Horses are my favorite animal. Yes, I love dogs, but the only reason I have dogs and not horses, is because 1. you cannot take a horse inside the house, and 2. the cost is MUCH higher.
I'm not sure when exactly the love affair began. It may have been at some point between learning about She-Ra's magnificent winged horse, Swiftwind, and sitting on the jet-black Tennessee Walking horse that was showing at the fairgrounds. All I remember is flowing mane and tail, but I was hooked immediately. I kept begging my mother to buy me a horse, and promised her all sorts of chores, grades, good behavior, etc. so that my dream would come true. Her response was to buy 5 Newfoundland dogs, instead. Now, don't get me wrong, the Newfies are my favorite breed of dog, but I cannot ride them. They do make excellent pillows, however! Since I was unable to convince my mom to get any horse, even when we moved out to the country, I devoured as many books as I could, and accepted any type of riding opportunities possible. I only started lessons when I was in college, and I could pay for them myself. Currently, I am still piggybacking on friends with horses and plotting how to have a car payment and lease a horse at the same time.
While I appreciate a clean environment, I dislike cleaning(unless I am stress-cleaning). However, I can spend hours in the barn making sure all the tack is cleaned, the floor is spotless, and the horses are happy. I love the smell of a barn(horse-NOT cow), the light on the hay at either sunrise or sunset, the sounds of the horses in their stalls chewing their feed, and the feel of the soft leather after it has been cleaned and oiled. It is so peaceful and relaxing to feel like you're back in the 1800's-no cars, no pollution-light or otherwise, and no technology.
Being on the back of a horse, whether trotting, cantering, or galloping, gives me a feeling of freedom and joy like no other. While there is a physical benefit when you get into the more technical aspects and finesse of riding, the mental benefits are what draw me back every time. I like boats for the same reason-when you are skimming over the waves or flying above the grassy plains, it feels like flying. For those few precious minutes, it feels as if life has gone away and you are riding the light waves.
Horses, like dogs, are sensitive to a person's energy, and I always know if I am relaxed or tense based on how the horse is reacting to my requests. If the horse is fidgety and wants to run too fast, most likely, my calves are probably squeezing much too hard. If he keeps tossing his head or pulling on the reins, most likely I am trying to control him, rather than guiding him to where I want to go. It all comes down to boundaries. If I am too hard in one area and confusing in another, how can I expect the horse to understand? It is amazing how much nicer the ride is when I take deep breaths and allow the horse to carry me, maintaining a supportive, yet relaxed, control of the ride. Now, if I could learn to do this in personal relationships, I would be much better off!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Forgive - Sanctus Real
Well the past is playing with my head
And failure knocks me down again
I’m reminded of the wrong
That I have said and done
And that devil just wont let me forget
In this life
I know what I’ve been
But here in your arms
I know what I am
I’m forgiven
I’m forgiven
And I don’t have to carry
The weight of who I’ve been
Cause I’m forgiven
My mistakes are running through my mind
And I’ll relive my days, in the middle of the night
When I struggle with my pain, wrestle with my pride
Sometimes I feel alone, and I cry
In this life
I know what I’ve been
But here in your arms
I know what I am
I’m forgiven
I’m forgiven
And I don’t have to carry
The weight of who I’ve been
Cause I’m forgiven
When I don't fit in
And I don’t feel like I belong anywhere
When I don’t measure up to much in this life
Oh, I’m a treasure in the arms of Christ
Cause I’m forgiven
I’m forgiven
And I don’t have to carry
The weight of who I’ve been
Cause I’m forgiven
Monday, November 19, 2012
Thursday, November 15, 2012
North vs. South
"The greatest conflicts are not between two people but between one person and himself.
--Garth Brooks
I am at war. I am at war with how I want to feel and how I actually feel. I am at war with wanting to improve myself and with just resigning myself to how I am now. I am at war with wanting to push everyone away and keeping everyone near me. I am at war with being myself and being whom others think that I am. I am at war with faking it and throwing everything in people's faces for shock value. I am at war between the past and the present.
People lie to themselves about all types of things. The reason behind most of them is for our own personal comfort. Sometimes I win, sometimes I lose…and I win more often than not…but when I lose, it’s always for the same reason – I made an excuse. Now, sometimes, lying to yourself can be okay. If you are trying to psych yourself up for something, you can fool yourself and even others into thinking things are possible. This is not true for this case. I lied to myself the past few months and built up things in my head in a way that did not reflect the situation at all. Eventually, even though I "knew" it was a lie, I didn't care, and I allowed myself to believe it-to my own detriment. Now, I am left with dealing and moving on. I have no one else to blame, nor do I try to. I am ashamed to admit that I am more bothered than I thought I would be and that I thought I knew what I wanted.
I was told yesterday I am a codependent person, which I would agree with. You mirror what you know, right? "Guilt and perfectionism often go along with low self-esteem. If everything is perfect, you don’t feel bad about yourself." With that said, of course I am not satisfied with just leaving this as is. Yes, as I stated above, I am in turmoil about wanting to give up, but this is just not me, and it will never be. I have ideas about what I would like to address in counseling. Much like God's plan, though, I know it doesn't often follow a straight, rational path, so I am curious to see what will surface. At the same time as the formal counseling, I am also reading several books of varying topics, "The Courage to Heal," "Our Thoughts Determine Our Lives," and "The Dance of Anger." I think doing an intensive focus on myself, without any distractions, especially during this Nativity fast, will be immensely beneficial to me.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dance in the Graveyards - Delta Rae
--Garth Brooks
I am at war. I am at war with how I want to feel and how I actually feel. I am at war with wanting to improve myself and with just resigning myself to how I am now. I am at war with wanting to push everyone away and keeping everyone near me. I am at war with being myself and being whom others think that I am. I am at war with faking it and throwing everything in people's faces for shock value. I am at war between the past and the present.
People lie to themselves about all types of things. The reason behind most of them is for our own personal comfort. Sometimes I win, sometimes I lose…and I win more often than not…but when I lose, it’s always for the same reason – I made an excuse. Now, sometimes, lying to yourself can be okay. If you are trying to psych yourself up for something, you can fool yourself and even others into thinking things are possible. This is not true for this case. I lied to myself the past few months and built up things in my head in a way that did not reflect the situation at all. Eventually, even though I "knew" it was a lie, I didn't care, and I allowed myself to believe it-to my own detriment. Now, I am left with dealing and moving on. I have no one else to blame, nor do I try to. I am ashamed to admit that I am more bothered than I thought I would be and that I thought I knew what I wanted.
I was told yesterday I am a codependent person, which I would agree with. You mirror what you know, right? "Guilt and perfectionism often go along with low self-esteem. If everything is perfect, you don’t feel bad about yourself." With that said, of course I am not satisfied with just leaving this as is. Yes, as I stated above, I am in turmoil about wanting to give up, but this is just not me, and it will never be. I have ideas about what I would like to address in counseling. Much like God's plan, though, I know it doesn't often follow a straight, rational path, so I am curious to see what will surface. At the same time as the formal counseling, I am also reading several books of varying topics, "The Courage to Heal," "Our Thoughts Determine Our Lives," and "The Dance of Anger." I think doing an intensive focus on myself, without any distractions, especially during this Nativity fast, will be immensely beneficial to me.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dance in the Graveyards - Delta Rae
When I die
I don’t want to rest in peace
I want to dance in joy
I want to dance in the graveyards, the graveyards
And while I’m alive
I don’t want to be alone
Mourning the ones who came before
I want to dance with them some more
Let’s dance in the graveyards
Gloria, like some other name we kept on calling ya and waiting for change
But I belong to all of your mysteries
And all of us, we’re meant for the fire, but we keep rising up and walking the wires
So when we go below don’t lose us in mourning
’Cause when I die
I don’t want to rest in peace
I want to dance in joy
I want to dance in the graveyards, the graveyards
And while I’m alive
I don’t want to be alone
Mourning the ones who came before
I want to dance with them some more
Let’s dance in the graveyards
Oh my love, don’t cry when I’m gone
I will lift you up, the air in your lungs
And when you reach for me, we’ll dance in the darkness
And we will walk beyond
Our daughters and sons, they will carry on
Like when we were young, and we will stand beside and breathe in their new life
’Cause when I die
I don’t want to rest in peace
I want to dance in joy
I want to dance in the graveyards, the graveyards
And while I’m alive
I don’t want to be alone
Mourning the ones who came before
I want to dance with them some more
Let’s dance in the graveyards
I don’t want to rest in peace
I want to dance in joy
I want to dance in the graveyards, the graveyards
And while I’m alive
I don’t want to be alone
Mourning the ones who came before
I want to dance with them some more
Let’s dance in the graveyards
Gloria, like some other name we kept on calling ya and waiting for change
But I belong to all of your mysteries
And all of us, we’re meant for the fire, but we keep rising up and walking the wires
So when we go below don’t lose us in mourning
’Cause when I die
I don’t want to rest in peace
I want to dance in joy
I want to dance in the graveyards, the graveyards
And while I’m alive
I don’t want to be alone
Mourning the ones who came before
I want to dance with them some more
Let’s dance in the graveyards
Oh my love, don’t cry when I’m gone
I will lift you up, the air in your lungs
And when you reach for me, we’ll dance in the darkness
And we will walk beyond
Our daughters and sons, they will carry on
Like when we were young, and we will stand beside and breathe in their new life
’Cause when I die
I don’t want to rest in peace
I want to dance in joy
I want to dance in the graveyards, the graveyards
And while I’m alive
I don’t want to be alone
Mourning the ones who came before
I want to dance with them some more
Let’s dance in the graveyards
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Character, Personality, or Habits?
I am almost envious of my ancestors and their isolation from other communities. The media tells us about so many conflicting qualities that are required to be "valuable." If I tried to be everything to everybody, I would be pulled in many different directions, and there would be nothing left of me for me. Despite my ability to appear as superwoman, I am anything but. Shocking, I know, but I am really good at pretending when it relates to me and avoiding discomfort.
Nature vs. nurture is a long-standing argument about what has more influence, but in reality, what difference does it make? If you have something you want to improve, or something people think about you, does it really matter where it comes from? People are not scientific experiments and do not live in bubbles where you can remove variables because there is no way to recreate the exact situation, and it also begs the question, "What is the 'control' group?" Some people might say chemical differences, genes, etc., but I think you can also choose to change. Of course, this also goes along with the free will vs. predestination debate. You could argue that my decision to change could be in my character or it could be from the example from my parents. There is really no way to address this issue without attempting from one side or the other. I say, why not both, and who cares which one has more impact? In my opinion(although no one asks), people sometimes try to find a scapegoat where they can so that they do not have to take responsibility for their own lives.
People really don't want to hear the truth. I am not good at sugar-coating Sometimes, I fall into this trap as well. There are certain things that I am sensitive about, and I initially will bristle at comments, but I actually respect and appreciate the person for telling me the truth. I think part of this is my constant desire to improve me.
Whether or not my desire to be perfect is from my upbringing or my personality is a moot point. In either case, it must be attacked, demolished, and removed before I can accept myself. Of course, the only reason I desire to address this issue is because I want to be perfect. Hmm...this is something of a catch-22...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pirate Bones
What if I squeeze myself into any shape
And I still don't fit?
What if I bend myself so much that I break
And I can't mend it?
What if I burn so bright that the fire goes out
And I can't stay lit?
What's the point in it?
I could get good at crying crocodile tears
Just to get along
I could carry on telling you wanna hear
'til my voice is gone
But if I finally get to the place that I think is home
And I don't belong
What's the point in it?
Where's the benefit?
When I'm gaining all but I'm losing it
[Chorus:]
It's not worth having
If it's too much to hold
You can dig so deep
That you're left with a hole
Thirsty in a desert with a bag full of gold
Don't wanna end up like pirate bones
What I thought was precious was just a pile o' stones
I might have the treasure but I'd be lying alone
Just a pile of pirate bones
If I forfeit my soul it ain't worth having
If it's something I stole it ain't worth having
What if I stake everything I am on a dream
And it's counterfeit?
If I reach the end that justifies the means
Could I live with it?
And if it's true that having too much of any good thing
Could only make me sick
What's the point in it
Where's the benefit
When I'm gaining all but I'm losing it
Oh, oh
[Chorus]
It's not worth that much to me
If losing out is what it means
To swim in shallow victory
Is empty, empty
It's just not worth the price
It's only a fools paradise
If it's draining every drop of life 'til I'm dry like pirate bones
[Chorus]
Nature vs. nurture is a long-standing argument about what has more influence, but in reality, what difference does it make? If you have something you want to improve, or something people think about you, does it really matter where it comes from? People are not scientific experiments and do not live in bubbles where you can remove variables because there is no way to recreate the exact situation, and it also begs the question, "What is the 'control' group?" Some people might say chemical differences, genes, etc., but I think you can also choose to change. Of course, this also goes along with the free will vs. predestination debate. You could argue that my decision to change could be in my character or it could be from the example from my parents. There is really no way to address this issue without attempting from one side or the other. I say, why not both, and who cares which one has more impact? In my opinion(although no one asks), people sometimes try to find a scapegoat where they can so that they do not have to take responsibility for their own lives.
People really don't want to hear the truth. I am not good at sugar-coating Sometimes, I fall into this trap as well. There are certain things that I am sensitive about, and I initially will bristle at comments, but I actually respect and appreciate the person for telling me the truth. I think part of this is my constant desire to improve me.
Whether or not my desire to be perfect is from my upbringing or my personality is a moot point. In either case, it must be attacked, demolished, and removed before I can accept myself. Of course, the only reason I desire to address this issue is because I want to be perfect. Hmm...this is something of a catch-22...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pirate Bones
What if I squeeze myself into any shape
And I still don't fit?
What if I bend myself so much that I break
And I can't mend it?
What if I burn so bright that the fire goes out
And I can't stay lit?
What's the point in it?
I could get good at crying crocodile tears
Just to get along
I could carry on telling you wanna hear
'til my voice is gone
But if I finally get to the place that I think is home
And I don't belong
What's the point in it?
Where's the benefit?
When I'm gaining all but I'm losing it
[Chorus:]
It's not worth having
If it's too much to hold
You can dig so deep
That you're left with a hole
Thirsty in a desert with a bag full of gold
Don't wanna end up like pirate bones
What I thought was precious was just a pile o' stones
I might have the treasure but I'd be lying alone
Just a pile of pirate bones
If I forfeit my soul it ain't worth having
If it's something I stole it ain't worth having
What if I stake everything I am on a dream
And it's counterfeit?
If I reach the end that justifies the means
Could I live with it?
And if it's true that having too much of any good thing
Could only make me sick
What's the point in it
Where's the benefit
When I'm gaining all but I'm losing it
Oh, oh
[Chorus]
It's not worth that much to me
If losing out is what it means
To swim in shallow victory
Is empty, empty
It's just not worth the price
It's only a fools paradise
If it's draining every drop of life 'til I'm dry like pirate bones
[Chorus]
Monday, November 12, 2012
Relationships
“Perhaps the reason we are unable to love is that we yearn to be loved, that is, we demand something (love) from our partner instead of delivering ourselves up to him demand-free and asking for nothing but his company.” - Milan Kundera
I feel. At this point, this is all I can commit to. In some ways, I feel strangely settled; in other ways, I feel determined, just in general, to "fix" the problem.
I do not pretend to be any type of expert on relationships, but in my mulling over recent events, I realized that most of the time when I enter into a relationship of any kind, I go into it thinking of what I am getting out of it, not what I have to offer the other person. So, then I started thinking, what do I have to offer someone else? What makes me more special than the person next to me?
The answer, shockingly, is nothing. This brings to mind the phrase "I am unique, just like everyone else." :) Yes, I have a really witty sense of humor, large vocabulary, I'm nice, blah, blah, blah; but really, how does that benefit the other party? All it does is serve MY needs. Witty sense of humor = deflecting when I am uncomfortable, large vocabulary means I can make myself seem more intelligent than the people around me, and being nice just means that I don't rock the boat or create any kind of conflict. There are some side benefits to these qualities, but that is only accidental and not due to any intentional desire to sacrifice myself for the other half.
The good thing as far as my spiritual life goes is that God WANTS me to realize that I bring nothing to the table. Nothing, good or bad, does anything to sway His love in either direction. I still struggle with this, even on the best of days. Surely, that good deed I did will outweigh the sin I just committed in my head, right? 5 points for going to Orthros AND Liturgy, -4 points for getting angry, etc... I still need to get it in my head that God already knows all of this, and yet, He still desires what is good for me and has adopted me into His family with no chance of getting myself kicked out.
I am going back to therapy this week. I realize there is still a stigma associated with therapists/counselors, but if you have a disease, you go to someone that has the training and expertise to assist you. Yes, I could (and do) self-medicate, but I will make so much more progress with someone that knows more than I do. I don't have any expectations at this point, which may be a good thing. I know the areas I need to focus on; but beyond that, I am trying to stay open-minded and willing to be open and frank so that I can get the most bang for my buck and be the best that I can be...and all those other cliches!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is a song I used to sing almost every other week, but I haven't heard in awhile. It was posted on Facebook today, and it pretty accurately describes what I needed to hear.
Come Ye Sinners - Indelible Grace
1. Come, ye sinners, poor and wretched,
Weak and wounded, sick and sore;
Jesus, ready, stands to save you,
Full of pity, joined with power.
He is able, He is able;
He is willing; doubt no more.
2. Come ye needy, come, and welcome,
God's free bounty glorify;
True belief and true repentance,
Every grace that brings you nigh.
Without money, without money
Come to Jesus Christ and buy.
3. Come, ye weary, heavy laden,
Bruised and broken by the fall;
If you tarry 'til you're better,
You will never come at all.
Not the righteous, not the righteous;
Sinners Jesus came to call.
4. Let not conscience make you linger,
Nor of fitness fondly dream;
All the fitness He requireth
Is to feel your need of Him.
This He gives you, this He gives you,
'Tis the Spirit's rising beam.
5. Lo! The Incarnate God, ascended;
Pleads the merit of His blood.
Venture on Him; venture wholly,
Let no other trust intrude.
None but Jesus, none but Jesus
Can do helpless sinners good.
I feel. At this point, this is all I can commit to. In some ways, I feel strangely settled; in other ways, I feel determined, just in general, to "fix" the problem.
I do not pretend to be any type of expert on relationships, but in my mulling over recent events, I realized that most of the time when I enter into a relationship of any kind, I go into it thinking of what I am getting out of it, not what I have to offer the other person. So, then I started thinking, what do I have to offer someone else? What makes me more special than the person next to me?
The answer, shockingly, is nothing. This brings to mind the phrase "I am unique, just like everyone else." :) Yes, I have a really witty sense of humor, large vocabulary, I'm nice, blah, blah, blah; but really, how does that benefit the other party? All it does is serve MY needs. Witty sense of humor = deflecting when I am uncomfortable, large vocabulary means I can make myself seem more intelligent than the people around me, and being nice just means that I don't rock the boat or create any kind of conflict. There are some side benefits to these qualities, but that is only accidental and not due to any intentional desire to sacrifice myself for the other half.
The good thing as far as my spiritual life goes is that God WANTS me to realize that I bring nothing to the table. Nothing, good or bad, does anything to sway His love in either direction. I still struggle with this, even on the best of days. Surely, that good deed I did will outweigh the sin I just committed in my head, right? 5 points for going to Orthros AND Liturgy, -4 points for getting angry, etc... I still need to get it in my head that God already knows all of this, and yet, He still desires what is good for me and has adopted me into His family with no chance of getting myself kicked out.
I am going back to therapy this week. I realize there is still a stigma associated with therapists/counselors, but if you have a disease, you go to someone that has the training and expertise to assist you. Yes, I could (and do) self-medicate, but I will make so much more progress with someone that knows more than I do. I don't have any expectations at this point, which may be a good thing. I know the areas I need to focus on; but beyond that, I am trying to stay open-minded and willing to be open and frank so that I can get the most bang for my buck and be the best that I can be...and all those other cliches!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is a song I used to sing almost every other week, but I haven't heard in awhile. It was posted on Facebook today, and it pretty accurately describes what I needed to hear.
Come Ye Sinners - Indelible Grace
1. Come, ye sinners, poor and wretched,
Weak and wounded, sick and sore;
Jesus, ready, stands to save you,
Full of pity, joined with power.
He is able, He is able;
He is willing; doubt no more.
2. Come ye needy, come, and welcome,
God's free bounty glorify;
True belief and true repentance,
Every grace that brings you nigh.
Without money, without money
Come to Jesus Christ and buy.
3. Come, ye weary, heavy laden,
Bruised and broken by the fall;
If you tarry 'til you're better,
You will never come at all.
Not the righteous, not the righteous;
Sinners Jesus came to call.
4. Let not conscience make you linger,
Nor of fitness fondly dream;
All the fitness He requireth
Is to feel your need of Him.
This He gives you, this He gives you,
'Tis the Spirit's rising beam.
5. Lo! The Incarnate God, ascended;
Pleads the merit of His blood.
Venture on Him; venture wholly,
Let no other trust intrude.
None but Jesus, none but Jesus
Can do helpless sinners good.
Friday, November 9, 2012
Idols
"A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery while on a detour." ~Author Unknown
I have been very distracted the past week and a half. This week I have been so focused on my emotional self that I have not done any introspection on my spiritual self. I have had plenty of conversations with myself, but none of them have been with God. Granted, I do sometimes (often) get too inside my head, but this week I have been feeling sorry for myself. I have done no prayers, no reading of the bible or spiritual, and no contemplation of my soul since confession on Saturday. You might think this would make my week easier, but in all honesty, it actually made it MORE difficult. You end up wishing your life away. "I wish today were Friday." Then, on Friday, you wish it were 5 PM, but you never really enjoy the day as it is occurring. The days fly by way too fast as it is, and they only seem to accelerate. Also, there is no grounding when your head goes where it shouldn't because there is no "zero."
I would love to be able to say that I have no one else before God, but the truth is, there are so many idols in front of Him, I cannot even see Him through the haze. People, work, myself, material things, pride, music, etc. all take precedence unless I am having a rough time. My fair-weather "friends" drop away, and He is the only thing left there waiting to help me. Then, when things perk up again, all the noise clamors for my attention, and I forget all over again. If He were a human, I would say He was an enabler, and that He should just quit being there. I don't know if I am testing Him, as I often do with people, to see what it will take for Him to give up and just dump me. Of course, it is not a conscious decision, but it is something I still choose in some capacity because I have not addressed the issue at its base.
My relationship with God should be my most intimate one, and in some ways it is, but I still have this idea that God doesn't know all my "junk," and if He knew, He wouldn't love me unconditionally. This is BS, I know, but for some reason, sometimes I think I can pull one over on God and keep up the screen that I have for everyone else. I have to remind myself that He already knows about that thing I did, what I thought about him, and what I said that one time in anger. I think in some ways it just sounds too good to be true. There are alot of scam artists in this world, and believing them will get you in trouble, and this sounds like a really big promise, but as I've learned in the past, promises are not always kept. It is hard to decide who to start to trust in first-people or God. God is more reliable, but people are not as scary to start with. I was discussing with friends that in order to trust or love someone, you have to actually trust or love them. The good thing about God is that He is there whenever you are ready. Whether it's 5 hours or 15 years later, it is never too late to realize the depth of His love and grace.
It is nice to know that you can lean on God without worry of Him failing you. I have taken care of everything for so long, it means alot for someone to want to take care of me sometimes.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Unfailing Love - Chris Tomlin
You have my heart
And I am Yours forever
You are my strength
God of grace and power
And everything You hold in Your hand
Still You make time for me
I can't understand
Praise You God of Earth and sky
How beautiful is Your unfailing love
Unfailing love
And You never change God You remain
The Holy One
My unfailing love
Unfailing love
You are my rock
The one I hold on to
You are my song
And I sing for You
And everything You hold in Your hand
Still You make time for me
I can't understand
Praise You God of Earth and sky
How beautiful is Your unfailing love
Unfailing love
And You never change God You remain
The Holy One
My Unfailing love
Unfailing love
And everything You hold in Your hand
Still you make time for me
I can't understand
Praise You God of Earth and sky
How beautiful is Your unfailing love
Unfailing love
And You never change God You remain
The Holy One
My Unfailing love
Unfailing love
I will praise You
Praise you God of earth and sky
How beautiful is your unfailing love
Unfailing love
And You never change God You remain
The Holy One
My Unfailing love
I have been very distracted the past week and a half. This week I have been so focused on my emotional self that I have not done any introspection on my spiritual self. I have had plenty of conversations with myself, but none of them have been with God. Granted, I do sometimes (often) get too inside my head, but this week I have been feeling sorry for myself. I have done no prayers, no reading of the bible or spiritual, and no contemplation of my soul since confession on Saturday. You might think this would make my week easier, but in all honesty, it actually made it MORE difficult. You end up wishing your life away. "I wish today were Friday." Then, on Friday, you wish it were 5 PM, but you never really enjoy the day as it is occurring. The days fly by way too fast as it is, and they only seem to accelerate. Also, there is no grounding when your head goes where it shouldn't because there is no "zero."
I would love to be able to say that I have no one else before God, but the truth is, there are so many idols in front of Him, I cannot even see Him through the haze. People, work, myself, material things, pride, music, etc. all take precedence unless I am having a rough time. My fair-weather "friends" drop away, and He is the only thing left there waiting to help me. Then, when things perk up again, all the noise clamors for my attention, and I forget all over again. If He were a human, I would say He was an enabler, and that He should just quit being there. I don't know if I am testing Him, as I often do with people, to see what it will take for Him to give up and just dump me. Of course, it is not a conscious decision, but it is something I still choose in some capacity because I have not addressed the issue at its base.
My relationship with God should be my most intimate one, and in some ways it is, but I still have this idea that God doesn't know all my "junk," and if He knew, He wouldn't love me unconditionally. This is BS, I know, but for some reason, sometimes I think I can pull one over on God and keep up the screen that I have for everyone else. I have to remind myself that He already knows about that thing I did, what I thought about him, and what I said that one time in anger. I think in some ways it just sounds too good to be true. There are alot of scam artists in this world, and believing them will get you in trouble, and this sounds like a really big promise, but as I've learned in the past, promises are not always kept. It is hard to decide who to start to trust in first-people or God. God is more reliable, but people are not as scary to start with. I was discussing with friends that in order to trust or love someone, you have to actually trust or love them. The good thing about God is that He is there whenever you are ready. Whether it's 5 hours or 15 years later, it is never too late to realize the depth of His love and grace.
It is nice to know that you can lean on God without worry of Him failing you. I have taken care of everything for so long, it means alot for someone to want to take care of me sometimes.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Unfailing Love - Chris Tomlin
You have my heart
And I am Yours forever
You are my strength
God of grace and power
And everything You hold in Your hand
Still You make time for me
I can't understand
Praise You God of Earth and sky
How beautiful is Your unfailing love
Unfailing love
And You never change God You remain
The Holy One
My unfailing love
Unfailing love
You are my rock
The one I hold on to
You are my song
And I sing for You
And everything You hold in Your hand
Still You make time for me
I can't understand
Praise You God of Earth and sky
How beautiful is Your unfailing love
Unfailing love
And You never change God You remain
The Holy One
My Unfailing love
Unfailing love
And everything You hold in Your hand
Still you make time for me
I can't understand
Praise You God of Earth and sky
How beautiful is Your unfailing love
Unfailing love
And You never change God You remain
The Holy One
My Unfailing love
Unfailing love
I will praise You
Praise you God of earth and sky
How beautiful is your unfailing love
Unfailing love
And You never change God You remain
The Holy One
My Unfailing love
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
It's Easier to Run
I need to apologize. I have been lying to myself and I have been lying to you. If you are reading these posts, most likely I care about you in some capacity. I do not deny that. What I have been lying about is the depth of my feelings. I live constantly in the state of denial, and I am the executive, judicial, and legislative ruler.
Sometimes denial is a good thing when you are trying not to get sick in the middle of winter! Most of the time, however, it is just a delay feature in your brain so that you do not have to deal with life as it is. Some things I do deal with head on, but I was taught from an early age that things that make you uncomfortable should be swept under the rug and not dealt with. You just shut down emotionally and move on. I still avoid confrontation as much as I can. I choose the path of least resistance. I select the easy option and then run down that path as fast and as far as I can.
When you live your life in a state of emotional numbness(denial), learning to feel can be a very alien and frightening thing. It's easy to float down the river in a calm stream, but if you look over to the side and see a river with rapids, rocks, and falls, why would you choose that option? Having said this, I have been down a physical river with rapids, rocks, and falls, and reaching the end of that is a wonderful feeling.
If you go into a bookstore, one of the biggest non-fiction sections is self-help. There are lots of books dealing with specific diseases, and books talking about children learning to feel. It is assumed that when you become an adult, you have some idea of how to feel emotions. This is inaccurate. Living your life as though it were a gray canvas, it is hard to add color without fearing the color will damage the nice, nondescript canvas you have in front of you. It is easy to say, "Just acknowledge what you are feeling." How do you know what you are feeling if you have never felt before? I can describe anger, sadness, hurt, etc. but I am much better and more accurate at describing numbness.
I have gotten better at trying to let myself "be" wherever I am emotionally, but if something comes up, I still bring out the suit of armor. I can take care of myself, and no one needs to worry about me. In the extreme instances, even God is not allowed in. Sometimes I do this subconsciously and automatically without even realizing it until I think on it later or someone calls my bluff. What I have come to realize, though, is that people do not call your bluffs usually. Who wants to go where they are not wanted? It is up to you to rip off the mask, but jeez, it's hard.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's Easier to Run - Linkin Park
It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone
Something has been taken from deep inside of me
The secret I've kept locked away no one can ever see
Wounds so deep they never show they never go away
Like moving pictures in my head for years and years they've played
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(I would take all my shame to the grave)
[Chorus]
It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone
Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have
Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back
And never moving forward so there'd never be a past
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(I would take all my shame to the grave)
Just washing it aside
All of the helplessness inside
Pretending I don't feel misplaced
It's so much simpler than change
[Chorus]
It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone
It's easier to run
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made)
It's easier to go
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(I would take all my shame to the grave)
Sometimes denial is a good thing when you are trying not to get sick in the middle of winter! Most of the time, however, it is just a delay feature in your brain so that you do not have to deal with life as it is. Some things I do deal with head on, but I was taught from an early age that things that make you uncomfortable should be swept under the rug and not dealt with. You just shut down emotionally and move on. I still avoid confrontation as much as I can. I choose the path of least resistance. I select the easy option and then run down that path as fast and as far as I can.
When you live your life in a state of emotional numbness(denial), learning to feel can be a very alien and frightening thing. It's easy to float down the river in a calm stream, but if you look over to the side and see a river with rapids, rocks, and falls, why would you choose that option? Having said this, I have been down a physical river with rapids, rocks, and falls, and reaching the end of that is a wonderful feeling.
If you go into a bookstore, one of the biggest non-fiction sections is self-help. There are lots of books dealing with specific diseases, and books talking about children learning to feel. It is assumed that when you become an adult, you have some idea of how to feel emotions. This is inaccurate. Living your life as though it were a gray canvas, it is hard to add color without fearing the color will damage the nice, nondescript canvas you have in front of you. It is easy to say, "Just acknowledge what you are feeling." How do you know what you are feeling if you have never felt before? I can describe anger, sadness, hurt, etc. but I am much better and more accurate at describing numbness.
I have gotten better at trying to let myself "be" wherever I am emotionally, but if something comes up, I still bring out the suit of armor. I can take care of myself, and no one needs to worry about me. In the extreme instances, even God is not allowed in. Sometimes I do this subconsciously and automatically without even realizing it until I think on it later or someone calls my bluff. What I have come to realize, though, is that people do not call your bluffs usually. Who wants to go where they are not wanted? It is up to you to rip off the mask, but jeez, it's hard.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's Easier to Run - Linkin Park
It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone
Something has been taken from deep inside of me
The secret I've kept locked away no one can ever see
Wounds so deep they never show they never go away
Like moving pictures in my head for years and years they've played
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(I would take all my shame to the grave)
[Chorus]
It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone
Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have
Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back
And never moving forward so there'd never be a past
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(I would take all my shame to the grave)
Just washing it aside
All of the helplessness inside
Pretending I don't feel misplaced
It's so much simpler than change
[Chorus]
It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone
It's easier to run
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made)
It's easier to go
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(I would take all my shame to the grave)
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Risks and Safety
So much processing has been going on in my head for the past week. I haven't been entirely sure how to put it in writing without saying too much. This is a semi-public arena after all. :)
Every so often, I get restless. Road trips are my best friend because usually they are spontaneous and far away. Occasionally I will get an urge to just jump in the car and drive and see where the wheels take me. Having responsibilities to the house, job, and fur-kids, I can't often go too far, but retreating into nature always recharges me, even if I can only be there for a brief moment.
I took a huge risk this weekend. I don't regret what I did completely, especially depending on how it turns out. I think no matter the outcome, though, I feel happy that I took the risk. As I have stated in earlier posts, I have been trying to escape my comfort zone and my "normals," and this will take me to where my end result is. The ends justify the means is an apt statement here, although no one was hurt in this case.
I was looking at an icon of St. John Climacus's Ladder of Divine Ascent during vespers on Saturday(while absolutely paying attention to the service!). For those unfamiliar with him, he wrote a book, The Ladder of Divine Ascent, that talks about steps to ascend to heaven. It is geared more toward monastics, but obviously, it can be applied to the lay people as well. I think about this ladder and that sometimes, I am on the bottom rung, and sometimes I am in the middle steps of the ladder, and in some occasional instances, I have yet to ascend the ladder. Oftentimes, we never realize the progression we make until we take inventory of ourselves. Yes, we can look ahead and see how far we have yet to go, but for me, personally, I rarely look back and think, "Last year at this time..." Spiritually, it is dangerous for my pride to do that; emotionally and mentally, I think it's necessary. I am not saying they are mutually exclusive because, of course, spirituality is wrapped up in everything.
So, at the risk of sounding arrogant and self-loving, I think I have made alot of personal progress over the past year(although we have 2 months to go). Thinking about the times I have been afraid and have still done the very thing that frightens me makes me proud of where I am. In no way do I think that I am done. I still struggle with commitment issues and intimacy fears, but overall, it's a slow but steady journey.
As for the risk, we shall just have to see how that plays out...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Every so often, I get restless. Road trips are my best friend because usually they are spontaneous and far away. Occasionally I will get an urge to just jump in the car and drive and see where the wheels take me. Having responsibilities to the house, job, and fur-kids, I can't often go too far, but retreating into nature always recharges me, even if I can only be there for a brief moment.
I took a huge risk this weekend. I don't regret what I did completely, especially depending on how it turns out. I think no matter the outcome, though, I feel happy that I took the risk. As I have stated in earlier posts, I have been trying to escape my comfort zone and my "normals," and this will take me to where my end result is. The ends justify the means is an apt statement here, although no one was hurt in this case.
I was looking at an icon of St. John Climacus's Ladder of Divine Ascent during vespers on Saturday(while absolutely paying attention to the service!). For those unfamiliar with him, he wrote a book, The Ladder of Divine Ascent, that talks about steps to ascend to heaven. It is geared more toward monastics, but obviously, it can be applied to the lay people as well. I think about this ladder and that sometimes, I am on the bottom rung, and sometimes I am in the middle steps of the ladder, and in some occasional instances, I have yet to ascend the ladder. Oftentimes, we never realize the progression we make until we take inventory of ourselves. Yes, we can look ahead and see how far we have yet to go, but for me, personally, I rarely look back and think, "Last year at this time..." Spiritually, it is dangerous for my pride to do that; emotionally and mentally, I think it's necessary. I am not saying they are mutually exclusive because, of course, spirituality is wrapped up in everything.
So, at the risk of sounding arrogant and self-loving, I think I have made alot of personal progress over the past year(although we have 2 months to go). Thinking about the times I have been afraid and have still done the very thing that frightens me makes me proud of where I am. In no way do I think that I am done. I still struggle with commitment issues and intimacy fears, but overall, it's a slow but steady journey.
As for the risk, we shall just have to see how that plays out...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Prayer for Love:
Christ my God, set my heart on fire with love in You, that in its flame I may love You with all my heart, with all my mind, and with all my soul and with all my strength, and my neighbor as myself, so that by keeping Your commandments I may glorify You the Giver of every good and perfect gift. Amen.
Christ my God, set my heart on fire with love in You, that in its flame I may love You with all my heart, with all my mind, and with all my soul and with all my strength, and my neighbor as myself, so that by keeping Your commandments I may glorify You the Giver of every good and perfect gift. Amen.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)