Relationships

“Perhaps the reason we are unable to love is that we yearn to be loved, that is, we demand something (love) from our partner instead of delivering ourselves up to him demand-free and asking for nothing but his company.” - Milan Kundera

I feel. At this point, this is all I can commit to. In some ways, I feel strangely settled; in other ways, I feel determined, just in general, to "fix" the problem.

I do not pretend to be any type of expert on relationships, but in my mulling over recent events, I realized that most of the time when I enter into a relationship of any kind, I go into it thinking of what I am getting out of it, not what I have to offer the other person. So, then I started thinking, what do I have to offer someone else? What makes me more special than the person next to me?

The answer, shockingly, is nothing. This brings to mind the phrase "I am unique, just like everyone else." :)  Yes, I have a really witty sense of humor, large vocabulary, I'm nice, blah, blah, blah; but really, how does that benefit the other party? All it does is serve MY needs. Witty sense of humor = deflecting when I am uncomfortable, large vocabulary means I can make myself seem more intelligent than the people around me, and being nice just means that I don't rock the boat or create any kind of conflict. There are some side benefits to these qualities, but that is only accidental and not due to any intentional desire to sacrifice myself for the other half.

The good thing as far as my spiritual life goes is that God WANTS me to realize that I bring nothing to the table. Nothing, good or bad, does anything to sway His love in either direction. I still struggle with this, even on the best of days. Surely, that good deed I did will outweigh the sin I just committed in my head, right? 5 points for going to Orthros AND Liturgy, -4 points for getting angry, etc... I still need to get it in my head that God already knows all of this, and yet, He still desires what is good for me and has adopted me into His family with no chance of getting myself kicked out.

I am going back to therapy this week. I realize there is still a stigma associated with therapists/counselors, but if you have a disease, you go to someone that has the training and expertise to assist you. Yes, I could (and do) self-medicate, but I will make so much more progress with someone that knows more than I do. I don't have any expectations at this point, which may be a good thing. I know the areas I need to focus on; but beyond that, I am trying to stay open-minded and willing to be open and frank so that I can get the most bang for my buck and be the best that I can be...and all those other cliches!
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This is a song I used to sing almost every other week, but I haven't heard in awhile. It was posted on Facebook today, and it pretty accurately describes what I needed to hear.

  Come Ye Sinners - Indelible Grace

1. Come, ye sinners, poor and wretched,
Weak and wounded, sick and sore;
Jesus, ready, stands to save you,
Full of pity, joined with power.
He is able, He is able;
He is willing; doubt no more.

2. Come ye needy, come, and welcome,
God's free bounty glorify;
True belief and true repentance,
Every grace that brings you nigh.
Without money, without money
Come to Jesus Christ and buy.

3. Come, ye weary, heavy laden,
Bruised and broken by the fall;
If you tarry 'til you're better,
You will never come at all.
Not the righteous, not the righteous;
Sinners Jesus came to call.

4. Let not conscience make you linger,
Nor of fitness fondly dream;
All the fitness He requireth
Is to feel your need of Him.
This He gives you, this He gives you,
'Tis the Spirit's rising beam.

5. Lo! The Incarnate God, ascended;
Pleads the merit of His blood.
Venture on Him; venture wholly,
Let no other trust intrude.
None but Jesus, none but Jesus
Can do helpless sinners good.