It's Our Palm Sunday!

The Orthodox church heads into our Holy Week for Pascha starting this evening. Every year, I forget to expect the devil's extra attempts to deter and distract me. Things that any other time of year wouldn't even phase me seem to sucker punch me and cause spiritual weariness. Sometimes, I wonder why I don't just lay down and admit defeat, but then I remember the answer, and it is simple: Unconditional love.

I admit I draw much of my strength from knowing that I have someone who knows me down to the smallest minutiae and does not care. He wants the best for me, hates when I fall, and encourages me in growth. The more I share, the more comfortable and secure I feel to share and to be myself. This is not to say I don't have emotional reactions or get upset when things aren't just so. I would love to be able to say I am emotionally mature enough that I somehow hover above any negative impact of others' criticisms and condescension, but the lie detector determined that was a lie.

Every Lent, I choose one weakness to work on, and this year, I realized I still have residual hurt and abandonment from losing various friends.  I've noticed, and I've internalized it and criticized and criticized myself until there's nothing left. As humans, myself included, we don't want to be friends with people who are difficult. We want to be near the popular people, the pretty people, the charismatic people who make us feel good about ourselves. Uncomfortable emotions or situations that are outside of our comfort zone make us feel, well, uncomfortable, and I know very few people who intentionally seek out that discomfort or view it as an opportunity to grow. I am an uncomfortable friend. I recognize that, but it doesn't negate the feelings of rejection.

However, when I have someone in my corner who loves me when I am at my very worst or absent from the relationship and doesn't hold those slights against me, no matter what I infer from friends' behavior and perceived rejection, it makes it easier to remind myself I am going through a stage or dealing with hormones and keep things in perspective. Some would argue it is a mere catharsis because I don't want to deal with life, but I would argue it is merely a deep well from which to draw energy and compassion.

If my so-called friend discarded me when I made a stupid mistake and ended up with an unplanned child, I still have a full love I cannot even comprehend, let alone replicate. When another so-called friend gradually ghosts me and doesn't even know what's happening in my life these days, Facebook-wise or not, it reminds me I have not been as intentional or forward in pursuing the friendship, either, but I can never lose the support of my unconditional love.

I try to remember my own feelings of self-criticism when I address others or offer advice. I know how it feels to be criticized, whether by others or by my own self-perceptions, and I would hate to cause anyone else that same pain, though I know I have. It's easier to be kind to nice people and even strangers. I do not bless when I am cursed, and I struggle to pray for those I perceive to have mistreated me. Having unconditional love from God does not mean he enables me. He provides standards and provides the necessary tools to reach those levels. He rejoices when I improve and weeps when I hurt him by hurting others.

If that weren't enough, I  also have the love and support of the Theotokos, His Mother. She is the epitome of motherly love and obedience. In our hymns from this past week, we cried:

"Spotless Virgin, undefiled, Mother of God, ever-virgin, O all-holy Lady pure, Theotokos, how can I worthily extol you, the pure dwelling place of our God and Savior? For in soul and mind, I am defiled. How can I tell about all the great and wonderful benefits, the grace and mercy and the love that you never cease to pour on to me? Even so, with trembling, I reverently approach and shout, Rejoice, you who console the believers all who faithfully pray to you."

May similar hymns are written to her. Most often, they are addressing her as the Mother of mankind, an intercessor, and someone who is an aid in distress. I have had some days when even God did not feel near so I turned to her. Between the firm support of God's love and her compassion, I feel able to withstand even the worst days. I can't put into words how much she has meant to me.

No human can fill in for this great position, and it's unfair to expect anyone to do so. Part of grace is understanding that each person will fail you at some point in his or her life, and later people are not to be blamed for the previous transgressions. The kindest and holiest person is a mere reflection of the capacity of God's love, and I fall miserably short from even that, but I will keep trying until I die.

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Hymn from Bridegroom Services during Holy Week

Behold the Bridegroom cometh in the midst of the night, and blessed is the servant whom He shall find watching; and again unworthy is he whom He shall find heedless. Beware, therefore O my soul, lest thou be borne down with sleep, lest thou be given up to death, and lest thou be shut out from the Kingdom. Wherefore rouse thyself and cry: Holy, Holy, Holy art Thou, our God, Through the protection of the Heavenly Hosts save us.

How Do We Survive Adversity?

What is the Orthodox response to adversity?
Written by Hieromonk David (Pierce) and Mother Andrea (Nicholas)

     Adversity is a fact of life. Everyone, at one point or another, is faced with some type of illness, financial loss, foreclosure, family situation, or some other challenge. Adversity is also relevant to the individual and to some, receiving a poor grade in school or not winning a tennis match can be enough to upset one's apple cart. But the Orthodox Christian has mechanisms whereby we can cope in times of distress.
     First, we should always keep before us the knowledge of God's providence. You really can sit back and let God drive the car because, as our holy Father, Saint Philaret of Moscowinstructs us, providence calls man to the Lord's paths, and you are at peace. If one does not have a strong faith and does not believe in God's providence, then despair would consume the person in times of adversity. Nothing is spinning out of control. God is allowing even the least thing and is using it to the benefit of our salvation and to our experience of happiness with Him.
     In the case of life-threatening or catastrophic illnesses, our holy father Saint Isaac of Syria tells us that we must realize that God brings sickness for our advantage, for the soul's good health, and that people who discover the purpose of this are blessed. It is at these times that the Orthodox Christian mind should the pitfall of thinking, "Why me?" Understanding God's providence, the mind must be refocused to ask, "Okay, what does God want me to do now?" Suffering is more endurable when the individual concentrates on how to use that suffering to the benefit of the soul, rather than trying to understand why it happens.
     We are told in the Gospel of Mattew (18:3) that we are to come to God as little children. If a little boy wants to run out onto a busy highway, his mother will grab him and yank him back, maybe even give him a little spank. As a child, he understands this message as "Mom is a meanie." We are God's children and yet we do not understand that God allows certain things to happen so that we will learn from them. This doesn't mean people can't ask God for healing -- maybe that's what God wants, is for us to ask of his mercy. When you realize something is life-threatening and you have no control, then you really must trust God -- a trust which should be occurring all along.
     In the Gospels, we are told to "Ask and you shall receive." The Greek verb for this appears in the imperative tense, which indicates you are asking [to do something] more than once, continually or repeatedly. This tells us that we are to actually "keep asking" and we shall "keep receiving". It is not a static verb.
     If we find that our prayers are not answered by God, there are generally four reasons this may occur: 1) our request is not timely--for example, a young child cannot pray to be married "right now"; 2) our request is not the correct thing to happen for us; 3) our prayer is made in pride or by it being answered, it will lead to our pride; or 4) we don't pray before we enter into the situation--for example, someone loses their job, but this person, when they had been comfortable in their job, had never thanked God for his blessings and had never prayed for his mercy.
     Orthodoxy is not a "self-help" religion. While we do trust in God's mercy and we do have the help of the saints, ultimately, the purpose of our faith is theosis, which is to unite ourselves to God. Many of the saints had very difficult lives, but in a spiritual sense, it was exactly their trials and tribulations and their response to these afflictions that made their lives blessed. One must work at faith just as we work at anything. Sometimes, we may find that an affliction is what God wants us to go through. Always, there is a reason behind our suffering and it is through prayer, participation in the holy Mysteries of Repentance and Communion, and openness with our spiritual father that we can discern the purpose of our suffering.
     It is important for believers to partake of the "preventive medicine" given to us by the Church. Almost every Orthodox Christian knows to have their car blessed periodically. But some people think it is so that they won't get into an accident. In actuality, the priest blesses the car so that if one does happen to get into a wreck, they will have the grace of God necessary to deal with this adversity.
     Our Faith gives us many, many tools to deal with adversity. We have the holy icons, relics, oil from vigil lamps that are burning before these icons and before the relics, the holy Mystery of Unction, of Repentance and Holy Communion, we have holy water. All of these things are given to Orthodox Christians for their use and in times of affliction, we would immediately turn to the Church for help. These tools are a means that people have been given and it is foolish not to make use of it.
     The "prescriptions" of how to use these tools are best given by the clergy. As an example of how one would use the tools of our Faith would be: if one is taking a chemotherapy pill at home, leave the pill beneath the icon of Saint Panteleimon all day, then before taking the pill at night, read the Gospel of Saint Mark, with special attention to 16:18, "They shall take up serpents; and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them..." In the case of cancer, anoint yourself with holy oils from a lamp burning before an icon of Saint Panteleimon, or of the Pantanassa icon of the Mother of God, or of Saint Nektarios of Aegina. These oils are not hard to find, one must only ask their priest or the monastics for assistance.
     Often suffering is not physical but mental in the form of anguish and unknowing. We all know we are going to die but we always believe there will be tomorrow. When a catastrophic illness happens, it is like cold water in your face. It reminds us that we can make all sorts of plans, but our life is in God's hands. Look at the World Trade Center --the people going to work there on that fateful day had no idea that they would not be going to work the next day. Again, we must trust in God's providence and be as little humble children before Him.
     God truly does not call us to do anything without giving us the grace with which to do this. People may say, "Oh, I could never do that", but when they are called to go through with it, they are able to endure and God fortifies them, just as the martyrs of all the ages have been given strength. Remember, God's "...strength is made perfect in weakness"(2 Cor 12:9).
     How well the individual copes with suffering boils down to their perspective. In modern secular society, people want to die in their sleep. But in the Orthodox Church's teaching, you want to be prepared. If it is a terminal illness, you are blessed because you have been given the gift of foreknowing. By God's mercy, you have time for repentance; time to get your affairs in order; time to make amends with anyone you may have offended; time to do these things that you always intended to do but never got around to doing.
     Another contemporary trial many are facing now is job loss. Let me expound first on the situation of those Orthodox Christians who have been able to keep their jobs. It is scandalous for all of us that any of our brothers and sisters in this country would ever be in the situation of a total loss of a support network because of job loss. People outside of Orthodoxy are trying to live the Gospel better than we are and have services within their denominational communities to help people in need. But some Orthodox churches have a hard time taking care of their own. In this economy [NOTE: this was written in 2013], many of our brothers and sisters in Christ are starving, losing their cars, their homes, and everything is falling apart around them. Orthodox people should give from the abundance of their hearts in these times, remembering that "...the Lord blessed the latter end of Job more than his beginning..."(Job 42:12). When we are able to help and just give a dollar or two, we have a lot to answer for, again having been given the answer in the Gospel of what we are to do: "...I was [hungry] and ye gave me meat; I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink; I was a stranger and ye took me in; naked, and ye clothed me; I was sick, and ye visited me; I was in prison, and ye came unto me"(Mat 25:35-36).
     As for the person who is enduring the job loss, trust in God is so necessary. He Who clothes the fields with lilies finer than Solomon's raiment(Mat 6:28-29) and who care for the birds of the air(Mat 6:26) certainly is not going to let us starve. Above everything, turn to Holy Communion for strength -- it will fortify you. Rather than falling into despair, focus that energy on more prayer: prayer to Saint Xenia, patron of the jobless; prayer to our Guardian Angel; prayer to our patron saint or Slava.
     We really cannot understand adversity and should not try to understand. God allows suffering to happen as a way of showing his great love for us. When I call to mind the Great Canon of Saint Andrew of Crete, Ode 4 speaks perfectly of most of us:

"The opulent and righteous man, arrayed in royal dignity, crown and purple, abounding in wealth and cattle, was suddenly shorn of his riches, glory, and kingdom and became a beggar. If he who was righteous and blameless beyond all did not escape the snares and nets of the deceiver, what will you do, my soul, who are sin-loving and wretched, if something unexpected happens to you? ...Boastful I am, and hard-hearted, all in vain and for nothing ... accept me in penitence and recall me to awareness of Thee... I am become my own idol, and have injured my soul with passions... Have mercey on me, O God, have mercy on me."

     Everything that is allowed to happen to us happens for our salvation. These are tools given to us for our salvation. Just think, before the suffering, people only have a little rusty toolbox with a few tools in it -- but afterwards, they have big velvet boxes filled with brand-new tools!
     In short, our prayers should be that God's will be done.

The Crux

My work team completed a core values exercise based on Brené Brown's Dare to Lead(Group word cloud above). I circled anything that resonated with me and then narrowed it down to my top 5. I didn't discover anything surprising, but I'm abnormally introspective, which manifests in being self-aware. I may or may not have overanalyzed more than what was expected. 😏 I've expanded and expounded slightly from that assignment.

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Growing up in an environment that emphasized status and accomplishments, words were sometimes just that. Was it considered life-changing or better than what they’d already done? If not, then they did not feel impressed. It made me determined to make sure that people feel valued merely because they are a human being—not because of a title or achievements. In no way does this mean I am a fan of participation awards or coddling people. In addition, I am very intentional with what I promise someone. I’ve had clients and customers who initially were upset I wouldn’t make them a promise that I wasn’t sure I could deliver. I’m a big fan of under-promise and overdeliver as more than just business jargon.

Integrity was the first word that came to mind even before I looked at the options. I consider it vital because the principle drives me when no one else is around and determines my treatment of others when I have no benefit. In addition, integrity is a factor in feeling safe because I can trust the person to be authentic and work towards the benefit of the team. My word is my bond, and when I feel pressured, while ethics can be swayed, integrity is a quality that is internal and a personal choice.

Faith in God is not a requirement to have integrity, but having faith makes it easier in some ways. All the world's great religions praise integrity as a principle spiritual value. I have a grounding pole when things are turbulent and that reminds me why I still have faith in God and humanity when humanity has disappointed me. Integrity is paramount to God and it is impressed upon throughout the Bible from Psalms and Proverbs all the way through to Revelations.

My lifelong goal remains to make sure people never feel shame for who they are and that they feel an appreciated member of the group. Inclusion and compassion are the biggest drivers of this goal. I never want people to feel worse about themselves after they interact with me. Understanding that people have different struggles they are facing or have surmounted sets up an environment of acceptance and safety. Compassion also does not necessarily mean accommodations or a “bah, humbug” mentality, but rather, it’s more aligned with grace and empathy.

In geology, inclusion means that, although the particle is embedded, it is still distinct from the surrounding area. If someone feels safe, he feels freer to express himself and take risks because he feels like part of a family that will accept him for his true self. It does NOT mean he loses his identity to the group. In reality, I hesitate to go somewhere I don't feel completely sure that I'm wanted. It's difficult as a socializer to have that kind of handicap. I struggle inviting people to my house because, well, if you'd seen my house, you'd understand. It's easier to be kinder to others than myself. (Side note: I am accepting any and all social invites that don't collide with any other commitments.)

Contentment is significant because it requires an internal dialogue of gratitude and positivity. This state of being doesn’t mean I am settling with my career or life situation but that I focus on being satisfied with happiness as an outlook and not as a goal to achieve someday or think “I will be happy when I___”.

Humor is the cherry on top of the ice cream sundae. Humor looks at things in a different light. It means bringing joy to things that can sometimes be uncomfortable and sets others at ease. It is both a way of coping and a form of entertainment.

I spend much of my time volunteering at church and in my community. I would like to spend this next year with even more time spent with hands-on volunteering because it keeps me grounded, makes a difference, and allows me to help others as I can. I could be better at practicing gratitude with what I have, although this time of year helps remind me.

I enjoy engaging people online in debates and sometimes controversial discussions. It provides a good training ground for not jumping to conclusions, asking clarifying questions, and making sure to walk away if I feel tempted to provide an emotional response in the heat of the moment. Despite the successes, I still struggle to remain positive, especially on topics where it can be challenging to find the silver lining.

I intentionally surround myself with people that have similar goals. My boyfriend’s character is very much like mine. We see eye-to-eye on many things, and part of the reason I love him is that we share the integrity, compassion, and humor values. When I have friends that cause friction, I am polite but firm in my response. Some people consider me meek, but that's generally just until I get more comfortable with them or I'm in my comfort zone. At that point, there are other words I've been called.

I have friends across spectrums in many different regards because I find value in different parts of their characteristics. My weakest point would still be my family just because we have so much history and because of the dynamic of the relationships, but I think they still support my values overall, although the methods might be called into question.

I have also become more comfortable in staying firm in the mounting pressure of mainstream society’s expectations regarding what defines success vs. what I consider important. I attribute part of this to more global interactions and exposure to a widening variety of people. I evaluate companies as viable workplaces based on the employee culture and whether they legitimately invest in their employees and treat them like a healthy family.

All my values are internal because the inward drive the outward. If you feel content, you have security. If you are inclusive and compassionate, you exude generosity. If you have humor, you endue fun and optimism.  If you have integrity, you act with ethics, you embrace teamwork, and you strive for excellence to deliver results. Everybody wins.

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Most People Are Good

I believe kids oughta stay kids as long as they can
Turn off the screen, go climb a tree, get dirt on their hands
I believe we gotta forgive and make amends
'Cause nobody gets a second chance to make new old friends
I believe in working hard for what you've got
Even if it don't add up to a hell of a lot

I believe most people are good
And most mamas oughta qualify for sainthood
I believe most Friday nights look better under neon or stadium lights
I believe you love who you love
Ain't nothing you should ever be ashamed of
I believe this world ain't half as bad as it looks
I believe most people are good

I believe them streets of gold are worth the work
But I still wanna go even if they were paved in dirt
I believe that youth is spent well on the young
'Cause wisdom in your teens would be a lot less fun
I believe if you just go by the nightly news
Your faith in all mankind would be the first thing you lose

I believe most people are good
And most mamas oughta qualify for sainthood
I believe most Friday nights look better under neon or stadium lights
I believe you love who you love
Ain't nothing you should ever be ashamed of
I believe this world ain't half as bad as it looks
I believe most people are good

I believe that days go slow and years go fast
And every breath's a gift, the first one to the last

I believe most people are good
And most mamas oughta qualify for sainthood
I believe most Friday nights look better under neon or stadium lights
I believe you love who you love
Ain't nothing you should ever be ashamed of
I believe this world ain't half as bad as it looks
I believe most people are good

I believe most people are good
I believe most people are good

Heartless Expectations

What connects us?

The small introverted part of me loves the safety of online communication, and I spend hours in debates and commenting on posts and learning about different topics and people; however, although I'm not exceptionally skilled at it, my favorite medium is face-to-face interactions. Even FaceTime and Skype cannot replicate the energy between two people, whether disagreeing or not. I make many of my decisions about people based on my gut reactions to them in person. Despite what some people will tell you, it is very easy for me to make snap judgments and conclusions, especially online.

Emotions rise easily, and when you don't see the other person's face, you don't get a sense of the natural interplay of in-person interactions. You don't see the tear that runs down someone's face when you make a callous remark, you don't recognize the internal thoughts going through his head when you insult him, and you don't understand her emotions when you debate a topic as basic as the best flavor of cheesecake(key lime). You don't see the consequences of your word choice.

In an age when you can contact the majority of the developed world 24 hours a day, are we really any more connected than before? What determines connection? Nationalism? Human experience? Social standing? Education? Humanity? What do we do when we are connected but don't feel a connection?

We often talk about the human experience being universal. Does that mean if I have not been through your specific experience, I cannot understand? Of course not. I may not be able to understand the particulars, but at a basic level, I can understand the emotions of anger, love, worry, happiness, etc. Does this mean I have more in common with someone halfway across the world than with someone down the street from me? Maybe yes, maybe no.

Even within my own demographic, I am a member of multiple Venn diagrams. How specific and how intricate do we create the parameters that determine connection? If some recent news and posts are to be believed, I should side with my gender over all other statuses; for others, I should choose my religion over all else. Or should it be based on something different altogether?

Between a child and an adult, the same event will provide you with 2 varying eyewitness accounts. For a man and a women, a simple walk down the street elicits different emotional and physical responses. Race has been a highlighted attribute as of late. How I am treated by police and retail shops is not the same as someone with darker skin.

So, how do we find a connection when we are all various mixtures of personalities, thoughts, and experiences? Why is it so challenging to accept that someone else's feelings are valid and should be acknowledged before being addressed? Why are we so quick to assume that someone is acting selfishly? Our thoughts are colored by our life experience and worldview and assumed impression of the other person, whether accurate or false.

Much of it comes down to intention. If I believe that you are attacking me or not acting in my best interest, my interpretation will be far different than if I think you are coming from a place of love.  If you make a comment about something personal to me, my blood pressure will rise and my fingers will start typing 85 WPM to make sure you hear my reaction to your perceived slight. If I instead challenge myself to ask more questions or if I consider you to be ignorant and unaware, my tone will be much different. There's always talk about mindset in the therapy/self-improvement world. Positive vs. negative thoughts, growth vs. fixed mindsets, etc., and it's all valid discussion.

In the Orthodox Church, when we struggle in forgiving someone, we are advised to pray for that person. It's not for the other person, although we do wish them blessings. At first, I don't mean it. In fact, I act more like a two-year-old toddler in a sulk. I don't like them; why should I want the best for them? It clearly shows that prayer is not for God; it's for us.

When you have faith in the larger picture, it's easier to ride out the short-term stresses. Notice I didn't say they were gone. It confuses me some people think that when you become Christian or have a deeper faith, things become instantaneously easier. In no way have I achieved any kind of theosis or inner peace. I struggle periodically with depression, daily with feelings of inadequacy, and always with selfishness and pride. Thank God there's such a thing as grace. Connection to God is paramount in times when people let you down, when they attack you, and when they act (dare I say?) HUMAN. It keeps me grounded on days when all else fails and reminds me to think outside my egocentric assumptions and consider different viewpoints and try to see someone's heart.
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Human

I can hold my breath
I can bite my tongue
I can stay awake for days
If that's what you want
Be your number one
I can fake a smile
I can force a laugh
I can dance and play the part
If that's what you ask
Give you all I am

I can do it
I can do it
I can do it

But I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
Cause I'm only human

I can turn it on
Be a good machine
I can hold the weight of worlds
If that's what you need
Be your everything

I can do it
I can do it
I'll get through it

But I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
Cause I'm only human

I'm only human
I'm only human
Just a little human

I can take so much
'Til I've had enough

Cause I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
Cause I'm only human

Allegations

The past few weeks have been rough. I know people talk about triggers so often these days, it's become a joke. On the surface, I haven't had any side effects from all the assault and rape cases covered in the media in such detail. I'm not having flashbacks, and I'm still able to function on a daily basis.

Below the surface is a different story: I've fallen into a mild depression, I am experiencing anxiety, and I am having trouble processing the emotions and thoughts that have manifested. While my abuse hasn't had as large an impact on my romantic relationship as I thought, I assumed I had dealt with it much better than it appears I have. Issues with child abuse and sexual crimes are still sensitive areas and can bring up emotional reactions, even in otherwise calm discussions with my boyfriend.

I'm glad my abuser is dead.

If he were alive today, where would I be? Would I have to decide if I wanted to prosecute him? Would I still be in denial about what happened?  Would I be emotionally stunted? Would I have to sit in a courtroom as every decision I made was torn apart and intent decided? Would my memories be questioned? Would I be attacked for daring to suggest that someone with a shiny public reputation could behave in such a way? Would people insinuate that I was complicit in my own abuse despite being a child when it began? Would I be weighed and found wanting?

I'm glad my abuser is dead.

Maybe that makes me a coward. I don't have to go through any public ridicule and judgment, but I also don't get to ask the question most assault survivors want to know: "WHY?" I don't get closure and satisfaction of justice.

As I watch Dr. Ford share her account of the event she partially remembers, I admire her strength and composure, even at the personal cost of such a decision. Being in such a public forum exacerbates any pressure and anxiety a thousandfold, even from the already heightened environment of a private courtroom. Reading the comments from the tens of thousands of strangers that have opinions on experiences they were not part of has been frustrating and deplorable. How do you explain without sounding crazy that someone whom you never met is impacting your life?

I'm glad my abuser is dead.

I don't have to worry about interacting with him, I don't have to worry about people upset that I dare malign his character, and I don't have to worry about reporting him to prevent future abuse on other people. I don't have to worry about the victim shaming, even in questions that are slanted. Even within the abuse and assault community, everyone has speculations about how it should be reported, when it should be reported, and when it's serious enough to be reported.  I don't have to worry if people think I'm believed just because I'm a woman or because of personal interests.

I'm glad my abuser is dead.

I can proceed with life as it was. I can keep my personal secrets secret. I can minimize the repercussions of his behavior. I can deal with the impact on a daily basis. I can process through my life within my selected social circle. I don't have to deal with him.

I'm glad my abuser is dead.
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Til It Happens to You

You tell me it gets better, it gets better in time
You say I'll pull myself together, pull it together
You'll be fine
Tell me what the hell do you know? What do you know?
Tell me how the hell could you know? How could you know?

Till it happens to you, you don't know how it feels
How it feels
Till it happens to you, you won't know
It won't be real
No, it won't be real
Won't know how it feels

You tell me hold your head up
Hold your head up and be strong
'Cause when you fall, you gotta get up
You gotta get up and move on

Tell me, how the hell could you talk?
How could you talk?
'Cause until you walk where I walk
It's just all talk

Till it happens to you, you don't know how it feels
How it feels
Till it happens to you, you won't know
It won't be real (how could you know?)
No, it won't be real (how could you know?)
Won't know how I feel

Till your world burns and crashes
Till you're at the end, the end of your rope
Till you're standing in my shoes, I don't wanna hear nothing from you
From you, from you, 'cause you don't know

Till it happens to you, you don't know how I feel
How I feel, how I feel
Till it happens to you, you won't know
It won't be real (how could you know?)
No, it won't be real (how could you know?)
Won't know how it feels

Till it happens to you, happens to you, happens to you
Happens to you, happens to you, happens to you (how could you know?)

Till it happens to you, you won't know how I feel

Value vs. Cost

You wouldn't believe me if I told you how many times I have written and rewritten about this topic, especially in my head. I have so many thoughts, opinions, questions, and concerns to share, but shockingly, I am finding it difficult to express what I mean while saying everything I mean in the way that I mean. Even with all that thinking, this post still only scratches the surface.

A common thread throughout the past year and a half has been about value. On an intrinsic level, without having to have anything to contribute to the family, workforce or the world, how is a value determined? One of the most damaging things someone can hear in his or her life is "You have been weighed; you have been measured, and you have been found wanting."

People should never feel like they have no value. I'm not talking about participation trophies or trite "That was great" statements. I'm talking about value as a being, as themselves, personality and charisma aside. It begins early. How you treat your child will manifest the repercussions throughout the rest of his or her lifetime. EVERY human being has a value.

It's easy to talk about empathy. It's such a trendy word. Businesses want their customer service to make you feel like they understand your situation. "Put yourself in their shoes" is a common theme in corporate training. "Engage with the customer." What then? If it's artificial, it comes across as condescending and insincere.

When the goal is to create value, it naturally produces empathy. After all, when you realize someone's value, you DO empathize with them - not necessarily about their specific situation but about their experience and emotions as a fellow human. When you value someone, even at the most basic level of concern, you don't want to cause them any unnecessary pain. Each person will value someone differently than their neighbor would, sometimes in relation to how the other person benefits them and sometimes in relation to nothing at all.

I struggle with feeling valued every day. Growing up, it was something to be earned, not given freely. I struggle with feeling like second-string in my family, my work, my church, my friends, and my life. I struggle with it so much that my 6-month goal was to make sure I didn't cause someone to not feel valued. I know I failed miserably, but even being aware of it made a drastic difference in my interactions, whether on social media or in real life.

One thing I've noticed since my little experiment has been the assumption of intention. Everyone is the hero and victim of their own life story. If someone is your perceived friend, you assume their intentions are good. If someone has assumedly wronged you(even a friend), you claim they are out to hurt you. Assumptions are a tricky thing, and we all know what happens when we assume.

Anger is an easy go-to, especially in our increasingly disconnected world. When you don't see the other person as a fellow life traveler, it's easier to be insulting, hurtful, and bullying. If you distract people with barbs thrown at them, they won't see your pain. If you can look past the anger and tone and address the issue, that's when the real healing and progress is made.

The other side of value is how much do you keep fighting for it, whether it be a relationship, a possession, or a philosophy you believe in? If something is at risk, what is the cost vs. benefit analysis and what is your criteria for determining it? Financially, emotionally, long-term vs. short-term? What is the balance of seeing something else's value while at the same time not losing yours?

In only two areas do I not question my value: God and dogs.

Dogs are easy. Unconditional love is so ingrained in their being that it takes an extraordinary amount of abuse and pain for them to hate their family. I'm definitely not the best dog mom, but my girls get so excited every day when I get home, I'm amazed at the size of the pedestal on which I've been placed. I can never measure up to that, but they don't expect me to. Whatever I do for them is perfect because it comes from me.

God is the same for me. Even in the darkest of moments in 2017 and 2018, while I railed against God and tried to push through the depression, I never felt like He valued me any less. The judgment and shame I felt were of my own mind and that of other humans. He created me; why wouldn't He value me? There's a sense of freedom in that knowledge. No matter how often people fail me, I can accept their unintentional slights because I know they're flawed, but that isn't the whole story. God created people with a mere token of His capacity for love, and these days, with all the hurting in this world,  everyone appears to be the "least of these". People that are the most battered are the best at seeing value in others because they know the pain not having it causes. Everyone should feel valued and it's up to us to help people see it in themselves when they have lost their way.

You have not been weighed; you have not been measured, and you have been found valuable because you are.

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High Tide or Low Tide

In high seas or in low seas
I'm gonna be your friend
I'm gonna be your friend
In high seas or in low seas
I'll be by your side
I'll be by your side

I heard her praying, praying, praying
I said I heard my mother
She was praying (praying, praying, praying) yeah, and I
And the words that she said (the words that she said)
They still-a lingers in my head (lingers in my head)
She said "a child is born in this world
He needs protection." Wo-ohGod guide and protect us

When we're wrong, please correct us (when we're wrong, correct us)
And stand by me

In high seas or in low seas
I'm gonna be your friend
He said, "I'm gonna be your friend"
And, baby, high tide or in low tide
I'll be by your side
I'll be by your side

I said I heard my mother
She was cryin' (I heard her cryin'), yeah! (Cryin', cryin')
And the tears that she shed (the tears that she shed)
They still linger in my head (lingers in my head)
She said "a child is born in this world
He needs protection"

God, guide and protect us
When we're wrong (when we're wrong), please correct us. (O-oh)
And in high seas or in low seas
I'm gonna be your friend
I'm gonna be your friend
Said, in high tide or in low tide
I'll be by your side
I'll be by your side

High seas, in low seas
I'm gonna be your friend
I'm gonna be your friend
High tide or in low tide
I'll be by your side
I'll be by your side

A Letter of Thanks and an Apology

Dear J, Friends, Family, Acquaintances, and Random Strangers,

Thank you.

As cliché as it sounds, it really does take you falling on your face for you to realize who truly cares about your well-being, even when it doesn't fit into a pretty package. Although social media is maligned for distancing people, it is easy to see who supported me, despite not supporting my situation with A.

People who haven't talked to me in years sent words of encouragement, prayers, and gifts. People who claimed to admire me and care about what happened in my life went radio-silent and ghosted. At times when I was despairing, I often got encouragement from people who didn't even know me or who I knew vaguely through other people. I was in so many prayer circles, J and I joked that I was in a prayer n-sphere.

I know you shouldn't base your self-esteem on social media, but when insecurity strikes his head, you read into every statement, reaction, non-comment. Don't be fooled - judgmental people are everywhere. Some are people who are supposed to be like family. It doesn't matter. When the chips are down, it feels like going through a wildfire, tornado, earthquake all mixed in one. When the dust settles, what's left are the people worth keeping.

I'm sorry I wasn't strong. I'm sorry I didn't care enough to sacrifice as much as I should have. I'm sorry my flaws and mistakes have been out there for people to see and critique. I'm sorry my life isn't going the way it "should" be. I'm sorry I regret my decision. I'm sorry I'm not enough.

This is the last apology and reference I'll make, though. I made the decision with the information and situation I had at the time. My life is my life - not yours. I'm horrible at being patient with people who let themselves get stuck. This especially applies to me. I won't talk about it anymore and if you ask me, I'll tell you I'm fine and change the subject. Time to pull myself up by my bootstraps and "Suck it up, buttercup."

========================================================

Nobody Can Save Me

I'm dancing with my demons
I'm hanging off the edge
Storm clouds gather beneath me
Waves break above my head
Headfirst hallucination

I wanna fall wide awake now
You tell me it's alright
Tell me I'm forgiven, tonight

But nobody can save me now
I'm holding up a light
I'm chasing out the darkness inside
'Cause nobody can save me

Stared into this illusion
For answers yet to come
I chose a false solution
But nobody proved me wrong
Headfirst hallucination

I wanna fall wide awake
Watch the ground giving way now
You tell me it's alright
Tell me I'm forgiven, tonight

But nobody can save me now
I'm holding up a light
I'm chasing out the darkness inside
'Cause nobody can save me

Been searching somewhere out there
For what's been missing right here (I wanna fall wide awake now)
I've been searching somewhere out there
For what's been missing right here (I wanna fall wide awake now)
I wanna fall wide awake now
So tell me it's alright
Tell me I'm forgiven, tonight

And only I can save me now
I'm holding up a light
Chasing out the darkness inside
And I don't wanna let you down
But only I can save me!

Been searching somewhere out there
For what's been missing right here

Communication

I love words. Ever since I learned to read even before kindergarten, I have enjoyed the ability to explore the deliciousness of combining various letters to create words, sentences, paragraphs, songs, and entire books. Worlds come alive. Feelings move from ambiguity to specifics, and worlds are visualized with adjectives, nouns, and adverbs. Worlds, both real and fictional, become magical and visceral.

Even though I crave to learn as much as I can about anything, I prefer fiction to non-fiction. Technical books are usually much too dry to enjoy, self-help and business books are very preachy, and, unless I'm interested in the topic, it takes me forever to read a book. Fiction on the other hand, I can devour hours at a time. I get emotionally invested in the characters. I ride their emotional coaster with them, hurt with their hurts, laugh at their jokes, and smile with their happiness. I can escape my feelings and, for a brief time, experience emotions that are safe in a way. No one gets hurt, no one is actually betrayed, and life is usually wrapped up neatly by the end of the glimpse into their lives.

If I had to name a guilty pleasure, I would have to claim Linkin Park. Depending on whom you ask, multiple songs can be considered emo, but from the initial exposure to Hybrid Theory when I heard "Crawling", I could process emotions through their songs. Other than Disturbed and Highly Suspect, they're the "heaviest" I really go into music. I like the blend of rap and rock, and J has learned when I say I'm having a "Linkin Park kind of day", something's wrong. I appreciate that their songs are not usually about the typical "love song", and although their is occasionally profanity, it's there to embellish and enhance the message-not just for shock value.

Words can hurt, heal, encourage, or defeat, especially internal communication. My boss could tell I was struggling after signing the surrender paperwork last Monday and sent me this:

"I nominate P as my Hero of the Month! P has blown me away this past month with her Character alone. She has had a lot of things happen over the past couple of months that really impacted her personal life but she still managed to not miss work but even more, she managed her work/life balance better than many could – given the circumstances. P led the team in the most Positive survey responses and one of the highest scores in the department at a PRR of 90%. P is always willing to help where the business needs whether it be in Chat or on the Phones. She also gives a lot of support to her peers by shadowing, sharing best practices, and helping answer questions. Thank you, P, for your character, work ethic, and your constant drive to help and improve. It does not go unnoticed."

At the end of the year, we have to complete a self-assessment. I struggle to brag about myself without joking about my arrogance and minimizing my skills. There are two versions I could give. The assessment I would give if I were giving it to someone else and the one I would give about myself.

Version 1:
Summary

P is a wonderful asset wherever she is placed. There is no job she is not willing to do. She is undoubtedly the most willing team player I can imagine. She is great at keeping a positive attitude during conflicts and not letting work affect her mood. She excels at learning new information and sharing it with other teammates. She not only loves to learn information presented but keeps asking questions so she can completely understand the context and how it fits the mission and vision of the organization. She has a strong desire to genuinely help customers, is persistent in solving issues, and does not let the customer's frustration affect her. She is great at researching for information she needs and thinking outside the box for creative solutions. She is excellent at communication in a clear way that customers can understand no matter their technical level without sounding like she's being condescending or patronizing. Her compassion and intention to advocate for the customer come across in her communication with customers and results in positive survey responses and a continuously improving response rate. Customer feedback continuously highlights their enjoyment with their customer experience. She has shown leadership in assisting teammates in best practices and sharing her skills so that the department as a whole can improve. Throughout all this, she does not have an air of arrogance about her knowledge or attempt to bring others down to make herself look better. In fact, she is always looking for ways she can improve and excel in ALL areas of her job. I would like to see her take more initiative in learning even more in-depth about the various technologies. She has never been put on a corrective action plan and can be counted on to work overtime when needed. She rises to the challenge and continuously applies feedback to her performance. She has a high level of integrity. She has positive interactions with all her teammates and a wonderful sense of humor that helps to relax tense situations and keep morale up. I would like to see her be more open and a little less stoic. She takes a while to warm up to people, but she's got a great personality and is charming when she gets to know you.

Positives
Able to work in a team or solo environment
Adaptable to change
Quick to learn information
Perfectionist
Excellent vocabulary and communication skills
High Survey Response Rate
High Reliability
Side-by-sides helping teammates
Go-to for information from teammates
Positive attitude
Strong work ethic
Open to constructive criticism and improvement
Strong customer service
Patient with frustrated customers
Creative problem solver
Good at analyzing
Eagerness to learn and understand

Areas of Opportunity and Plan to Improve

High RCR- Being more proactive with followups and increasing knowledge to solve issues
High ACW- Adding to resources and tools to minimize time searching for answers for customers
Inconsistent QA scores-Improving as focus is placed on increasing skills and customer experience
Low PRR-Being more proactive with followups and increasing knowledge to resolve issues

Version 2 if I wrote what I really wanted:
Summary

P settles for what's easy. She doesn't really involve herself in others' lives. She gets moody. She gets distracted easily. She thinks herself above everyone else. She's competitive. She over-analyzes everything. She doesn't want to take responsibility for her life choices. She forgets information and asks questions all the time. She challenges rules and processes in place, and thinks she knows better than others about what needs to be done. She has to know everything, even if it doesn't directly affect her. She's good at bluffing about her skills, but there's no substance. She butts her opinions when questions are asked around her. She's got an opinion about everything, except for the things that matter. She's lazy and tries to do the minimum, yet she gets resentful when she's not the best. She's highly arrogant. She's selective about who she likes to be nice to. She has trouble finishing what she started. She wants people to admire her when she hasn't done anything to be admired for. She acts too big for her britches and doesn't pay attention to detail. She talks too much and isn't a good listener. She's forgetful and doesn't remember details about other people.

Negatives
Low PRR
High RCR
High ACW
Low rapport
Low technical skills
Quick to jump to conclusions
Gets irritated with customers
Hubris

Positives
High reliability
Perfectionist
Smart

I would want to hire the first person and not even acquaint myself with the second. It was a struggle to not go back and edit the first submission, and I had to hit submit before I let myself edit it down to downplay my skills. Even when I have peer-reviewed others, I try to frame it in a positive light, and I would never send version number 2 to anyone since it's just beating down someone who probably has sensitivities in at least one of those areas. Don't let the length of the summaries confuse, though.

Astonishingly, my self-talk HAS improved. Recent events notwithstanding, I'm getting better at accepting compliments and not feeling like I need to prove myself. When things don't go the way you expect, it's a good check on your pride. "I'm better than this" and "you need me" should never be thoughts in my mind. Yet, at the base of it all is that whisper that I will never be enough, that I'll always be second-choice, that I'll always be the consolation prize.

Words...

================================================================

Heavy

I don’t like my mind right now
Stacking up problems that are so unnecessary
Wish that I could slow things down
I wanna let go but there’s comfort in the panic
And I drive myself crazy
Thinking everything's about me
Yeah, I drive myself crazy
'Cause I can’t escape the gravity

I'm holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
So much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what's bringing me down
If I just let go, I'd be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?

You say that I'm paranoid
But I’m pretty sure the world is out to get me
It’s not like I make the choice
To let my mind stay so fucking messy
I know I'm not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning 'round me just the same
I know I'm not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning 'round me just the same

I'm holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
So much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what's bringing me down
If I just let go, I'd be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?

I know I'm not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning 'round me just the same
I know I'm not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning 'round me just the same
And I drive myself crazy
Thinking everything’s about me

Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
So much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what's bringing me down
If I just let go, I'd be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Why is everything so heavy?
Why is everything so heavy?

Mediocrity

I've been coasting.

It's so easy to get into a rut and lull yourself into the land of complacency. I need failures to light a fire in my belly. This past week, no matter what the competition was, I could not win. The tricky part was I usually came in 2nd. It's a good check on humility, but when it all hits in the same week, it's rough. In several of the cases, it was just barely a loss. That extra effort...

I haven't been to church in a month, and my social life is extra selective. Partially, because it's our busy time at work, I have been working 90+-hour weeks while I can to save up money for past-due bills. Mostly, though, it's been avoidance. That extra effort...

It's been challenging to see other moms and children in any age.  All I can think is, "Did I give in too easily?" and "Another thing I've failed at." I see pictures of new babies, announcements of new pregnancies, and the first thought that comes to my mind is, "That was supposed to be MY life." In some ways, it feels like he died. I don't want to talk to everyone about it, and I keep feeling jealousy at the "normal" route of other mothers. I also feel like too many strangers know too much about my life and personal choices I've made. I can't imagine being a celebrity and having everything placed under a microscope.

I haven't been praying, I haven't been reading anything even remotely close to quality just so I can get an emotional release, and I haven't been asking God for help. I feel like I'm in a fog. The hard part about being in a situation that most people haven't been through is that they can't understand it completely. People comprehend bits and pieces, but it's difficult to explain the entire story. That extra effort...

How do you explain that you're jealous of parents having sleepless nights, toddlers that don't listen to rules, or overnight throw-up? How do you explain that you want to complain about your child being sick? How do you explain how it feels when your child does better in 1 week than he did in 3 weeks in his mom's care?

How do you explain that you don't think of your child for most of the day, and yet, you feel like a part of you has been cut out? That extra effort...
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Skyscraper

Skies are crying, I am watching
Catching tear drops in my hands
Only silence as it's ending
Like we never had a chance
Do you have to make me feel like
There's nothing left of me?

You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper

As the smoke clears, I awaken
And untangle you from me
Would it make you feel better
To watch me while I bleed?
All my windows still are broken
But I'm standing on my feet

You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper

Go run, run, run
I'm gonna stay right here,
Watch you disappear
Yeah, oh
Go run, run, run
Yeah, it's a long way down
But I am closer to the clouds up here

You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Oh Oh
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper

(Like a skyscraper)

Like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper

Failure

Lack of success. The omission of expected or required action. The action or state of not functioning. Failure.

If 2016 was the Year of Firsts, 2017 has been the Year of Failure.

Failure at my job. Failure at health. Failure at being a good friend. Failure at being a good pregnant lady. Failure at being a good church leader. Failure at budgeting. Failure at being a good doggie mom. Failure at being able to carry a baby to full-term. Failure at being able to feed my own child. Failure at being a good girlfriend. Failure at being a good daughter. Failure at being a good sister. Failure at being able to take care of my child after he got out of the hospital. Failure at feeling guilty at being relieved that my son is being adopted and I won't have to be responsible. Failure at being a mother.

Failure to thrive. FAILURE to thrive.

With success being drilled into my head early in my life, one's value is only as good as your last success. My latest failure is quite a doozy. Even taking into account A's special feeding needs and my lack of infant experience, all I can hear with the assessment of failure-to-thrive is that I am not good enough. It makes me want to retreat into a corner and curl up in a ball. I don't know how to get past this mindset, no matter how much people try to reassure me it's a medical diagnosis and doesn't mean I necessarily anything wrong. If that's true, how is it that he's gained 1 pound in a week, he's happy, cooing, smiling, and sleeping through the night?

I failed. Whether it happened because of lack of knowledge or his medical situation, the end result is the same. What if it happens with the next child? Who's going to trust me to take care of a child when I couldn't even handle it for 3 weeks? 
How do you learn how to parent when everyone expects you to magically know?

So what do you do after a failure? We'll find out.
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Fix You

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go,
If you never try, you'll never know
Just what you're worth.

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones,
And I will try to fix you.

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from all my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

In Memoriam

This wasn't how it was supposed to go.

After choosing an adoption family and scheduling the court appointment for termination of rights, we have a new development! So exciting...😒

Little A has been diagnosed with Solitary median maxillary central incisor (SMMCI) syndrome. Before you attempt to look it up, it's a rare(1 in 50,000) genetic condition which has developmental defects early(day 35-38) in utero. Fortunately, he doesn't have the deviation between his brain hemispheres, but it still means multiple doctor appointments and various forms of therapy. He has also been labeled as failure-to-thrive because he keeps losing weight. He's lost 10 oz since he left the hospital, and they're worried about his motor development, since he's not developmentally where a 2-month old baby should be.

The adopting family decided they aren't the right family for him because he will need so much special care, extra doctor appointments, various therapies, and extra medical needs. I understand the hesitation, but I am disappointed. Their reasoning was they wouldn't be able to have the time needed for all the extra trips to the doctor and special needs activities. As J pointed out to me when I tried to defend them, it would be like finding out your biological child was special needs. You do whatever it takes to make it work. I love him all the more for that train of thinking. I tried to explain, many times(not always), when people adopt, they are looking for certain characteristics. Very few people intentionally want a special needs child. yes, there are sperm banks and IVF, but adoption can be similar in terms of "shopping" for a child.

Since it's genetic, I do worry that any subsequent children could have this issue. I know there's nothing I can really do about it, but I MAY have a slight inclination to over analyze and internalize everything. Don't get me wrong: if my next child has some kind of major issue, I'm not giving them up. That's my main issue with the adopting family-they said they promised to take care of him and love him just like I would. I am NOT giving him up because he's special needs. I'm giving him to another family because he's a baby, not because he's a special needs baby. There's a difference. This is what I am worried about him being sensitive about - the concern that he will think it's because he's "difficult" or not perfect in some way.

The good news is he does have another option for a new family. The temporary (cradle home) foster family that has been caring for him has expressed interest in adopting him. They already have several special needs children of their own. The father works from home and the mother does not work outside the home, so it would be a great setup for any medical care A would need. He would stay nearby, and I know they have a very Christ-centered focus in their home.

Another family that was initially interested didn’t want to be considered anymore because they felt like I was uncertain when we had talked about them being his family earlier. Birth mothers aren’t just casting aside their children for what’s convenient and whatever family expresses interest. Especially if you get attached to your child, whether while in the womb or post-labor, thoughts about trying to make it work will constantly present themselves. Is it even possible to make it work? Staying with the birth family should always be the default consideration.

Someone commented to me that maybe I was sharing a bit too much. ME!! I share for a few reasons. I need to process. While I do enjoy talking with people about my thoughts and feelings, sometimes just throwing it all on paper clears all my thinking. Also, a few people have commented derogatorily about adoption and birth mothers. I think it helps to see the behind the scenes, the concerns, anxieties, emotional roller coasters, and the reasoning that mothers go through. This isn’t just a “What’s for dinner?” decision process.

I don't pretend to be the "typical" birth mom. In fact, all I've heard through most of this journey is how unusual and abnormal my situation is. I've heard that my entire life. I'm used to it! A rare genetic syndrome, post-birth adoption, and odd social circumstances are just par for the course. If you read my posts, you're not going to magically understand what all mothers go through, and I would warn against trying to do that at all.

For better or worse, it is what it is. I feel like I say that often these days. Part of it is resignation; part of it is acceptance, and part of it is just weariness. I really wish I were in a different set of circumstances. Whatever the resolution to all of this is, I would just like some kind of closure. Maybe someday soon.
===================================

Hills and Valleys

I've walked among the shadows
You wiped my tears away
And I've felt the pain of heartbreak
And I've seen the brighter days
And I've prayed prayers to heaven
From my lowest place
And I have held your blessings
God, you give and take away
No matter what I have, Your grace is enough
No matter where I am, I'm standing in Your love

On the mountains, I will bow my life
To the one who set me there
In the valley, I will lift my eyes to the one who sees me there
When I'm standing on the mountain,
I didn't get there on my own

When I'm walking through the valley
I know I am not alone!
You're God of the hills and valleys!
Hills and Valleys!
God of the hills and valleys
And I am not alone!

I've watched my dreams get broken
In you I hope again!
No matter what I know
Know I'm safe inside Your hand

On the mountains, I will bow my life
To the one who set me there (to the one who set me there)
In the valley, I will lift my eyes to the one who sees me there
When I'm standing on the mountain,
I didn't get there on my own
When I'm walking through the valley
I know I am not alone!
You're God of the hills and valleys!
Hills and Valleys!
God of the hills and valleys
And I am not alone!

Father, you give and take away
Every joy and every pain
Through it all you will remain
Over it all!

Father, you give and take away
Every joy and every pain
Through it all you will remain
Over it all!

On the mountains, I will bow my life
To the one who set me there (to the one who set me there)
In the valley, I will lift my eyes to the one who sees me there
When I'm standing on the mountain,
I didn't get there on my own
When I'm walking through the valley
I know I am not alone!
You're God of the hills and valleys!
Hills and Valleys!
God of the hills and valleys
And I am not alone!

And I will choose to say "Blessed be Your name, yeah, yeah"

And I am not alone

Love is Just the Beginning

To my son,

I picked out your new family last night. They seem pretty ideal, and I could tell just from reading their bio that they have so much love to give you. You'll get a mother with a huge heart, who cares about all the people around her. You'll get a father who cares if you're happy and will support your choices in life. You'll get a big brother who is already excited you're coming. You'll get not just your parents but an extended family and entire community who will lift you up in love and support. You will have so many opportunities I cannot provide and an environment which will encourage you to be your best self whomever that happens to be.

I especially want you to know that me giving you to them in no way means that you are less than perfect or not worth keeping. This has NO reflection on you at all. This has to do with me not being enough to give you the life you deserve. I am not abandoning you. If you ever need anything from me, I will drop everything and help in any way I can. I'm just adding more family into the mix. I wish I could keep you with me, but I know this will be best for everyone, especially you.

I love our little snuggles and watching you learn about the world. I can already tell you're inquisitive and patient. You're a chill little dude, especially when Rosie is being...well, Rosie. The world is an amazing and scary place, and I can't wait to see you learn and grow along with the rest of us.

I want you to grow up strong, conscientious, ambitious, hard-working, loving, helpful, and secure in being you. If, at some point, you decide you don't want to see me anymore, I completely understand and will respect your decision. I'll still pray for you. I will always love you, and no matter who legally takes care of you, you'll always be my child wherever you go.

Love always no matter what.
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To my son's new parents,

You're getting an amazing kid. I promise I'm not just saying that because I'm biased. I picked you on purpose because I know you'll be able to provide him all the things I cannot. He's a fighter and he IS strong, but he's also loving and affectionate.

I thank you for keeping his name, even though you don't have to. I appreciate you opening up your home and your hearts to raise him and give him whatever he needs. I'm glad he will have wonderful role models in all aspects of his life, but especially in his own home.

Please speak up if you feel I am being in any way intrusive or you begin to resent my desire to be involved. I know you don't have to let me see him other than the minimum contact, and I appreciate you not shutting me out completely. I don't want to take him from you. Mostly, I want to be able to enrich his already full support. He has been surrounded with love since the time he was discovered in my womb, and I know he's been prayed over throughout many prayer circles.

I look forward to getting to know you and him and help him on his journey together. Thank you so much for promising to take care of A and loving on him.

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To God,

I cannot imagine the strength the Theotokos must have had in watching her son whom she had kept for many years to be sacrificed in complete innocence. I think of how protective I feel over little A in such a short time and how he didn't ask for any of this to happen to him.

I know things will turn out for the best of everyone. I appreciate the short time you allowed me to care for him. (I especially appreciate all the $0 medical bills after my out-of-pocket max was met! $131,000 St. Thomas bill = poof!) I wish I could say I grew spiritually, but we both know the lie detector determined THAT was a lie.

I pray for you to watch over J, B, and C as they learn A and he learns them. I pray for them to lead them in the way he should go. I pray that they turn to you when they are struggling through less-than-perfect times. I mean, Moses, Esther, and Jesus were all adopted, and they turned out pretty okay.

I pray for you to strengthen A's faith whenever he feels lost or conflicted. I pray that you provide guidance and discernment when learning how the 2 families interact and move forward to support A to the best of our abilities, which is the ultimate barometer to determine next steps. I pray that you not make things easy on him but show him that you are always there to turn to in times of strife. I pray he learns how much you care for him. Please help me to remember that this is the best choice I can make for him and what he needs.

P.S. I wouldn't mind another one with slightly different circumstances.
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You'll Be in My Heart

Come stop your crying
It will be alright
Just take my hand
And hold it tight

I will protect you
From all around you
I will be here
Don't you cry

For one so small,
You seem so strong
My arms will hold you,
Keep you safe and warm
This bond between us
Can't be broken
I will be here
Don't you cry

'Cause you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more
You'll be in my heart
No matter what they say
You'll be here in my heart
Always

Why can't they understand the way we feel
They just don't trust what they can't explain
I know we're different, but deep inside us
We're not that different at all

And you'll be in my heart
Yes you'll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more

Don't listen to them
'Cause what do they know
We need each other, to have, to hold
They'll see in time, I know

When destiny calls you, you must be strong
I may not be with you
But you got to hold on
They'll see in time, I know
We'll show them together

'Cause you'll be in my heart
Believe me you'll be in my heart
I'll be there from this day on
Now and forever more

You'll be in my heart
No matter what they say
You'll be here in my heart
Always

Always I'll be with you
I'll be there for you always
Always and always

Just look over your shoulder
Just look over your shoulder
Just look over your shoulder
I'll be there
Always

Love is Not Enough

Despite what certain people say, love is not all you need.

2016 was a year of many firsts: I was responsible for helping plan social events for a bunch of people that don't usually want to be around too many people, I had my first peer-to-peer review, my first rebound relationship, and another first that became more obvious this year. It was the first time I had a couple different guys pursuing me, the first time I said I love you to my first boyfriend, the first time I had to consider a relationship longer than a few dates, the first time to think about meeting families, and I went through my first breakup.

It was the first time I had to consider someone's feelings on a daily, intimate level. It was the first time I had someone that cared enough to push past my walls. It was the first time I tried to let someone take care of me. (Yes, I said TRIED.) I loved him and he loved me, but it wasn't enough. He couldn't love me past my fears of intimacy and trust issues. I couldn't love him enough to make him feel valued or secure. He couldn't love me enough to get past our differences on religion. I couldn't love him enough for him to not resent me for my faith. He couldn't love me enough to fix my finances. I couldn't love him enough to eliminate his anger issues. He couldn't love me enough for me to know how to communicate my thoughts and feelings with him without lashing out.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying love isn't needed, but it should be the minimum. Yes, you need love, but you also need faith, trust, commitment, patience, communication, compassion, honesty, kindness, emotional support, romance, intimacy, vulnerability, and acceptance. Love can be passive. You can say you love God. Great. Now what? Unless love is in the active tense, it's essentially useless. Love must be active to be effective. Love is the first step. Where does it take you after that?

Love isn't enough to make you a good mother. I love BG, but I'm not able to provide the resources or the situation he needs to be set up the best in life. I've decided to give BG up for adoption officially. Does this mean I don't love him enough? Of course not.

I'm angry. I'm angry at BG's dad for bailing and being exactly who I thought he was. I'm angry at BG for interrupting my life. I'm angry at myself for lowering my standards and making a stupid choice and putting us in this position. I'm angry at everyone who tells me what I should do and feel. I'm angry at D for bailing when it got tough. I'm angry at J for not knowing what I need even though I don't tell him. I'm angry at the system which makes it difficult to get back on your feet. I'm angry because I'm not where I thought I would be at this point in my life. I'm angry because reality doesn't match the expectations.

But, I still love BG. It kills me that my issues and struggles could be passed on to him, not genetically as some might suggest, but because I would treat him differently. Am I meant to be more than a doggie mom? I'm not sure at this point. Maybe I'm more in love with the idea of being a Mom but don't want to deal with the gritty day-to-day.

Yes, I love him. But it isn't enough.
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Love is Not Enough

The more that we take
The paler we get
I can't remember what it is
We tried to forget

The tile on the floor
So cold it can sting
In your eyes is a place
Worth remembering

Do you wake up and taste this
And smash it apart
I've gone all this fucking way
To wind up back at the start

Hey the closer we think we are
Well it only got us so far
Have you got anything left to show
No no I didn't think so

Hey the sooner we realize
We cover ourselves with lies
Well Underneath we're not so tough
Oh love is not enough

Well it hides in the dark
Like the weaker and vain
We didn't give it a mouth
So it cannot complain

We never really had a chance
We never really make it through
And to think I believed
I believed I could get better with you

Hey the closer we think we are
Well it only got us so far
Have you got anything left to show
No no I didn't think so

Hey the sooner we realize
We cover ourselves with lies
Well Underneath we're not so tough
Oh love is not enough