training new hires, I couldn't get the time off. Of course, with the lay-off, I have more than enough time now! It showed me how attached I am to the things of this world and how I am not strong enough to be a monastic. I think sometimes the Devil uses the good things in our life as a way of keeping us from God. It is easier to push away the "bad" things than to see that you are so attached to the good things that they have become idols. This includes relationships, property, pets, careers, etc. It is easy to get comfortable and to think you are doing so well that you do not need God. Then, of course, God has to come along and remind you how weak you are and how you DO NOT have it all together, no matter what all the people and accolades around might claim. :)

The second, and harder, part of this story is that when I got back from the monastery Wednesday evening, my sister, who I have been struggling with recently, had not yet moved, even though she was supposed to be gone by this time. In her spitefulness, she had also taken anything she had ever given me, including bedroom furniture, knick-knacks, etc. This frustrated me, only because I felt I had tried to be understanding and compassionate and recognize the fact that she was struggling with money; however, she had not paid any kind of money in the past 4 months, rent or utilities, and had been in fact using my things until I said something about it. So, when we got into an argument last month, I had reached my breaking point. I had wanted to say something for a couple of weeks, and it did not come out the best way possible; but, when I cooled off, I reiterated that I was sorry but I could not live with her any more. For the past month, I was over the fight I had, but she stayed icy towards me, and she would not allow even her daughter to speak to me and would pull her away if she interacted with me. I had also texted a couple of times, and so I assumed everything was fine. She was going to move out, and that would be that.

So, I went into the refrigerator to get some water and a bit to eat since I just got done with a 11 hour drive. I noticed some vegetables that I had left had gone bad, so I threw those out. I moved her things because the refrigerator was dirty and needed to be cleaned. She came out of her room, and told me to stop touching her stuff. I have no excuse for continuing to fight with her, and I completely accept my blame for that. I took some of her things and began throwing them into the trash. She grabbed some jars and slammed them down on the counter, causing them to break. We started yelling, and I kept telling her to get out of my house. I said she had until 12:01 to leave, and then I was going to put her stuff out on the lawn. She said she would be out Thursday afternoon. I told her I had already given her 30 days, and she was supposed to be gone. She, knowing the law much better than I do, told me I couldn't touch her stuff, and I had no right to kick her out because she had established residency(This is, sadly, true.) I said again whatever was in the house at midnight would be outside, and I didn't care what happened to it. She said if I did that then she was going to burn down my house. I said she would be arrested for arson. She said how would I know. I said she had just threatened me, and she came back with, "Where's your proof? Where's your recorder?" Of course, there were several personal attacks back and forth, which I shall spare you the details, but mostly how she wasn't the only person that thought I was crazy, I was going to burn in hell, etc. I yelled insults at her as well, which I am not proud of. We started getting physical, and wrestled for a bit. The exact order is fuzzy, but somehow we ended up in the kitchen, and she looked around and grabbed a serrated knife out of my kitchen block. She waved it at me, and started making jabs in my direction. I kept telling her, "Do it." (For those of you not aware, she pulled a knife on me 13 years ago in my mother's house as well.) I will admit I wasn't sure at this point if she would or not, and I got a bit nervous. I attempted to pull the knife out of her hands, and, I guess in the struggle, she got some cuts on her, although I haven't seen them personally. She went out to her car, and I thought that was the end of it, and she was going to storm off to someone else's house for the night. I began cleaning up the mess in the kitchen, and then a knock on my door. She had called the police, and told them I had broken her glass jars and thrown the pieces at her, and then I had pulled a knife on her. They listened to both people. Unfortunately, the only cut I had on me was on my nose where she had hit me in the face, and she supposedly had cuts all over her. The other thing not in my favor is that I have a horrible memory; even though it had just happened, I had trouble remembering what happened and when. So, someone had to go to jail, and she is good at playing the wounded victim(literally and figuratively) and manipulating people to believe what she wants them to believe. I was handcuffed and taken to the downtown holding facility. They charged me with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon(which is a felony), and she also slapped an order of protection against me, which is temporary at this point, but means that I cannot have any type of contact with her whatsoever, and that as long as her stuff is there, it is a "shared residence" and I cannot go into my own home. She lied about what happened in the petition itself, and also stated that I have a history of abuse(?) and that I am a physically violent person(again, ?!?!).

My mother bailed me out the next morning before I went to the prison itself, so I spent a total of about 15 hours in lockup with only about 30 minutes of poor-quality sleep, and my priest and his wife picked me up and took me to get some stuff from my house, which I had to have a police escort as a witness. My friend, Michelle, has been wonderful and is letting me stay at her house for the weekend. I have not been back to my house yet, just in case she still has her things there and I am accused of violating the order.

So, at this point, it is a waiting game. I looked online, and there is a possibility that, if convicted, I could be facing 3-15 years in prison, which is very scary. Not just because of the fact that it will affect any job applications in the future, but also any attempts to adopt children, possibly marriage possibilities, and also just because I am scared, and I don't need a reason to be. Sometimes, I'm not as strong as I seem.

I am sorry for all the people having to be dragged into the middle of this. I have had to ask my mother to be a witness against one of her daughters, I may have to ask friends to provide character statements, and I feel like all I talk about right now are the problems I am having, which is depressing conversation, so I am not very good company right now. I can cry at the drop of a hat, and I'm really just waiting for the 3rd problem to pop up.

I know God doesn't give you more than you can handle, and I admit that I am a strong person, but sometimes even strong people need to have someone be strong for them. I know I will get through this, but I am sorry for the ending that it has to be. I am severing my ties with my sister. I understand being there for your family and that supposedly they are there for you when others would not be; however, I cannot say that I would attribute this quality to my sister. If we were not sisters, we would not be friends. Right now, I feel that I have (again) been taken advantage of. I enabled her, I know, but I suppose in some way, I thought if I helped her out this one last time, it would be fine. My mother thought I might change my mind and I would surely want to invite her to my wedding. I do not feel that would be appropriate in this case. If, and when, the time comes that she matures and becomes a more responsible and stable person, then I will associate with her. I will still not have a relationship with her, and if I did invite her to any wedding I have, then it would only be out of obligation, and not out of any desire to have her celebrate with me. This is a toxic relationship, and, if it were a romantic one, I would call it an abusive one, and I would wonder why the spouse being abused did not wake up to the reality and leave. So that is what I am doing.

I pray that she finds happiness somewhere along the way, because clearly, she does not feel that her life is all that great. She brings up the fact that my life does not seem that difficult. Maybe it's not(it's not), but it is MY life, and I have made MY choices, and I am dealing with MY consequences and situation as it is. If she does not like the choices she has made in her life, then that is her problem, but I cannot make my life more miserable because she wants to be pitied. I am not good at pitying people that have brought their situation on themselves--even with myself. If something bad happens, I do not wallow. I brush myself off, and then decide my next course of action. Most of the time this is good, but, in the extreme, I do not allow myself to deal with the situation as it is, either. I won't say that I am completely happy with myself and my life, due to my perfectionistic tendencies :), but that is my problem, and not something I blame others for(except for the abuse, which I am working on).

So, you see why I needed hugs on Thursday. :)

As an attempt to bring some lightness to this post, I have included an appropriate song from everyone's favorite blonde, curly-haired superstar:

I Remember when we broke up the first timeSeeing this is, and had enough, it's likeWe haven't seen each other in a monthWhen you, said you, needed space, what?When you come around again and sayBaby, I miss you and I swear I'm gonna changeTrust me, remember how that lasted for a dayI say, I hate you, we break up, you call me, I love you
Oooh we called it off again last nightBut Oooh, this time I'm telling you, I'm telling youWe are never ever ever ever getting back togetherWe are never ever ever ever getting back togetherYou go talk to your friends talkAnd my friends talk to meBut we are never ever ever ever getting back together
Like ever...
I'm really gonna miss you picking fightsAnd me, falling for a screaming that I'm rightAnd you, will hide away and find your piece of mine with some indie record that's much cooler than mine
Oooh you called me up again tonightBut Oooh, this time I'm telling you, I'm telling youWe are never ever ever ever getting back togetherWe are never ever ever ever getting back togetherYou go talk to your friends talkAnd my friends talk to meBut we are never ever ever ever getting back together
I used to think, that we, were forever ever everAnd I used to say never say neverHuh, he calls me up and he's like, I still love youAnd i'm like, I mean, I mean this is exhausting, you knowWe are never getting back together, like ever
We are never ever ever ever getting back togetherWe are never ever ever ever getting back togetherYou go talk to your friends talkAnd my friends talk to meBut we are never ever ever ever getting back together
Not getting back together, weOh, getting back together
You go talk to your friends talkAnd my friends talk to meBut we are never ever ever ever getting back together

[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/we-are-never-ever-getting-back-together-lyrics-taylor-swift.html ]